It’s Okay to Feel Like Shit on Mother’s Day

Today is one of the most difficult days for many people who were sexually, or physically assaulted, by their mother or who were unprotected by a mother who turned her head to her child’s screams, allowed herself to be blind, or who willfully facilitated the sexual abuse of her own child.

Some people feel physically or emotionally ill, on or around, Mother’s Day but don’t even know why because they have blocked out the emotional and traumatic pain of abuse. Others, who remember being abused, feel sick or angry but push it aside and do the ‘nice’ thing by sending flowers to their abuser, or a card. Or they might even make the difficult trip to visit their abuser, or un-protective mother, on Mother’s Day.

I am writing this post to tell my readers that it’s okay to feel like shit on Mother’s Day. It’s okay to feel depressed or angry, or to have physical reactions to Mother’s Day.

Those who have not been abused by their mother, or a mother figure, should never judge someone for their feelings. Many people project the idea of, ‘but she is your mother, you should love her,’ or ‘she did the best she could, you should at least call her,’ or they use religious dogma, ‘you should honor your parents.’

Guilt is a killer. Don’t ever let anyone, or anything, inflict guilt on you for feeling a certain way inside yourself -a way that you cannot help but feel. Honor your inner child. If she reacts badly to Mother’s Day, that’s okay. Honor her feelings. Don’t harbor those negative feelings, but allow yourself to feel them, acknowledge their existence, and then know that you are your own perfect mother now.

“Honor they father and mother” means always speaking the truth to the soul of your parents (with love, in a way that helps them), being grateful to your mother for anything good she has done for you, but not to ignore any abuse or incest…. or total disregard for your safety and well-being.

Honoring your mother can also mean paying homage to Mother Earth, and for Catholics, our true mother is The Holy Virgin.

This morning I woke up and gave thanks to Mother Earth for sustaining my life with all of Her gifts, and to The Holy Virgin Mary, who stayed with Her Son Jesus at the foot of the Cross, when nearly all of His followers fled out of fear. (Saint John and Mary Magdalene also stayed at the Cross). I thanked The Blessed Mother for Her compassion and Grace, and for giving me the most beautiful animals (my dog and two cats) so that I can be the best mother to them.

This is a small section of my book. I wrote this in 2005:

        “On Mother’s Day 2006 I woke up feeling like shit and immediately knew why. I hated Mother’s Day. I grumbled to myself knowing that I would have to face another meaningless conversation with my mother that always ended in my hanging up the phone feeling as though I was a lie to myself.

            So, for the first time in my life, I decided not to call my mother on Mother’s Day. What would be the point? I was certain she had received the flowers and card. I knew it would be the same trivial conversation where she would pretend that she had been such a great mother and was entitled to the phone call. In turn, I would pretend that she deserved the call just because she was my mother.

            I never believed the Mother’s Day cards that told me I was supposed to express to my mother how much she meant to me and how much I appreciated her. Those cards dripped of apple pie bullshit and I always refused to buy one. Instead, every year, I purchased a card for her that had a pretty photo on the front, but was blank inside. It was so important to write what was true to me, and not sign my name to a card that made me want to vomit.

            Mother’s Day, 2005, I looked in the bathroom mirror and thought to myself, why the hell should I call her when this is a day to celebrate mothers and to thank them for the wonderful job they did? My mother didn’t do her job.

            So I wished myself a happy Mother’s Day. I went shopping, treated myself to lunch, and enjoyed a beautiful day.

           Rain fell softly on the roof of my home that night. The drops of water were like a symbolic cleansing.”

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16 Responses to It’s Okay to Feel Like Shit on Mother’s Day

  1. PDD says:

    A article you may find helpful on this topic: http://theawarenesscenter.blogspot.com/2006/04/mothers-day.html

  2. little nel says:

    I can relate all too well with your feelings about Mother’s Day, Alethea.

    Every Mother’s Day was the same old feelings of rejection and invalidation by my mother, but I sent flowers and a card anyway, always hoping for an end to the estrangement that I felt.

