Breaking Social Taboos About Female/Female Child Sexual Abuse

There is no question that there are serious after-effects from same-sex child sexual abuse. Not only does this violation create more profound shame in the victim, but it does so to the point of most victims remaining silent; often forever. The level of rage, sexual dysfunction, physical problems, psychological disorders, eating disorders, and anti-social behavioral problems is much higher among those who were sexually abused by an adult of the same-sex.  In particular, victims of mother/daughter incest also struggle terribly with their sense of self, and experience worthlessness to the lowest level possible.

Some of the female survivors of child sexual abuse that I interviewed for my book, were sexually abused by their mother. These abuse survivors were the more seriously affected. Their symptoms were far worse, and their ability to function in life was significantly lower than the women who were abused by their fathers or other men.

Stronger Degree of Sexual Dysfunction

The issue of sexual arousal, and victim or perpetrator orgasms (especially if the abuser is the child’s mother, or sister), is the predominant factor in the level of sexual dysfunction, physical illness, and mental health disorders in many victims of female/female child sexual abuse.

One of the most disturbing psychological problems for females, who were abused by a woman, is confusion about their sexual orientation. The majority of the victims are inherently heterosexual. They were not born with a tendency towards homosexual desires. This means there is a high probability that the sexual abuse will cause them to become a very sexually confused person. They might not experience the confusion, or even be aware of it until later in adulthood, but at some point, serious problems can arise.

The adult survivor of female/female child sexual abuse might find themselves stimulated by images of women, or attracted to women, but know that they want to be with men. This can cause a person to have serious problems inside themselves; including unwarranted guilt, self-hatred, and rage towards the depiction of homosexuality as being normal, or about seeing homosexuals kiss in public. The person might have an extreme hatred of women, or engage in same-sex affairs, or they might develop an inability to form and maintain close relationships with female friends.

In The Last Secret: Daughters Sexually Abused by Mothers, Bobbie Rosencrans writes that “the homophobia” in our culture creates additional suffering in children who have been sexually abused by an adult of the same-sex. This is not true. What is labeled as “homophobia” is not inherent in children, so any negative feelings experienced  by the victim during same-sex child abuse is not due to any social ideas held by the child. Children are pure. Unlike most adults, children are highly intuitive. Prior to sexual abuse, they are uncontaminated in their mind and body. They know that an act —which is contrary to nature— is being forced upon them.

In addition, what has been labeled as “homophobia” is oftentimes, a person who harbors hatred, or who reacts negatively to homosexuality and homosexual acts, because they were sexually abused as children by an adult of the same-sex. They may still be carrying deep anger over their experience. I don’t judge heterosexuals who appear to be “intolerant” of homosexuality. It might just be someone, violated as a child by an adult of the same-sex, who has not dealt with it yet. In some cases, they might still be dissociating from the abuse and have amnesia about it.

Let me be clear in stating that some heterosexuals violate children of the same-sex, and I am certainly not saying that every homosexual person sexually abuses a child, nor that homosexuality causes child sexual abuse. My recent article about the heterosexual women, who sexually abused their children (of both sexes), shows that heterosexuals do indeed sexually molest children of the same-sex. But one cannot ignore the fact that homosexual feelings in a sexually deviant person, can lead them to only sexually abuse a child of the same-sex. Nor can we ignore the fact that child sexual abuse can cause homosexuality.

Depending on which statistic is used, anywhere between one and ten percent of Americans consider themselves to be homosexual. In the Rosecrans study, which looked at 93 women sexually abused as children by their mothers, it was found that 36% of the women considered themselves lesbian. While some people still continue to try and normalize homosexuality, this study demonstrates that being sexually molested as a child by an adult of the same-sex, can create sexual confusion, causing a person to think they are homosexual when they are intrinsically heterosexual.

Let me also be clear in saying that there are also cases of people who have become gay or lesbian because of a non-sexual experience with a parent or significant authority figure in their childhood. Others were born with a strong propensity towards homosexuality.

If a child’s first experience with sex, is abuse by an adult or teenager of the same-sex, and especially if the child experienced any kind of pleasurable sexual response (or if her abuser had a sexual response), the child can later develop feelings of sexual arousal by a person of the same-sex. She then might become a lesbian when she mistakenly assumes she must be homosexual.

There are also those who swing to the other end of the pendulum with extremely negative reactions to women or to images of female anatomy. Inherently heterosexual women, abused as a child by a woman, might feel disgust at naked women, be repulsed by female anatomy, and hate women. They can reject any kind of female affection, or to being physically close to a woman friend —however healthy and normal the friendship is.

Another extremely complex dynamic, is that the female survivor might be repulsed by images of women, or by women themselves, because somewhere deep inside herself, the survivor is sexually stimulated by them. But because child sexual abuse caused her to feel stimulated, not that she is truly a homosexual; she will deny the feelings with extreme hatred of women or images of women. The reaction of each person is going to depend on many varying factors from childhood.

Most of the literature I have read on mother-daughter incest, and due to a recent discussion I had with a lesbian, it seems to be taboo to dare suggest that a woman, who has lesbian or bi-sexual tendencies, may have become that way because of sexual abuse she suffered from her mother or another woman. I am breaking that taboo. Intellectually speaking, it is clear that many lesbians and gays have had personal experiences with abuse or trauma which created their sexual feelings, and not that they were predisposed to have an attraction to the same-sex.

Sometimes, rape and sexual abuse by a man can cause a woman to become a lesbian. Many female abuse survivors totally reject the idea of men because of trauma and abuse with a man. But women who have pushed aside, or repressed, the fact that their homosexuality is rooted in an adult female forcing them into an unnatural and confusing situation, are cheating their true nature, or their true self.

