Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse by Woman Running County Home Shares Her Remarkable Story of Healing

When I first began to heal from Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis), Shingles, heart problems, urinary problems, IBS, nightmares, severe depression, breathing problems, dizziness, chronic sore throats, pain all over my body, headaches, insomnia, neurological problems, and a long list of other physical and psychological problems… I knew I wanted to help others heal their suffering.

Alethea Spring of 2014.. 15 years ago I was too sick to go for a hike.

Alethea Spring of 2014..
15 years ago I was too sick to go for a hike.

When I read the testimony given to me by Renee (below), I thank God for the opportunity to help others, in spite of what my biological people think of me or what I am doing.

Every time someone whom I referred to my therapist -especially a stranger to me- tells me how wonderful they are doing, and about all the healthy changes in their life, and how much they have overcome because of the therapy, I am beyond gratitude and joy.

One of the women who found my therapist through this Blog has written testimony that she wants to share with my readers:

“I found Evil Sits at the Dinner Table unintentionally while I was looking for information on another subject.

My curiosity was sparked when I realized that the subject matter was child sexual abuse.

As I read the articles, I realized that I related to lots of the “symptoms” that you said that you had been healed from.

I had suffered from a lifetime of PTSD, night terrors, waking myself up from screaming in my sleep from nightmares that I could not remember, fear of falling asleep, fear of being abducted, fatigue, food issues, severe sinus infections, sinus pain, ear aches, crying spells, emotional triggers, anxiety, shingles, and pop up memories in my brain that I didn’t understand, depression, and an overall feeling of brokenness in my feminine soul.

I was impressed by the integrity and truthfulness of your blog in spite of the “ugly topic” and had connected with a lot of the information and facts written in your articles. There were too many things that I could relate to that I couldn’t ignore. I read most of your articles before I decided to respond on your blog.

I decided that I would call Dr. Ysatis de Saint-Simone and begin hypno-therapy to find out what happened in my past that triggered all my misery.

It didn’t take long before I found the words to verbalize and acknowledge that I had been taken into custody at age nine and placed into a County Home. It was there where I was sexually abused by the night matron. I related it to two matrons when they asked me what I did with my underwear. What I “earned” for my truthfulness was a surprise. I was called a liar and trouble-maker. I was told that I would receive punishment for my lying.

I was stripped of my clothing and put into solitary confinement. I was denied food. I experienced terror and had no comfort. I fainted from fear of those matrons and a lack of nourishment. Whatever they used to revive me burned my sinus cavities and hurt severely. When they forced food down my throat, I threw it up and collapsed at the table. There was a cover up of what had happened to me and I feared talking about any of it.

The therapy allowed me to “unload” those horrific memories and place the pain and shame where it belonged on the perpetrators.

The healing of my sinus cavities was immediate and I am still problem free. The re-curing nightmares stopped.

The insomnia has stopped.

The ear aches are gone.

I do not see brokenness in my face anymore when I look into the mirror.

The pop-ups are gone and now I understand why they were there and what they meant to me.

My anxiety has been replaced with energy and an overall feeling of peace. I have clarity and understanding where there was mystery and obscurity before.

The most important thing that I believe that has happened to me is that my life-long struggle with depression, and self-pity are gone.

I know the truth about what happened to me at age nine that caused me so much misery, confusion, and oppression for most of my life.

All my “symptoms” were the normal responses of a neglected, abused nine- year old girl who had no power to stop her abusers.

It wasn’t “past life karma” like some “Psychic” once told me. It was childhood sexual abuse that had traumatized me, so I had “dissociated” from it. It was just as you had described on your blog.

Also, as the “baggage and crap” was removed from my sub-conscious mind, my body has started to respond in a way that I hadn’t expected.

I have been shedding excess pounds without much effort as my energy level has increased. I felt so good that I went on a wilderness hike in the Great Smokey Mountains in a secluded area called the Catalooche Valley. I took my granddaughter with me to view the elk and their calves. I outlasted my young granddaughter this time. She is the one who usually outlasts me in trail hiking through the woodlands.

Many people have told me that “drugs are cheaper than therapy” but I did not want to become drug dependent as the drugs couldn’t cure what ailed me. All they could give me would be temporary relief, not a cure.

