With Enough Stress and Emotional Instability, the Family Unit Can Be a Cocktail For Incest

“The family is self-destructing, destroying itself from within, by its failure to nurture and value its young”

~ Andrew Vachss

Due to my recent articles on the incestuous dynamics within some families, I thought I would continue on this topic in order to help people understand how common incest is, and how it theoretically could happen to almost any family.

As I stated in a previous article, it would be a normal physiological reaction for people who live in the same home and who are tied together by emotions… to also be sexually attracted to each other, or for their physiological bodies to unwillingly react to one another. The physical body does what it does, but the emotional and mental body being attracted to incest, is not natural.

Most people ignore or suppress such feelings. But when an emotionally and mentally weak, stressed, or psychologically unstable person has those feelings towards their child, they are likely to act on them.

Child pornography is a massive industry, so there are many people in our society with sexual feelings toward children.

“I don’t want to know.”

~A friend’s reply to me when I asked her if she realizes how many fathers sexually abuse their daughters.

It is a fact that biological fathers who molest their children, often do so out of a sexual attraction to their own child because they find themselves in a situation with naked, vulnerable, and accessible children who are in need of love and attention. Sometimes, the child senses a mother’s hostility towards her child, and gravitates to the father for affection. The family unit can be a cocktail for impulsive desires perpetrated by an off-balance father (or mother, sister or brother).

Another dynamic not widely discussed, is that men sometimes cease being attracted to their wives, and after a certain age, women often no longer want to have sex. Although lack of sex has nothing to do with child sexual abuse, a man with a propensity to abuse a child, might go to the daughter because she loves him and wants to please her father. Or she might be coming into her teens, which means her hormones are wild. Another fact is that the visual stimulation is constantly in the family, and men are sexually stimulated visually.

It is also easier for the man to abuse a child in the home than to have an affair outside of the home, with an adult. Most situational sexual offenders prefer to have sex with an adult, but the dynamics in the home and closeness of the vulnerable child, make it more convenient for the abuser.

Children often run around naked and an unbalanced father might think it’s okay to touch the child because the child likes the attention and the touching often feels good. Once a father (or step-father) gets the response of pleasure from his daughter then he might justify his actions because of her enjoyment.

These men usually convince themselves there is nothing wrong with what they are doing, and because of the male sex drive, aggressive tendencies, stress, and emotional needs… the situation then escalates and becomes out of control.

 “In the United States, society’s historical attitude about sexual victimization of children can generally be summed up in one word: denial.”

~Kenneth V. Lanning Former FBI Agent 1

While standing in a bank one day, I saw a man with his little daughter who was waiting in line ahead of me. Her head came exactly to the height of her father’s crotch. I watched as the little girl wanted her father to pay attention to her. She kept hanging on him and pushed her face against his pants. To her it was innocent and non-sexual. The little girl just wanted to be picked up or talked to. Yet I could not help but wonder if the man’s body may have reacted to his daughter putting her face right in the area of his crotch. In a public bank a man can control himself. At home in private, maybe not.

Perpetrators will often convince themselves that what they do is not abusive. They will also try and convince others they did nothing wrong if they are caught. A number of people, including the wives, buy these excuses:

  • She wanted it
  • She didn’t fight me
  • She liked it
  • I needed to teach her about sex
  • I only did it once

https://i1.wp.com/freshfiction.com/images/authors/thumb/15254.jpeg

Registered sex offender, Jake Goldenflame, began sexually molesting his four year-old daughter out of a need for “emotional satisfaction” when his new wife left him for a younger man. At first Goldenflame turned to alcohol and drugs, but says, “Here was a lovely person who cared about me, adored me. I was lonely. I allowed myself to lose track of the fact that she was my daughter. Sexual misconduct followed.” This statement magnifies the deviation of the mind of a sexual abuser. His daughter was four years old and yet he says he “lost track” that she was his daughter. Apparently he had also been confused that she was only four.

Goldenflame gave further testimony of the mind of a predator when he said, “How could I possibly have become involved with a girl not even five years old?” 2 Notice his use of the word “involved” –as if the child was in a consensual sexual relationship with him. He did not say “How could I possibly have sexually molested a four year-old?” Goldenflame’s comments show how sexual degenerates convince themselves that they are not completely at fault, and that the child was a willing participant.

Goldenfame’s story shows how easily a person can turn to their own child. Jake was in a state of self-pity and emotionally depressed when he sexually assaulted his daughter. She loved her father and Jake felt that his daughter would make him feel good about himself.

We are left to wonder: how many other men turn to their children to make themselves feel good?

______________________________________________________

Please note: “Situational” offenders are usually fathers, mothers, and other relatives that end up committing incest upon children who happen to be available because they are family members. Unlike pedophiles and preferential offenders, situational offenders do not have a preference for pre-pubescent children. They are usually not aroused by child pornography but will still sexually abuse a very young child if the conditions allow it.

Preferential offenders deliberately set themselves up to be in a situation with children and are more likely to have multiple victims. At the same time, the two types of abusers can share the same pattern of behavior and motives. Preferential offenders are more likely to be deviant in their behavior and are over twice as likely to have molest only male victims.

If convicted, Jerry Sandusky would be considered a “preferential offender.”

Notes:

1. Child Molesters: A Behavioral Analysis for Law-Enforcement Officers Investigating the Sexual Exploitation of Children by Acquaintance Molesters, Fourth Edition September 2001, Kenneth V. Lanning, Former Supervisory Special Agent Federal Bureau of Investigation, Copyright 2001 National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, page 2

2. Canada’s Independent News Magazine, Candis McLean, Oprah Winfrey Show

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14 Responses to With Enough Stress and Emotional Instability, the Family Unit Can Be a Cocktail For Incest

  1. Christina says:

    We all have our own sick experiences and please be fair when someone expresses their feelings about their personal experience because as survivors of incest we carry so much guilt and pain that we have Been working our whole lives to get rid of,,, my dad has been passed away for 12 years and just recently started haunting my dreams and thoughts… I think it is time for more counselling .. I believe God is helping me in layers because if I dealt with it all at one I would lose it! I was suicidal for years … So I beg you to not correct peoples experience because its not like yours and I say this with a ton of love and no condemnation at all we are survivors of the destruction of incest and I pray for each of your precious wounded hearts all I know is it is a process and I’m 52 ! But I am alive ! And my dad was a violent angry abusive drunk who hated me I thought all men were like him!! But thank to him for one thing he modeled to me what made me sick and I do never let another man treat me bad! He taught me all the red flags to run from! And Praise God I have been married to the love of my life for over 30 years!!!

    • Alethea says:

      Dear Christina,

      You put me in a bit of a predicament when you ask “please be fair when someone expresses their feelings about their personal experience because as survivors”…and to “not correct peoples experience because its not like mine.”

      Love speaks truth to one another. So when people, even survivors of child sexual abuse and incest, comment on my Blog, I am forced by Divine Grace to speak truth to them. I cannot lie to them, or say what will make them feel good — if what makes them feel good will never help them.

      But nothing that you say here is off, or not totally true. I don’t know who would disagree with what you commented, or who would criticize you for it.

      You are so very correct –healing is a very long process, and I am so happy you found a loving man.

  2. SurvivorSunshine says:

    My dad was definitely emotionally weak and insecure, though he put on a bravado of extreme intelligence and arrogance to everyone else. My mom accused him of homosexual tendencies and I think that may have been true to a point. Makes sense why he would target his “little princess” who wouldn’t ever challenge him or make him feel inadequate sexually. I think dominant women, like his own mom and my mom, scared and infuriated him so he had a need to demean and diminish them. However, he doted on my psychopath grandmother and idealized her- though I suspect deep down he hated her with all encompassing rage. That rage was taken out in calculating and well-thought out plans toward my mother and his children. It was also alleged by my mom that he and his mom had an incestuous relationship that created an unhealthy devotion to her. My mom had her own issues with incest by her father and many older brothers. She was the beauty queen in the family and I suspect they had free reign on her until she learned how to fight back. She was the fireball, hellraiser in the family and her rage was well known by anyone who crossed her, including me. After my dad had her and my brother murdered for money, my mom’s family took out all their resentment towards her on me. Now, I have barely any contact with either side of my families. Too sick and twisted.

    • Alethea says:

      “It was also alleged by my mom that he and his mom had an incestuous relationship that created an unhealthy devotion to her.”

      Sunshine, this could be the source of his rage. It’s a rage that a son can’t take out on his mother because she is also sacred to him; so he takes it out on his wife and kids instead.

      • SurvivorSunshine says:

        That’s why I wrote in my comment about my own father-

        “I think dominant women, like his own mom and my mom, scared and infuriated him so he had a need to demean and diminish them. However, he doted on my psychopath grandmother and idealized her- though I suspect deep down he hated her with all encompassing rage. That rage was taken out in calculating and well-thought out plans toward my mother and his children.

        Yes, it explains so many situations where men (or women) terrorize their own families. My ex-husband did it to us before I finally left him. He buried his pain in alcohol and drugs. He was too scared of his stepdad, even though I wholeheartedly supported him when he finally disclosed the sexual abuse.

    • little nel says:

      What a story, Sunshine! You are really a brave woman! How you have been “scapegoated” and bullied by those who choose to remain sick and twisted.

      I too am estranged from my angry twisted “family.” It is hard for me to love them, especially when the denial runs so deep about all the behavior and attitudes.

      I have to take bodyguards with me to visit my mother, who is 86, in the nursing home. She is the only one that I really feel sorry for because she was “scapegoated” and used so many times. I am perplexed as to why she couldn’t stop volunteering for her misery. I think that she was just too afraid of the responses and rejection that she would suffer, and filled with self-doubt.

      Your story has touched my heart, Sunshine.

      • SurvivorSunshine says:

        Thank you, Nel. Everyone who comments on this blog about their experiences is so very brave. We’re doing much better than many survivors because we choose to stand for truth and not let our memories be clouded any longer by denial. I’ve taken all my tragic experiences and realized that it’s a real cycle of abuse and pain but it stops with me and my children. I try to be the best mother I can. I also educate my kids about psychopathy and other personality disorders that run rampant in both my families. And I know one day, whether I write a book or speak about my experiences to other survivors, the light will shine on my people’s dark deeds. It always does, eventually!

  3. Alethea says:

    That’s pretty disgusting. I find that man repulsive. Lifetime? and what achievement? hmmmm…

  4. little nel says:

    Great article, Alethea,

    I would not call an incestuous father “weak.” I would call him “emotionally immature” or “needy”. I saw my father as a man who regressed into a prepubescent boy with adult needs for acceptance, love, sex, and understanding from a little girl who did not intimidate him like an adult.

    It calmed the savage beast in him and gave him a “safe haven” to hide from his fears about his own manhood. My incestuous father needed constant outside validation and proof that he was a real man who could “keep his woman.”

    It was important to him to be an “asshole bully” to defend himself against other asshole bullies from controlling him.

    I think that his “extremes” were the result of denial, just like the FBI agent .

    Without denial, all we have left to feel is guilt and fear.

    • Alethea says:

      “I would not call an incestuous father “weak.” I would call him “emotionally immature” or “needy”. I saw my father as a man who regressed into a prepubescent boy with adult needs for acceptance, love, sex, and understanding from a little girl who did not intimidate him like an adult.”

      I definitely meant emotionally weak, not physically weak. I’ll change that in the article in case it reads wrong to everyone.

      My father was not like yours. Mine was violent and angry. He used his power and control, and used fear and death threats. My father was a tyrant. –Probably why I can’t remember a whole lot about my entire childhood.

      • little nel says:

        My father used to switch back and forth from extreme to extreme. We never knew which “dad” we were dealing with on any given day.

        Mine was violent and angry, used fear, and death threats, was a tyrant also, but when it came to sex with my step-sister he became a lamb. She seemed to sooth his rage for a while.

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