Women Who Stay Married to Pedophiles: Victims Or Abusers Themselves?

“When a detective showed Jasmine a video of her husband confessing to sexually abusing a 10-year-old girl, she says, “It was like a knife through my heart.” The 43-year-old creator of HealingWives.com, an online support group for women with similar experiences, explains, “I felt like a victim myself — I mean, in an instant, my world changed.”

The experiences of the wives of child abusers are rarely focused on, but the headline-driving allegations against former college coaches Jerry Sandusky and Bernie Fine are changing that. A recently released tape recording of a conversation between one of Fine’s alleged victims and the coach’s wife, Laurie Davis, appears to reveal that she knew about her husband’s inappropriate sexual behavior. (CNN reported that Davis will claim that the recording was doctored.) Plenty have questioned whether Sandusky’s wife, Dorothy, could have been entirely unaware of her husband’s alleged abuse of boys over a 15-year period. The truth is that, should their husbands be found guilty, these women, along with Jasmine, are members of a unique and pained group; after all, the typical sexual abuser is a married man. How wives respond to the revelation of abuse varies greatly — from reporting it immediately to convincing themselves, time after time, that it won’t happen again. In plenty of cases, they aren’t even aware that their husband was attracted to children in the first place, let alone that he would ever abuse a pre-pubescent child.”

A unique and pained group? If Dorothy Sandusky and Laurie Davis knew about their husband’s (alleged) sexual abuse of children, they are far from being a unique group of women, and any pain they experience is nothing compared to the life-long suffering that child sexual abuse victims endure. Furthermore, any woman who learns their man is having sex with children, and she does not report it, and merely hopes it “won’t happen again,” is a co-abuser.

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100 Responses to Women Who Stay Married to Pedophiles: Victims Or Abusers Themselves?

  1. jerome Andrews says:

    Hi.I have read over 2oo sites that could answer my questions to some of my concerns your site is spot on. My now exgirlfriend was sexual aboused from the age of 5years. To 12 years old,and when she moved out after a year together was the best time of her life,her mother never ever had him arrested. And has belived every lie ,my hirlfriend moved home again,after our son was born,and moved again just around the cornner,but for 2 years its been a nightmare,her mother was alwys lying about me.and trying to push me awy,because I was revealing the truth,that her mother lied about,what’s sad her mother was also sexual abused by her blood father,this guy is a snake,my girlfriend use to treat me bad,for these people,even after my son was born,I noticed that,when ever my girlfriend was home.he would come home,and one day I caught her wispering to him.I was in ther tv room,I don’t believe that this guy has ever stopped pursusing her,when ever I asked her why he was at her place alone,she goes mad,attacting me.we we’re tlooking at her moving in with me.we had a fall out,she blocks me on whatsap and continue chatting with her? My question is,did domthing happen between her and him? One day she complaind about them,to mislead me,the next mintue she defending them? I told him I don’t want. Him close to my son,but I have dicided to give up after 5 years,itts been a night mare,to see her transform into a narc woman. Thankyou for your blog, it really helped me! Jerome Andrews

    • Alethea says:

      Jerome…..so happy you found my Blog.

      Your ex’s mother is one of the 43% of mothers who don’t do anything about their own child’s rapist. It is quite common.

      I hope you have joint custody of your child. If you see that she is putting the child at risk, I would sue for full custody if I were you, with supervised visitation for your ex.

      Your ex displays the signs of having been with the guy, but that is not for me to say, but it sounds like it.

      Women who are sexualized at a young age, through abuse, will often end up being with perpetrators within the family, or will be sexually abused by other perpetrators in the family. Sometimes it starts with rape, and the woman will end up being involved in a relationship with him.

      I hope you find some help, or answers here.

      All my best,
      Alethea

  2. VeryConfused says:

    Hi, this would be the first time that I take part in anything like this.

    I am at the moment so frustrated and confused and have to start somewhere to try and figure this thing out for myself.

    I am not a victim, a abuser and I am not the wife of a sexual offender who stayed with him, but do have a few questions regarding the matter. I do understand why some wife’s do not leave their husbands after finding out that they are child sexual offenders, I do not agree with it though, what I want to know is if it is at all a good idea to let that person who abused the child spend any time with the same child even after he allegedly turned to God, had treatment and are now a “changed man”? Is that right of the wife who stayed to allow this?

    My mother stayed with her husband after finding out that he abused my sisters child, he went to court and got convicted and now that he’s payed for his crimes she expects everything to go back to normal and us accepting what happened and that he has changed and that it will never happen again.

    I know it is not myself that was abused and luckily I am for from having children or it might have been my own children, but it was my sisters child. I know it is not myself that are going through that pain of having been abused, but are frustrated that it happened to that child and that the child is now going through that and there is not much I can do to help; and who knows if there were others or not. And for this reason she thinks that what happened is not suppose to effect me at all, which I do not understand. I do not know if this is the right blog for my questions, I just needed to start somewhere.

    She and the hubby have hurt and destroyed the whole family and even taken away the joy of my children to experience a white snowy Christmas holiday with Grandpa and Grandmother even way before they are born, as I would never ever be able to trust them around my children. Does she not realize that something like this effects the WHOLE family not just HER, him and the child involved. This is the order I think she sees who were effected the most, see that the child is last and therefore in her mind effected the littlest as he will grow up and forget all about it. Huh? It is mind blowing. How can someone be so… I don’t even know what to name it.

    How does she at all think everything will ever be the same as “before”? Is it possible to even as just a family member forgive and forget that it ever happened and how can I not be effected and therefore not have feelings about this. Am I being oversensitive or getting involved to much in what she calls “something between her, her husband, my sister and her husband” and she says have nothing to do with me. How can I not want to run the arrogant ass over with a truck every time I see him? I know I am just the aunt but are so concerned about the situation. Please give advise on how to handle something like this. They live in the same city and the child still sees them on a regular basis. Seems like my sister and brother in-law have forgiven him for what he has done to that poor little child and still lets him around the child. I am worried as to how this is effecting the child?

    • Alethea says:

      Very Confused…

      I am moving this week, so I can’t reply until my computer is up and online in the new house. Please know that I will get back to you with a reply as soon as possible. You are not alone.

      I have to run now…

      ~Alethea

    • Alethea says:

      Dear Very Confused,

      NO, it is not a good idea to let the person who abused a child to be alone with that child, or any other child. That person should be in prison. The wife has no right, duty, or obligation to stay with a child molester or child rapist. She has a duty to protect the innocent, and to see that justice is served.

      What does “turned to God” mean anyway? Do you know how many child sexual abusers come home from church on Sunday and sexually molest or rape their children? Or how many of them sexually abuse their child on Christmas morning? The only “treatment” a child abuser can have which is affective is NOT available to anyone except a select few who are lucky enough to have it. There is no changing a child abuser. He or she must TRANSFORM his or her soul. They need to go through an entire therapy and spiritual-enlightened process that can take years or decades.

      If your mother or sister allow your father to be alone with children, then they are a danger to society.

      Your mother does not want it to affect you because that way, she does not have to face her own culpability and lack of awareness….If you “forget the past” and “move on” then she will be able to do so without ever having to talk about it or face her own part in it all.

      Whatever harm, molestation, betrayal, pleasure, trauma, or abuse that little boy has experienced from his grandfather WILL NOT JUST GO AWAY. He might have blocked it out by now, but the abuse WILL need to be dealt with by his conscious mind and his soul when he hits an age that it will begin to affect him.

      Your sister and brother in-law are unconscious, unaware people who are putting the little victim in the presence, same room, arms??? of the man who sexually abused him. How dare they? How dare they make that choice for the child?

      It is not your business in the sense of you not being able to do anything, and obviously, saying something to them falls on deaf ears. But you do have a duty to keep your eyes and ears open for that child to come to you for help. Be his protection if he is ever abused again. Stay connected to him. Keep a relationship with the child so he can confide in you if he is ever in harm’s way again.

      ~Alethea

  3. martina1973 says:

    Hi Alethea,

    I can’t tell you how much your blog has helped me, I used to have recurrent nightmares about my abuser chasing me and just when there was absolutely no escape for me I would wake up petrified, heart racing etc; but recently I have started having nightmares about my children being chased by a male figure unknown to me, i am also in it but I can’t reach them to save them, it’s horrific to the point that I wake up I am trying to scream for them but my whole body is paralysed. I honestly feel like my heart is going to burst.
    Have you had any experience of this or similar? Does the pain & fear ever ease?

    • Alethea says:

      Martina,

      I want to thank you so much for your comment, as it moved me to accomplish my goals. I have been a bit stagnant because I have been scattering my energies all over the place in the direction of too many projects. This has stopped me from focusing on my original plans of finishing my book, starting a FB page, doing public speaking, and getting a psychology degree.

      I used to have recurring nightmares –including the kind that woke me up in a state of not being able to breathe, and my heart pounding so loudly I thought it would explode.

      Your dream may represent feeling helpless to save yourself as a child, but also now, as an adult, wanting to save yourself (having the conscious desire to heal your own inner child). The unknown male figure could be your abuser for sure, but do you know who your abuser is? If so, the unknown figure could represent him, but that you are not strong enough to actually face seeing him in the dream. If you don’t know who abused you, then the male figure represents the unknown. Or it could be that you have unknown issues to deal with in regards to having been abused by this man.

      However, dreams are mostly unique to the dreamer, so this has to make sense to you.

      The only way that I got rid of the nightmares, panic, rapid heart, forgetting how to breathe when I woke, etc. etc. was through the hypno-analysis therapy. There is no other way to get rid of the past, without facing it head on…and this means that a person must regress, at the subconscious level, to childhood and face the incident which created the trauma, terror, and rage…and then transform it….at the subconscious level. I have heard good things about EMDR, but people that I have spoken to, and read about, do not fully heal with EMDR.

  4. J76 says:

    My mother stayed with my sexual abuser, even when I told her 9 years ago. I’m 26 now and she’s still there. The funny thing is that people always tell me to leave it alone and forgive my mother and I can’t. I just can’t. My Grandmother kept telling me, ‘he’s helping her’. So staying with a man who put their hands on your child is less important that your bills? Bullshit! But yet the same man is abusing her and everyone is rushing by her side to fix . What a bunch of fuckers! And guess what she still won’t leave. I don’t even feel sorry for her no more, I just pity her because she is a hot mess and a sick individual. I’ve come to this conclusion that she likes it and they all like it and to hell with how I feel or what happened to me because apparently ‘I’m making it up’. Yeah… cause I just have the time and the patience to waste my time with such nonsense. It’s hurtful and just shocking.

    My mother says ‘that things won’t be different’… because she was never there when I was growing up. She was more interested in chasing that abuser up and down the country to prisons for his drug charges, partying and finding a man than her own children. Apparently according to my brother she feels guilty for not being there for us and yet when it’s the time to step up to the plate she still picked a man and still picks that man. Stupid!! She doesn’t even know how to mother and to be honest she doesn’t think about anyone else apart from herself.

    The saddest thing is that mothers like this have no self esteem, no self respect and no dignity… it’s all in the gutter along with their husbands whom they stay married to.

    • Alethea says:

      J76,

      “people always tell me to leave it alone and forgive my mother and I can’t. I just can’t.”

      People who say this are ignorant and cruel. They say this for their own self-comfort and have no knowledge of the human mind or about pure forgiveness –which can only come once the pain and anger are removed at the level they were instilled in the victim.

      “So staying with a man who put their hands on your child is less important that your bills?”

