Ugly -But Healing- Truths About Child Sexual Abuse

“Ariel Castro’s words at his sentencing hearing on Thursday are almost jaw-dropping. Given a chance to speak before he was sentenced to life in prison, plus a thousand years for aggravated murder and for holding three young women captive for 11 years, he repeatedly blamed his victims.

Most of the sex that went on in that house, probably all of it, was consensual,” Castro said. “These allegations about being forceful on them — that is totally wrong. Because there was times where they’d even ask me for sex –many times. And I learned that these girls were not virgins. From their testimony to me, they had multiple partners before me, all three of them.

The denial and rationalization comes as no shock to experts on rape and abuse. In fact, they say, it’s typical that men who rape or batter women will deny they did anything wrong, and even that the victim was “asking for it.”

“I think it’s actually very typical of an abuser,” says Barbara Paradiso, who directs the center on domestic violence at the University of Colorado-Denver.

“There is a widely held belief that women enjoy rape or that it is ‘just sex at the wrong time, in the wrong place’,” Rape Crisis of England and Wales says on its website. “Often when a woman is raped she is afraid that she will be killed – rapists often use the threat of killing a woman or her children to ensure her ‘submission’ and her silence after the attack. Women do not enjoy sexual violence. Victims of murder, robbery and other crimes are never portrayed as enjoying the experience.” ~NBC News

The reason you don’t hear of enjoyment when a victim experiences a robbery or a loved one is murdered, is because they are not crimes that involve human intimacy, hormones, orgasms, and sexual pleasure.

What Castro is describing is that after months or years, sometimes the victim goes to the captor for human closeness, or develops an intimate affection out of a natural desire when there is no one else to fulfill it (like in instances of incest where the mother is cold and impersonal -even resentful- of the child).

Castro is using his crime and excusing his deviancy by taking his victim’s reactions out of context, and he is nearly blaming them.

In cases of incest, the father, step-father, uncle, or brother does the same thing when the child feels she is the ‘girlfriend’ of her perpetrator and can even want to have sex with him.

Not only do I speak from person experience, but I have corresponded with many women who felt the same way. Even adult rape victims have reported sexual stimulation during a rape. The human body is designed to react to touch –even sometimes to violent touch.

Human beings, especially children, have a need for love, attention, and affection. They will often take it any way they can get it –even if that need is fulfilled by a sexual predator. This can cause a deeply embedded “guilt neurosis” in the victim.

Experts would do better by victims, if they openly discussed this and did not allow it to be just one more dirty little secret that victims have to deal with because no body wants to hear about “THAT!” Subsequently, the victim feels isolated, different, and left to try and heal this on their own, or in most cases, never heal at all because their therapist doesn’t dare approach the subject, and does not allow the client to explore their own subconscious mind.

The only reason I was able to discover what I wrote above, and to heal the many physical problems I had connected to this truth, was by entering my subconscious mind and allowing that truth to naturally come up in therapy, from me, from inside my own experience as a child –not from the concepts and societal ‘niceities’ that tell us, ‘don’t you dare say such things!’… ‘It’s not nice to say the victim sometimes wants it, or feels good during the abuse!’… ‘You are hurting victims by making such claims.’ 

Quite the contrary. It is truth which liberates the victim from their self-made prison, not lies.

Yes, the perpetrator is 100% at fault. The child rapist, or the child molester, is the one who manipulated and coerced the child. The predator is the one who holds sole responsibility for the the acts, for the child’s reaction to the abuser, and for the crime. But unless mental health experts, rape and incest counselors, and victims themselves, don’t get honest about the realities of the complicated dynamics of child sexual abuse, then victims will continue to deny those truths, make themselves sick, and never fully heal.

Due to this aspect of rape and child sexual abuse, abusers frequently portray themselves as victims. They justify the abuse because the child’s body responds (or in Castro’s case, the kidnap victim eventually submits to the acts and forms a trauma bond), and eventually the child (or adult in a kidnapping situation) might go for sex with their abuser.

Letting Go of Repressed Guilt Can Set You Free

Letting Go of Repressed Guilt Can Set You Free

But in order to heal this issue, truth is needed. If victims are not told that it’s okay to admit they might have enjoyed some of the abuse, or molestation, and if they are not allowed to grieve that guilt out of their mind and body, then they will always feel there is something wrong with them inside themselves.

I spent years with an unknown feeling inside, an instinctual feeling that there was “something deeply wrong with me.” I had no idea what was wrong with me. It was merely a deep knowing –a strange feeling that something was not okay inside me.

I was not able to expel that wretched feeling until I began to remember, and feel the truths of going to my father for sex, having orgasms with him, and that I enjoyed the attention and felt competitive with my mother.

