Last night my heart raced while sleeping and the pounding woke me up. I also had some insomnia –something I had not experienced in a few months. I worked on the rapid heart rate in therapy this morning by focusing on what I had felt the night before. As I focused on the rapid heart beat, my regression to childhood brought me immediately back to being locked in a closet in my sister’s room. My “parents” had locked me in there. I was three years-old. I recalled the door being shut behind me as I was shoved in the closet. In that moment, I was no longer remembering as the child I was, but now as an observer. The previously repressed memory blocked my ability to recall the incident from inside my body, so I observed the little girl I once was as she pounded on the closet door to be let out.
I then remembered that as a child I knew and feared that my father, being a police officer, had the ability to take my life at any moment with any of his police weapons. He had a baton, a knife, even a gun. I was three years old and completely vulnerable to a man who was a tyrant and who was in a position of authority. In the regression I began to allow myself to remember the fear and to feel the memory as if I was there, instead of observing myself. Once again, the rapid heart rate returned and this time I remembered the sweat beads that had formed on my forehead while panicking in the closet. I gasped while realizing that, as a child, that my father was capable of doing anything he wanted to me, including take my life, and would probably get away with it. He was a cop and my “mother” would have complied with the crime. As a child I had the awareness that they could make up any story they wanted and people would buy it.
1965 was not in an era that was favorable for children. Society shunned the idea of incest and frequently covered up the crimes of child murder with their denial and need for secrecy within families. Those who hurt children had the cooperation of the system of denial that permeated friends and neighbors who would say, “Oh but he is a policeman, he would never harm a child” or, “She is a nice church-going lady, she wouldn’t allow her husband to hurt her daughter.”
I am not quite certain what led my parents to lock me in the closet, nor have I remembered how long I was there and what happened to me after I was let out, but I have some scant memories of being that same age and trying to tell someone about my father. I surmise that I was being punished for that attempt at getting help.
I will post any updates to this memory, which I concluded today by imagining myself growing as big as a house and knocking the closet door down. I then imagined pinning my parents under the closet door and mentally threw the rapid heart beat at them. I told them that I would not fear them any longer, that they had no more power over me, and then I mentally blew them into a black hole. It felt great. Then pictured myself, still three years-old, leaving that house and walking into a perfect place of protection with Angels, and specially-appointed Guardian Angels that would always be there for me. In this perfect place was also my real parents, my perfect parents, Jesus (God) and The Holy Virgin Mary (who is the female aspect of God)
No more rapid heart rate and I feel REALLY good today. This form of therapy is so pure and uncorrupted by the conscious mind. It strengthens and liberates a person from fear and psychosomatic symptoms. I wish that everyone would want to look inside themselves and face their “inner demons” so to speak. If everyone had this form of therapy, there would be so much harmony in the world. Mental disease would be virtually non-existent and the use of pharmaceutical drugs would all but evaporate. Human beings would understand themselves and would rid their mind and body of illness, fear, rage, and guilt.