      Many many people think paying the bills takes precedence over the health, safety, and well-being of a child.

      “The saddest thing is that mothers like this have no self esteem, no self respect and no dignity… it’s all in the gutter along with their husbands whom they stay married to.”

      The bottom line is that modern, “civilized” cultures have put women and mothers on a pedestal, but anyone can spread their legs and have sex. That’s all it takes –a woman willing to have sex. Any degenerate can be willing to have sex. Any human being, with any kind of morals, can choose to spread their legs and engage in sex. So why on earth do we humans put mothers on a pedestal of goodness, righteousness, and purity?

      • Alethea says:

        J76,

        One more thing,

        You are your own mother now. Treat yourself well. Be good to your inner child. Protect her and love her with all your might.

      • Michelle says:

        As a parent, especially a mother there are instincts that kicks in. You put your children over yourself. I have 7 children. My 2 older girls were abused by my husband. When they told me, I was shocked. Denial is the safest thing to do; I did it and still sometimes don’t believe my kids (Now probably 90% belief to !0% unbelief). I think it is something that I do or I would go into a mental institution ..really. I have to watch my other children. The divorce from my husband was painful for myself and all my children. It took 2 years of many counselors , police, court appearances and testimonies from ALL my kids except the ones that cant talk. My ex took everything – houses, vehicles, furnishings, bank-accounts and left me in credit card debt. I finally won custody of the kids. One of my daughter is now my ex husband best friend and she said he MOLESTED her and he did time for the charges. She is 18 now. So I am still in unbelief a bit all the more. She has cut ties with me and says the kids and I are not her family???!!! I pray for my ex and my children all the time, and still tell her I love her. I don’t understand. I believe it rests in Gods hand… karma.

        • Alethea says:

          Michelle, your daughter’s connection to her abuser is nothing new and perfectly understandable in the psychological, as well as the father/daughter attachment sense. Many female children bond with their male perpetrator. It is called “trauma bonding.” Many are in love with their perpetrator because of father/daughter love, male/female chemistry, and conditioning through abuse.

          Many many women are angrier with their mother than with the father or step-father perpetrator. This is common. The female victim bonds with the male perp as a child and experiences jealousy and competition –just as if the mother/wife was ‘the other woman.’ Many times, these victims also saw the mother as being an unprotective person and feel they should have known and should have protected them. They can feel this way even if the mother truly knew NOTHING.

          You might consider all of this with an open heart and open mind. You might consider sitting down with her, without any desire for her to hear your side of things, and for her to be able to tell you everything she feels without you defending yourself. She might only desire an apology –even if you did not truly know anything was going on.

          Most daughters who cut ties with the mother desire nothing more than to be heard, validated, believed, and to hear a sincere apology –not excuses.

          Your 10% disbelief might be felt by her, and this also might contribute to her anger/hatred.

          Let go of any desire for her to understand your side of things. Let that go and you might be able to have a relationship with her again. One day, when she is healed, she can then hear you. Right now, SHE needs to be heard. SHE was the victim.

  5. gapeach says:

    I am hurting and a bit upset because my mother stayed with my step father after he molested my sister when she was eight. we are in our early thirties now and for years she struggled with drugs and alcohol. she eventually had two children herself, and because of her abuse and addictions she could not care for them, my mother took custody of them when they were 5 and 6. but just recently i have been granted custody because my niece came forward and told he was molesting her! but the thing is, my mom is still with him!!! what is wrong with her???

    • Alethea says:

      Dear gapeach,

      Your story is quite common. However, there is no way of knowing for certain why she stays with him. Only your mother knows the answer to that, inside herself. She may not even know exactly why, without having deep therapy.

      The most common reasons are that these kind of women want the paychecks to keep coming in, they want to keep their man, they never really wanted children in the first place and love the molester more than the child. They often stay out of a sick idea of forgiveness and a loyalty to religion. Other women stay because they are deeply insecure and don’t feel they can ever get another man. Others are more disturbed and they get off on the molestation. Some are living out their own childhood abuse, and attracted to the man because of their own experience with incest.

      Your case is very common. You are not alone.

      But I find it pretty disturbing that your mother was able to have custody of your sister’s children. Didn’t anyone else know about the abuse of your sister and say something to the court system? I can understand if your sister was too sick and dysfunctional when she was on drugs and alcohol, but what about the rest of the family? Couldn’t someone have stopped your mother from getting the kids?

      Alethea

    • Martina says:

      My sister is married to the man who abused me. I can’t even begin to describe how I feel. I can’t see my family because she is still married to him. It’s devastating and has and is still destroying me.

      • Alethea says:

        Martina, if your family is like the vast majority of the other families with this scenario, then your other family members probably behave as if YOU are the one with the problem right? and that YOU should “get over it” and they have probably embraced him as one of the family…………..”forgive and forget” right?

        If this is your family’s attitude, you are not alone.

        Alethea

        • martina1973 says:

          That’s exactly right Alethea, my mother’s words were ” put it behind you” that’s easy for her to say, she’s not the one having nightmares. My sister told her that if I pressed charges against her husband, she would end her life, how could she threaten such a thing? I wish my sister could see him for the abuser he really is, and put an end to his abuse because let’s face it by protecting him and keeping his secret , well in my opinion she is partially guilty.

          • Alethea says:

            Martina, your sister is a child abuser if she is having sex with the man who sexually abused you. If she is willingly bringing, or trying to bring, innocent children into that marriage, she is putting children in danger.

            • martina1973 says:

              She has 4 children, 3 over 18 and one 10 year old. I will never understand her, I wish I could but she is a bully in her own right, if you see where I’m coming from. She will defend him forever. Their children are terrified of both of them. They disgust me. I truly believe these women should be made aware and accountable for their protecting and defending of these men. Are they scared? And then become bitter, angry and take it out on the kids, is it they just can’t see a way out?
              How can this be right? If she would only tell the truth, this monster would be in prison. May god forgive her.

  6. petra brown says:

    It is all well and good having “sympathy” for the pedophiles and abusers in our lives/midst, however it should be obvious that the abused should have our sympathy (considering that most abused people try their damn hardest NOT to continue the pain by NOT abusing their children or any other’s. It has been just under nine months since I had to send the social services to the house that my ex lives in where he is shacked up with a woman who has a young child and his teenaged daughter who i suspected he has/is sexually abusing/abused. This man used the same old rhetoric that ALL abusers use in order for him to separate his two daughters from each other. His older daughter was highly promiscuous (well who wouldn’t be when her own father “turned her out” between the ages of six-twelve with more attempts made, but by the age of twelve she made an adult decision to “take her own men” in order for her father to leave her alone?).
    This “male” (I cannot call him a “man”) damn near kidnapped his two daughters from the caribbean( just to spite their mother) to live with a woman who nobody (including his kids) knew that he had married after the mother of his children finally managed to get rid of him after an abusive eighteen year relationship. Well his marriage imploded after only two years, but he managed to knock up said estranged wife with a son who he cares not for. When I met him, I naively thought that the strange dynamic that I was witnessing (he would ostracise the eldest daughter, he wouldn’t really interact with them etc, etc was due to the trauma of his broken marriage and the fact that he was estranged from his son/their brother.
    Then he started the bitching and moaning about his estranged wife. Now I don’t play that game. I know enough about relationships gone wrong to know that nobody is responsible for your own happiness and that it takes two to tango. Plus, I get no “validation” from hearing a partner of mine “hating” on his ex “cos I am a woman. A lot of gaslighting and red flags appeared, but he was consistent in his “good” behaviour. Then one evening I went out and said that I would be back at ten o’ clock. I got bored and returned about eight o’clock…… to an apartment in full darkness (considering that his youngest daughter had no concept of doing her homework or going to bed early and it appeared that her father had no interest in making her do so, this was odd. Plus eight o’ clock is very early to do a “lights off” number anyway). I did not know WHAT was up, but I knew something was up. I immediately phoned my adult, non resident daughter and loudly asked “Am I losing my effing mind or is it madness to return home to total darkness at eight o’clock ?” Of course she said it was strange. I went into my ex step daughter’s room and she was in bed lying prostrate, but awake. i went into my bedroom and my ex was curled up in a tight coil and not sleeping. I may add that the bedroom door for his daughter was opposite the apartment entry door ( easy escape when he hears the front door key go in?). This was all explained to me so as not to raise “suspicions”. Anyhoo, the relationship deteriorated and even though I was doing the childcare, ( this is going to sound strange) it appears that he and his youngest daughter had a clandestine relationship which included him taking her to the home of the woman who he was cheating on me with (I discovered this through pure bloodhoundedness AFTER we broke up). The oldest daughter moved out under the guise that I was too strict. It was because her father had been trying it on with her (again) to the point that he asked her for anal sex (something he used to ask me for and not receive).
    To cut a long story short, after i kicked him out, he left important things like his eldest daughter’s passport at my place. i managed to track her down and the first thing she said to me after i told her that her father and I were no longer together was “that man abused me for years”. I believed her and now knew why I was so leery about ” the night of the eight o’clock darkness” and other things. I let her talk (unprompted) and there were too many “red flags”. She did not want her business dragged up, but my ADULT responsibility was to report my suspicions to the local authorities in which my my now lived. I think that the new woman is in denial, plus the factor that I have probably been portrayed as a bitter ex and his eldest daughter a liar. I had no doubt that his youngest, confused, convinced her real mother is not interested in her daughter would deny ( unfortunately I think she covers her pain with a sense of entitlement and materialism) any allegations against her father.
    A lot of people warned me that this would happen, but it is not about me, the adult, is it? A lot of people say that I should be pissed because his eldest daughter appears “un grateful” for my telling. Well I say that an eighteen year old is not responsible for my feelings and she has a RIGHT to be mistrustful of ANY woman who lies down with a man who she knows abused her (even if I didn’t know). A lot of the times adults forget that they were kids and how black and white kids think. A lot of adults care more about WHO is right and not WHAT is right. My back is broad and I have the ability to self chastise without begging pity. Why should my pain and shame trump the child’s who my ex actually raped? How is that kind of thinking not dissimilar to the warped thinking an abuser has ( in order to justify to themselves what they do to get their rocks off). I’m not trying to beat anybody with a stick, but we choose not to see or empathise due to SELF INTEREST and self interest alone ( no matter how small). It’s the denial of this fact plus some women’s martyr complex that is failing the CHILDREN. I’ll be got damned if I’m laying up with a man knowing that he is cheating on me with a child! Basic, I know, but from this basic point ( if most women and men have it) will full empathy and sympathy come for the CHILD victims (because I know their are secondary victims, but we come far behind so we have to keep the pity parties low key and to ourselves, for decency sake if not anything else). Sorry, but I just cannot get my head around shame,pride and loose change trumping a proper covenant (a non abuser cannot be yoked with an abuser unless the non abuser is as selfish as the abuser) and the pain and justice of a child. All those who have been sexually abused as children, I say may the most high go with you. This hitting close to home has made a bit more private than I would rather be, but more sympathetic to that adult who is depressed or angry for no apparent reason. It has opened my eyes to how widespread this is and how a lot of people try and minimise. It has also made me realise that I actually come from a culture where pedophilia, intergenerational transactional sex, etc is a big old dirty secret. Its made me scorn my father (his first child’s mother was fifteen when he was twenty six, he met his now wife when she was seventeen and he was forty three! He has a child with his first cousin when she was eighteen and he was forty one!) These predators do not change, they just age. Any interaction with them is validation for them, trust me.

