Today is one of the most difficult days for many people who were sexually, or physically assaulted, by their mother or who were unprotected by a mother who turned her head to her child’s screams, allowed herself to be blind, or who willfully facilitated the sexual abuse of her own child.
Some people feel physically or emotionally ill, on or around, Mother’s Day but don’t even know why because they have blocked out the emotional and traumatic pain of abuse. Others, who remember being abused, feel sick or angry but push it aside and do the ‘nice’ thing by sending flowers to their abuser, or a card. Or they might even make the difficult trip to visit their abuser, or un-protective mother, on Mother’s Day.
I am writing this post to tell my readers that it’s okay to feel like shit on Mother’s Day. It’s okay to feel depressed or angry, or to have physical reactions to Mother’s Day.
Those who have not been abused by their mother, or a mother figure, should never judge someone for their feelings. Many people project the idea of, ‘but she is your mother, you should love her,’ or ‘she did the best she could, you should at least call her,’ or they use religious dogma, ‘you should honor your parents.’
Guilt is a killer. Don’t ever let anyone, or anything, inflict guilt on you for feeling a certain way inside yourself -a way that you cannot help but feel. Honor your inner child. If she reacts badly to Mother’s Day, that’s okay. Honor her feelings. Don’t harbor those negative feelings, but allow yourself to feel them, acknowledge their existence, and then know that you are your own perfect mother now.
“Honor they father and mother” means always speaking the truth to the soul of your parents (with love, in a way that helps them), being grateful to your mother for anything good she has done for you, but not to ignore any abuse or incest…. or total disregard for your safety and well-being.
Honoring your mother can also mean paying homage to Mother Earth, and for Catholics, our true mother is The Holy Virgin.
This morning I woke up and gave thanks to Mother Earth for sustaining my life with all of Her gifts, and to The Holy Virgin Mary, who stayed with Her Son Jesus at the foot of the Cross, when nearly all of His followers fled out of fear. (Saint John and Mary Magdalene also stayed at the Cross). I thanked The Blessed Mother for Her compassion and Grace, and for giving me the most beautiful animals (my dog and two cats) so that I can be the best mother to them.
This is a small section of my book. I wrote this in 2005:
“On Mother’s Day 2006 I woke up feeling like shit and immediately knew why. I hated Mother’s Day. I grumbled to myself knowing that I would have to face another meaningless conversation with my mother that always ended in my hanging up the phone feeling as though I was a lie to myself.
So, for the first time in my life, I decided not to call my mother on Mother’s Day. What would be the point? I was certain she had received the flowers and card. I knew it would be the same trivial conversation where she would pretend that she had been such a great mother and was entitled to the phone call. In turn, I would pretend that she deserved the call just because she was my mother.
I never believed the Mother’s Day cards that told me I was supposed to express to my mother how much she meant to me and how much I appreciated her. Those cards dripped of apple pie bullshit and I always refused to buy one. Instead, every year, I purchased a card for her that had a pretty photo on the front, but was blank inside. It was so important to write what was true to me, and not sign my name to a card that made me want to vomit.
Mother’s Day, 2005, I looked in the bathroom mirror and thought to myself, why the hell should I call her when this is a day to celebrate mothers and to thank them for the wonderful job they did? My mother didn’t do her job.
So I wished myself a happy Mother’s Day. I went shopping, treated myself to lunch, and enjoyed a beautiful day.
Rain fell softly on the roof of my home that night. The drops of water were like a symbolic cleansing.”