I needed to feel these realities, release the emotions, and to validate that there was nothing wrong with those feelings. I also needed to fully grasp that, in spite of those feelings, none of the incest was my fault. But this healing work had to be done at the subconscious level. We can walk around all day and consciously tell ourselves we did nothing wrong, that ‘the abuse was not my fault,’ and repeat these mantras over and over. Friends, therapists, ministers, priests, spouses, and incest counselors can tell us for a lifetime that it wasn’t our fault. But if we do not heal this belief at the subconscious level –at the level where the emotional bond to our abuser originally occurred, then we can never fully heal.

People Fear What Lurks in Their Subconscious Mind. If They Only Knew That Facing the Unknown, Can Liberate Them

People Fear What Lurks in Their Subconscious Mind. If They Only Knew That Facing the Unknown Can Liberate Them

It is also very important to speak openly about this subject, because if we do not, victims will develop a guilt neurosis that can cause them a lifetime of physical and psychological problems that will never be addressed.

If victims of rape, kidnapping, and child sexual abuse, who felt pleasure or went to their abusers for more, are not given the truth, or not allowed to remember the truth, they will suffer the rest of their lives with repressed guilt.

I suffered for two decades with repressed guilt. It took me that long to allow myself to fully remember, accept, and to heal the ugly truths.

In order for the soul to heal itself, it needs truth.

The conscious mind hears what it wants to hear, but the soul -the psyche- the SUBCONSCIOUS MIND needs to release its personal truth in order to heal –no matter how uncomfortable that truth might be for the conscious mind, and society, to deal with.

If victims are continually told they must have always hated the abuse, that they never wanted sexual contact, and that they never felt pleasure or a need to be with their abuser, then victims are left with guilt-induced psychological dysfunction and guilt-created psychosomatic symptoms that are life-altering.

Below is a list of the ways in which my guilt over having felt pleasure and orgasms, and intimate contact, with my father had affected my life.

Please note that this is NOT a symptom check-list. This is not a list of symptoms that one should, or can, use to determine if they have repressed guilt like I did. This list is MY experience, my personal list of symptoms and has nothing to do with anyone else.

  • Stomach aches
  • Serious problems with food (which would have been defined as several different “eating disorders.”)
  • Migraine headaches
  • Back pain
  • Chronic fatigue syndrome pain
  • Severe gas pains
  • Self-sabotaging behavior
  • “Accidentally” cutting myself with kitchen utensils and kitchen knives on a regular basis.
  • “Accidentally” banging my head on objects all the time.
  • Fear of having fun.
  • Not allowing myself any pleasure or enjoyment.
  • Sexual dysfunction.
  • Extreme need for attention from men in order to establish my self-worth.
  • Repressed anger over having been cheated into thinking the sexual abuse with my father was “love.”

In my case, my guilt neurosis was magnified with the fact that my mother punished me, not my father, for the incest. There were also incidents of being punished immediately after having felt sexual pleasure with him. This really screwed with my psyche for a long time. As soon as something good or enjoyable ended in my adult life –even something as simple as a good movie coming to an end– I would immediately experience a negative physical reaction. Right after the enjoyment ended, it is as if I was saying, “okay, I’ve had a good time, so now I have to pay for it,” and thus, my unhealed subconscious made me pay with physical suffering.

I also suffered with psychosomatic symptoms because when I became older, and the abuse ended, I was disturbed by that. People need to recognize that many children tell about child sexual abuse because it has ended, not to end the abuse.

Some children tell, only because their abuser has started to molest a younger sibling, and the previous child victim tells someone about the abuse out of jealousy.

I believe that one of the worst violations of child sexual abuse and incest is not the rape of innocence, or the physical violence. It is not the emotional pain of betrayal by a trusted care-giver, or even the death threats and secrecy. For me, the worst part of child sexual abuse is the psychological violation of having confused the child into thinking that the sexual abuse was “love.”

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nbcnews.com

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127 Responses to Ugly -But Healing- Truths About Child Sexual Abuse

  1. Anonymous says:

    I also suffered with psychosomatic symptoms because when I became older, and the abuse ended, I was disturbed by that.
    In November of 1997 I discovered this fact in a very personal sense when I remembered that my father, who was a police officer, sexually abused me, including rape, as a child from age three to at least age ten.

    ———A pedophile is a person 16 years of age or older who is primarily or exclusively sexually attracted to children who have not begun puberty (girls 10 years old or less, and boys 11 year old or less, on average).
    I just felt like adding the definition of pedophile to your writing above for others to see.

  2. anonymous says:

    For me, the worst part of child sexual abuse is the psychological violation of having confused the child into thinking that the sexual abuse was “love.”
    >This was/is the worst part for me too. Well said…..

  3. Little Nel says:

    Hi Jane,

    Thank you for the encouraging words and your kindness to me.
    You are spot on about my issues.
    I am looking forward to ridding myself of this awful crap.