  7. Low self esteem woman says:

    The love for your children should outweigh the love for a man who violated them. You can forgive but that does not mean you stay with a child molestor. My friend’s husband molested her children and she goes on as if nothing happened because she doesn’t want to be alone. Well, I know this I am alone right now but I not lonely. I am happy and I don’t lose sleep at night because I am the one sleeping next to a child molestor. I enjoyed reading this blog and I am very grateful that I love my child so much. I will always protect my child no matter what because that is my job as a mother. No issues in my household but she is the smiling on the outside trying to impress the church and on the inside she is living in her own hell. I will pray for her.

    • Alethea says:

      Thank you so much for dropping in and commenting. Your children are so lucky to have you. I am always grateful to know there are women like you out there.

      While that other woman is smiling and trying to impress the church, she is offending God. She can choose to live in her own hell if she wants to; that is her choice. But children have no choice. If her children, or any children, are still in danger with the man she wants to hang on to, then please pray for them, not for her. Pray that her children are safe, and that other children stay safe. She has made her decision, and that is her will, so your prayers should be concentrated on the safety of children.

      Alethea

  8. Anonymous says:

    Hello Althea~~WOW i really relate to this article! Unfortunately my Mother was one of those who chose to stay with my stepfather…was 12 when it began and it finally ended when left the house at 18 yrs old. He was fine for 7 yrs from 5-12…then the abuse started like clockwork (he & my mom were separated at the time and living in different cities). The bad thing was he confessed to all of it in front of her & then in front of me (like a script from a play, he was very matter of fact) when she returned home a couple of months later…and she forgave him on the spot. I also did too and promptly learned to stuff my feelings. He told me to keep my mouth shut about it though or he would kill me. Also, Mom told me to keep it quiet because it would look terrible for the family. I wasn’t “allowed to tell my Grandma, his parents….God Forbid they find out. Trying to just stick to facts here and not feelings.

    Then, she remarried the man less than a year later…YES my mother remarried my stepfather to start anew with him and she later claimed that she didn’t know he would continue to abuse me. She (my Mom) had a four year college degree and pretty smart at least book wise not common sense wise. She then used the money her Father left her after he died to DEFEND this criminal~~(Stepfather was a school teacher~a special education one at that. He abused many other students. One of the victims/students is the one who blew the whistle) Anyway, so my Mom hires two criminal defense attornies to defend Stepfather…he gets a slap on the wrist, a fine, and loses his teaching license, not supposed to be around any minors under 18, and was supposed to pay for counseling for me. i REGRET horribly the fact that I never spoke up about it until it was way too late….(the statute of limitations was up on the sexual abuse)…the DA called me in 1992 to ask me if i wanted to press charges against Stepfather…said no way and hung up. Then when I went to counseling later, Mom always said “Oh God, don’t tell on your Stepfather, he’s already paid enough. Leave him alone!”

    To this day~~Mom still says after I try to explain to her how much it really damaged my life permanently..you can’t give back somebody’s innocence…she states: “You have to understand where I was coming from.” Well that always makes me feel VERY angry and then i call her out and ask her to leave or hang up the phone. The rest of the family like my Aunt to this day does NOT believe me…they believe my Mother. The consequences of her actions however are that she’s not allowed to see my daughter by me or her Dad, neither of us trust her. Mom & Stepfather finally got divorced in 2007. WAY too late. It is hardest to let go of this type of thing when you never will get any type of justice legally for it…i played good daughter for over 20 yrs and kept my mouth sealed shut & ended up suffering to keep their damned secret. I gave my Stepdad 1 last chance to see my daughter, my Mom was there & me. We had lunch. The way he looked at her gave me tingles up and down my spine and this is like nearly 30 yrs later from when sexual abuse first began. Good grief…that is the LAST time I have seen the Stepfather . Have no desire to see him so long as i shall live. I want to write a book eventually helping to teach kids/children to speak up about the abuse no matter what the “Abuser” or your family says. I feel that this would bring some healing. Else they might regret it for the rest of their lives. God Bless.

    • Alethea says:

      Thank you for sharing so much Anonymous. Your story is one that I have read, or heard, many many times before. Always the same scenario, different characters. Mothers who sacrifice their daughters to keep their man, and the paychecks coming in, are abundant. Have you worked on your anger for your mother? The mother is often protected inside the victim’s mind, and they put all their anger towards the abuser, while neglecting the deep and traumatic emotional wound that is disguising itself as “she did the best she could,” “She has mental problems,” “she was a victim of his manipulation,” “she is weak,” “she was a victim in childhood too, so she doesn’t know any better,” etc. etc.

      Write you book. Good for you.

      Thank you for your strength and courage.

      Alethea

  9. me says:

    To add to my last post, I think we are beginning to accept and learn that women stay with these pedophiles for various reasons. But the issue of women pedophiles should really be brought to the surface. Without the help of his wife, Garrido would not have been able to carry out his sick desires. Same thing with Scanio.

  10. me says:

    Thank you for this blog! Honestly, thank you!!! I welcome your thoughts. The wife of a convicted pedophile remained loyal to her husband prior to his Federal Incarceration for child pornogaphy. Even after he admitted to having images of their two daughters. Infact, she created a blog dedicated to him describing him as her, mentor, best friend, lover, and cheerleader. Bizzare! He did 4 years in the Federal Pen. After his release, she volunteered for a position in the City as a parks and recs commissioner. A non paid position. She used her authority to facilitate his entrance into the local ice rink. He was subject to the same sex offender parole terms like all offenders and she knew what each and every one was. She knew he was not allowed there. Or anywhere around there as it was next to the public pool, daycare, playground, boys and girls club, library, youth sports filed and so on.

    My daughter, the newest member of this skate club and I were completely unaware of who and what he was. At a skate party once, she nominated him as President of our little girls skate club and got him elected! He would attend various functions with our daughters and at one birthday party, I , a photographer snapped a pic of his wife, him and the entire group of kids. A couple weeks later I’m reading the paper and whammo!..He was busted at the rink and arrested. I freaked out. I contacted the coaches and they didn’t care. Not one bit. Wouldn’t even talk about it. Turns out the other Mother’s in the group didn’t care either. Say what?! Was I nuts? Was I crazy for wanting to know why this woman and her husband were giving him access to children…in clear violation? And if that wasn’t bad enough, it was later learned that he tried to lure my daughter twice. Because he was the President though, she didn’t say anything. She she felt uncomfortable but never imagined what he had planned. We filed a police report. I was so disgusted and angry that nobody was angry that I began to investigate this mans history and his wife. I wanted answers. Why wasn’t anyone freaking out like I was? Why wasn’t anyone demanding to know why this woman gave her husband access to our children? Long story shot, they all knew. She told these people he wasn’t a sex offender. Due to the timing of his sentence, he did not have to register with Megans Law. Infact, as I have learned, there is about25% of offenders not on Megans Law. She told people he is not an offender because he downloaded one image of what he thought was an 18 year old and it turned out to be a 17 year old. She claims the Feds set him up. In reality he had hundreds of thousands of disturbing images
    of children. On home and work computers. But people believed her. Now you might be wondering how people can be so stupid, but she is that manipulative. I assure you. She can make you believe the sky is orange while you are looking up and seeing it blue. Typical pedophile behavior though. The coaches knew too. One of them was married to a hockey player who almost died due to his throat being slashed by a skate. Feel free to google that story. I can only assume that due to all his legal troubles, that perhaps she felt a connection with the pedophiles wife. They were friends. The coaches were getting free advertising from the pedos wife. She is an on air personality for a radio station. Like the Sandusky case, coaches knew and remained tight lipped for their own benefit. And they remained quiet while all of these people worked to recruit children. Like my daughter, the newest member.

    The pedos wife worked all those parents and those parents harassed my daughter and I right out of the rink. The pedos wife got a restraining order on us after we filed the police report. I blogged about this woman and threatened to expose her and everyone involved. I never made physical threats, but due to my own ignorance, I responded incorrectly on the paperowork and the order was granted. Since then, this evil woman has used it against us to retaliate. Her husband was remanded back to Federal Prison and I’d like to boast…with our help. My daughter a star witness and that photo of the birthdy party was key evidence.

    During the investigation, Feds disovered that Scanio and his wife lied on weekly parole reports. He failed to register as a sex offender. They lied about his residence. He was living near a school. He was using unauthorized computers. He attempted to fraud the Federal Government stating the Feds returned a broken computer to him. He hatched this scheme with an incacerated child rapist. He was frequenting other places where children play. He has photos of kids on his computers. And the most disturbing…he and his wife initiated their 9 year old daughter to become pen pals with incacerated inmates. Child rapists! Investigators found photos of the little girl in her bathing suit hanging on prison walls like a playboy centerfold! They found letters and poems written to the inmates by the ltitle girl. The couple had a business partner, a convicted child molester with 10 victims. Her role in the community as a radio host got these men working for the City and Chamber. She had them help her with annual halloween events for children. Etc,,etc..etc….
    Btw…her child was removed by CPS following testamony about the pen pal thing. The child was returned only after Daddy was finally remanded. Fools. Don’t they know she is dangerous?

    Since his trip back to the pen and once the truth about him came out in the media, she has been lying to people saying they divorced. In reality, her estranged family tells me her Grandfathr told her she would be cut from the Will if she stayed with him. No public records of divorce can be found. A year and a half later the woman remains hell bent on revenge towards my family, continues to file bogus police reports claiming I am violating the TRO.

    Is this a pedophile?

    I am convinced she is and she knows I know what she is.

    • Alethea says:

      Dear “Me,”

      That’s a lot to take in. It sounds like it needs to be made into a movie for Lifetime Television (so the story gets out there). All I can say is that the wife is just as much as a child abuser as the husband, and those parents who waved their hand away at your concerns are not much better.

      This is the on-going situation in our world. The story never changes, just the town and the people’s names.

      This woman and those parents who shunned you, are why child sexual abuse and child pornography continue. They allow it to happen with their willful denial, and with, ‘don’t bother us with that ugly topic, we don’t want to hear about it.’

      Good for you for being strong and courageous. Thank you for taking action in the face of being ostracized and attacked. You are part of those who help stop child abuse and child pornography.

      Keep up the good work, and know you are doing the right thing, and you are supported by many of my readers.

      Alethea

      • me says:

        Much of my anger stems from my community that looked the other way. In part due to our tourism industry and in part due to some bizzare mentality. The media refuses to tell the story, and the worst part…it’s happening right here in the same community where Jaycee Dugard was kidnapped. Go figure. I would love nothing more than to expose every individual who helped support these pedophiles by doing nothing. By looking the other way and by shunning me. (perfect term, thank you) I am writing a book. Thank you for your support!

  11. Remi White says:

    I am trying to understand why my sister is staying with my brother-in-law. She is very intelligent and has held an administrative postion in the public schools for over 30 years. He was a school teacher. He was convicted and sentenced to 20 years in federal prison for possesing the largest child pornography collection in the country. He also confested to mollesting my niece. My sister claims he is mentally ill, and she will not abandon him because of this. There signs earier in their marriage he had a problem, and they split once 10 years ago over a pornography addiction. I love my sister but it’s getting harder and harder to support her personally. What motivates this kind of behavior?

    • Alethea says:

      Hi Remi,

      Only your sister knows why she stays with him, and in all honesty, she may not even know why. She might have been abused herself and is conditioned, she might have abused a child and identifies with him, she might feel she can “fix” him, or feels bound by a religious dogma to stay with him. She might feel guilty for allowing it to happen under her nose (maybe she ignored an instinct or a sign) –guilt can cause people to support the perpetrator. She might feel that he is the only man on earth who is capable of loving her –this would stem from a deep-seated low self-worth, which can come from having been a victim herself as a child.