I am drug free as I am not dependent of any medications, which is rare for people my age.

Thank you, Alethea for telling me about Dr. Ysatis de Saint-Simone and her amazing therapy. My life has been enriched by you and her.”


You are so very welcome Renee, and thank you for being a very brave soul and for enduring such a horrific childhood. Thank you for surviving so you could live to tell your story and help others. ~Alethea


More about Renee’s and my therapist:

More on my healing:

Further testimony:

Further reading:


Posted in Child Abuse, child molestation, child sexual abuse, Crime, rape and abuse, repressed memory | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Women Who Commit Sex Crimes Against Children Are Guilty of Serious Crimes Against Nature

A comment has come in to my Blog that confounds me.

The comment is a reply to the article about Grace, who suffered from sexual identity issues, anger, depression and other serious emotional problems because her sister sexually abused her as a child.

The comment comes from “Kitt,” who writes:

“What I do not get is why there was a need to shed light on molestations from a female, instead of focusing on the real culprit, men.”

My question for Kitt would be, Why is there not more people talking about it?” “Why are people not exposing women for sometimes being just as sexually degenerate as men?”

Not all women are victims, and not all men perpetrate sex crimes.

Why would anyone want to suppress a very serious, threatening, and common problem that affects untold numbers of children, and a crime that severely affects them later in life?

Why would anyone want to silence people like Grace -or myself for that matter- people who were once victims of child sexual abuse perpetrated by an adult female?

Is it because they think female-female child sexual abuse does not harm the child? Is it because they want to defend all women –even the criminals?

Kitt needs to read my article on the very serious and life-altering after-affects of child sexual abuse perpetrated by a woman, and why women are often more morally corrupt in their sex crimes than men are.

Do people think that because a child is not raped with a man’s penis that the child suffers less?

If anything, women who sexually abuse children should be exposed more than men who do.

Women sexually abuse male children and female children, and they sexually abuse children from infancy to their teenage years. These women are no better than men. If anything, their crimes are worse BECAUSE they are a woman.

Melissa Huckaby, lured, kidnapped, molested, and used a foreign object to rape 8 year-old Sandra Cantu --her daughter's friend. She then killed her, and stuffed her body in a suitcase

Melissa Huckaby, lured, kidnapped, molested, and used a foreign object to rape 8 year-old Sandra Cantu –her daughter’s friend. She then killed her, and stuffed her body in a suitcase

Both men and women use violence against their own children. Both genders commit heinous crimes against children, and both sexes force sex crimes on children. Both sexes use death threats, and both sexes silence children with fear and instructions to keep it a secret.

Women willfully ignore male-female child rape going on in the home, and women also commit child rape with their hands, tongues, and sometimes with objects, or they dry hump children. Women can be vile and disgusting human beings and can be sociopaths and child murderers.

Once a woman sexually abuses a child, she becomes a perpetrator, and I don’t care if she was sexually abused herself, she becomes a hypocrite and an abuser when she sexually harms an innocent.

Furthermore, when a woman sexually violates a female child, she can create serious disturbances in the child’s mind and body —disturbances that can create sexual confusion and sexual identity problems when the child grows older.

Same sex child sexual abuse can cause the victim to explore homosexuality, or to actually become a homosexual, when they were not inherently gay.

This is a very serious crime against a person’s soul. It robs them of truly free sexual expression and healthy sexual relationships. THAT is a crime against nature itself.

Contrary to what the public wants to believe, the majority of female sexual offenders are not mentally ill. They might have depression or personality disorders, but most female sexual offenders are employed in professional jobs, look perfectly normal, go to church, and show no outward signs of sexual deviation. Their victims can be both boys and girls, but they abuse female children more often than male children.

Female sex offenders are sometimes coerced by a male authority in the family, or by a boyfriend. These women are usually dependent on the man, fear losing him, and have a history of having been abused as a child. In addition, just like men who abuse the daughter of their girlfriend or wife, sometimes a mother’s lesbian lover victimizes her partner’s child.