  4. Little Nel says:

    “I hope that you can overcome your hatred/ resentment/ anger for her and heal it with compassion and gratitude that your soul’s journey was not as harsh as hers.”

    Me, too, Alethea.

    What was done to us was a crime and my father knew it. He didn’t care.

    My soul’s journey was more harsh than hers in many ways, Alethea. Carrying hatred, resentment, and anger, like I have/had, is toxic and it goes against everything Holy and just in this life. I know that I am guilty. I know that I cannot be free until I open those wounds and confess those things that I have been silent about.

    I can thank you and Ysatis for this chance to heal those things that were hidden before I came to this blog.

    I am grateful for all you do.

    • Alethea says:

      “Carrying hatred, resentment, and anger, like I have/had, is toxic and it goes against everything Holy and just in this life. I know that I am guilty. I know that I cannot be free until I open those wounds and confess those things that I have been silent about.

      I can thank you and Ysatis for this chance to heal those things that were hidden before I came to this blog.

      I am grateful for all you do.”

      Thank you Little Nel for this beautiful statement. It has made my evening 🙂

    • Think what you want to think. Emotional abusers seek to have their way irrespective of those around them, assuming that their way is “best,” “right,” or simply most convenient for them. Ironically, many people who emotionally abuse enjoy character attacks, ridicule to the most vulnerable or least aggressive. I advice you to do a complete revision of yourself sweety. 🙂

      • Alethea says:

        Cecibel,

        I never said I was fully healed (your FB page comments). I have healed MANY things, and healed the shame and disgust over having gotten attention, affection, and “love” from my abuser. But I am still healing my anger over having been blamed for the abuse, and for the death threats to keep silent...so if you open your mind, you would understand why your comments at my Blog angered me.

        I am not your “sweety.” You are now showing your anger at me, and being so hypocritical it is beyond belief.

      • Bree says:

        Cecibel Contreras,
        Can you please get off this blog and stay off!!! You used the word “sweety” and I am all to familiar with it. It is used when another person is seeking to elevate themselves above another person in PERFORMANCE. You are clearly a person who seeks to compete for worth and value. Please do it elsewhere. I have received much help from most all of what Alethea has wrote on this blog.
        You, on the other hand, have become like your abusers. You are incredibly dysfunctional and unprofessional. If you want to earn your self worth or value do it somewhere else. I like this blog and you are tainting it with evil comments to gain a sense of worth over another person who is more intelligent regards sexual abuse than you are! And bye the way, do not make accusations at a champion for the rights of others (Alethea) if you do not want to be challenged. People like that (or Alethea) have a lot of righteous indignation and you can call it anger if you like. Good Day!

        • mary says:

          That is my biggest pet peeve. Being called “sweety”. It is disrespectful and degrading to the woman you are speaking to, and makes you sound ignorant and is condescending.

          • Grace says:

            Yes Mary I agree…very condescending.

            I think through passive-aggressive use of pet names and “God bless you”s are uncalled for. It has become obvious to me that these tactics are being used to make oneself feel like the bigger person who is approaching conflict with kindness. Cecibel I obviously cannot say “get lost” but please realize if you will that truth sets us free…not pseudo-kindness or ego-pandering.

            • Little Nel says:

              Grace said,

              “please realize if you will that truth sets us free…not pseudo-kindness or ego-pandering.”

              That’s a powerful statement!
              “if you will” clarifies that it is a choice that we make to accept the truth and recover what was lost in childhood.

            • Alethea says:

              Grace, the only thing worse than “God Bless You” in these situations, is, “I’ll pray for you.”

              I always say, “no, please don’t pray for me, because I don’t know what it is you are praying for me about, and it might go against my will, and God’s will too for that matter.”

          • Alethea says:

            Thanks Mary. It is very condescending.

          • Josey says:

            ||||||||| That is my biggest pet peeve. Being called “sweety”.

            This, too, is my pet peeve. I was on a sexual abuse blog and a person called me hun. She then said she was sorry, that masturbation after rape, is such an issue for me. She meant to encourage me, but calling me hun and saying it is such an issue for ME does not help me at all. I know full well that almost everyone raped deals with masturbation AND or desire for sex. I wish people would read so they can be politically correct when talking about rape. Some people sound just purely ignorant and this does nothing but reoffend survivors.

        • Alethea says:

          Bree, you are awesome. Thanks for being courageous enough to voice your words of encouragement for my path in helping others. It’s true, her ego-self was wounded, so she tried to uplift herSELF by trying to bring me down.

          All she succeeded in doing was misleading people, and maybe even lying to herself.

          She put me in touch with my issue of being silenced though. I had a BIG age-regression on Thursday that brought that out.