      Sometimes, only deep psychoanalysis can tell why we humans do what we do. As long as he is in prison and children are safe, I would not waste too much time or energy on her motivation or on trying to change her. You will be liberated by letting go of any need for her to be anything other than what she is, and that she will probably never get help for herself. As I wrote in my book, it’s like being upset with a handicapped person for not being able to walk, or angry at the blind for not being able to see.

      Alethea

      • Remi says:

        Thank you…your explanation has helped. My sister has been seeing a therapist since my brother in law was arrested. I’ve often wished I could talk to her to understand why she thinks the way she does. I think your advice to let her be what she is is priceless. Thank you!

  12. Prissygrl says:

    i am beyond confused but need to know if this is right. My father sexually molested me from the beginning of puberty up until he got caught in 1997. he was convicted. He still continues to make sexual comments about myself or any young female that crosses his path. My mother stayed married to my father bc her belief is that it is harder to stay than it is to walk away. I am married now with a daughter who is at the ripe age of puberty. I see a pattern of my mother buying her clothes that are a bit too short or allowing my daughter to be left in compromising positions (my daughter waits at rim of tub while her grandfather is in the tub.) i am concerned because i am starting to think that she had plenty of clues while the molestation went on with me but simply ignored it. I also wonder if maybe she is assisting my father in getting his needs met. My mother now longer enjoys sex with my father, but he must be getting his needs met somewhere. i think my mother is/was grooming us younger women to satisfy her husband. there is this 19yr old girl that my brother briefly dated, and she hangs around the house constantly. My father has been complelety honest in stating that if she (the 19yr old) keeps coming around and breastfeeding directly in front of my father, that he will not be held responsible for whatever happens. I have told my mother this info and again she acts like it is no big deal. This 19yr old frequently comes by the house when my mother is at work and my mother sees nothing wrong with it. I was home for the holidays and actually witnessed her pulling out her breast to feed her child. When i pointed out that it was inappropriate for her to do in public, she (19yrold) argued me down stating she was just feeding her kid. btw, my dad just sat there watching and was calm until i literally started frothing at the mouth. Only then did he get up to get her a receiving blanket. I need help in knowing if my mother is by chance setting my father up with these girls so that she may not have to satisfy his needs. My daughter is no longer allowed around my father or mother without mine or her dad’s supervision. Could it be possible that my mother knew the enitre time but would rather not sacrifice her comfortable lifestyle??
    please Help

    • Alethea says:

      Dear Prissygrl,

      I am nearly certain your mother knew what your father was doing to you. I base that on the high rate of women who know, suspect, or have a feeling that abuse is happening but choose to do nothing, and the fact that she stayed married to your father after he was caught pretty much seals the case.

      The signs that you have described with your mother and your daughter, and the fact that she does not want to have sex are indicative of a woman who might allow a child to be sexually abused. The fact that you even think your mother could be grooming you, and could be grooming your daughter tells me that she probably did with you, and might be doing it with your daughter.

      Mothers/women are very capable of this kind of evil and many do it. Get it out of your head that mothers are all good and would never hurt a child sexually. Don’t let friends, neighbors, or family tell you, “Oh mothers don’t do that!”

      This 19 year-old breastfeeding directly in front of your father is not only disgusting, but inviting your father. She probably enjoys getting the sexual attention and it sounds like a cocktail for child sexual abuse in that home. It does not sound like a bunch of healthy people at all…

      “The 19-yr old frequently comes by the house when my mother is at work and my mother sees nothing wrong with it.”

      You should NEVER allow your child around your mother or father alone…never…..nor around that 19-year old. She also sounds degenerate.

      “Could it be possible that my mother knew the entire time but would rather not sacrifice her comfortable lifestyle??”

      Not only is it possible, it is highly probable. I will try and find the articles on my blog about this subject for you. There are many many articles here that might help you.

  13. J9 says:

    Alethea, no reply button after your last comment. I am not real familiar with how this works.
    You are right.

  14. J9 says:

    The anger tonight is at myself for staying married to a pedephile for far too long after discovery out of fear, weakness, 23 years old with 3 children 3 and under, completely sick with insanity and no support system, never even heard the words. Still to this day my children defend their pedephile father, even resent me for not trusting him. See what clever manipulators they are? They destroy, they destroy , they destroy.
    But if we are such a fucking liberated generation of woman can’t we protect our baby girls from these filthy creeps? Can’t we please? Can we please at least stop protecting them and start protecting our babies? I AM GUILTY AS CHARGED here and I am ready to be part of the change.

    • Alethea says:

      J9, You have a good soul. The willingness for you to totally accept responsibility without excuses or “woe’s me” shows that you are a strong-willed, smart human being who can now make a difference. I don’t know who thinks this generation is full of liberated women. Women are still just as messed up as men in this day and age. Actually, all the abortion in America shows -not liberation- but selfishness to the worst degree.

      • J9 says:

        There is so much more to my story but it is not time yet. I don’t feel so much like a good soul. Right now I know 1 thing. About 2 months ago the sun started being to bright for my eyes, I did not understand. Now I do, the scales are gone and I stepped off the roller coaster.

  15. Butterfly says:

    I just saw this blog. I am so thankful that someone is standing up for this. My step-father sexually molested me from the age of 7-17. 10 years. He never raped me, but would come into my room every night and dry-humped me and kissed me all over my face (I didn’t know the term “dry-humping” until I was older). He also had a hole in my bedroom wall where he would watch my friends and I dress and would also watch through the window to watch me, my older sister (also his stepdaughter) and our friends shower. My mom and a friend also caught him coming into my room, smelling my worn underwear and bras and taking them with him when we left. I’m lucky that he never took it past this, but I still live with the pain of what happened to me for so long. My mom chose to stay with this man and my family treats me as if I handled the situation too dramatically. They want to sweep it under the rug and move on. CPS was not a big help, as I did not report it until I was older and even at that time, I was not ready to press charges. I am now 26, married to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful children. We do not have a relationship with my family because of how they reacted to my situation and we never want my kids around my stepfather.

    What do you think of this?

    • Alethea says:

      Dear Butterfly,

      It’s funny because Butterfly was my screen name in the months and years following the recall of the incest I endured. I have a special affection for the name, for many reasons.

      You ask what do I think?

      You were a victim of incest. Dry humping by your father is like dry-rape.

      Your father was/probably still is, a dangerous man

      Your mother staying with him has probably caused you a lot of pain and anger, even if you do not totally acknowledge it and think you have forgiven her.

      Your family saying you handled the situation too dramatically, and that they want you to sweep it under the rug is for THEIR comfort and convenience. It has NOTHING to do with truth, or with your healing. It is also typical behavior of family members in incest cases; and their attitude is what allows child sexual abuse to continue.

      “We do not have a relationship with my family because of how they reacted to my situation and we never want my kids around my stepfather.”

      I think you are lucky to have a husband and kids, and real love in your life, because you will never get it from your biological family. Embrace your husband and kids and be grateful for their love every day. And thank you for being willing to keep your kids away from that man.

      Alethea

  16. Alethea says:

    To “confused” and “mom.” I have read your recent comments and want you to know that I need a little time to reply. I want to give you the time and respect that you both deserve when I reply to you. I am just trying to get myself organized this weekend and dealing with a couple of necessary things that can’t wait. Give me a couple of days. Thanks so much for your patience, and for caring about children.

  17. Mom says:

    I would like to share something. I recently got divorced. The marriage lasted 5 1/2 years. I have a son who is 4 years and 5 months old. My ex husband was a youth soccer coach (boys) for 22 years and quit when we got married. Now he is involved with the club again. We had sex for 3 months into the marriage, after that he was not able to have an erection anymory (with me, his words). No emotional intamacy either, to an extreme. Before we had a relationship, my ex husband was single for 16 years. No girlfriends, no women at his house ever seen by neighbours. Neighbour; I thought he was gay….Something is wrong here. My gut is telling me that. Yet, I have to let my young son visit his dad. I see no signs of abuse. He wants to go, misses him, etc. I can’t just accuse him of something..but I do feel a danger here. Yet, no acussations from the soccer club, no accusations from my oldest son, who is now 14. I am alert, but to be honest i would just love to follow my heart and keep him from him. When i read on your blog that abusers are liars…..this man lies about everything. He mentally abused me. Bad. He only thinks about himself. Our son is here to make him happy, not the other way around. I don’t know what to do with this feeling that something’s up. Before I can accuse i have to have concrete proof. Doesn’t matter from who. He can take me to court if i don’t let him see his son. I live in a small country in Europe, where everyone’s address is registered. So, no hiding here. My question is ofcourse what to look for, what to do? At this point I am wondering about his sexual preferences. I feel he is attracted to boys, around 15 years-17 years old. That is my gut feeling. I don’t feel as if he has abused our son. I just think that this is a situation where I don’t want to risk my son’s well being and want to handle it.

    • Alethea says:

      Dear “mom,”

      Anyone who hides their true sexuality, who is gay, who has mentally abused someone, who is selfish, who cannot be with a woman sexually, and who is involved in youth soccer…..would put up a red flag to me.

      Of course you cannot outright accuse or assume anything. Of course you have to let your son see his father, and be careful because if you ever tell this to anyone…your husband can easily take your son from you.

      He might never touch your son, but keep an open communication with your son, and know that even though sexual abuse seems horrible to adults (and it is), you must be aware of an uncomfortable fact…..many children experience pleasure and are groomed into thinking it is fun or just what they are ‘supposed to do’ with their parents, or they feel it is to get attention and affection..so they like it. In other words, your son might not display symptoms or negative signs if he is being sexually abused.

      I will get back to you on symptoms of abuse….

      • Alethea says:

        As promised; signs of sexual abuse in young boys and teenage boys…

        Trouble walking or sitting.
        Displays knowledge or interest in sexual acts inappropriate to his or her age, or even seductive behavior.
        Makes strong efforts to avoid a specific person, without an obvious reason.
        Doesn’t want to change clothes in front of others or participate in physical activities.
        Changes in behavior
        Trouble sleeping
        Bed wetting
        Being fearful
        Explosive anger or rage
        Trouble in school.
        Difficulty trusting others
        Masculinity issues
        Sexuality issues

        Although many children show no physical signs of sexual abuse, some children will have bruising, skin tears, cuts, sexually transmitted diseases, but lack of physical evidence means nothing.

  18. confused says:

    My brother-in-law sexually abused my niece when she was really young. No one knows the full details because she was too young to state clearly what happened, and he downplayed everything. But the police even said they felt more happened then what he said. Obviously I stopped having everything to do with him (I never liked the guy anyways). But my sister stayed married to him. They have a 16 year old son together. He was 13 or 14 when this all happened. My sister claims that Social Services told her that she was not allowed to say anything to her son about what happened and that if it was found out that she told him anything, they would remove him from her. He (her son) has ADD and ADHD and thinks his Dad is the best person in the world, so supposedly she was afraid that if she left her husband that her son would hate her and never understand why she would do that and want to live with his Dad and hate her for telling him that he couldn’t. I don’t know if I should believe her or not. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt because I feel that’s what I should do. And I know if I cut off ties with her, I won’t be able to see my nephew until he is living out on his own, plus I don’t know if he would be okay with me not having anything to do with his mother and him not knowing why (and me not being able to tell him the truth). Thankfully we don’t live close to them and I’m not that close with her to begin with so I’m pretty limited in my association. But it really bothers me not knowing if she is telling the truth or not…if she is staying with him for the wrong reasons, I really don’t want to have anything to do with her. But I don’t want to cut her off if she is telling the truth.