A woman, who becomes a lesbian because she was primordially or continuously stimulated by a woman as a child, has reacted psychologically and physiologically to an unnatural occurrence. Those conflicting and confusing feelings need to be addressed at a deeper level. If a woman merely aligns herself with what her body responds to, then she will always be negatively affected; because the person knows the truth within themselves.

Furthermore, in cases of mother/daughter incest, the child frequently retains a deep need for a real mother, as well as shame and guilt. The victim of mother/daughter incest can find great difficulty individuating from the offending mother, and thus, might find it very hard to be independent or to feel whole. The cruel, negative role model given to the child by the offending woman, is a distorted representation of what a woman and mother is. One day, the adult survivor might feel deep confusion, rejection, and even shame concerning her own sexual development as a woman. The survivor might not even be able to look at her own breasts, much less the breasts of another woman.

The stigma, the lack of information about female to female child sexual abuse, and the extreme and oppressive lack of validation about female sexual abusers can result in a woman being uncertain about even becoming a mother, and how to appropriately rear and respond to a female child; if she has one.

Women Who Sexually Abuse Children Are Often More Degenerate Than Men

When a man sexually abuses a child, it is more often about sex, but when a woman sexually abuses a child, it is often about punishment, a warped idea of the mother/daughter relationship, because of an emotional need, or her acting out her own experience with having been sexually abused. In many ways, it is more abnormal when a woman sexually abuses a child. I am referring to the deviancy in the mind of the woman —her twisted reasons for the abuse.

Unlike men, women who sexually violate children, often do it without having been sexually aroused, and some female perpetrators might be abusing the child as a response to a hatred of their own body or their own femininity. In the recent case of the women who abused their children after online contact with a pedophile, some of the women molested their children because they wanted a man in their life, a date, or approval from a man. Most men, who sexually abuse children, do not abuse the child to get a woman, to get a date, or to seek approval. But please do not write me and tell me that I am supporting men who sexually abuse children. I am merely stating facts about the deviancy of the mind of women who abuse children.

Some people feel that if a mother sexually abuses her daughter then she must have been “gentle” or subtle about it. However, a four year study on maternal incest revealed that 65 percent of the mothers had been violent with their victims. It has been suggested by those who work with female survivors that female perpetrators are often more brutal and more “creative” in their attacks on children.~ Lisa Lipshires

Karen K., a survivor of mother/daughter incest has received almost 500 letters from women sexually abused by a woman as a child. She says that, “women are more creative and more brutal in their abuse.”

Female children are more often the victims of female sex offenders than male children are. In addition, victims tend to be children known to the offender, and many of the victims are the offender’s own children.

Female violence against children is nothing shocking. The majority of child homicides in the United States are committed by women. Most prison inmates have been abused by men and women, but men who commit domestic violence were more often abused in childhood by a woman than a man.

Repressed Rage and Silence

There are reports of a link between mother/daughter sexual abuse and cancer of the uterus, and or, breast cancer. My belief, and personal experience, is that most illness and disease is caused by repressed emotional pain, resentment, and fear. The breasts and uterus are solely related to being female. The mind has the power to create illness and disease. It is highly probable that some cases of female to female child sexual abuse is the direct cause of breast, cervical, or uterine cancer, as well as other disease and illness.

The issue of not being believed is another powerful part of sexual abuse perpetrated by a woman. When a female child or young teen is sexually abused by an adult woman, you can bet your life they don’t want to admit to it feeling good or having willingly taken part in it to receive affection, pleasure, or some kind of love from the abuser.

The victim needs to understand that the child’s body responding to being touched, orally copulated, penetrated, or kissed is merely a physiological issue. If the perpetrator sexually abuses a child’s body with a pencil, then the adult survivor could become sexually stimulated at the sight or touch of pencils. The body’s response has nothing to do with what the mind of the child truly desires, which is love, protection and human kindness, not sex, and certainly not sex with an adult of the same-sex.

In most cases, the fear that female survivors of female-perpetrated sex abuse have about telling their stories, is connected to admitting to having been with someone of the same-sex, and thus, to profound shame.

It is no different for male survivors of child sexual abuse perpetrated by a man, or teenage boy. Most men, who were sexually abused by a man, will tell you that any deep-seated shame is rooted in the same/sex aspect of the abuse. It is no different for a woman, or teenage girl. Why should it be? It seems as though men are allowed to feel shame, embarrassment, or hatred of how their body responded to being raped by a man, or forced into oral sex with a man, but females who were forced into sex acts with a woman, are sometimes vilified if they dare to point out their rejection of women, feminism, or anger about lesbianism.

Society excuses women right and left for their acts against children. They are socially excused by being called “victims.” They are excused by family members who call them “lonely and vulnerable,” they are often defended by the feminist community, and frequently exonerated in the court system by prosecutors, and by judges.

Not only does a child or adult survivor of sexual abuse by a woman have to fear not being believed, but they bear the burden of shame, and have the incredibly difficult road of trying to find the courage to speak of the abuse without fear of being considered gay when they are heterosexual, and, if they dare to express that fear, they are often labeled as a “homophobe” or “insensitive” to gays.

~

This article is based on research and my own personal experience with having been sexually abused by a female family member and how that abuse has affected my entire existence.

_______________________________________________________________________

Sources:

Female Sexual Abuse: The Untold Story of Society’s Last Taboo, Report by Charlotte Philby, Saturday, 8 August 2009

Mathews et al., 1989, Faller 1987, Brown et al., 1984).