In cases where a woman acts alone in sexually abusing a child, she was usually the victim of incestuous abuse herself, and deviant sexual fantasies are common among these women. They usually abuse their own children or other young children within their own family.

Mothers sometimes force oral sex on their daughter or force the daughter to perform oral sex on her mother. To the victim, this can be the same as being raped by a man.

Some women begin their descent into deviancy by not protecting their child from their husband or boyfriend, and then escalate into helping the abuser rape their daughter. Eventually, the mother can be stimulated by -or sometimes forced into- joining in on the molestation.

In some cases, a mother might become aroused by the thought of sex with a child because of her own experience with having been sexually abused. Through repetition, the human mind can be trained into what is stimulating.

“I want to have sex with your daughter.”

–Barbara Hazel married Bobby Hazel immediately after he was released from prison. Barabara said that Bobby represented someone who would take care of her and protect her.

When Barbara’s daughter Crystal was seven years old, Barbara Hazel asked her husband what he wanted for his birthday. He replied, “I want to have sex with your daughter.” Barbara agreed, and she and her husband both began sexually abusing her daughter.

At first the sexual acts took place when it was the three of them. There was touching, oral sex, kissing, and photos were taken of Barbara having sex with her daughter. Barbara even admitted to liking sex with a little girl. She said it turned her on.

Eventually Barbara began to feel disgusted about the incest, but it continued for several years and grew worse.

Crystal was ultimately left alone with her stepfather. He then raped and sodomized her.

In 1987, Barbara and Bobby Hazel were apprehended and Crystal became the star witness for the prosecution. Bobby Hazel was given forty-four years in prison and Barbara Hazel was sentenced to thirty-three years.

In order to break from the past, Crystal changed her name and says of the abuse:

“It tore my whole world apart, because no matter what she would ever do, I loved her, she was my mom.” 1

Sandra Cantu, Innocent Victim

Sandra Cantu, Innocent Victim

I dare anyone to tell Crystal she should not speak about her mother sexually abusing her, and should instead focus on men who abuse.

I dare anyone to tell the parents of Sandra Cantu that what happened to her was tragic, but that Sandra’s memory should not be tainted by talking about the fact that a woman raped and murdered her.


1. The Ultimate Betrayal MSNBC Investigates 2001

Thank you to “Kitt” for inspiring me to write this much-needed article.

Posted in Child Abuse, child molestation, child sexual abuse, Crime, News, rape and abuse, repressed memory | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

Michael Jackson Got Away With Many Sex Crimes (In My Opinion)

Thirty-six year-old James Safechuck,  a co-star alongside Michael Jackson, in a 1980’s Pepsi commercial has filed a claim against the Michael Jackson estate for being sexually abused by Michael Jackson at least one hundred times when James was child.

Employees of the Jackson “Neverland” Ranch have verified that Safechuck was a frequent guest, and several were set to testify in the 2005 child molestation case –to testify that they saw, or they suspected Jackson was molesting Safechuck.

“An estate manager was quoted in one court submission saying that he saw Jackson standing in the Jacuzzi with his hands “down the front of Jimmy’s underpants and was manipulating the boy’s genitalia.” In the same document filed by the prosecution, a trusted master bedroom maid said she saw the pair in bed together, nude from the waist up, both inside the main house and on a bed overlooking the Neverland theater screen. But since Safechuck had never made a claim of sexual abuse, the judge ruled the jury could not hear any of those prosecution claims.”

James Safechuck is alleging that he and Jackson used secret signals and when they held hands. One of those signals was that Jackson scratched the inside of his hand with his finger to show he wanted sex.

The documents also state that Jackson performed a “secret wedding ceremony complete with a ring and marriage certificate with his alleged victim.”

“Safechuck says the abuse made him question his own sexuality when he developed a crush on the star’s then-backing singer Sheryl Crow – prompting the ‘Billie Jean’ hitmaker to get jealous and show him a number of unflattering photographs of the ‘All I Wanna Do’ star.”

Boys and men DO NOT talk openly about their sexuality being confused by same-sex child sexual abuse, unless it is true.

“In the court documents, Safechuck’s attorney says that Jackson “lured” Safechuck and his parents into “a false sense of security.”

