My Warrior-Self Has Emerged

Some of my regular readers may have noticed that I recently removed the header image that was on my Blog for the past two years. There is a beautiful reason for this.

This past Friday I was walking in the woods, enjoying the quiet solitude of nature. Some of my best ideas and decisive moments have come while being alone in nature.

As I was experiencing the moment, instead of allowing noisy thoughts to interfere with my day, I suddenly saw the image I am referring to, and saw my Blog in my mind. I then realized that seeing that image nearly every day, was deeply connected to the therapy work I have been doing for the past two years.

When I first posted the image as my Blog header, it was consciously intended to evoke others to want to fight against child abuse in the world, and in themselves.

help-me-image.jpg

After some time, the image became purely subliminal for me –a constant subconscious reminder of being silenced, unheard -and certainly not helped- by anyone in my biological family, even though I cried out for help many times.

Unbeknownst to me, I had subconsciously chosen this image to put myself in touch with the area of therapy work that was so critical and unhealed.

The removal of this image from my Blog is symbolic of the lingering trauma which haunted my mind and life these past two years.

People think serious trauma, head injuries, and death threats just ‘fly out the window’ of the mind of the child. They think if the child looks fine, and behaves as if nothing has happened, then they are not affected by trauma and repeated abuse. In addition, many people still ignorantly believe that trauma is always remembered by the adult who survived it.

There are those who hoped we would never remember.

The new image on my Blog may not be permanent, but for now, it was temporarily uploaded in order to metaphorically remove my past trauma over not being heard, nor helped, by anyone in my biological family when I was a child.

It has taken me the past two years to fully remember, comprehend, and deal with the traumas I suffered from being silenced as a child, and to not be affected by being punished by my family as an adult.

Warriors Two

The new header image is symbolic of my warrior-self coming out of the darkness.

Through trial, pain, and suffering, I have empowered myself by conquering my fear of punishment, my fear of disturbing the silence, my fear of being called names and criticized, and my fear of not being accepted by those who do not like the truth, or who do not want to hear about the ugly and uncomfortable facts about child sexual abuse.

My warrior side has emerged, and she has rescued my inner child. Together, we will continue on the path of fighting against child sexual abuse.

I am my own mother now, and I have taken the hand of my inner child. Together we will continue to stand up to the ignorance of those who wish to believe children are ‘not that affected’ by sexual abuse and rape, and we will battle against the absurdity of telling a child, or an adult survivor, “let it go” “what’s past is past” “move on with your life.”

My inner child and I will continue down the road of defying the “family code of silence” and will try and help others to understand the seriousness of attempting to silence victims and survivors, and that child sexual abuse, family secrets, and guilt over talking about having been abused, can literally create illness and disease in the body.

My inner child and I will also take our sword of truth –take our sword to the lie that people do not repress years of trauma and sexual abuse.

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13 Responses to My Warrior-Self Has Emerged

  1. Eileen Van Soelen says:

    I understand and hold in high regard this image. Especially the sword and how you are holding it. It’s powerful.

  2. Lori Cardille says:

    Welcome to wearing the world like a loose garment Alethea. You are a warrior!

  3. Little Nel says:

    “Speak about this…and we will… kill you emotionally for daring to say something”

    I think that the words “for daring” before the “to say something” speak volumes about the attitudes of our family members.

    It demands that quiet acquiescing is the rule when we are victimized, humiliated, and assaulted, by another family member who has more power and status than we do. It’s idea that we must accept our “lot in life” even if it kills us. It’s a loose/loose contract without an escape clause for the powerless victim and the other members of the family.

    It’s cruel consequences seem to go unrecognized in those of us who are forced to practice “silence for acceptance” as children, so we are left with a remote and profound sense of loss until we regain our sense of security apart from “keeping the secret” as a means to feign/fake comfort and safety.

  4. Little Nel says:

    Well, Alethea, you have just written about things that most of us hope to find in ourselves after we come to terms with our abuse.

    It is true that we can take our inner child by the hand and give her the protection and love that she deserves by allowing our warrior self to accept her and cherish her.

    I am just now realizing how much I needed my families conditional love and affection. Keep your mouth shut and we will keep you in our sphere of influence. The alternative is our rejection and that will kill you. It is a death threat concealed in the fear of rejection.

    It is a miracle that we found the courage to oppose this type of fear.

    • Alethea says:

      Wow LN. You have just expressed exactly what I was going to write about in a full article.

      “Keep your mouth shut and we will accept you.” “Speak about this and we will cut you off and kill you emotionally for daring to say something.”

      By God’s Grace I am not affected by this anymore, but I went though it, and the emotional pain is like a death. I no longer suffer from them, and they pass through my mind without thought. But so many people are cut off and vilified for speaking the family secrets.

      I am still going to write that article, I just need to find the time this week.

      • Little Nel says:

        I can’t wait to read what you have to say, Alethea.
        I hope that the time is made available for you to write about this subject.

        The code of silence has so many threads of destruction that entangles and subdues anyone in the family who adheres to it’s cruel demands.

        We are living proof that there is an escape from the bondage of it’s grip on us emotionally, physically, and mentally.

        Peace, love, and health, to all of us who crave freedom from that kind of despair.

  5. Alethea says:

    Thank you SO MUCH everyone for all the encouragement and love spread my way on this one!

  6. DJuanan Flowers says:

    I love it, and I definitely identify with the warrior.

  7. KevinF says:

    Excellent, Alethea. I can certainly relate to creating myself thru years of trial and error, pain and suffering.

  8. melissa lee says:

    It’s such a feeling of power and freedom, when our “little girls” and “little boys” no longer need anything from the families that silenced and abused us, to rest in our own divinity. I look forward to hearing more of your story and how you healed from the incest and family violence. Melissa Lee

  9. Marjie Douty says:

    I love it!

  10. mglvsjc says:

    Awesome….so true “.My inner child and I will also take our sword of truth –take our sword to the lie that people do not repress years of trauma and sexual abuse.”

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