Wakefield & Underwager, 1991; Knopp & Lackey, 1987; Brown et al., 1984; Elliot, 1993

Lukianowicz, 1972; Faller, 1987; Allen, 1990

Lipshires, Lisa, (1994). “Female perpetration of child sexual abuse: An overview of the problem.” Moving Forward, Vol. 2, No. 6, Retrieved from the World Wide Web: http://movingforward.org/v2n6-cover.html

Hastings, 2000

Rosencrans, 1997; Fitzroy, 1997

Pearson, 1997

The Last Secret: Daughters Sexually Abused by Mothers, Bobbie Rosencrans M.S.W, The Safer Society Press, page 24, page 132, page 205

Finkelhor and Araji (1986)

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41 Responses to Breaking Social Taboos About Female/Female Child Sexual Abuse

  1. Melissa says:

    Thank you for this article! For 22 years I wondered if I was the only one and I cried just to know I’m not. I want to try to share my story because to be honest it seems like no one else cares and they just gloss over it like oh well it happened it didn’t really hurt you.
    Bless you for being open and honest and making people like me feel normal. I love the people in my life who know this story but please note that not one of them want to hear about it again and if I try to bring it up I get blank stares and silence…..you are very brave to do this article and I want you to know that to people like me this has become like a life line. I have become very good in my life at pretending everything is great and rosy but it’s nice to see someone else who validates that when this happens to someone life is not great it’s a struggle from the moment of the first abuse that lasts a life time. Here is my story and I apologize I know it will be scattered and unorganized but I think it’s because it’s the first time I have actually tried to explain it fully and put my feeling to it as an adult.

    I was sexually abused by my sister physically 3 times when I was 12 and she was 15 and the only reason it didn’t happen more is because we each lived with a different parent however after researching it as a now 35 year old woman I now realize that her forcing me to watch her masterbate and look at porn was also abuse it actually happened for years she also beat the crap out of me any chance she got and my family thinks that’s funny to this day, she even brags about the beatings! I did not tell my mother until last year and it was only because they all of a sudden had this wonderful relationship that had never existed before this and in fact for years mu mother and sister hated each other and told anyone who would listen that they did and I could not stand to listen one more time to what an awesome and amazing person she was and I finally snapped and said how can you defend a person your child or not who sexually physically and emotionally abused me for years and has never been held accountable for it not once! Both of my parents knew about all the abuse that had happened other than the sexual abuse when I was still a kid and her answer was my sister didn’t know what she was doing and that she was going to be close to her no matter what had happened. I was told that I should get on the phone and make things right with my sister for whatever my mother believes I have done to wrong her and that I am going to regret cutting her out of my life!! Who does this and says that?!? I protected her for decades and continue to do so to anyone other than my mom brother and husband and I am made to feel like I did something wrong to her! The last time I had anything to do with her was when my husband and I hosted her wedding (3rd one) did her meal for her and provided their room to stay on their wedding night….does that sound like I did something wrong? Once she stopped me from having any contact with my two nieces to the point of threatening each of their fathers that if they allowed me to see them that she would cut the dad’s out of the girls lives too I finally had enough and have never spoken to her since. Every time I talk to my mom she makes a point of telling me what a good mom and wife my sister is and when I told her this hurt me I was once again told that they would always be close no matter what and that my mother would never bring up my so called allegations to my sister. I told her let us both take a lie detector test because I would pass and she would fail but at least I would be validated and when I said that she changed the subject. I am told that I am lucky to have the life I do but in reality it’s not luck that got me an amazing husband of 18 years and a amazing son who plays basketball in Europe this summer at 15 (we are from canada so this is a big deal and he worked his butt off for it…proud mom bragging sorry  )and my own business it’s called hard work, never giving up, and in general trying to live my life the right way. On the other hand my sister has kicked out her 16 year old daughter this past weekend and told her she can never come home, cheated on two husband’s who left her when she got caught and slept with a “boyfriend” to make money to try to make some to have her 3rd wedding while her fiance lived in the basement under the lie that he was just a renter (dont worry i did tell the “boyfriend” so he could get away and not be taken advantage of) plus has only ever had a job at porn shops because as she proclaims that job was made for her and she is the awesome mom and wife!?! Meanwhile I have been told I had better watch out for how my son will turn out because we have supported his dream of playing ball which has required long hours thousands of dollars and making sure he knew he was always accountable to us in regards to how hard he works and that we require him to have 80% average a school (he is smart enough for those grades and that is why we expect them and he delivers them) to have us put this out for him, I have never missed a game try out or practice in five years never missed a teacher meeting and never left him to his own devices so he has no chance of getting off track and all while dealing with infertility issues for 10 years that finally ended in me having a radical hysterectomy at 33 and a husband who because of our company is only home three days a month, so I have essentially raised him alone since I was 18 with no help from anyone but my sister can smoke pot kick her kids out give up on them because they have drug and alcohol problems get kicked out of school and admit to prostitution. ..wonder where they learned all of that!!!! However my poor nieces are blamed because it’s their choices that have brought them to where they are not apparently bad parenting and I’m told I should feel lucky to not be in my sister position and can I imagine how she must feel! I feel you don’t have a right to give up on your kids we are lucky just to have them i know this better than anyone should have to and marriage can not be disrespected or they will end and that most of all you get what you give…..karma really is a bitch!I am so tired of doing the right thing all the time and still being the one who just got lucky….was it luck that got me abused and changed who I could have been otherwise!? I love my life I Thank God for my husband and son and I know without the abuse I would have neither of them because my life would have been different but don’t call that luck it should really be looked at that it’s amazing I still turned out to be able to be a good mom wife and person and can work for this life especially since I have always had to hide all the wrong that has been done to me!!
    Sorry to rant I just can’t keep it in all the time.

    • Alethea says:

      Dear Melissa,

      I wanted to give you the time you deserve to answer you, but I am too tired tonight. Please know that your comment came through, and I will reply to you ASAP, probably tomorrow.

