Being In Love With a Monster

I published this a couple of years ago, but thought I would re-run it for those who may have missed it:

I have often wondered; how could I have been in love with and enjoyed having sex with my own father? My father began putting his penis in my mouth when I was only three years old. When he raped me a few years later, I was so scared out of my mind, I thought I was dying. I was in total shock. I couldn’t move or scream. I didn’t know what was happening to me, and there was blood.

Yet my memories are also that of a little girl who was in love with her father, competed with her mother and sister for his attention, wanted to have sex with him, and had orgasms with him.  I have spent years trying to understand my memories of rape combined with memories of sexual pleasure and adornment for the man who raped me.  Even after reading about other survivors of incest and child sexual abuse, who eventually fell in love with their victimizers, (or at the very least,  enjoyed some of the attention and sexual stimulation), and even after researching and understanding Stockholm Syndrome and Trauma Bonding, I now have the validation that I never could obtain before; and it took Jaycee Lee Dugard’s case to give me that closure.

http://www.examiner.com/images/blog/wysiwyg/image/jaycee(1).jpg

Jaycee Dugard’s stepfather Carl Probyn, has stated that Jaycee  “has strong feelings” with her perpetrator. He says, ” She really feels it’s almost like a marriage.” And there it is, my breath of closure. Jaycee was kidnapped,imprisoned, and raped by a total stranger and she bonded with him like a husband. My father was no stranger to me. He was my flesh and blood.  I loved him. I lived in the same house with him, shared in family activities, family vacations, and sat at the dinner table with him before he ever began to sexually assault me. So if Jaycee Lee Dugard can form a deep attachment with a vile monster-stranger, then why on earth would I have questioned my own reality that played out with my father for so many years?

Being a victim is so complex and we can’t even understand our own mind or comprehend our own reactions to the horrors of abuse and betrayal.  Thank you Jaycee Lee for your strength and courage, and for telling your story so that I can now understand my own.

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