    • Alethea says:

      Dear confused,

      What your sister claims, sounds pretty fishy to me. Who on earth can dictate what a parent can tell their own child? Especially something that could keep that child safe?

      I never give anyone the benefit of the doubt when it comes to the safety and well-being of children or animals. But if she made that story up because she thinks it would keep her son with her, instead of with his father, and thus, keep her son safer….then her lie would be for a good reason. I can’t get inside her head and know why she said that, but maybe it is for her son’s own good.

      That said, your sister has stayed with a child sexual abuser, so I would guess that she is just plain telling a lie. Sorry, but it sounds that way. If she had left her child abuser husband, then I would tend to believe her story.

      The fact that she stayed with him shows her true character. Does she pretend nothing ever happened and still sleep with him? If so, then she is sick and puts children at risk.

      Why wasn’t he put in prison? You said the police were involved.

      What she is doing is common. It sounds as though she does not WANT to know the truth or deal with the truth. It is much more simple to just pretend that nothing happened than to go through confrontations with the abuser, divorce, loss of income, and for her to be alone.

      As I told another person in another post, the innocent children suffer everything so the adults can all be comfortable and free to live their lives as they choose –even if that choice is to stay married to a man who has molested or raped a small child.

      We live in a sick and selfish world –all at the expense of children and animals.

      • Michelle says:

        Your sister could be telling the truth. They really like to manipulate you; CPS and the pedophile. CPS told me what I was to say to my kids and what not to say to my kids on the threat they can take all my kids if I didn’t listen to them. Which is the only threat they have “take your kids away, if you don’t do what I say”. I guess we live in China now. I read there was a study done and 80% of new mothers are scared they will have their kids taken away from them in the delivery hospital by CPS!
        FYI .. it is really hard not to believe a pedophile because they are just like politicians – sometimes I even think they believe their own lies. And remember most have planned out every detail, and even do things that can discredit anothers statement to make themselves look like the victim.

  19. peacesinger says:

    This is a post about the original blog. I think we have to get over this “evil” thing. There’s no doubt that child sexual abuse is terrible. Not only does it rock the world of the child, their family, and their community, but it disrupts the child’s developmental process. There’s a whole heck of a lot of suffering out there.

    The reason I say we need to get over the “evil” thing, though, is that it is a block to resolving a truly difficult societal issue. James Cantor is a wonderful scientist. If you go to his website, he has a new article that lists good reasons to have sympathy for pedophiles. Although there are no studies that clearly identify how prevalent it is, pedophilia or at least some level of it, is likely present in a large segment of society. Dr. Cantor’s research using fMRI has identified specific brain differences in persons who have a sexual interest in children. The evidence is strong that this kind of sexual preference is developed during gestation. That’s right! There is strong evidence that sexual interest in children is preprogrammed from BEFORE BIRTH. IT IS ALREADY PRESENT, WAITING TO BE DISCOVERED AT THE APPROPRIATE POINT IN DEVELOPMENT, IN INNOCENT BABIES.

    Of course, not everyone who is sexually aroused by children ever acts on it. Also, some offend against children for other reasons…

    But people are becoming more and more knowledgeable about these kinds of things daily. There are instruments that can effectively separate out the pedophile who can be treated from those who cannot. There are also great studies that tell us the truth about sexual offending and blow away the spiteful mythology that this blogger has used to attack people who are already in enough pain. If we were truly a compassionate society and IF WE REALLY CARED ABOUT PROTECTING CHILDREN, we would not spend extreme amounts of money judging, plotting against and destroying the lives of sex offenders. (Who the research shows over and over again have very low recidivism rates!) We would support the kind of research that helps us to understand and prevent offending (like what Dr. Cantor does) AND STOP OFFENDING BEFORE IT HAPPENS.

    It can be done. We just have to start believing it rather than believing in the shameful myths perpetrated by whoever it is who wrote the original blog.

    I’m not saying there isn’t evil in the world. I’m keenly aware of the suffering caused by offending. I am simply in favor of using good sense to stop it rather than useless hate.

    • Alethea says:

      Dear Peacesinger,

      The reason my Blog is titled “EVIL Sits at the Dinner Table” is because one of the ways to help victims and survivors of child sexual abuse is to get society to understand that child sexual abusers are most often NOT the ugly stranger on the corner or the toothless neighbor living in a trailer. It is often well-dressed, church-going, upstanding members of the community who are sexually abusing their own kids.

      I have no desire to go read a website citing “good reasons to have sympathy for pedophiles,” especially for pedophiles who have raped and sexually abused countless children. But thanks for sharing.

      Regarding this Dr. Cantor’s research…do you know that child abuse and trauma literally changes chemicals in the brain? So you might want to re-think the notion that a “sexual interest in children” as you call it, is preprogrammed from before birth. Even if it were, it is still a deviancy.

      All pedophiles, with a will to change, can be treated and transformed. However, mainstream psychology and the powers-that-be who run and control information in this world, will never allow that knowledge to the general public.

      “IF WE REALLY CARED ABOUT PROTECTING CHILDREN, we would not spend extreme amounts of money judging, plotting against and destroying the lives of sex offenders. (Who the research shows over and over again have very low recidivism rates!) We would support the kind of research that helps us to understand and prevent offending (like what Dr. Cantor does) AND STOP OFFENDING BEFORE IT HAPPENS.”

      Uh huh. You might want to take a look at the fact that you sound a little like you might be an offender yourself, or have an attraction to children. Sorry, but this is how you comes across. “Destroying the lives of sex offenders.”…interesting comment.

      • peacesinger says:

        Hi, Alethea, Thanks for your reply. I am aware that you have been through a lot. Your life has been very painful because someone crossed some very important boundaries and harmed you greatly. You were violated in ways that others of us can only imagine but never truly understand. I admire your courage in speaking out about it.

        I think that courage and your anger are probably very important to you at this time. You have your right to your opinions. But this is a public blog. And I have a different perspective that I have a right to communicate, too. (And, no, I am not an offender.)

        It seems like you want everyone to be stuck in your pain (and I am truly sorry for your pain). My perspective is that although it is tremendously important for all of us and society to empathize and provide as much support for you as possible, we cannot dwell in your place. Like the person who is hit by a drunk driver and has severe wounds, healing is something that ultimately is your job. Others can only assist. The progress of it is your own choice.

        The point I am trying to make is that there are many different sides to this issue and it goes beyond the pain of the victims. It is an issue that must be dealt with by society as a whole. Society must heal this. That means that we have to look at everyone’s side without judgement (Yes, even the “evil” Dottie.)

        I used to love watching the show, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”, in the ’90′s. Yeah, I loved the snappy dialogue. But there was also occasionally a bit of wisdom. There was a tower at Buffy’s high school. In one scene, she was in the tower with a boy who had a machine gun. He was going to randomly shoot at the students below because he was angry. Buffy didn’t try to kick the gun out of his hand. She merely stood back and pointed out to him that although he had pain, every person down below the tower had pain, too. It would not make him feel better to spread his pain to others by harming the students, their families, their community. He put the gun down.

        No, I am not an offender. I am not a victim, but I have been deeply harmed by sex offense. I have pain. Dottie has pain. I try to point out that it is plausible that she did not know. Trust is the cornerstone of marriage. To think that someone you are married to has pedophilia and is acting on it could feel beyond one’s ability to believe of their own trusted spouse. We all get locked into patterns. Perhaps she was locked into one. Also, it has not been that long that people have been able to speak up about sex offense. 20 or 30 years ago, something like this was just taken care of in the family. It was not prosecuted nearly to the extent it is now. It was rarely talked about. People’s ability to process this kind of change is not always up with the times. Dottie is nearly 70 years old. It is not likely that she is thinking the way you do. Leave her alone with her pain. I guarantee you that she is suffering enough even without your hateful remarks.

        Try this instead. Be willing to look beyond your hate, even just for an instant. Understand that what binds you, and Dottie, and all of us is the pain of betrayal and violation. Just for a second, close your eyes and ask for healing for all of us. That might do more to make you feel better than spreading your hate to others. Put down your gun.

        I wish you well.

        • Alethea says:

          “Peacesinger,”

          Yes, I do have a right to my opinion, and this Blog is not only a public Blog, it is MY Blog and it is a place for victims and survivors to feel validated and for them to know they are not alone. It is a place to bring public awareness as well. But if you are going to come here and ask people to have compassion for child sexual abusers, then you need to be prepared to be called on your shit. If you can dish it out, you need to be able to take it.

          You have placed several personal conclusions on me. Many of my articles direct the reader to the fact that I am a well-healing person who has forgiven her abusers, and who is leading a beautiful life in many ways. I do still have a few lingering physical symptoms from the incest and from the death threats etc. but I am healing those in therapy and one day, I will be free of everything.

          Contrary to your opinion, I am not “stuck” in pain. You have confused my drive to speak the truth, call things and people what and who they are…..with being stuck in pain. Do you know that I receive many personal emails from people who thank me for my blog and for speaking the truth, and for being so open and honest about uncomfortable subjects? Do you know how many people have asked me for help in private emails, and how many have found validation and support from me speaking truthfully about what happened to me? Those emails are why I do this Blog. I do it to help, enlighten and to put my grain of sand out in the world.

          Expressing truth is not synonymous with hate. I do not hate anyone. I do hate the acts perpetrated on children and have righteous anger towards abusers and those who guard them with their denial system, but please do not tell me I have hatred. You do not know my heart.

          “That means that we have to look at everyone’s side without judgement (Yes, even the “evil” Dottie.)”

          Human beings were given the ability to judge right from wrong, and to utilize that judgement to discern, act, and stop injustice. You and people like you, who throw the words around “don’t judge” tell me they have some pretty serious demons they are guilty of and think they are okay to continue doing them.

          You need to understand that “the self” IS evil. If Dottie turned a blind eye, ignored her instincts, or willfully facilitated the rapes out of selfish gains, that is the definition of evil.

          I repeat, “the human self” is evil. Christianity (true Christianity, the kind that Jesus taught) and Buddism teaches this truth. If you call yourself Christian or Buddhist, then you ought to know this. If you are a “new-age” minded person, then I don’t have much to say to you because the new-age philosophy is often, “we are all fine in everything we do, and we are all going to Heaven when we die.”

          • peacesinger says:

            First of all, Alethea, thank you for all you have done for those who read your blog who have been harmed by sexual abuse. I truly commend you for your courage in validating others. You are right. This is important work.

            In the language I speak about it, I would call the “human self” the “ego”, which is not exactly how Freud would have defined it. The “ego/human self” refers to the part of us that has forgotten that we are connected to God. In that feeling of separation from God, there is deep pain and suffering. Child abuse causes deep pain and suffering, which I, too, have felt for association with such a case (remember, I am not an offender). I was so devastated that I spent a week in a psychiatric hospital. I could not function.

            You do have to go through your healing in your own way. I am glad that you are working out your traumas and can share that with others.

            The compassion I am speaking about is when we can remember that we are all connected to God, and that means child abusers, too. When we open to compassion, we can start to see the pain and disconnection that leads to such horrendous acts. I am not saying that any such act should ever be condoned, and certainly there should be severe consequences for anyone who chooses to act in this way. But I am also saying that those acts would only be performed by someone who is disconnected from God–as you would say in their “human self”–and deserve our compassion, which is the reconnection of spirit. They can choose to accept it or not.