      All my best,
      ~Alethea

    • Alethea says:

      Dear Melissa,

      You are NOT alone, and no one in my life wants to hear about it either. But feel free to be open and honest here.

      The only reason I wrote this article is for people like you. I never wrote it thinking I would ever change anyone’s thinking, or to convince anyone of anything.

      Your sister, forcing you to watch her masturbate and look at porn was absolutely sexual abuse.

      Your mother’s response is typical and re-wounding. Most parents will defend the abuser out of denial, because of their guilt over being the parent of an abuser, and because they want the topic gone as quickly as possible. The next action, is usually to blame the victim, and or, ask the victim to be the one who makes amends.

      Your mother, like most people in the family we dare to reveal our pain to…wants the victim to ‘move on with your life,’ ‘let it go,’ and ‘forgive and forget.’ This is done for their comfort, not because this advice actually helps you or anyone.

      Threats are common too. Threats to cut you off, or threats for you to keep silent….very common.

      If I were you, I would not be concerned about how your mother, sister, or other family members feel about you. YOU know your worth, and you are grateful for your husband and child, and you obviously do a great job, so be in peace with yourself, and don’t give another ounce of concern, or need, for your bio family to approve of you, or to see your worth. All that matters is how your husband and child see you, and how you see yourself.

      You might also find peace in remembering that your bio family will most likely NEVER change. Our peace comes from not having any expectations of others to be how they ‘should’ be, or to behave as they ‘should’ behave. No expectations, no disappointments.

      Thank you for sharing with us.

      ~All my best…
      Alethea

  2. Caithlin says:

    I’m glad I’ve come across this post. I’m a little overwhelmed and am not preferring to share my personal experience as I’m triggered at the moment. But, I did cry in relief because of the validation of my own experience reflected in your article and these comments. I am so grateful to hear others share the same internal dialogue and childhood experience(s). Your article is appropriate. I was abused in-home, physically and emotionally; and violently. My brother and I latch-key kids. We were rather vulnerable children. I found myself in situations that no looked-after child would have been. As an adult I’m finding it challenging to resolve my own heterosexuality with the arousal patterns that ressonnate from my female/female physical and sexual abuse and brother’s incestual advances (which he doesn’t remember) and my father’s emotional, physical and spiritual abuse as well as his narcissism. I am deeply moved, and I am crying from a number of aspects around this topic. relief that I can heal. validation and language around my internal and external experience. hearing others’ stories in these comments. and, my own inner-child … but that’s pretty intense I’ll need time to unpack that. thank you thank you thank you. keep going girl. you’ve got something good, here.

    • Alethea says:

      Caithlin,

      It can be very overwhelming to deal with emotional trauma.

      But your tears are my tears of joy to know that my posts have helped you feel validated. This is a very important thing for abuse survivors. We already felt so profoundly different because of the abuse in and of itself. But when we know that we are not defective, by knowing that it was normal and is common that our bodies and minds were betrayed…..we can be liberated from self-made isolation.

      “As an adult I’m finding it challenging to resolve my own heterosexuality with the arousal patterns that resonate from my female/female physical and sexual abuse…”

      Just remember that if you were sexually abused with a rolling pin, and it was pleasurable to your body, then rolling pins would probably become a sexually arousing object to you. It is NOT the female gender that you might be stimulated by, but the representation of that female body.

      “..hearing others’ stories in these comments. and, my own inner-child … but that’s pretty intense I’ll need time to unpack that. thank you thank you thank you. keep going girl. you’ve got something good, here.”

      No, THANK YOU for daring to pry those wounds open, for speaking about them here, and for facing them.

      Your comments are of great value to me on my path.

      Peace,
      ~Alethea

  3. sherry curtis says:

    Hi. I just want to get this out and in the open as a like true confession thing so please forgive me if this sounds a little hit and run and to the point.

    My mother, whom doctors suspect was scizophrenic, would insert cotton balls into my sister and I as we attempted to sleep to the sounds of her loud music playing in the kitchen and her conversations (sometimes loud and violent -holes in walls, dishes breaking, etc.) with people who weren’t really there.

    She would rush into the room and wake us from what little sleep we were getting and angrily stuff our vaginas with the cotton claiming she was doing this because our candies (vaginas) were talking.

    I don’t know what I feel about that now that i’m older in my 40’s with 4 boys of my own. I know I don’t really like women a whole lot and I’m really glad that I didn’t have any female children. I feel safe with my sons and I think a girl child would’ve pushed me over the edge somehow. I don’t think I would’ve hurt it sexually but physically I sometimes want to see women get hurt.

    Ironically my sister who always used to ask me to play sex games with her and my male cousins was murdered by her husband. I still grieve over her loss and don’t want to wish that on anyone.

    Thanks for listening! God bless your work and you also!

    • Alethea says:

      Dear Sherry,

      So sorry it took this long to reply.

      It is awesome that you are so honest with yourself.

      Not liking, or hating women, is very common for women who have been sexually abused by a female. You were sexually abused by your mother. She might not have done the cotton ball routine in a sexual way, or for sexual purposes, but it WAS sexual abuse because she abused your vaginas.

      I am so sorry about your sister. What a traumatic thing.

      All my best,
      Alethea

  4. Shar says:

    Hmm where to start. I am attempting to write 2 books, one about my own survival of traumatic sexual abuse (a female babysitter molest myself and my brother, later my brother acted out on me for years, then an uncle molested and at age 11 I was raped by a family friend). Its funny because it took me the longest time to identify the same sex abuse because of the shame. My brother and were very very young when this occurred, but it started a life that was monstrous in nature. By the time I was an older teen, i was a sexual beast. Everything was so highly charged for me sexually. The rape was the last incident, but that seemed to only be the beginning of what was to be the result of promiscuity, hating women, hating men, being bisexual (but then again, it was perpetrated by the “free love” era that I grew up with in the 60’s. Drug abuse, food abuse, self esteem issues, suicidal scenarios (twice), sexual identity crisis, depression. My entire childhood prior to age 11 was nothing but sexual experiences at the hands of all of the other powers that be.