The child can be lured into a false sense of security. The parents were lured by money, fame, and maybe a free babysitter. NO PARENT, who truly wants to protect their child, would allow their son to spend time alone in the home of a man in his thirties or forties –a man who was slowly transforming himself from a man, into a man who wanted to look like a woman.

Safechuck says Michael Jackson made him believe the sexual abuse was acts of love and “instigated by James himself” rather than Michael Jackson.

That’s what many perpetrators do. It is a successful tactic to get the child to engage willingly, and to make the child think it is their fault, and that the child is the “sick,” and “perverted” one.

The documents filed by Safechuck’s attorney, states that he slept in Jackson’s bed in 1988 during the “Bad” Tour.

Sources reveal that:

“Safechuck decided to come forward after Wade Robson came out with allegations in 2013. And though he initially denied being sexually abused, therapy helped him come to grips with it.”

In a Daily Beast article, Christopher Anderson, the executive director of, also spoke out about the possibilty of the allegations being true after so many years:

“It is very common for males who are sexually abused to delay disclosure for a long time,” according to Christopher Anderson, the executive director of “In fact, research shows that the average delay in disclosure for men who have been sexually assaulted is 20 years.” Anderson says some of the men who come to his self-help organization have waited over 60 years to reveal their abuse.”

When it was questioned why Safechuck came out now with his allegations, someone close to Safechuck stated:

“Once you start having children and you see what it’s all about … your perspective on life changes,” the source said, requesting anonymity because they lacked authority to speak on the record. According to the source closest to Safechuck, he now believes that “some of his current issues” stem from his long-ago relationship with Jackson.

It is usually excruciating for a man, or male child, to admit to having been sexually abused by another man. It is embarrassing to their very core, and it affects their masculinity to have been sexually abused by a man.

It can also create confusing feelings of bi-sexuality, or even a false belief that they are gay.

Even if a man who has been sexually abused by a male perpetrator has no gay desires at all, he might still feel very ashamed and might worry that people will say he is a homosexual.

The other common reason for silence is the threats by the abuser for the child to keep the secret.

Most commonly, the abuser will use the mere instruction of “keep it a secret,” but many perpetrators will threaten the child with harm to the child’s family, or a beloved pet.

Other abusers are more sadistic and will use death threats against the child’s family, or the child themselves. Abusers commonly use weapons to re-enforce the threat of death.

I would not be surprised if serious threats were used against La Toya Jackosn when, in late 1993, after Jordie Chandler accused Jackson of molesting him, La Toya held a news conference in Israel, stating she would no longer be a “silent collaborator” to her brother’s “crimes against innocent children.”

La Toya went on to say that:

“This has been going on since 1981,” she said into the camera, “And it’s not just one child.”

La Toya claimed later that she made those statements under threat of violence from her abusive husband.

This makes little sense. What motive would her husband possibly have to force La Toya to publicly humiliate and falsely accuse her innocent and powerful brother?

My educated guess is that people within the Jackson camp were the ones who threatened her when she dared to expose her brother’s secrets. Someone most likely told her to retract her statement or she would be ruined financially, or they may have used threats against her life.

However, in 1994, La Toya told television personality, Geraldo Rivera, that she and her mother had discovered a canceled check she said Michael had written for $1,000,000.00 to the father of one of Michael Jackson’s “boy pals” who frequently visited his Neverland Ranch.

“The father, supposedly, is a garbage collector,” La Toya stated, and reportedly, James Safechuck’s father was, and still is, employed as a garbage collector.

“Complainant #2 was Jason Francia, the young son of one of Jackson’s longtime maids, Blanca Francia. She told me in a 1993 interview that Jackson often urged her to bring her 7-year-old boy to work with her. After catching them in a darkened room nestled inside a sleeping bag, Francia said her son admitted Jackson had told him to keep something secret: three $100 bills the singer had stuffed in young Jason’s pocket. Francia eventually quit the job because her son had become angry and depressed and, as she put it, she couldn’t take the procession of Jackson’s little “special [boy] friends” anymore. After the Chandler allegations hit Jackson lawyers doubled-back and Francia was quietly offered a $2 million dollar settlement to keep mum. Again, no complaining witness, no trial.”