            Of course, people who act out must be held accountable. And that accountability can contribute to your healing. I’m sure for many the lack of that accountability from the offender is an open wound. I am realizing now that many are not ready to hear what I am saying, but that’s OK. It is all within our own time.

            There’s a book I really like called, “Forgiveness and Child Abuse: Would you forgive?” by Lois Einhorn, Ph.D. Different writers contributed their reactions to the author’s story of her own severe abuse. There are many different reactions, of course. One thing that struck a chord with me was written by, Laura Davis, the author of “The Courage to Heal”–a book that has been instrumental in helping many to face the turmoil of having been sexually abused.

            I am so glad that this discussion has reminded me of this passage because, although I was impressed by what she wrote before, I didn’t really understand it until now. She said that anger is a powerful ally in healing and it is needed to motivate you to move forward, instead of feeling “stuck”. (Sorry if I said you were “stuck in your pain”. I don’t recall saying that, but if I did, I’m sorry. That is not my opinion of you.)

            Anyway, Laura talks about healing through her anger. It took twenty years but she describes forgiveness as an unfoldment and a letting go. She said, “Like a bud opening into the sunlight, something in my heart shifted and I forgave him. And it felt good. In fact, it felt wonderful.”

            I pray for this for all of us. Hopefully, not 20 years…but in our own time.

            You see, I am realizing that I commented on your blog because I am angry, too. If you haven’t guessed, I am the wife of a child molester and your comments about the Healing Wives writings and about Dottie Sandusky really pissed me off.

            I had no idea that my husband had a sexual interest in children. I knew nothing about it. I didn’t know anything about it until he was already in jail. I was completely blindsided. One morning I went to work happily married to a wonderful man and by the time I got home that evening he had been branded a pedophile and I was completely broken. My family is destroyed, and I feel like I am now the one who must live a secret life. I have to lie about what happened because the judgment of people is harsh. They want to psychoanalyze you according to their own preconceived, prejudiced and ignorant notions of what this crime is. I was shocked at how people made up stupid stories and used them against me to try to make me feel guilty for what my husband and my husband alone, did.

            People make assumptions that you knew something and are guilty simply by association. Even some so-called “experts” say “the wife always knows”. Crap! Its not true. You have to take each case on an individual basis. Perhaps some did know but I can tell you from painful experience that that goofball psychologist in Psychology Today is an unethical fraud.

            I, too, have spent thousands of dollars on therapy. I walk on eggshells at work and church for fear that someone will find out. Everyone else talks about their lives. I used to be one of them. Now I say nothing. I had to change jobs so that I could protect myself from people’s questions. Now my co-workers just think I am stuck-up, which is preferable to them knowing the truth.

            Yeah, this whole thing sucks–for everyone. It sucks for you and it sucks for me. And are we in the same boat? I say, “Yes”, because we are all healing and we all want this horrid thing called child sexual abuse to end.

            So, you’ve heard from my perspective in previous posts what I think it would take to start to mend this tear in the fabric of society. If any of you have other ideas, I would love to hear them. Lawmakers use us and will continue to use us for their own benefit. This has to be a grassroots effort. I would like to know from your perspective what you think might be done to mend this. All answer are accepted without judgment. Thanks.

            • Alethea says:

              Peacesinger,

              “The “ego/human self” refers to the part of us that has forgotten that we are connected to God.”

              Here, we finally agree.

              “The compassion I am speaking about is when we can remember that we are all connected to God, and that means child abusers, too.”

              We are all connected to God in that we have God inside of us, and could not move or breathe without that life/light inside of us. However, God’s love is like the sun. He/She shines for everyone, and when a person sexually abuses a child, they pull the shade down and block out God’s love from their lives. Jesus said that ‘whoever harms the little ones, it would be better for him if a millstone where tied around his neck and he were drowned in the depths of the ocean.’

              As I said, I have compassion for the SOUL of the person, because that soul lives in darkness. But that compassion is not synonymous with “It’s okay what you did because you are suffering inside and I have compassion for the predicament you are in.”

              You are correct in saying that victims who have received truth and a sincere contrition from the offender can heal much faster. I have said this on many occasions on my Blog, but like I also said, the vast majority of those who sexually abuse, rape, torture, kidnap, and threaten children with death do not ever admit to what they have done, and do not ever offer an apology for their crimes, and do not ever offer any compensation to the victim in any way. Most perpetrators actually blame the child! So you cannot ask any victim of child sexual abuse, rape, torture, and endless psychological abuse to have compassion for a perpetrator like that. You cannot ask it, and you have no right to do so.

              In addition, some people do choose to forgive their abusers in spite of a lack of remorse or confession. But anyone who does this, without deep hypno-analysis therapy, will most likely develop cancer, heart problems, or other illnesses later in life. The subconscious mind does not forgive like the conscious mind can.

              “Sorry if I said you were “stuck in your pain”. I don’t recall saying that, but if I did, I’m sorry. That is not my opinion of you.”

              You did say it to me, or to child abuse survivors in general, but it read as being directed to me.

              Forgiveness can only come in its purest form, after all the shame, guilt, suffering, rage, and issues of betrayal are FULLY addressed at the conscious and subconscious level. This can take decades. What you are doing in your comments is placing very superficial ideas and catch phrases onto the very complicated and serious dynamics of child sexual abuse –especially incest. I have written an entire chapter in one of my soon to be published manuscripts about forgiveness, REAL forgiveness. The subject of forgiveness is too vast and complicated for someone to merely try and shove, or even nudge it at someone.

              “You see, I am realizing that I commented on your blog because I am angry, too. If you haven’t guessed, I am the wife of a child molester and your comments about the Healing Wives writings and about Dottie Sandusky really pissed me off.”

              Ah, there it is! I was waiting for you to explain why you are commenting here. Now that you have been honest with us here, we can have more important dialogue. Frankly, I don’t care if what I said pissed you off. The truth is the truth, regardless of your feelings about it. If your conscience has something on it that is causing your anger to be directed at me, instead of yourself, then you will have to deal with that in your own time. If your conscience is clean, then what are you angry with me about?

              “You have to take each case on an individual basis.”

              That’s right. I have always said on this Blog that some women don’t know. But each case is unique, and the Sandusky case is what I was referring to, not yours.

              Please stop saying you are in the same boat with those of us who have endured the most heinous of all crimes on earth –even worse than murder in my mind because sufferers of child sexual abuse usually serve a lifetime sentence of tremendous turmoil, mental and physical suffering, and many want to kill themselves just about every day. Many DO kill themselves and most wish they were dead.

              I don’t know for certain what you want me to say about trying to lessen child sexual abuse, but you should be aware that one of the ways I believe it can be lessened is if there were laws that enable the prosecution of men and women who know about child sexual abuse and do nothing to stop it. That is actually something that I have pursued in legislature, and was willing to testify before congress. So know that I am very serious about this point.

              I have compassion for your situation, I do. As it stands, I have no reason to think that you ignored a gut instinct about your husband or outright ignored warning signs….I don’t know you, so I have no idea what your story is. So as it stands, I am very sorry for your situation. I have compassion for you, because, to my knowledge, you are also a victim. But just remember that your suffering is nothing compared to the victims of child sexual abuse.

              And I do not “judge” you, but I have a God-given and United States constitutional right, and the right as a previous victim, to “judge” Dottie Sandusky’s case.

              • Alethea says:

                Another thing Peacesinger,

                There are some people who are so connected to Satan that they are no longer connected to God. There are Satanists and child sexual abusers who are among the highest ranks of U.S. and world Government. I do not have compassion for them, except that when their soul sees hell, they will be suffering beyond our imagination.

                I also have ZERO compassion for people who torture and mutilate animals in laboratories.

            • J9 says:

              Peacesinger you can’t sing peace because you are living a lie.

        • J9 says:

          @peacesinger
          “Like the person who is hit by a drunk driver and has severe wounds, healing is something that ultimately is your job. Others can only assist. The progress of it is your own choice”

          My son was 11 when he was hit by a drunk driver. Please clarify to me as his mother how it was the responsibility of an 11 year to understand that concept, and with a TBI to boot. You judging all over the place here and calling out everyone else for it.

          • Anonymous says:

            J9, no one heals anyone else. You cannot be responsible for the healing of your son. You can give him all your love and find him the best rehab possible. That is your responsibility as a loving parent, but, ultimately, healing comes only from the inner wisdom of the person who is healing. The same is true for your daughters and your ex. Each has their journey, their process. The same is true for you. It sounds to me like you have had far more than your fair share of trauma and sorrow. I can’t imagine how overburdened you must feel. One of the hardest things to do when you are so deeply overwhelmed is to count your blessings, but try to come up with a new one everyday. After a while, you will have quite a list and begin to see things a little differently. Even if you don’t end up with a list, one blessing can be enough to give you the strength to go on. I will be praying for you. Much love.

            • J9 says:

              I disagree, healing comes through God, not through man’s wisdom. You are offering sop to people who are suffering. In the name of God please stop.

              • Alethea says:

                That’s right J9, God is the only true healing power there is. God heals, and God is within each person, but wisdom only *comes from God,* it is not God him/herself. True wisdom is Divine knowledge from within, and a person can USE their wisdom to seek true healing and to know it when they find it, but wisdom itself does not heal. I would not put too much effort into dealing with someone (anonymous) who replies to you with “much love” when they do not even know you.

          • Alethea says:

            J9, Contrary to what Peace singer thinks, the progress of healing is not a “choice.” It depends on the person’s level/age/length/degree of trauma and emotional pain. It depends on the help they receive. Some therapists are a bunch of wackos, some psychiatrists and psychologists make people worse with destructive therapies and with drugs. Some people don’t have money for therapy at all and they suffer tremendously. The evolution of the soul also has to do with healing, and the subconscious mind also plays a huge role.

            Be careful J9, because Peace Singer, whom I suspect wrote the anonymous reply to you, can put forth so-called loving words of wisdom, like in the message above, and then lay dog shit on your doorstep with personal insults and ugly comments.

            I hope your son is doing well now.

            Alethea

        • me says:

          I don’t mince words. So when you say she is spreading hate, you are serving no purpose than to blame the victim. This is anything but hate. Speaking out serves to help others. The fact that you can’t distinguish the difference is frightening. What binds any victim is pain…caused by someone who abused them. Stop spreading your pedophile loving rhetoric.

  20. PM Stefan says:

    I am a survivor of sexual, physical, emotional, and mental abuse and torture by my father. I saw abusive acts perpetrated on others that were so heinous I cannot easily talk about them. He was a pedophile and a serial killer.

    I married a man who later disclosed he had molested his sister and his niece (sister’s daughter). After his disclosure, he both justified and minimized the abuse. At the time, I had started to remember my father’s abuse and had severe PTSD and was dissociative.

    My husband is a Situational Child Molester type.

    Sandusky is a Preferential Child Molester type.

    His niece and my mother-in-law confronted my husband.

    My husband is also an abuser, mental and emotional.

    I know why I stayed married to my husband, Stockholm Syndrome coupled with my extreme PTSD and severe dissociation from my own abuse.

    • Jenny Turner says:

      When you get ready to leave and begin healing contact me via this post and I will give you further information. I am administrator of a transitional house for women in your situation called MOSAS (mother’s of sex abuse survivors). You can have a good life! Just step out in faith.

      • PM Stefan says:

        Thank you for your support.

        More to my story.