    I can say that now on this side, some 40 years later, I have been able to help many young people in my church, some adult survivors as they remember and really want to take this to another level. I am a minister of the gospel and condemn nor judge no one for where they are in the process (the process ain’t over yet).

    My brother and I recently spoke of the “incidents” and my uncle had actually acknowledged and apologized. It was freeing, but now living beyond that can be tricky.

    Also, I want to stress forgiveness. When we don’t forgive, it keeps us stuck in that moment (arrested development), and as you have written, the mind will manifest one way or another, good or bad. So all of you be encouraged, because your answers are on the other side of the process. Thank you for this forum.

    • Alethea says:

      Shar, forgive me for taking so long to reply. I have just been super busy.

      It’s no wonder you were so “sexually charged” as you put it. I especially think the incest between you and your brother might have contributed to that the most.

      It read as so strange to me how a child rapist can just simply “acknowledge and apologize” decades later and then everything is good to go. I am not saying that you were instantly healed with his apology, I am saying that it is so odd that a person can get away with it (and you know he raped more than one child), apologize many years later and simply ‘move on’ from the subject/crime.

      Thanks so much for commenting.

      Alethea

      • Shar says:

        Hi Alethea,

        Thanks for responding. I can only imagine how busy your life must be. I think that because I had/have been so disconnected from it all that any sort of acknowledgement it was just bizarre and I don’t know what I felt, I guess because someone finally said something, it was freeing by breaking the silence, but I wasn’t equipped at the time to take it further. The family dynamic of it I was just unable to wrap my mind around, and I can’t even fathom if it were a mother/daughter abuse. I applaud your strength, and courage and thank you for this platform of which I have learned a great deal. You are helping alot of people.

  5. Sara says:

    First off, thank you for writing this, it is very educational. Secondly, bravo! It takes a lot of bravery and courage to put yourself out there like that. I think your fricken awesome and I applaud and appreciate your fight to educate, enlighten, and inspire others. I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Both of my perpetrators were men (my father and step father). In the past I used to give a lot of speeches, mentored support groups, etc. as part of my healing process. For this I would need to do a lot of research, but I only researched “survivors” as a whole, never differentiating what gender the abuser was. Nor did I ever really think about gender as an issue. So this was very educational for me.

    With much respect,
    Sara

    • Alethea says:

      Hey Sara, thanks so much for all the great comments. I am super happy to know this article helped you, and in turn, can help others.

      Keep up the good work.

      Alethea

  6. Chrisentiae says:

    Thank you for this blog topic. I feel that you are doing a great good, by shedding light on this area, and thus helping others.

    My personal view is that being lesbian has nothing to do with same sex abuse. A lesbian is a womyn attracted to other womyn.

    Your article is about child abuse and I would be hesitant to label these perpetrators anything more than that.

    I want to make this point gently and with respect, for this is a very important and sensitive topic.

    I also want to add that being lesbian is normal. Some persons are born like that, identifying as femyl and attracted to other femyls. It isn’t a choice for such persons. It is normal.

    What is abnormal is child sex abuse.

    Thank you again for this topic. I have posted a link to this blog at my lesbian community forum, as it is an important topic for all.

    Chrisentiae

    • Alethea says:

      Dear Chrisentiae,

      Thank you for your kind words regarding my blog.

      Lesbianism has many different roots. It can be hormonal imbalance, sexual abuse by a man, sexual abuse by a woman, or for some people it can be for reasons unknown to the person and they do not even know why they are attracted to the same sex unless they do deep therapy on themselves.

      I know of a man who thought he might be gay but when he penetrated his subconscious mind in therapy, it turned out that an incident as a child with his father being naked (non-sexual incident) caused him to be curious about the male naked body, and he confused this with thinking as an adult that he was gay. He did not recall the incident until therapy, and after he dealt with this in therapy, he was attracted to women not men.

      I know of a few people who were sexually abused by a same sex adult, who ended up in gay relationships, and who later felt very disturbed by it because they knew inside themselves that they were not gay or lesbian. I have had lesbians tell me personally that sexual abuse caused them to be lesbian.

      So, as you see, these cases are not normal human behavior and should not be presented as normal because oftentimes, the person feels very abnormal inside and very much uneasy with their choice to be gay or lesbian. This is because they know deep inside that they are not truly gay or lesbian, but are struggling with something that confused their mind, usually in childhood.

      Child sexual abuse is abnormal, but so is gay or lesbianism in someone who is that way because of abuse.

      Best regards,
      Alethea

      • Chrisentiae says:

        Friday 3 August 2012

        Hi Alethea,

        How are you?

        Thank you for sharing your views.

        Being homosexual (lesbian/gay) is no different to being heterosexual, in terms of the topic of child sexual abuse.

        I think it is erroneous and harmful to correlate homosexual persons for things child sexual abusers have done, in the same way as it is erroneous and harmful to correlate heterosexual persons for things child sexual abusers have done.

        Your examples of homosexual persons is just that, examples. There are other examples too, positive ones. You know this to be true, but do not cite those examples.

        Alethea, it is easy to incite hatred towards persons, even unintentionally, and citing only negative examples of homosexuals does that. This is what prompted me to comment in the first place.

        Sexual orientation does not describe a person in terms of being good or bad, kind or mean, and homosexual/heterosexual orientation ought not to be tied to child sexual abuse.

        That is the point I want to make and I thank you for the opportunity to express a view in contrast to your own.