I don’t know what is worse sometimes, the abuser, or all the people who turn their heads to child sexual abuse, and those who do so and get paid to keep quiet.

I also find fault in every person who has blinded themselves to Michael Jackson’s deviant behavior because of his stardom, outward persona, and his music.

Michael Jackson fooled the world with his extremely slow transformation from a black man, into a white-looking man with strong feminine features and women’s make-up.

Michael Jackson’s true character was hidden by the fact that he slowly changed himself over a long period of time. If he had gone to sleep one night as the black man he was, and the next morning, Michael Jackson woke up as a white-looking feminine man wearing make-up, people would have been shocked by his appearance.


If this had been the case, I do not believe so many parents would have allowed their child to sleep over in Michael Jackson’s bedroom, sometimes in his bed, and maybe much of the world would not have shielded Michael Jackson’s deviancy and any child sex crimes he probably committed –shielded those crimes with their denial system.

The human denial system blocked out the fact that super-star Michael Jackson transformed dramatically over a period of years. The transition was so slow that everyone was desensitized to its seriousness.

Michael Jackson’s appearance began to change during the 1980s.

The shape of his face, his nose, and his skin tone were going through a metomorphisis, but not in a good way.

Jackson publicly portrayed a man diagnosed with the skin disorder vitiligo, but many people, including me, didn’t buy that story. Skin bleaching could have caused his change to a white-looking person.

According to many sources, Michael Jackson and some of his siblings have openly spoken about being physically and psychologically abused by their father.

According to the Online Encyclopedia, in 2003, their father admitted to whipping them as children. My belief is that there was more than just whipping of Michael, and La Toya has alleged publicly that Michael’s father sexually abused her older sister.

I get that, because of the abuse, MJ did not want to look anything like his father. However, it does not explain why he wanted to look like a woman, or one of his sisters.

Bottom line, the man had very serious psychological problems, and anyone interested in seeing truth, and not blinding themselves, will agree.

Who allows their little boy to sleep over in the bedroom of a forty something year-old black man, who has decided he is more attractive as a white-looking woman who wears make-up and grabs his crotch onstage? Who does that to a child?


Sources:,,,, Olrando Sentinal


Posted in Child Abuse, child molestation, child sexual abuse, Crime, Headlines, rape and abuse | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments

When a Child Sexual Abuser Dies: Does the Child Rejoice?

In the article linked below, the author, Christina, refers to her sexually abusive father as “dad.” I have not considered my biological father a “dad” since I remembered being sexually abused, raped, and terrorized by him.

Maybe Christina had many good, loving memories alongside the memories of child sexual abuse….or maybe she has not yet released her deep emotional bond with her father –the bond that some children retain long after the abuse stops.

I have no loving memories of my father. Prior to regaining my childhood memories, I had two good memories of father and daughter. One was a short ‘clip’ in my mind of a time he was teaching me how to ride a bike. Another memory was the time he was laughing at me when I pretended to take photos of people in other cars with a camera that had no film in it.

Prior to beginning therapy, I had a few memories of my father’s outbursts of anger, as well as a few moments in my mind of the days before he died when I sat beside his hospital bed.

After I began to break free from my denial-bond –the bond that kept the memories of incest and trauma hidden from my conscious mind– I allowed myself to finally remember the rapes, the death threats, the terror, the knife, the forced oral sex, and the devastating feeling of when he was finished with me.

It took me well over a decade to truly heal the trauma bond I had with my father, and the false idea that I received “love” from him, in the form of sexual abuse.

Healing my idea of having had a “daddy” took a tremendous amount of hard work, and a total willingness to let go of the feeling that he gave me when he paid sexual attention to me –when “daddy” wanted me, when I was special to him, when I was his total focus during the fleeting moments before he ejaculated….


Afterwards, I was nothing more than a piece of discarded trash. The ‘good’ feeling ending, can make a child feel like the lowest garbage there is, so when the sexual abuser shows interest in the child again, the victim can yearn for the sexual attention –for some, even hunger for it. The intimacy with the abuser can define a child’s self-worth if they are not receiving any true human love from anyone else in their life.