    For Mother’s Day in 2012, I went to the nursing home, with my husband and our bodyguard, to a special event for the aged mother’s in the home.

    I mustered up every happy memory of my mother that I could remember, then I gave a speech. I was so overcome with emotion that I could barely finish. All the happy memories centered around HER career and HER dreams.

    Then I reminded myself that I had a “save your own ass” type of therapy that I needed to get back to.

    Her death three weeks later, brought with it , the realization that I had a lot of unfinished business with her in my life.

    Thanks to Dr. Saint-Simone, I was able to resolve those issues with my mother after her death. I was also able to bury some of her ashes, in the grave site, purchased by her father in 1919, and top it with a memorial.

    My siblings could not understand my devotion to a mother that they resented, but I had resolved my feelings of resentment and anger. I had witnessed her sincere desire for forgiveness from a just God, and her desire to have her sins removed by the Son of God, so that she would be counted worthy to go to Heaven.

    • Alethea says:

      God Bless you Little Nel for taking a risk and calling Ysatis. God Bless you for wanting to heal, and for posting this information about her miraculous therapy.

  3. Alethea says:

    Melissa Lee, it is beautiful that you have such a love-bond with your children. Thank you for your wishes. I did have a beautiful day. It was full of gratitude, nature, and my photography.

  4. Marjie says:

    Good for you. I did the same thing just today. I bought myself perfume and treats for my dogs and came home and we opened my mother’s day gifts together. The dogs were just as excited as if they had gone out and purchased the perfume themselves! They are a giant part of my healing. Part of my journey began when I began positive training with my oldest dog.

    • Alethea says:

      Marjie, animals are so beautiful. They are so pure; no lying in them, no betrayal. I could not have healed without them. What a beautiful way to spend your day.

  5. KevinF says:

    Great post, Alethea. You’re right – we do need to free ourselves from these days when society tells us to behave in a predeterrmined way, Christmas is another time when we’re told to play happy families. It’s very difficult to stand up against all this programming and guilt tripping, but it’s so very worth it when we do,

    • Alethea says:

      It is also a battle Kevin because of all the commercials and products that are pushed on people about these holidays.

  6. Patricia ~^^^~ You are not just a mother to your dog and cat ~^^^~ what you do in your writing helps in healing and extends comforting to other women who have experienced similar events in their lives. In the heart-felt comfort, understanding and compassion you extend to them through your gift of expression (all attributes of a “GREAT MOM”), in numerous ways unbeknownst to you directly, you are being the “mother” they never had in their lives while growing into adulthood. Here is what April said above:
    “Anonymous says: May 12, 2013 at 10:14 am —> Just recently found your blog, I can’t tell you how much it has helped me. Thank you! April.”

    Keep up the wonderful work you do bringing these issues into public awareness via social media. Happy Mother’s Day PatriciaMom ~^^^~ HawkEye&Allies~^^^~

    • Alethea says:

      Eagle One, it is for this reason alone that I post these things. If I did not think it was helping others, I would be spending my precious time elsewhere. Thank you for your support. I do appreciate your comments more than you know.

  7. Momless says:

    I do feel like shit for Mother’s Day. Mine never deserved that title. And I don’t plan on calling. But I have always felt guilty for feeling bad on this day. Not today . It’s ok to not be ok.

    • Alethea says:

      Good for you. Guilt can cause psychosomatic symptoms. Conscience that needs to be examined for something we have done wrong is different, and a good thing, but unwarranted guilt is a tough thing to live with, it zaps your joy. Honor your true feelings.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Just recently found your blog, I can’t tell you how much it has helped me. Thank you!
    April

  9. melissa lee says:

    Your right, we should always honor the child within and listen to that child above all else…
    My mother has passed and I stopped calling her years before she died..
    When ever I read the cards my children give me I weep, to see what it is like to have a connection with a mother that I never had, and celebrate that they do….:))))))) Have a great day with your animals and husband and know that there are others out here listening to you and giving great value to what you have to say about incest and neglect… xo Melissa Lee

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