        As to the topic of child sexual abuse … perhaps let the victims decide the outcome, punishment for these evil persons! I have zero regard for child sexual abusers. In fact, I have zero regard for anyone who uses sex as a form of abuse. I detest abuse in all forms.

        My only concern is for the victims. One thing to be aware of and to avoid, is to be harmed more than one has been and often revenge and such like, whether in thought or in deed, just causes even more suffering.

        As ironic as it sounds, forgiveness for oneself, and then for the monster does help.

        I have been severely harmed in my life, and all the nightmares and endless replaying scenarios does nothing good, and I know neither would revenge.

        I don’t know if you have faith or not, but for me, following the example of Jesus to forgive, actually works for me. It gives me the opportunity to be cleansed in spirit and move on. Scared, but such is all life.

        These are just my views, and I thank you again for letting me share such … I know you hold some opposing views, and I admire your honesty and decency in allowing my views to be heard.

        I do, very much, wish you and your readers here happiness!!!

        With kind regards.

        Yours respectfully,

        Chrisentiae

        Melbourne, Australia

        • Chrisentiae says:

          Ooops typo correction:

          “Scarred, but such is all life.” ie scars

        • Alethea says:

          Chrisentiae,

          What I wrote earlier is not merely “examples” they are facts. If you do not like the facts, that does not change them into opinions or into untruths. I am sorry you are offended by the truth about homosexuality and child sexual abuse, and about the human mind and physiological reactions…but I am not going to bend to untruths in order for you, or anyone else to not be offended.

          Please do not slap silly terms on this subject in order to defend abnormalities in the human psyche. The truth is the truth. If someone feels “hate” for someone elses’s lifestyle because I dare to speak the truth about child sexual abuse and homosexuality, then that is their own consciousness and it has NOTHING to do with me.

          “As to the topic of child sexual abuse … perhaps let the victims decide the outcome, punishment for these evil persons! …..My only concern is for the victims. One thing to be aware of and to avoid, is to be harmed more than one has been and often revenge and such like, whether in thought or in deed, just causes even more suffering.”

          If it were up to victims to decide what happens to a child sex predator, then most of them would get off scott free. Many victims are too afraid, too emotionally attached, or too full of self-blame to properly say what kind of punishment the perpetrator should have. If it were up to victims, then countless children would continue to be sexually abused because the majority of perpetrators would all be free! We have to have laws to protect children!

          I don’t know what you are talking about when you speak of revenge. I don’t recall inciting revenge on anyone at anytime!

          You mentioned Jesus, well you should be aware that Jesus was accused of inciting hatred and His teachings caused many people to be angry, merely for Him speaking the truth!

          Alethea

  7. Anonymous says:

    I am glad that I came across this webpage. I read a paragraph in particular, that describes the way I have been feeling for so long, in social settings. Some days, it just feels better to stay home instead of going out and know that i have to deal with the burden of feeling awkward around people.

    Feeling very glad, to know, I am not alone.

    grace is enough 01

  8. Debbie says:

    I have been dealing with bi-sexual feelings throughout my life. I was sexually abused by both my father, mother and other from early childhood to pre-adolescence. Biggest secret was that I was aroused by both genders and so I have an intense amount of shame. I was married for nearly 20 years to a man, but have had 4 sexual relationships with women. My church, says that I was born with these feelings and that I must endure and suppress the feelings I have of same gender attraction.

    I have struggled for many years in silence, unable to give voice, until recently. I started attending college and I am currently in a Sociology class on Sexuality. I have to do a research paper as a final paper and I finally told someone (my professor) of my same-sex abuse. She thought it was a great idea, especially since I might find some answers to my own questions as to, “is my bi-sexual attraction from my abusive history or biological?

    Then I came upon your blog. I started crying right there at one of the college’s cafe`. I’m not alone!!! You know how much weight has been lifted, by your blog…? Although I am not happy in the slightest to know that others have endured this form of abuse, but again, I am not alone. There are others that might understand me, at least to a point.

    Thank you for your blog and reaching out to myself and others. Also, if you know of other research or information on the subject of Female/Female Child Abuse, I would be most appreciative.

    • Alethea says:

      Debbie. Your comment made me cry a little. I got it from both parents too, and one memory of it happening at the same time. So feeling confused is an understatement.

      let’s just say that I can totally relate, validate, and have deep compassion for your situation. I am pretty sure that Survivors of Incest Anonymous has a pamphlet on mother/daughter incest:
      http://siawso.flyingcart.com/index.php?p=products&req=dept&id=5

      There is also a good book called “The Last Secret” by Bobby Rosecrans.

      Stay tuned to my Blog, because I am getting a few of these kind of comments lately. You and I are not alone, and I think I will be writing more on this topic soon.

      • Alethea says:

        I am also writing a manuscript about this, and it has some research in it. I will keep you posted.

      • Alethea says:

        Debbie, I also forgot to say that imagining seeing you in that college cafe’ with your lap top and finding my Blog, moved me. Your comment and people like you, are why I began this blog. I needed others to know they are NOT ALONE.

  9. Grace says:

    I am so glad I found this website. I am a 25 yo woman who is just coming to terms with the fact that I was sexally abused by my sister (who is 5 years older) when I was very young. For a long time, I thought that since we were both children, that it couldn’t be as bad as I thought it was. But my sexual health has suffered because of the abuse, and I have issues with intimacy (as I am sure incest survivors generally do).

    Very recently, I remembered a new detail about the abuse. I remember her telling me not to tell anyone. That memory instantly triggered a sense of anger – she DID know that what she was doing was wrong. I didn’t know any better, and was scared to death. I looked up to her SO much. It went on for years. Then she got older and went out with friends. I remember hoping she would stay home so we could “play”. I just wanted that acceptance and attention.