People often think that when child sexual abuse stops, or when the abuser dies, the child rejoices. This is not usually the case.

For some children, finding their abuser with another child can make them feel like a jilted lover.

Most children experience emotional conflict within themselves when their abuser dies or the abuse stops for some other reason. The child often goes through anger, sadness, loneliness, rejection, freedom –and for many children, it feels like the loss of a lover.

Like Christina writes in her article below, I too grieved when my father died.

People think, “oh good, another child abuser is dead” but to the child who loved her father, it can be a very traumatic emotional loss, mixed with severe guilt.

(Please note, the image above was downloaded from Shutterstock, but it is a very intimate photo, and depicts something I do not approve of.)

The Death of My Molester Father

by Christina Enevoldsen

“I’d known my dad was getting close to the end. Ever since I’d really been facing my sexual abuse, I’d wondered how I’d deal with his impending death. There’s such a fantasy about deathbed reconciliations. Death makes us consider what’s really important in life—love and the people close to us.

After a six year estrangement, I didn’t follow the advice of well-meaning people to “let bygones be bygones” before it was too late. I couldn’t buy into the “he won’t be around forever” threat. It reminds me of a high-pressure sales pitch, “Hurry! This deal won’t last!!!” But what kind of an offer is that? The advertised version of the last moments with my dad would be bittersweet but fulfilling, but based on my dad’s history, that’s not what I’d really be buying.

Rushing to my dad’s deathbed in hopes of finally getting the love I used to crave would be like buying a product from a company that’s repeatedly cheated me.

If he had only been abusive to me during my childhood, maybe I would have had a little more hope for a better outcome. Maybe. But his claims that he loved me while telling others I was lying about his abuse didn’t make me want to trust him. Neither did the fact that he and my mom sued me a few months after I confronted him and gave him one more chance at a relationship with me.

I don’t regret keeping myself at a safe distance. It’s true that it’s too late to reconcile now but what does “too late” mean? Too late to compromise my well being in an attempt to get something that is almost certain to be harmful? Too late to settle for a false love that meant sacrificing myself so someone else could be fulfilled? Too late doesn’t mean much to me.

Too late means it’s out of my control now that my abuser is dead. But it was already out of my control before he died. The lie is that there was something I could have done to make my dad love me. I tried all my life to earn that from him—to convince him I’m worthy of being loved. It was never in my control. Not in the end, not in the beginning, not in the middle. Never.

I could have been with him at the end, but I could have been with him the entire six years of our estrangement if I’d only set aside my emotional health and renounced my boundaries. The separation from my parents has been the most validating time of my life. Why would it suddenly be an improvement to my life to be with my dad as he died?

My choice to protect myself validated myself in a way that he refused to.

But also miss the person I no longer wanted in my life.

He passed away almost nine months ago but I couldn’t bring myself to discuss it publicly for fear of hearing someone say, “Good riddance! One less child molester”. Most of the people in my life knew him only as my childhood sexual abuser and that’s all they knew about him.

Some people didn’t understand why I was grieving. Why would I mourn someone who had caused me so much pain? Through him, I lost my innocence, my childhood, my sense of safety, belief in my own personal power, trust, and much, much more. Through him, I lost my connection to a dad, to my mom, my brother, and for years I lost connection with myself.

One person commented to me, “At least you don’t have much to miss.” But that’s not true…”

To read the rest of Christina’s article, click here.



Posted in Child Abuse, child molestation, child sexual abuse, Crime | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

My Nightmares Have Turned Into Dreams: Facebook Page Now Online

Dear Readers,

I don’t know if you understand how much I appreciate you. I am so sorry that I have only said this about once a year at Christmas or Easter, but I am so very grateful for all of you.  I get so caught up in the daily rituals of life, and trying to keep this Blog running that I have neglected to acknowledge each and every one of you –even those who don’t like me or who totally disagree with most everything I write.

My delay in gratitude is also because, over the past several months, I have been healing from some pretty serious trauma and emotional devastation. This healing work has been time-consuming and hard, but the most liberating thing I have ever experienced. It is truly transformative work, but to a degree that is indescribable.

I am healthier, more peaceful, and more awake than I have been in decades.