          Have a beautiful weekend

          🙂

        • Alethea says:

          Actually, I said I would rather hang out with men than women. However, you are a living example of why I prefer the company of animals to humans. Animals are more intelligent, loving, beautiful, and truthful with themselves than any human being I know.

  5. Grace says:

    Dear Alethea,

    It’s so nice to see yet another post that is helping so many people. Your words triggered some more memories and connections that needed to be made and I’m so grateful!

    You mentioned a negative physical reaction after some pleasurable event coming to an end. I’ve experienced something similar. As an older child and adult, I too felt intense reactions to things ending…knowing my family was going home after a get-together, the school year ending, my birthday party ending…things like this. Even a good movie! I remember going to my room and crying when we’d be done with a movie as a family. I’m thinking it was linked to the fact that after being abused by my sister I would often be told to go back to my own room or to shut up if I spoke or had questions. It was sad and confusing to me because I literally felt discarded. As hard as it has been to admit, I wanted to be around my abuser. Sexually and non-sexually as a playmate. I will have to check it out with Ysatis if the over-board connections I had and still struggle with to people and events are linked to that feeling of being discarded. Thank you for sharing YOUR story because it is once again helping many people, myself included, to have strength and courage to examine our own stories.

    I also wanted to mention that the physical reactions of pleasure and wanting to be close to abusers is very common, I believe. Not because I have done loads of research, but just from testimonials I’ve read over the years. Often the abused child’s first exposure to orgasm is with the abuser. Of course this depends on age but imagine a 4 year old (as I was). This was my first time feeling close in that way and you know what? For a long time I struggled with the fact that my body betrayed me. Inside I know the abuse was wrong NOW (at the time I wasn’t so sure). But my body spoke otherwise. It’s taken a lot of work to get to the point where I can understand that the body reacts to touch…and that makes it nothing to be ashamed of. The fact that the body reacts outside our will at times is often used by abusers as guilt-foddering manipulation – “but look at how much you liked it” as Ariel Castro seems to have done.

    I’m sure that sometimes abuse victims know the abuse is wrong. But maybe they still experience orgasm. What would this founder of “united voices” say to this person, I’d like to know. Perhaps she’d say “you knew it wss wrong so how come the orgasm? Maybe you didn’t REALLY want the abuser to leave you alone”. This leads to tremendous pain asking how could I have enjoyed that? Abused people go through this battle on their own in their minds…we really don’t need a masked “helper” or founder of some organization doing it too. It’s destructive to state that those who knew it was wrong screamed and scrubbed filth etc. Not all VOICES experience the same.

    Thank you Alethea. I’m so glad you won’t be silenced.

    • Alethea says:

      “Your words triggered some more memories and connections that needed to be made and I’m so grateful!”

      Grace, you are such a beautiful warrior for truth. Thank you. The truth is hard to accept, difficult to live by, and more difficult to speak in a world where TRUTH IS UNWELCOME.

      But it is THE TRUTH which sets us free from our neurosis and repressed emotional pain.

      Yes, checking in with Ysatis, and then allowing your emotions/memories to come up naturally in therapy regressions will bring you the answers you seek and healing.

      As an adult, my issues with my father manifested into issues with food, and were pretty intense because every time I finished a meal, I was still starving. I was psychologically starving for more “sex” abuse with my father. The sexual abuse was my only form of “nourishment,” and love is nourishment, so food became love for me as an adult.

      “I also wanted to mention that the physical reactions of pleasure and wanting to be close to abusers is very common, I believe. Not because I have done loads of research, but just from testimonials I’ve read over the years. Often the abused child’s first exposure to orgasm is with the abuser.”

      Thank you. Yes, I have read about it, and people have privately emailed me about it after they read my articles on this topic.

      “Inside I know the abuse was wrong NOW (at the time I wasn’t so sure)….”

      That’s right. I did not know any better until I became an adult and began to deal with my illness/memories in therapy. Then I read how many others have experienced the same thing. FBI agent Ken Lanning spoke of his work with children and how many of them have wanted to be with their abuser sexually.

      “Perhaps she’d say “you knew it wss wrong so how come the orgasm? Maybe you didn’t REALLY want the abuser to leave you alone”. This leads to tremendous pain asking how could I have enjoyed that?”

      That pain was once felt by me, and I have healed it Grace. You can too.

      You are correct in saying that the child feels “discarded.” That is exactly how it feels. I felt like a worthless piece of garbage when my father stopped being sexual with me (because I was getting older). I even have a memory of sort of “chasing” him down to initiate sex. He had to slam the bathroom door on me. I was just a child I did not know any better, and HE WAS THE ONE WHO GOT ME INTO IT IN THE FIRST PLACE. So I feel no shame.