        My husband has expertise with firearms and that is one reason I have not stayed away permanently, I left or kicked him out 3 times, one time for 2.5 years while I forced him to attend an abusers group. I have since discovered he learned nothing, this according to my therapist.

        He is one scary SOB. He stalked his ex-wife and her husband with a loaded weapon and bragged about it.

    • Alethea says:

      My father was a situational abuser too. Did you know your husband was sexually abusing children while you were living with him as your husband?

      • PM Stefan says:

        My husband did it before I ever met him. His divorce (victim of circumstance) placed him in a situation with his niece. That was the year before I met and married him. I do not believe he has abused children while we have been married. Since pedophiles are liars and abusers are liars, it is difficult to know whether my husband has told me the truth about what occurred and when and how and for how long and how many times.

        I know my niece was in trouble after the incident[s?], because she became promiscuous and an alcoholic and drug addict before she was an adult. Her drug addiction nearly killed her.

        However, I fear that if we were to separate permanently he would then be in the situation to abuse children.

        My concern is focused on our two granddaughters. I partially remedied this situation by informing our son about his father. Even though I just disclosed this, I will still keep a vigilant eye on my husband as I have done since I learned about his pedophilia.

        • anonymous says:

          You are not your husband’s keeper. You are protecting him and making excuses for his sickness. If you want to protect innocent victims then you need to shift your focus from him to the ones who really were innocent. It’s no wonder that the neice became a drug addict. I understand what it’s like to hold on to an abuser because of “love” or because you fear what life will be like without them. But there comes a time when you have got to let that go or accept the fact that you are guilty by association. You aren’t your husband’s saviour.

          • PM Stefan says:

            Huh? Guilty by association? Wow.

            You do not know me and my situation.

            I respectfully decline to respond to your accusations any further.

            • anonymous says:

              I said what I did out of experience. I stayed with a pedophile for too long out of fear of being alone. It was not meant as condemnation only as a call to wake up and realize that you deserve so much more than that. My staying with him almost destroyed my family and my relationship with the victim. Without God’s devine intervention and the offenders complete surrender they will never change. Please forgive me if my wording was harsh. It certainly was not intended to place further burdens on you.

              • Alethea says:

                Anonymous, Thanks for your honesty. If you don’t mind, I have always wondered something about women who stay with child sexual abusers….how can you have sex with someone who has sex with children? I ask in all sincerity. I truly want to know the answer. I am not asking in judgement.

              • anonymous says:

                I think that I just blocked it out. I was so afraid of being alone and unloved that I refused to let my mind go there. After I left and was free from his influence I hit rock bottom. Not only was I alone but I had to deal with the guilt of what I had done. I did not honor his victims nor did I acknowledge his guilt until I left. Of everything I have ever done in my life that is the thing that I regret the most. But somewhere there is a woman who stays and hates herself for it and I choose to believe that oneday I will be able to help her walk away. There is a forgiving God who understands our frailties as humans and I trust that He has forgiven what I struggle to forgive myself for.

              • Alethea says:

                Thank you for your honesty anonymous. It takes a lot of strength to admit those things. One thing is for sure…God is love, beauty, peace, and forgiveness. You are already forgiven, as God forgives us the very moment we transgress, or even before we already have. But we do all have to deal with the cause and effect, reaction/reaction of our lack of love, lack of consciousness, etc. We all do. Regardless of religion, the law of cause and effect exists and cannot be avoided by anyone. That includes me and every human on this planet. We have all fucked up at one time or another.

              • PM Stefan says:

                “I said what I did out of experience.”

                Remember, your experience is not my experience. Therefore, you cannot know what I should or should not do in my situation.

                I have awakened to a rude awakening. Absolutely no support system beyond my therapist and a very wounded, fellow traveler in another state.

                I agree with your statement about God’s divine intervention and the offenders complete surrender. However, in my situation divine intervention would not work unless God can rid a person of a personality disorder. Unless a personality disorder is dealt with at its onset, in the early twenties, no intervention will change it. Personality disorders worsen over time. I only know one person who healed from a personality disorder because he discovered it in his early twenties when it was starting to solidify in his thinking process.

                Believe me, I am not waiting for divine intervention from God. The days are numbered in my marriage. I have planned for the future and know how I will be free of this dis-eased marriage.

        • Alethea says:

          PM, Did you know about him sexually abusing his niece before you married him, or did you learn of it afterwards? I am not asking in judgement of you. I am truly interested in this kind of dynamic. I want to know why so that I can be an informed person. The fact that you told your son (and I hope anyone else in the family with kids, or who might one day have kids) is commendable. And I hope to God that you don’t ever allow him alone with any child.

          • PM Stefan says:

            Hi Alethea and Anonymous,
            I did not know my husband was a pedophile before marrying him. He revealed it after we were married and only when I started to work on my abuse issues.

            The dynamic is this: Essentially, I married “my father.” I was drawn to my husband as dog is drawn to vomit. Icky. At the time though, I did not know I was drawn to my husband because I was marrying “my father.” It was a match made in hell. The hell my father put me through years ago when I was 3 through 14. Yet I did not know any of this when I met my husband-to-be.

            “History does not repeat itself; people do.” Voltaire

            I married a pedophile who is also an emotional and verbal abuser and who has a personality disorder.
            My father was a pedophile, an abuser, and a serial killer. It is a given he had two personality disorders, sociopath and narcissist.

            My mother had an affair with my father, a sociopath. Her brother was a sociopath. The “sickness” to repeat what we live with happens again and again.

            I started to remember my abuse two and half years into the marriage. After my husband told me about how he abused his niece, I pretty much lost interest in him sexually and added to that I started to remember my own abuse.

            I could not even think of leaving my husband at the time because I had opened the lid on my past and could no longer shut it down. It left me quite vulnerable and my therapist at the time told me to keep going with my memories. Two different therapists told my husband to back off with his demands for sex. Instead, my husband went into full abuse mode demanding sex or he would leave or ask for a divorce. I told him to go ahead and do it. He did not as he was too insecure.

            Also sex with him was odd. I cannot put my finger on it. Just saying it was odd. And he would say strange things and get this strange look on his face afterward. I now know what the strange look was. The same look my father got before and after a kill. ENTITLEMENT or I own you now.

            After rereading Lundy Bancroft’s book, Why Does He Do That?, Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, I learned my husband’s entitlement, power, control, and other behaviors increase or even double because he is both a pedophile and an abuser. Only now after rereading the book, I understand my husband’s warped need for sex and how he’s attached entitlement to that. In Lundy’s book, he says that if the abuser has a personality disorder it means they are less likely to stop abusing. Well, add to that his pedophilia and it definitely means he cannot heal from both the pedophilia and the abusing.

            I told many therapists that I believed my husband had a sexual addiction. I was flat out turned down and told my husband was normal. Of course, none of them knew my husband was a pedophile so they did not accept my hunches that something was amiss.

            Recently, I started to question how the abuse happened as well. Since all pedophiles lie and abusers lie, it is doubtful that my husband told me the truth. I cannot imagine a 12-year-old, almost 13-year-old, girl sitting on her uncle’s lap. It does not jive with me. Something is terribly amiss with my husband’s retelling of the story.

            Where I stand right now is in limbo. I have no support system other than my therapist and a long distance friend who has a multitude of her own problems. I still continue to remember what my father did and that is where my focus lies for now. My FOO is quite dysfunctional even after my Narcissist mother died almost two years ago. There has never been nor will there ever be any support from them.

            I know this marriage is a dead-end street.

            Anonymous, you are forgiven.

            • Alethea says:

              PM, I am not “judging” YOU in particular, but merely stating a fact: If a person learns their spouse is a child molester, I hope they do everything in their power (read: no sex, or strong birth control) to stop themselves from getting pregnant.

              I don’t judge YOU or your situation, but I will use my God-given intelligence and God-given right to say that no child asks to be born into a situation where their father is a child molester. Children have no choice, and a woman’s choice ends when she chooses to have sex, or chooses not to use a powerful form of birth control.

              • PM Stefan says:

                IF A PERSON LEARNS… that’s a big if and the other big if with that is WHAT IF that wife is being raped or forced into pregnancy. Are they responsible then? Absolutely not.

                That is great too if the mother knows her husband is a child molester BEFORE she gets pregnant.

                Did my mother know my father was a pedophile, an abuser, and a serial killer when she met him? Doubtful. Sociopaths are devious liars and hide their lives behind a mask which looks normal for society. She knew later though and “sold” me to my father do with as he pleased.

                I never brought any children into this world who lived beyond being murdered by my father and his boyfriend. My child had no choice and I had no choice. I did not choose to become pregnant by my father’s boyfriend. How can a twelve-year-old child possibly choose to be pregnant or not be pregnant?

                Should I have discerned that my father’s boyfriend was going to rape me, and that I would get pregnant and my father and his boyfriend would murder my baby?

                That is one heavy guilt trip I am unwilling to take on for anyone. Not even God has asked me to do that.

                Thankfully, birth control was never an issue in my marriage due to the damage done to me by my abuse and other reasons.

              • Alethea says:

                This is all new information PM. To my knowledge, you have not given us these facts about what happened to you when you were 12, so don’t expect me to have been able to know this. My comments were about any ADULT woman, who knows she is married to a child sexual abuser, and who still chooses to put herself in a situation where she can get pregnant.

  21. Anonymous says:

    My oldest sister chose to stay married to a disgusting child molester after finding out what he did to family members as well as others. She claims she made the decision to stay with him, even though he plea bargined and took two years jail time, because she wanted to keep her family together! I believe their own two daughters have been violated by this … creep, but they have denied that. They even take the grandchildren over to visit and, so I’ve heard, will leave them in the house with the pervert.

    It’s been over ten years since all this came out, and I as well as other family members have chosen not to have contact with my sister or her immediate family. We are criticized by others who say we are “unforgiving,” including my mother. I personally feel that my sister’s choosing to stay with that perv is more harmful than what the creep did. She has violated the victims on levels that are hard to explain, and even her own daughters have no where to turn for help and support. They all live a BIG, BIG lie!

    I have searched and searched for information on this situation, something to validate my feelings and my decision to cut all contact with them. Where can I find expert opinion that discusses why my sister is sick for even wanting to stay with a pedophile?

    Thank you for your help!

    • Alethea says:

      “I personally feel that my sister’s choosing to stay with that perv is more harmful than what the creep did.”

      Anonymous, you are right on! I think that those who realize this are very honest with themselves and do a great service by voicing this.

      In my opinion, you don’t have to have any validation for cutting off contact with someone who stays with a child sexual abuser, or for refusing to ignore what he did.

      It is not a “lack of forgiveness.” Forgiveness is not synonymous with ‘ignore what he did, and put other kids in danger too.’ That “forgiveness” crap is such B.S. Forgiveness is a total release of self. To forgive someone means to be completely removed from yourSELF. What they are doing is so selfish and self-protecting. They are protecting themselves in some way by ignoring what he did. There is a self-serving reason behind their decision.

      There are many reasons why women stay with child sexual abusers. Sometimes the woman loves the man more than her children. Most of the time it is financial gain –she will lose his paychecks. Sometimes she doesn’t want to have sex anymore and her children take the load off her sexually. Sometimes these women will do anything to please a man. Sometimes it is a sick and twisted idea of what religion has taught them about “supporting their man no matter what.” Bottom line, is that you can bet your life it is a self-serving reason that she stays with him. Some people argue that these women are too weak to leave these men, but for every weak person, their is a strong side to them. She ignores her strong side for self-gain.

