The Crux of the Continuation of Child Sexual Abuse

  • Family members of the victim who say, “If you tell, you will hurt the family.”
  • Family members of the perpetrator and law enforcement who say, “well, the parents say there is no abuse so the child must be lying.”
  • Witnesses who see a child being raped or molested by a family member or a well-respected person, and tell themselves they did not see it.
  • The abusers who say to themselves, “she wanted it,” “he liked it,”….”she doesn’t act like she is harmed, so it must be okay.”
  • Mothers who choose to pretend the abuse is ‘not that harmful’ to the child, so they ignore it.
  • The abusers who then say to themselves, “My wife is silent, so she is giving me the green light to continue.”
  • Mothers who willfully believe the child is the sexual aggressor.
  • Society who wants to think that child sexual abuse is ‘not that bad.’
  • Society and family members of the victims who think child sexual abuse shouldn’t be that difficult to heal, or that if the child shows no real signs of harm, they will be ‘just fine.’
  • Society and family members who tell the adult survivor, “get over it,” “move on with your life,” “don’t allow it to affect you,”….. “why can’t you just ‘let it go?'”
  • Neighbors and members of church groups who say, “Oh, but he is a Christian and he does a lot of good for the community. He is such a nice man. He would never hurt a child.”
  • Neighbors and members of church groups who say, “she could not have sexually abused a child! She is a mother!”
  • Society and family members who say, “We don’t want to hear about that ugly topic. You are ruining our day.”
  • Family members of the adult victim who say, “If you want to talk about this, you are not one of us anymore.”

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19 Responses to The Crux of the Continuation of Child Sexual Abuse

  1. manuela says:

    In order to strengthen what I mentioned already (and totally coincides with your post) I will post a link with a girl who says about the abuse she suffered from her father: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1iUog2lL8k. There are no comments there, but there is another post where people starts to make fun of her. It is truly painful to see how people are so disheartened and sick (and her “father is around”).

    • Alethea says:

      Manuela, I am not going to outright judge her, because I could be wrong, but my first impression of her is that she is lying and I immediately began to sense that she was an actress trying to audition to the world in order to get a job. Then, later in the video, she indeed says she is an actress and mentions that you can check her IMBD page, which is for people in the entertainment industry to list their acting or film credits.

      I am also always suspicious of people who say they are a “good” person. Truly GOOD people do not go around saying how “good” they are.

      I had to stop watching the video half way through because I find it to be fake. That’s my opinion, but I could be wrong.

  2. Nancy says:

    The “mothering” I received from my mother when I was nine years old was a little white pill and, “Oh, Honey, I’m so sorry you were a girl.” Later, when I was an adult in recovery, she told me, “There’s no use in us talking about it. All girls have to go through that.” She was totally out to lunch and my whole family was blind, deaf and dumb.
    I am so impressed and heartened by the women writing here who are believing, supporting, protecting and fighting for their daughters! The road may be rocky, but the truth will win. Love always wins, at the highest levels.
    I have fought like a bear for my daughter and it has made all the difference. We have broken the chain of incest through the lineage, and she is a free spirit. She know I have her back.
    It is so healing for me, to protect her and fight for her in ways that no one did for me. I truly believe that even though abuse is still so prevalent, we are making headway, by keeping it in the public eye, by continuing to do the groundbreaking work.
    I believe that by so many of us survivors staying on track, being true to ourselves and clearing the trauma, we are opening up space for future generations in ways that we won’t necessarily see bear fruit in our lifetimes.
    So keep up the fight, even if you’re not seeing the results your heart desires. With community such as this blog, and support, we are overcoming the toxicities of abuse.

    • Sunshine says:

      Thank you, Nancy, for your post. You are right. We HAVE to continue to fight and it DOES make a difference! My kids make me so proud because they are so aware of the pathologies behind all kind of abuse and can protect themselves. They are also free- spirited but are too self-assured to be easily victimized by a predator. I thank God everyday for giving me the strength to break the sick, distorted cycle I grew up in so they could be SAFE. It will make a difference in future generations that we exposed the TRUTH.

    • Alethea says:

      Awesome comment Nancy. Thank you.

      It is so important for all of us to keep talking about abuse to other people in our lives, even if they were not abused. When I told my neighbor what happened to me, she said, “I had no idea such things like that occurred in families.” What!? Where have you been? Another woman said, “You’re mother didn’t protect you?!” She doesn’t know my mother. Her comment was because she had never heard of mothers that don’t protect their kids.

      Another issue that is vital, is letting people know that children often enjoy/like/desire the sexual abuse, and that some women, like me, wanted to have sex with their own father. Ugly truths need to be spoken because society needs to understand all the dynamics of abuse in order to help children.