My healing work has now brought me to a new level, and I just published my Ordinary Evil Facebook Page. Some of you have been waiting for this, so I wanted to tell you right away.

It is in the infancy stages, so please hang in there while I work out all the kinks, and while I figure out what and when to post there.

I know some of you won’t comment at a Facebook Page because of privacy issues, and I respect that, but if you could still click “Like” and share it, that would be great! I think there is a way to keep your FB posts private right? If anyone knows how, and could tell people how to do this, I would appreciate a comment on this article to explain it to my readers…and to me!

I hope that many of you will hit the Facebook “Like” button, which is now at the top right corner of my Blog Homepage. Or, here is the link to the Facebook Page:

Remember that if you want to be notified whenever I post something, or someone else posts something on the FB Page, you will need to set your notifications for that.

What I experienced as a child should have killed me, but I am more alive today than maybe even the day I was born.

I lost most of my dreams when I became sick twenty-one years ago –literally sick from the unhealed incest and trauma, but my goals and dreams have now been revived. I am going to get back to my book manuscript and get it published. It needs to get out there because I know it can help many people, and hopefully children.

I am also learning to play guitar, which is something I have wanted to do for a very long time.

Until recently, incest-induced self-sabatoging behavior had caused me to stop myself from learning to play guitar, and from experiencing life. That’s what deep-seated guilt and shame will do to a person.

Thank you again for all your support, comments, and thanks to the silent readers as well.

Please encourage others to “Like” my FB Page if you so desire, and please let me know if you are able to comment there. I am unsure if I made the correct settings.

~In peace and Love, Alethea




Posted in Child Abuse, child molestation, child sexual abuse, Crime, News, rape and abuse, repressed memory | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 14 Comments

Child Sexual Abuse: It’s Okay To Say It Felt Good

I LOVE Matthew Sandusky because he had the guts to appear on International television and tell the world that when his adoptive father, legendary football coach Jerry Sandusky, gave Matthew oral sex, it felt good.

Do you know how many men he has helped by being so brave? Do you realize how many children Matthew has helped by being so honest with himself and the public?
As I have written in numerous articles, and to quote Oprah: “It’s okay to say it was pleasurable.”

The hour-long interview between Oprah and Matthew Sandusky aired last Thursday evening.

Oprah and Matthew

With tears in his eyes, Matthew told Oprah that when Jerry Sandusky gave him oral sex, he said he was so confused because he had “a [sexual] reaction, and you don’t know what’s happening, but it’s just what it is I guess. I don’t want to say that it’s pleasurable, but it’s not –it’s not the most painful thing I guess.”

Oprah immediately picked up on Matthew’s shame and discomfort. Oprah stepped in with strength. She told him in that moment, “You can say it’s pleasurable.” Oprah then continued in a strong and direct voice:

“This is what people don’t understand about sexual abuse. People think that sexual abuse is somebody throwing you against the wall, and torturing you or raping you…they don’t understand that the aim and the intention of the perpetrator is to make it pleasurable, so you will be confused.”

Matthew Sandusky had indeed been highly confused by Jerry Sandusky.

Jerry Sandusky kissed his teenage son on the mouth, digitally penetrated him, and forced Matthew to give his father oral sex.


Unsurprisingly, at age seventeen, Matthew attempted suicide with carbon monoxide poisoning, and an overdose of aspirin.

After the suicide attempt, Jerry Sandusky stopped the sexual abuse, but he continued to place his hand on Matthews leg, and, through psychological manipulation, Jerry made sure Matthew would continue to keep the secret.


I had numerous opportunities to tell people… and I didn’t. “I was afraid of that man.”

When Jerry Sandusky was first accused of rape and sexual molestation of several very young boys, Matthew defended his adoptive father and denied anything sexual ever happened to him.

This is quite common behavior for a victim –especially by a man who was sexually abused by another man.

When one of Jerry Sandusky’s victims told his story on the stand, Matthew sat in the courtroom in order to show support for Jerry. Sometime during the testimony Matthew realized that the man on the stand was virtually telling Matthew’s own story. This was when Matthew knew his own denial would no longer work for him.

Matthew then decided to come out and talk about his own sexual abuse.