  22. littleleers says:

    I have a unique situation. It happened long ago, but my brother-in-law (my husband’s sister’s husband) and uncle, molested our daughter. She was only 2 1/2 or 3 at the time. There were several incidents in their home.

    I found out when our daughter told us about her “dream” when she was 12 yrs old. I questioned her over and over and of course I believed her.

    I wrote a letter to my sister-in-law as we had a very close relationship to be the one to tell her first that her husband was a pedophile. Interestingly enough, my sister-in-law knew about her husband’s family and that incest, abuse, and a domineering father were daily fare in his parental home. On the outside, her husband’s family, appeared to be the “perfect” family with four kids who were outstanding students and athletes. The one daughter (his sister) was sexually abused by her father from age 8 to about age 17 or so.

    Our state’s child protective services was notified at the time of my discovery and so was the Victim’s Unit/Police and my brother-in-law (our daughter’s uncle) was required to see a shrink and was sentenced to two months of work release jail. He had and still has a very responsible civil engineering job and was allowed to work and then spend nights and weekends in jail.

    It has now been 18 yrs since that life changing revelation. Our daughter is doing fine, has a responsible job and is married, though I still “see” the emotional scars that are there!

    At the time that the abuse was discovered and reported, our daughter’s uncle was ordered out of their family home. He and my SIL have a son…he was eight years old at the time.

    The husband pervert continued to make very large monthly support payments to his wife. My SIL did not work and had not worked for a long time. They remained “married”, though they lived separately and my SIL acknowledged how evil her husband was.

    However, their son, now 29, and still living at home, and she has an at home job with good salary. She is STILL married to the pedophile, though they live separately and do not socialize. They only discuss finances and such. She says that “God” will tell her the right time to divorce him. She talks about divorce, but has never made that move.

    She still carries his last name. She never changed it. I had to write a check out to her the other day and had to write that “evil” last name on the check. I was surprised by the feelings that simple task brought to the surface. I felt very angry towards her at that moment.

    What do you think? I do not associate with this SIL any longer. I was VERY supportive of her after the revelation and felt very sorry for her and my nephew. We stayed close for a few years. I stopped though when I realized she really relished and preferred to “milk” the victim status. She empathized with our daughter and was kind towards her. However, after all this time, if in a lengthy conversation with her (I have avoided that the past 10 years), she will go on and on about her father, about her sister, about “him”, etc. On, and on, and while she has gained some financial independence she still prefers to be linked to “him”.

    It has been 18 yrs now and she sees no need to divorce “him” and to drop the evil last name. Again, she does not live with him or socialize with him, but refuses divorce. What is wrong with her?

    I believe though she is making money now, she wants to keep getting money from him as he keeps sending her substantial support. He has never been required to do that, but has chosen to. I have never understood that, especially after their son graduated high school. The Perv has not seen his own son in 19 yrs now!

    Very unusual situation. What do you folks think of a woman who, does not live with the pedophile, but continues to stay married, to accept his money, and to carry “that” last name. Oh, she is very very intelligent but is very “holier-than-thou” in that she blames her father, this person and that person for all sorts of problems in her past. That, and she cannot stop talking about “him” and how awful he is and what he has been up to lately yada yada. It appears she relishes in talking about being “the victim”. She apparently doesn’t think much about our daughter since she carries that vile last name.

    • Alethea says:

      Dear Littleleers,

      It is impossible to know why people do things without going deep inside their psyche, but there could be several reasons she stays with him:

      Religious beliefs against divorce
      Religious beliefs that (wrongly) tell her she ought to ‘forgive and forget.’ Forgive yes, ignore NO.
      She might have some financial/insurance/tax reasons to stay married to him.
      She might have a problem with attachment. Maybe she loves him still and does not want to break that final bond.
      She might enjoy being a “victim.”

      She won’t acknowledge your daughter and prefers to talk about herself, family, and “him” because that is what is comfortable for her. She is probably deeply ashamed and troubled by what he did, and any role she may have had in that, but if she speaks about your daughter then she will have to uproot old wounds and shame that she does not want to feel. It is easier for her to ignore your daughter because she can then ignore the incest and any part she may have played.

      It would be nice if she would send your daughter that money that he sends her, so that your daughter can have some therapy for any remaining issues that she has to deal with, but sadly, human beings are not so giving and loving. I doubt she would ever even think of doing that for your daughter. It’s not your place to ask, but wouldn’t it be nice if she thought it up on her own?!

      Bottom line, she sounds like she is self-absorbed and cares about the extra buck she can get from the perpetrator.

      • PM Stefan says:

        “She might enjoy being a ‘victim.’”

        I am sorry, contrary to belief, no one ENJOYS being a victim.

        Crap happens.

        We do not know the reason people do what they do. We do not know their situation.

        And until we can walk a mile in THEIR shoes, we should leave the judging to God or a higher power.

        To say those words I quoted above is as if we have now stepped into the shoes of an abuser. We are shooting our wounded.

        I know, I have been shot to bits by well-meaning people who believe they know what I am experiencing in my own marriage.

        I remember one such woman who was being abused by her husband. She assumed my husband was a sweetheart because his public face was so nice and perfect and loving and… barf. I told her she does not know what my real life is like so she better not judge how wonderful my life is with my husband. She was shocked by my reply to her assumptions.

        Often what we see on the outside of a family is not the truth of what goes on within a family. The neat mowed lawns. The tidy yards. The perfectly kept houses. Looking into the lives of people requires more than our eyes.

        Unless this person is a masochist, she does not enjoy being a victim.

        • Alethea says:

          You are incorrect PM. Some people do enjoy being a victim when it means they get to blame everyone else for their problems, or when they have people saying to them, “Oh, it’s okay, you are a good person. Oh poor thing.” etc. It’s called secondary gains. People continue on in their crap when they have a secondary gain to do so.

          As far as “don’t judge” goes…when it comes to the safety and well-being of children, human beings have been presented with the God-given intelligence to discern right from wrong.

          “Don’t judge” usually means, “I fucked up and I am still beating myself up for it.” or “I fucked up, but I think I did the best I could, so I don’t want to be reminded that I actually really made a terrible choice.”

          • PM Stefan says:

            For me, do not Judge means I am not God and therefore I have no right to judge another’s situation and condemn them. For me, God is the only one who hands out judgments.

            The Bible’s interpretation of the word judge means to condemn. It means to render a sentence against someone as if you are God.

            Discernment means to separate the good from the bad. To discern carries no desire to see someone “get what is coming to them.” True discernment does not condemn at all. True discernment carries no blinders. It sees evil. And it confesses what it sees IF the love of God dictates it. THIS REQUIRES DISCERNING TOO.

            “But strong meat belongs to them that are full of age, even those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern both good and evil.” Hebrews 5:14

            It is a mark of Christian maturity to discern the difference between good and evil. It is a greater mark of maturity, that having discerned that difference, to be able to stand in the love of God regarding it. God wants us to discern. But He tells us we must not condemn.

            AND IT CONFESSES WHAT IT SEES IF THE LOVE OF GOD DICTATES IT. That means we do not shove our discernment in someone’s face unless God dictates it or tells us to do it and then it is done in Love.

            • Alethea says:

              As I said earlier PM, but maybe you have trouble reading…..I am NOT judging YOU. Stop taking it so personally. But every human being has the right to express truths about the protection and rights of children and the unborn. If you are taking those statement personally, then that is something you have to deal with inside yourself.

              You need to figure out on your own what the difference is between judging an anonymous person in a comment section, and someone speaking up for innocent children.

          • peacesinger says:

            Alethea,

            You need to ask yourself who you are talking about. Who enjoys being a victim? Is it you? Your original blog is not discernment. It is extreme judgment and an attack against people who are trying to make sense out of difficult situations. Unfortunately, you are stuck seeing things through the distorted lens of a child. Your attack against “Healing Wives” is only about your own pain, not about helping others or making an attempt to see things from the perspective of others. That is why you wrote this childish blog.

            You are not an expert on the topic of what it is to be the wife of someone who has abused. You don’t know anything about it. In fact, your only perspective is pure judgment against others based on your own narrow experience.

            The purpose of you writing this blog is not to help others, although some people are helped by relating to some of the things you say. The purpose is to set yourself up as an “expert” who has the right to write abusive things about the pain experienced by others (your original blog). Isn’t that using your victimhood to do harm to others? Isn’t that abuse? Do you like misusing your identification as a victim? Does it make you feel powerful? Do you enjoy it? Sure looks like secondary gain to me.

            I would suggest you read through these comments and take a long, hard look at yourself and what you are doing? You are right that the concern should be the protection of children, however, your writings are only about your anger that your mother did not protect you.

            Pardon me, but I think you are stuck in your crap.

            • PM Stefan says:

              I agree 100% peacesinger.

              I have decided to no longer participate here because of my discernment in this regard.

              Too much judging what mothers did or did not do to prevent something from happening.

              I hear your anger, Alethea. I hear your anger at your mother as you aim it at every mother everywhere for what they have failed to do and/or what you have perceived them to fail to do. Not every situation is the same one you experienced in your home.

              Yes, some people receive benefits from being the victim. I know I live with one of those types of people and it stems from his childhood where he was abandoned at seven-years-old by both of his parents. He gets attention and strokes for being a victim. That comes from years of being neglected and abandoned as a child. He is the walking wounded too. And he is the pedophile and the abuser. I see both sides of the coin.

              Take a step back and look at the hatred you are spewing forth.

              • Alethea says:

                ..and be careful who you buddy up with PM. When Peacesinger first posted here, (he/she) said we need to have compassion for child sexual abusers.

            • Alethea says:

              Peacesinger, wtf are you hanging around here for? That’s my question to you. People who like to be a victim hang around a Blog where there is no welcome mat for them, where their stance is quite contrary to the Blog and 90% of the readers, and where their continued posting is an annoyance and an attempt to gain sympathy.

              Go start your own Blog.

              I have no need to try and convince you of anything, or to address your comments because I know who I am and what my Blog is doing for others.

            • J9 says:

              I remember seeing the mofo that used to like to fuck me at the age of 4,5, 6 whenever his 18 year old cock got the chance to when I was in 8th grade and that filthy pig smirked at me. The reason that so many little girls like me who are so beautiful and intelligent and talented get all fucked up is because nobody ever wants to cause those mofos any pain and embarrassment and because nobody has the guts. I say we make a pact to yell it from the rooftops every time we encounter one of that species and lets rid our planet of them once and for all.

  23. Jenny says:

    I was married to a man who sexually abused my daughter (his step-daughter). Everybody liked him. Everybody said he was “a good man”, but he walked across the hall every morning for three months and forced my daughter to have sex with him all the while telling her that if she told anyone that she would ruin our family. All this man cared about and cares about still is sex. He’s selfish, self-centered and unfeeling. He blamed my daughter, saying that she was “promiscuous” and he wasn’t her first (cause you know that makes it better). These men don’t change! And it saddens me that women don’t have enough self-respect, not to mention love for their children, to give these men what they deserve…a lifetime of being alone and branded as a pervert!

  24. eugenicist says:

    Sad and infuriating. Agreed: these women should be in prison.

    • little nel says:

      I have known two women who were married to pedophiles that were given assurances that those men were cured because they had therapy with a professional who knew how to cure them.

      They had written and oral assurances from “doctors” and experts to prove it. Their men were given freedom and legal forgiveness for successful treatments and completion of “testing” for fitness in society.

      Those women were staff members of the therapists who treated those men and met them while they were in treatment and being divorced for sexually abusing their step-daughters.

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