      • SurvivorSunshine says:

        Alethea, I wanted to have sex with my father, too. He sexualized me at such an early age that I yearned for him so deeply- like a women in love. The 4 men I can honestly say I’ve loved, especially my ex-husband, reminded me of my father. What’s weird is, he hated I WANTED to sleep in the bed with him. HE had to control the abuse. It was on his terms or nothing. He actually enjoyed rebuffing my advances and my mother’s advances. Now that I think about it, he enjoyed pitting her against her own daughter for his love. He made me the “other” woman in her eyes.Thank you for being brave enough to write that. It is soooooo true!

        • little nel says:

          Nancy, great comments!

        • Alethea says:

          Sunshine,

          I was sexualized as young as three. I also went to my father for the sexual abuse. I wanted it, and went to him at times. My father enjoyed making me out to be the sexual aggressor, especially in front of my mother. I too was “the other woman.”

          Love and hugs to you.
          Alethea

    • little nel says:

      “It is so healing for me, to protect her, and fight for her in ways that no one did for me.”

      I had identical twin daughters and I protected them, nurtured them, taught them, and loved them. I didn’t care if I “offended” anyone in my family by my resolve. (Some members let me know that I was “spoiling” my children and that they would grow up and become “weak” adults.) They were wrong and I knew it.

      I am proud of my daughters and I have lived to see my labors of love bear fruit in their adult lives as responsible, caring, and considerate people without all that “baggage” that I had to carry into adulthood that I was clueless about.

  3. Sunshine says:

    “Society and family members who tell the adult survivor, “get over it,” “move on with your life,” “don’t allow it to affect you,”….. “why can’t you just ‘let it go?’”

    This has been the hardest for me to accept from so-called boyfriends and even my ex-husband, let alone friends and family. NO ONE wants to deal with other people’s pain if they’ve had their own traumatic experiences and I tend to trauma bond with men who do. It is excrutiatingly painful to realize some people just don’t give a shit but claim they “love” you. No. Real love means walking through that pain with that person that’s experienced sexual abuse. However, most of the time we are scapegoated as “troublemakers” or “weak” because they just can’t deal with our pain. Pisses me off but made me lean on MY GOD. Best thing we can all do because I’m always so disappointed in the people around me. I’m working hard to totally sift out these kind of disordered people that actually engage or accept child sexual abuse as the norm BEFORE I let them get close.

  4. little nel says:

    I remember that I was forced to go “live with dad” by my mother.

    “Maybe it will teach you a lesson and you won’t take me for granted” was her verbal reason to me.

    I took her “reasoning” to mean that she knew that my father was a confirmed child abuser and living with him might convince me that she wasn’t as abusive as him, so I would appreciate her more.

    When my aunt called her to come and get me because of my father’s toxic behaviors, my mother didn’t want to know what happened. She said that she knew that it was my fault; so there was no need to elaborate.

    I calmly told her that dad wanted to have sex with me and I refused his demands. She just pretended that she didn’t hear me say it, and kept on talking about what a “strain” I had put on her and how she had to “interrupt” her work routine to “take care of this latest crisis” in my life.

  5. manuela says:

    Well, on my Facebook page i usually put everything that is connected to child abuse (sexual, physical, verbal), abandoned children (yes, in my country there are lots of kids abandoned in hospitals)…and the reaction of my “friends” are: “what’s wrong with you? why do you keep posting things like this? i don’t want to see stuff like this…” and so on.

    And I am sure that all those friends are not child abusers, they just don’t want their course of life to be disturbed with “stuff” like this.
    My rhetoric question pops-up: If “normal” people do not want to hear the ugly truth…who are those that will help the children? The abusers?!?!?

    • Alethea says:

      Manuela, I have the same experience. If I post something on Facebook about helping a child or child abuse issues, there is rarely a response. If one of my friends on Facebook makes a comment like, “Sitting on my porch drinking my morning coffee with my feet up,” they get ten people hitting the “like” button and five comments.

  6. little nel says:

    Hi Michelle,

    I’m sorry that you and your daughter are being abused by the judicial system.

    Can’t your daughter take her own chaperone or monitor with her for the visits? A neutral third party would be a good witness to any abuse. It would be less intimidating for your daughter and validate that she is believed.

  7. Michelle says:

    I have been fighting so hard for my daughter! The judge is giving him unsupervised visits in a public place and my daughters father made a sexual advance to her on the visit! The judge heard and still gave him more unsupervised!!!!!!!!!!! My daughter is losing faith that anyone believes her.

  8. tifed3 says:

    That is exactly what I heard – the common phrase in trying to help my children was “there are red flags” “there are worse cases” “on a scale of 1-5” No one would grasp the concept that this should not be happening to these babies.

    • little nel says:

      “No one would grasp the concept that this should not be happening to these babies.”

      That is why Jerry “the saint” Sandusky was protected by his peers in power. Protecting children was a not a concept that the Penn State leaders could grasp.

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