Matthew says he was not driven by money, but by “a desire to stop being a coward.”

Afterwards, Matthew and his wife, and children, became the target of vicious character attacks.

“I can handle it. I can handle people attacking me. I handled the abuse. I can take it. My wife is an innocent. My children — they’re innocent. For people to attack them — yes, absolutely, the simpler answer would have been for me to keep it, to deal with it on my own.”

I am so happy he did not keep quiet. I am certain his wife feels the same. I am sure she would prefer that Matthew help other victims.

When Oprah asked Matthew if he feels Dottie Sandusky knew about the sexual abuse, Matthew expressed some doubt because he said Dottie never walked in on her husband and Matthew in any sexual acts.

Instead, Matthew says she only saw “bedtime roughhousing.”

However, Matthew said Dottie did walk in on Jerry and Matthew when Matthew would be laying on top of Jerry on the bedroom floor, wearing only underwear.

A father and teenage son in his underwear laying on top of one another on the bedroom floor did not give her pause?

She did not want to know.

In an interview with Matt Lauer, Dottie made attempts to discredit Matthew, which is a common tactic among abusers and those who protect them.

Dottie accused her adoptive son of stealing from the family as a teen, and says Matthew suffers from bipolar disorder.

“I’m not bipolar,” Matthew told Oprah. “I’m dealing with psychological issues from the abuse.”

I don’t like labels, but bipolar has been linked to child sexual abuse.

Matthew also denies the theft.

So what if he stole family items? It merely helps substantiate the sexual abuse because children who are being sexually abused are often kids who can try to get attention through stealing or set fires as a a cry for help.

Referring to his adoptive family, Matthew said:

‘They cared about me, they loved me. I owed that family everything. Everything I was, and am, I owed to them….Ninety percent of the time with Jerry Sandusky was everything that a child would want,” Matthew said. “He gave you things. You had fun. You went places that you would never go without him. But the ten percent of the time where he was doing these things…” Matthew shook his head. “It can’t even compare. That ninety percent — it gets obliterated by the damage that is done to you, that you are willing to accept in that moment. You have his time. Let him do what he’s going to do. It’s not worth me causing an issue. It’s not worth me upsetting him.”

Yes, the price a child is willing to pay. I speak from personal experience.

Referring to Matthew saying the oral sex felt good, Oprah said to him, “You know there are going to be people who say vulgar things, like “you enjoyed it, so that’s why you didn’t tell,” and “why did you keep going back to that house? Why did you stay in that family?”

Although well-intended, Oprah is a little off here. Maybe not in Matthew’s case, but untold numbers of children don’t disclose the abuse because it does feel good, they receive gifts, they are made to feel special among other children, or they crave the attention.

Many children only disclose the sexual abuse because it has ended, not to end the abuse. I should know. It’s what I did.

Oprah rightfully stated that so much of mainstream society thinks it’s all about the sex act, but the shame and the secrets are what actually cause you to turn on yourself, and often in ways that are violent or rage-filled.

Jerry Sandusky, is currently serving thirty to sixty years in prison. He has lost a recent appeal to the State Supreme Court and maintains he is innocent.

If only the abusers would learn that by admitting to what they have done, and then trying to turn it into a way to help children, or other perpetrators –oh what a beautiful thing it would be.

But sadly, most of them deny, attack, and reverse the victim/offender relationship.

The majority of perpetrators, and their wives and other family members, use name-calling, vindictive personal attacks, attempts to discredit the victim in any way they can think of, and they maliciously cut the victim off from any love-relationship or harmony between loved ones that could have existed –and they do so without a blink of an eye.

I speak from personal experience.




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Interview With Jerry Sandusky’s Adopted Son, Matthew, is Tonight On Oprah

Set your DVRs, or tune in tonight…

Matthew Sandusky, the adopted son of convicted child rapist, Jerry Sandusky, is breaking his silence for the first time since his father’s 2012 conviction on 45 counts of child sexual abuse. He will be speaking with Oprah, Thursday, July 17 2014 at 9:p.m. EST on OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network)








Posted in Child Abuse, child molestation, child sexual abuse, Headlines, News, rape and abuse | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments