It’s quite possible that a few of my readers have somehow gotten confused about the reasons for my Blog, and why I post what I do.
Let me start by saying that I am not writing this post to convince anyone of anything, to change anyone’s opinion of me, or to gain anyone’s approval.
I used to be a people-pleaser and a victim. I used to care what others think of me, but I have learned that it is people-pleasers, and those who do not wish to see the truth, and people who don’t call it like it is…. who allow evil to exist in this world.
I am writing this post merely to express myself. I repressed my true feelings for over three decades and it literally made me sick. So now, instead of harboring the irritation inside, or superficially “letting it go,” which is one of the biggest jokes of the 21st century, I choose to express myself with my own free will.
The day I began this Blog, I did it to to overpower the constant rapid heart beat, insomnia, and other fear-related symptoms that my father, and his accomplice, instilled into me at an extremely young age. For those who have never been threatened with death, with a knife, by a police-officer father, when they are very little…let me assure you that the trauma is beyond comprehension and can embed itself into every fiber of the child’s mind and body.
And the terror certainly does not just ‘fly out the window’ when the person grows into adulthood.
The day I began this Blog, it was to overpower the threat of secrecy –to defy my family’s code of silence. It was to overpower the “secret keepers,” as I call my biological family, so they would no longer have control over my mind and body.
As my Blog began to progress, I realized that it was one of the best things I have ever done because the rapid heart beat, the shakiness, and the insomnia began to dissipate with each passing word, sentence, and post.
My intention with this Blog was also to slash the lies out there about repressed memories. There is a lot of ignorance, denial, and outright garbage floating around the Internet, and even in some Universities, that represents repression as a myth.
I also wanted to make certain that society gets the fact that child sexual abusers come in all forms. They are police officers, business men, multimillionaires, religious people, nicely dressed people, men, women, married, young, old, sexually active, care-givers, people who give to charities, bikers, hikers, runners, doctors, and even congressmen.
I also wanted a Blog that was quite different from the Blogs and survivor forums on the Internet which cater to victimhood and which don’t offer any real solutions to the numerous and complex issues that survivors of child sexual abuse go through.
Catering to the weakness of others is not in my vocabulary and it never helps anyone to heal.
I am also not one to place the female gender on a higher pedestal than the male gender. Each sex has its strengths and weaknesses. Each has its good and bad. Women are no better than men and vice versa. I am not a feminist and got tired of all the survivor forums where the male bashing is rampant and women are never at fault for anything they do (or don’t do).
This Blog quickly grew into a place where I could say what damn well needs saying. Like the fact that children often want to have sex with their perpetrator, that same-sex child sex abuse can cause a person to be sexually confused, and that many people are angrier with their mother than with their perpetrator.
This Blog was also to bring awareness about the many women who prefer to protect a child abuser than to defend the child. As an adult, when I first told someone about my father, the woman did not say to me “Your father sexually abused you?!” She said, “Your mother didn’t protect you?!”
I also began this Blog in order to help those who have suffered the hell of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. When I began this Blog, I was fully aware of the millions of cases, and knew that, contrary to what doctors have told their patients, THERE IS A CURE.
Then, day after day, and month after month, I began to see that my posts were making a difference for many people and that those who had searched for a place to know they are not alone, had found comfort in my off-the-beaten-path point of view.
I speak for the minority, for the unheard, and for the innocence and well-being of children. I also speak for those who are tired of the fluff and bullshit out there.
And when I get private emails from people who are suffering physically, or in deep psychological pain, and they ask me for help and thank me for what I provide….then that is like Gold to me. That is what drives me to continue, and to be joyful in all that I do with my Blog.
I will never please everyone all of the time, and will probably continue to anger certain people every day. But I don’t care. I am not on the Internet to make friends or to gain sympathy. I am on my Blog to help children, adults, myself…and to speak the truth in the face of a world that caters to ignorance, denial, self-gratification and self-centeredness.
That’s what I love about Europeans, they speak their mind. They don’t worry about offending others.
Some of my readers quote bible passages to me, or mention Jesus. They throw around don’t “judge” like a catch phrase without truly digging into the depths of the word or the meaning behind it. Then they turn into a hypocrite by judging me right back. If people are honest with themselves, they would admit that everyone “judges” people and situations every day.
When Jesus spoke the truth, he was no people-pleaser, or peace-maker. Quite the contrary. Jesus said, “Do not think I come to send peace upon the earth; I came not to send peace, but the sword.” and He meant ‘The Sword of Truth.’ He said, “I came to set a man against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.”
Jesus meant that the truth will come between, even the closest of people, and that the truth must be honored and spread –even in the face of anger and the separation of people from one another.
Jesus said, “he that shall scandalize one of these little ones that believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone should be hanged about his neck, and that he should be drowned in the depth of the sea.” Jesus told the Jews who did not believe what He said, “You are the children of your father the devil, and the desires of your father you will do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and he stood not in TRUTH, because the truth is not in him.”
I am quoting Jesus, not to preach, but to point out that he was not a people-pleaser, and Jesus said what He meant, and meant what He said. If something I say offends an adult or causes them to think that I am “judging” them, then so be it. Because, if what I say helps one child, then don’t ask me for an apology or to stop “judging” because my Blog is not to cater to the adult world –who constantly want to excuse themselves and minimize their actions, and to put children in harm’s way because they cannot crawl out of their own selfishness and weakness of the flesh.