    Finding this website and reading the comments on this post in particular has saved my life. I have decided to take antidepressants and am actively seeking a therapist to work through the trauma. Reading the comments, particularly by Pia and Alethea, gave me a sense of I AM NOT ALONE. I cried and cried. I really needed to feel that I am not alone. Thank you for that. I will continue to follow this website…and I am hopeful in building an online community of support. Sister-sister incest is something hard to find information on, but I keep on trying.

    Best wishes to all, dear friends. Hang in there.

    • Alethea says:

      Dear Grace,

      My apologies for not getting back to you sooner. I have been crazy busy the last three days.

      I am also glad you found this website. I validate your every feeling, and you ARE NOT alone. People just don’t talk about mother/daughter sister/sister incest.

      I am deeply sorry for the suffering you have endured, and the sexual health issues you have had. I am currently working on a manuscript on this very subject and now, more than ever, I feel I need to finish it.

      Of course your sister knew it was wrong! and the need for sibling acceptance is very strong in children, even in adulthood. I can validate 100% your feelings of needing her acceptance and attention.

      There is not much on the subject, but Survivors of Incest Anonymous does have a few good pamphlets on sibling incest. http://siawso.flyingcart.com/index.php?p=products&req=dept&id=5

      I am deeply sorry to hear that you have decided to take antidepressants. They can be dangerous, and only treat the symptoms, not the root cause. They can also make a person MUCH worse. Please use extreme caution.

      Please email me if you want to talk privately, and if you want my therapist’s contact info. She saved my life and can liberate you, without the use of pharmaceutical drugs. My email is: sanjuanagel7@yahoo.com

      All my best,
      Alethea

  10. Cammy says:

    WOW! So sad. what more is there to say? I was shocked. but that is “far” worse. Mine was a man! I have never been able to have normal relationship. Self hate always present. I guess it makes me feel a little better tho… in some weird way.. this secret subject really needs more exposure. thanks

  11. Charlii says:

    I was sexually abused as a child by an older friend. Afterwards, there were Many issues with sexuality as a child. I also find that I was physically damaged by it. I only remember one instance if abuse, and that was only recovered a year ago at 16. I do find that I lacked any real female friends. The one I do hAve is very tomboyish, and I only told after three years of being friends. Today I told another person, my fiancée, and I feel as if a great weight has been lifted by his understanding and support. I also find that seeing that I’m not alone has helped me immensely, thank you for posting this

    • Alethea says:

      Charlii, your comment has made my day. I am very happy to know that the post has helped you.

      I have not told my husband about being sexually abused by a female family member. I have only told two friends, and not in a long time. I have a couple of new friends now and too afraid to tell them, or my man.

      It is still, for me, too embarrassing, disgusting, and I fear not being believed. One of the friends that I told years ago has since become distant and made a snide comment about me not wanting to share a hotel room with women. So I don’t feel that I want to share this aspect of my childhood with any new friends. People often just don’t understand, make conclusions, judge, and disbelieve.

      Good for you for being so strong.

  12. PleaseHelp! says:

    My 9 yr old step-daughter just revealed after 6 six of acting out sexually that her mother molested her. She still will not give details to her counselers or law enforcement. She will just say a few things and clam up. Is there any book or anything out there that she could read so that she knows that she is not alone? We really need help to get her to open up about what has happened. She acts out sexually had has in turn molested her little sister and touched other girls at school. We need help! After reading this article I see that maybe the counselors needs to do more research about mother/daughter sexual abuse. Do you have any advice for us? She needs help!

    • Alethea says:

      Hello. First off, I want to say that this is a very delicate situation. I am so so sorry that your step-daughter has gone through this. There are a couple of books out there, but not many. Start with Bobby Rosencran’s The Last Secret: http://www.amazon.com/Last-Secret-Daughters-Sexually-Mothers/dp/1884444369/ref=cm_lmf_tit_1

      There is also this support group that might help:
      http://www.mdsa-online.org/

      No matter what, please reinforce to her that she is NOT at fault, especially if she felt any pleasure from the abuse. Make sure she understands that there is nothing wrong with her for having enjoyed being touched by her mother. Make sure she is not near anyone who doesn’t believe her because this can be devastating to her, and she might never talk about it, and might even retract her accusations. It is not my place to say if she was abused or not, but statistics show that children rarely lie about it, especially when it is the mother.

      The fact that she has touched other girls in the same way, not only reinforces her story as truth, but it means that she could suffer a lot of guilt for that. Make sure she understands that her touching other little girls was a reaction to having been sexually abused, not that there is anything wrong with her. Make sure she knows that she is NOT bad.

      Don’t try to force any information out of her; let it come out naturally, and please be careful about untrained therapists or law enforcement that might taint her case. Make sure she is handled by experts, with experience, good references and credentials. If the mother denies it, your step-daughter will be up against people who will try and say your step-daughter is making this all up.

  13. Pia says:

    I am a victim of same sex incest. I was sexually abused by my sister who is 4 years older than me. I’ve tried to deny it I think for a long time. I’ve tried to tell myself that it was just normal behavior. But, I know she did not do the things she did to me to my other two sisters. Just me. And, as the memories come back to me…it was basically sex. I was terrified of her her throughout my childhood. She was abusive in other ways as well.

    When I was 19, she came out of the closet…a lesbian. I have spent years being terrified that somehow she made a lesbian too. But, I am not attracted to women at all. However, I seem to be unable to have a normal relationship with men. For a long time in my adulthood. I hated the idea of sex….where others find it pleasurable…I found it absolutely disgusting. I hate this..Ihate the way what she did to me has ruined me as a person. Is it still incest if you were sexually abused by your sister not my mother?

    • Alethea says:

      Dear Pia,

      Your comment brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for being honest with yourself and for being so open here.

      It is ABSOLUTELY incest if it is by a sister. It is incest and it is a severe violation of trust, and a betrayal. In some ways, sibling incest can be worse because sometimes the child looked to the sister as another mother figure, and then when the sister violates the child or betrays the child sexually, the child feels lost. It can be worse too because sometimes the child will feel pleasure with a sister, more than with a parent, and the child’s level of guilt and shame will be magnified.

      Siblings are often like peers to us, so we might do something with them to make them happy or to be accepted by them. This causes guilt in us.

      Please write again if you feel like you want to talk more. I hope this helps.

      Alethea

      • Pia says:

        Thank you for responding Althea! I don’t know why, but I just began to cry uncontrolably when I read it. I had been searching everywhere to find information about my experience and just didn’t find anything. I was starting to feel like I was the only one with this experience. It is a comfort beyond belief to know that I am not alone. Is there any literature out there? I have started therapy. I have gone to two different counselors…but they just don’t seem to understand my problem…or my deepest fears.

        Pia

        • Alethea says:

          Pia, I am so happy that we have found common reason to communicate. Feeling isolated is one of the number one problems with incest. I have not told any of my friends, and not even my husband, about my sister. I don’t feel that I could share it with them. For one it’s embarrassing, for another, I am afraid that they wouldn’t believe me, and for another; I still fear deep down inside myself that they would consider me a lesbian. crazy huh? I guess it’s because people who have not been sexually abused by a person of the same sex, just don’t get it and they might try and make personal conclusions, but how could they ever get it? It’s like me trying to understand how and what that guy went through from the film “127 Hours.” I have NO clue what kind of experience he had inside himself and how horrible it really was, and how much pain and suffering he endured. I certainly should not make any personal conclusions about him either.

          Know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I haven’t explored any books on this yet, but Survivors of Incest Anonymous is one of the best resources for cheap info. They have these little booklets on all kind of incest subjects. I found that ALL of them were very helpful. You can check out the one on sibling incest by clicking here:

          http://siawso.flyingcart.com/index.php?p=detail&pid=45&cat_id

          Keep in touch, it’s nice to know that I am also not alone.

  14. Shana Dines says:

    I read somewhere that female pedophiles used to be, anyway, more easily recognizable. Or I should say that they may stand out in a crowd, where men can blend in. Mr. Joe neighborhood coach looks perfectly normal and acceptable, whereas a woman may be more overly made up and seductive. That is not saying that all women who look at way are pedophiles. It really hit home with me though. My mother wore very heavy makeup and had bright yellow hair. She bleached it and didn’t put a toner on it so it was bright yellow. She was more gentle, ha, what a joke, but she was not violent in her abuse where as her sister was a violent sexual abuser. I agree that when women molest it is a different more psychologically damaging effect than when a man molests. They both are abominations, no doubt, but there is a different dynamic. I too was molested by both men and women. Very good well researched article, no one would understand it as well as someone who has been there.

    • Alethea says:

      Hi Shana. Your description of female child sexual abusers sounds more like women who would abuse little boys as opposed to little girls. But I have never read that information. I have only read how the female abuser can and does appear normal.

      Did your mother have affairs or abuse any boys?

      I want to thank you for your openness and support of my article.

      And I would like to add that when a man and a woman sexual abuse a child at the very same time, it can imbed even more serious psychological sexual confusion and abuse.

  15. Missy says:

    I am a survivor of sexual abuse at the hands of my lesbian mother’s partner. I am now 46 years old and have suffered depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, as well as a few other problems. I wish that there was more information available regarding this issue. I know many wonderful lesbians as well as many that I do not care for, just as I know many heterosexuals that I feel are detestable. I agree that the sexual abuse needs to be treated differently, a female is generally looked upon as nurturing and compassionate, especially when caring for a child. Sexual abuse from this person is more personal than from a male. I should know, I was abused by both sexes at different times in my life, and none were family members. I have been married almost 26 years and have three wonderful grown children.

    • Alethea says:

      Thanks for posting Missy, and for being so open.

      I think that, as you pointed out, because women are regarded as nurturing and compassionate, they are often disregarded as child sexual abusers. This makes it extremely difficult for people, who are abused by women, to be believed. Have you had any trouble being believed, or believing yourself?

      Alethea

  16. Liz says:

    I am guilty of only skimming for now, I do not have a lot of time. I’d just like to say that females are encouraged to be sexually available, as though that is what we are made for.

    It always seems to be a big taboo when priests abuse altar boys, but when nuns abuse girls there seems to be mostly silence.

    • idoidoevents says:

      Liz, I agree. I will never forget Courtney Love’s scene in “The People vs. Larry Flynt” (she was portraying his wife, Althea) when she described being raped by nuns as a child. Very powerful but ignored by most people. I think that’s as a big a problem as the pedophile priests. However, the social taboo and image of nuns as being so pious and beyond reproach definitely does not allow for survivors to speak out.

      • Alethea says:

        Thanks for posting this Liz. Larry Flynt makes me sick. I am certain his daughter’s accusations of incest are true, and his child porn and rape innuendos in his magazine are deplorable. I am also no fan of Woody Harrelson, so I never saw that film. Now I wish I had.

        I remember when I read that his wife had AIDS. I was not so sorry for her because I recall reading that she came on to women strongly (sexually) and crossed boundaries with them. My lack of sympathy came from my inner rage at being sexually abused by a woman.

        Now that I know her history with child sexual abuse, I have a little more understanding of her, but I still despise lesbians and bi-sexuals, who cross boundaries and come on to women against their will. I am still working on that aspect of my childhood.

        Alethea

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