      In case my critics missed it, I clearly pointed out what kind of neurosis this repressed guilt can cause. Maybe I need to reiterate that THIS WAS NOT FUN FOR ME AS AN ADULT TO RE-EXPERIENCE THE GUILT IN MY BODY.

      Stomach aches
      Serious problems with food (which would have been defined as several different “eating disorders.”)
      Migraine headaches
      Back pain
      Chronic fatigue syndrome pain
      Severe gas pains
      Self-sabotaging behavior
      “Accidentally” cutting myself with kitchen utensils and kitchen knives on a regular basis.
      “Accidentally” banging my head on objects all the time.
      Fear of having fun.
      Not allowing myself any pleasure or enjoyment.
      Sexual dysfunction.
      Extreme need for attention from men in order to establish my self-worth.
      Repressed anger over having been cheated into thinking the sexual abuse with my father was “love.”

      Please note that this is NOT a symptom check-list. This is not a list of symptoms that one should, or can, use to determine if they have repressed guilt like I did. This list is MY experience, my personal list of symptoms and has nothing to do with anyone else.

      • Grace says:

        Thank you Alethea. I know in my heart it will all be healed …the guilt, shame, and self-hatred…as I continue on this Sacred path!

      • L. Day says:

        I even have a memory of sort of “chasing” him down to initiate sex. He had to slam the bathroom door on me. I was just a child I did not know any better, and HE WAS THE ONE WHO GOT ME INTO IT IN THE FIRST PLACE. So I feel no shame.

        —-I am confounded as to why some survivors can not think outside of the box. The attachment to a rapist has a great deal to do with the type of rapist. The person who sexually assaulted me had 4 or 5 sisters, and he was the youngest child. He had a lot of female characteristics that were uncanny or beyond the ordinary or normal for a male. He would touch my face, with both of his hands, look in my eyes, give good bye kisses, hugs, massages, compliments galore (for example–you have eyebrows like Brooke Shields–don’t ever arch them), and tons of affection that felt very nurturing to my body and soul.

        You described my greatest anger when you said, “Repressed anger over having been cheated into thinking the sexual abuse with my father was “love.” I can now pinpoint what all or most of my anger is about! If people have not encountered a person who is able to trick them or their mind …..they will not understand having felt tremendous sexual pleasure with a rapist. In hindsight, I know that it is not my fault that I was tricked into believing the rape was love. I was child and I thought as a child. I, too, feel no shame.
        As far as chasing the perpetrator down for sex or initiating sex, I recall similar memories.

        • Alethea says:

          L. Day,

          It is also more than feeling cheated. I cannot yet describe the right words. More like a piece of garbage to be flushed down the toilet when they are done with you, but you still have to suffer the humiliation of chasing the perpetrator down, or initiating/NEEDING the sexual abuse.

          It’s deep personal humiliation.

          • L. Day says:

            I can not describe the exact words either. But I felt deeply sad that I had spent all my energy and effort going to be with someone… whom I thought loved me and I was “crushed” to find out he did not. He gave “unrequited love” and this was not what my mind was counting on.
            An unrequited love quote: Quite possibly the worst feeling in the world. When you love someone but they don’t love you back.
            The word you picked —humiliation—is perfect. I looked at an “emotion chart” and this word (humiliation) falls under the emotion shame.
            Here are a few words (connected to shame) that that describe how I felt: ashamed, embarrassed, no good, remorse, rejected, humiliated, mortified, crushed, indignity which means an act that offends against a person’s dignity or self-respect, unworthy, dishonored, and not esteemed or considered of worth and value (to the perpetrator).
            Yep…..These words describe how it felt to find out the sexual contact was not love.

            • Little Nel says:

              “how it felt to find out the sexual contact was not love.”

              L. Day, you have given me some insight into the world of abuse victims who think that the abuser loves them and cares for them then tosses them aside.

              “-humiliation- is perfect.”

              What kind of a savage seduces a vulnerable child knowing that they are going to crush that child when they get bored with them?

              “an act that offends against a person’s dignity or self-respect.”

              What a cruel blow to a child that has to bear that painful loss for a lifetime without some type of therapy or understanding.

              • L.Day says:

                What a cruel blow to a child that has to bear that painful loss for a lifetime without some type of therapy or understanding.

                /////Your words really resonate with me. I have been bearing the painful loss for two decades, without therapy. I am looking forward to starting therapy. The ladies on this blog are my inspiration.

                What kind of a savage seduces a vulnerable child knowing that they are going to crush that child when they get bored with them?
                //////You picked the perfect word. Savage!

    • Little Nel says:

      “that feeling of being discarded”

      I hate to think about all the anger and rage that was connected to “that feeling of being discarded” like an unwanted pet in my teen years. I wanted to get rid of that feeling so badly that I had to prove that I was worth “something” by over-achieving and using my all time favorite tactic of PEOPLE PLEASING.

      It was a never ending job to obtain outside validation and keep those peers in agreement and harmony with me. I think that I took those needs to new levels many times.

      • Grace says:

        Hi Little Nel,

        Yes that need for approval is something I can also relate to. Through deep therapy of the Sacred kind (right, Alethea? :-)), I have slowly been liberating myself from that need to please or be approved of. You will never be yourself when that need is ruling and making all through choices – I am thankful that I’m learning this!

        • Alethea says:

          Grace, when I began the therapy, I was so in need of approval and to be a people-pleaser to get that approval; it was very sad.

          I can say with conviction, that liberating myself from the need to be approved of, liked, cared about, and accepted is an amazing feeling.

  6. You nailed the psychology or what sometimes occur in this victimology which is sometimes unclear to even other victims or bystander’s.

    • Jack Stoskopf says:

      There are some ugly “truths” in here. No 1 being “Some children tell, only because their abuser has started to molest a younger sibling, and the previous child victim tells someone about the abuse out of jealousy.”
      No. 2 being “The reason you don’t hear of enjoyment when a victim experiences a robbery or a loved one is murdered, is because they are not crimes that involve human intimacy, hormones, orgasms, and sexual pleasure.”
      This may be truths for you. For a child to tell of there abuse out of jealousy I something I have never heard before in years of dealing with sexual abuse. I think to suggest telling a person maybe they came forward in telling out of jealousy would be very damaging to that person. Most us us never tell because of guilt, shame and fear but not jealousy. I don’t think I know of one person that would not be repulsed by that suggestion. In the case of incest I think by nature as young boys we fall in love with our mother and as young girls we fall in love with our fathers. When the parent crosses the line and introduces having “sex” it violates our minds, spirit and soul. This abnormal criminal act against us violates more than may be possible to even know. I certainly would not bring jealously as a factor in telling of sexual violation. I believe it is something deeper and of more truth than that. I think it really as simple as knowing in our spirit right from wrong. As for me when i was introduced to incest with my brothers and sister being involved at the age of three or four I knew it was wrong. I knew when I was five being molested by a teen girl something was wrong. I knew when I was being molested by a man from 9 to 14 something was wrong. The last time I was raped at 14 and knew this man had engaged in sex with another young man after me I did not stop the violations to myself out of jealous but because I knew it was wrong and finally found the inner strength to stand up for myself. Not jealousy.
      I will just say I find much amiss here and as for judging you as you may think I will just say I am more than willing to be judged by the same standards which I judge by. You seem very defensive. Think what you may. I read this article and comments over and over and I’m horrified by your approach and attitude of other survivors if they don’t agree with you. I’m glad you have found your truth and healing but I think what you say is very very rare and does not apply for very many of us survivors.

      • Alethea says:

        Dear Jack,

        “For a child to tell of there abuse out of jealousy I something I have never heard before in years of dealing with sexual abuse.”

        Better update and educate yourself a little further…Former FBI agent and expert in the field of child sex crimes, Ken Lanning, has stated that “children sometimes disclose the abuse because the abuse has ended, not to end the abuse.” 1.

        “I think to suggest telling a person maybe they came forward in telling out of jealousy would be very damaging to that person.”

        Excuse me, but I NEVER “suggested” this to ANYONE. It is a fact that this can happen, and I have stated it so that anyone out there who did this as a child, and has felt guilty for it, can be RELIEVED that they are not alone, and do not have to feel shame.

        “I don’t think I know of one person that would not be repulsed by that suggestion.”

        Some people are repulsed by truth, and others are liberated by it. You sound like the people pre-20th century who were repulsed by the subject of incest, and who believed it was “rare.”

        “…I did not stop the violations to myself out of jealous but because I knew it was wrong and finally found the inner strength to stand up for myself. Not jealousy.”

        Well good for you. You are the exception, not the norm (to have found strength to tell I mean).

        “I’m horrified by your approach and attitude of other survivors if they don’t agree with you.”

        Horrifed? Oh come on. That’s a pretty dramatic word to use. I was merely standing up for myself, my experiences, and my right to speak about how her comment made me feel.

        1. Child Molesters: A Behavioral Analysis for Law-Enforcement Officers Investigating the Sexual Exploitation of Children by Acquaintance Molesters, Fourth Edition September 2001, Kenneth V. Lanning, Former Supervisory Special Agent Federal Bureau of Investigation, Copyright 2001 National Center for Missing and Exploited Children,

        • Alethea says:

          Jack,

          I take it you are a part of “Incest Survivors United Voices of America?”

          I saw a post there from yesterday:

          You all know my testimony of my heart. I am amazed daily in telling my story in various venues at the feedback I receive from many. Tell your story, share your passion, and watch what happens. Miracles come from breaking the silence and sharing your story. Peace ~ Michele ~

          I tried to tell my story, share my passion, and break the silence…….look what happened to me. I was shot down by the founder of the organization. If you had any integrity, and cared about incest survivors and victims who want to speak their truth, you would defend my right to talk about uncomfortable experiences. You would would stand up for the children who experienced what I, and many others, did.

          United “Voices” is just a hypocritical organization otherwise.

          I don’t think Cecibel and Sandra, or yourself, truly understand what kind of damage you can do when you try and silence incest survivors.

          ~Alethea

          • Little Nel says:

            “I tried to tell my story, share my passion, and break the silence……look what happened to me.”

            You got bullied, put down, and shamed, Alethea!

            “Voices United” is full of frauds.

            • Star says:

              My favorite quote about rape:
              Rape is the only crime in which the victim becomes the accused.
              – Freda Adler

              I saw a counselor who had a degree in criminal justice. I was interrogated for 3 hours. She tried to place all the blame on me for the rape. Why don’t you remember the rape? etc. etc.

  7. As a child I never sought to have sex with my father because I knew from day one that it was wrong. I was tortured at gunpoint, threaten that he was going to kill my mother, burned and beat each time. This was not enjoyable or pleasurable to me. I remember that immediately after each rape I would always try to scrub off his filth off from my body until I would see blood on my skin. I find it very upsetting for survivors to see this article because we cannot generalize. We must always remember not to compare our trauma with others.We must be compassionate and respectful with people’s feelings.

    Sincerely,
    Cecibel Contreras
    Founder /Advocate/Survivor
    Incest Survivors united Voices of America

    • Alethea says:

      Thank you for your comment.

      Just because you were not conditioned that your sexual abuse was love, does not mean that others were not conditioned this way. A child does not have any understanding of “right and wrong” when they have been groomed by a sexual abuser and hated by their mother.

      Many survivors of sexual abuse have been very happy that I am open and honest about this COMMON experience. I never generalized anything in this article, nor did I say it happens to everyone. You might find it “upsetting” while others might find it liberating that someone has dared to speak the ugly truths that others don’t want to hear.

      If someone did not experience any of the things I wrote about, then they will not be disturbed by this article. They would feel grateful they did not experience this, and they would have empathy for those who did go through this experience. They would not self-aggrandize by saying, “I knew it was wrong from day one.”

      Anyone who is disturbed by the truth needs to check themselves out and find out why they are so disturbed. Look inside yourself and ask yourself what it is that you are truly angry about.

      Alethea

      • Alethea says:

        One more thing…you are from “Incest Survivors United VOICES of America” yet you are trying to silence the experience of myself and many others who have gone through this. It’s not okay to try and suppress uncomfortable truths about incest.

        • Alethea says:

          Cecibel, another thing I want to say is, how dare you judge me? I was a very small child three-five years old when my father began to sexualize me, and my mother never wanted or loved me. How dare you?

          • Alethea, I never tried to judge you in any shape or form and I apologize if you believe this. I’m just stating that not everyone thinks the same as you. I had a very strong response when I posted this article. I have been a fan of your work for a very long time but it is a very difficult topic to address and survivors can get hurt and angry. I wrote to you in very respectful manner because I know how hard you work towards informing our community. I’ve worked many years with survivors and I have knowledge of what your saying but we survivors/advocates need to be compassionate towards one another. Not everyone is ready to open those wounds.Just to let you know your not the only one has endured the evilness of people. I was also abandon by my mother when I was a 6 month old baby and left with my father and his wife. I’ve lived the most horrible tortures. Then I was placed in 7 foster homes which all abused me. I’m not judging you. I don’t have no interest in judging anyone because I’m not God. I’m a humble person and my work and my life is my testimony. Take care!

            • Take a close look at the way you’ve responded and then tell me who is being judgmental or being disrespectful?

              • Alethea says:

                Oh I am well aware of what exactly I got angry about. In knew it the minute I wrote back to you. That’s the beauty of my therapy, I know what my issues are, and I am not afraid to admit to them. You triggered exactly what I worked on this morning in therapy…. being given guilt by my mother and sister for having been sexualized by my father. Your comment that YOU knew your sexual abuse was wrong, and your condemning me about speaking openly about my experience, triggered guilt in me, and because that issue is not fully healed in me, it angered me.

                Nevertheless, it is simply ridiculous to tell me that by SPEAKING MY TRUTH, AND THE TRUTH OF OTHERS, that I am upsetting some people. That is why incest and child sexual abuse continues….“let’s not talk about THAT!”…”You shouldn’t speak ugly truths, you might upset someone.”

              • sandra lawrence says:

                Althea. You do not seem to enjoy all comments,as you say. When you write an article such as the above, you should be open to other peoples comments and views. It should not be a platform for anger to those already in pain. This is not helping.

              • Alethea says:

                My name is ALETHEA.

                Sandra, you are being hypocritical. YOU should be more open to other people’s comments and views…shouldn’t you?

              • Little Nel says:

                Hi Cecibel,

                I am sorry that you had such trauma in your childhood. I can relate to many of your experiences with violence, guns, and torture.

                Many of us have had those experiences, as reminders to keep quiet about the abuse.

                You come off as immature and close minded, like someone who wants to shoot the messenger.

                Please, try to keep an open mind and you will learn and grow as we have.

            • Alethea says:

              Cecibel, No where on this Blog, or in this article, did I say everyone thinks the same as me. Quite the contrary. I have written numerous times that I am on the outside of expected norms, belief systems, and that I differ from many people. I write my articles for myself, and for those who have gone through what I have but are too afraid to speak it.

              “survivors can get hurt and angry.”

              If they do, then they need to heal whatever it is they are hurt or angry about.

              “Not everyone is ready to open those wounds.”

              By writing the article above, I am helping people to come to their own truths about this, and to help them know they are not alone! I am helping them to understand that they are okay…that what they went through is normal and nothing to be ashamed of.

              ~Alethea

              • Samantha says:

                I am helping people to come to their own truths about this, and to help them know they are not alone! I am helping them to understand that they are okay…that what they went through is normal and nothing to be ashamed of.

                Thank You!!!

              • Alethea says:

                Thank you Samantha. NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF…NOTHING.

                Shame on Sandra, Jack, and Cecibel for trying to make us feel ashamed.

                ~Alethea

              • Thanks Alethea for you most interesting blog. I hope healing come to you soon enough and you are able to speak with people without attacking. I never judged you or compared my trauma with anyone. I said that for those who never experienced what you experience it is a very painful and uncomfortable to read this article. I’m not here to offend anyone. If you are writing a blog you must be open to criticism and be able to not reply back without such aggressiveness. Anger is not healing. That’s something that I don’t have against anyone. MAY GOD BLESS YOU. I leave you with a quote that has served me over the years and it might help you. If you are humble, nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know who you are. I’m not affected by your aggressiveness or anyone’s comment because at the end of the day I know who I am. My service to the community has been impeccable for over twenty years and the love and respect is enough to assure me that I’m VICTORIOUS.

              • Alethea says:

                Cecibel,

                You are taking criticism as being “attacked,” and you have behaved in a passive-aggressive manner with me. At least when I criticize, I am not a hypocrite. Saying that YOU KNEW it was wrong, and then condemning me for having a different experience, and for talking about it openly, is judging me.

                “…it is a very painful and uncomfortable to read this article.”

                Why?

                “aggressiveness.”

                You are passive-aggressive Cecibel. Better watch out for that.

                “Anger is not healing.”

                Anger is an emotion. Emotions do not heal anyone. But at least when I get angry, it is in an open way, and not pretending to be righteous while being passive-aggressive. I told you why I was angry, but you won’t come off your stool.

                “MAY GOD BLESS YOU.”

                God has already blessed me a million times. I now Bless God by speaking the truth in order to help others.

                “If you are humble, nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know who you are.”

                Then if you are being touched by my article, you need to humble yourself by asking yourself why you are so disturbed.

                My service to the community has been impeccable for over twenty years and the love and respect is enough to assure me that I’m VICTORIOUS.”

                That’s your ego-self talking. Watch out for that.

                ~Alethea

              • Little Nel says:

                I am helping people to come to their own truths about this, and to help them know they are not alone! I am helping them to understand that they are okay…that what they went through is normal and nothing to be ashamed of.”

                Thank you, what you write is doing good things for me, and is healing salve for the soul and my inner child.

              • Alethea says:

                Thank you Little Nel.

            • Josey says:

              Not everyone is ready to open those wounds.

              Am I missing something? Where is your accountability or personal responsibility? Survivors do not have to read things that they are not ready to read. I go on a website called Pandys.org and whenever something is graphic or detailed regards rape…a message is in color…. saying WARNING TRIGGER: Proceed with caution! Sexual Acts are described.
              It is wrong to blame someone for how you, or another person, may respond to something written about sexual abuse. After all, It is sexual abuse or rape, it is not suppose to sound like a beautiful Cinderella story with a fairy tale ending.
              A great quote: Nothing ever gets healed if you keep it covered up!

              • Alethea says:

                Thanks Josey,

                What people do not understand, is that we put ourselves in situations subconsciously (in other words, on purpose) to put ourselves in touch with our unhealed problems. I could post trigger warnings on everything I think might trigger someone, but it will anyway, and their SC will have them read it anyway…and things that may seem totally benign trigger us more often than known triggers.

                We see, hear, smell, and experience things in our every day life that are triggers. We often don’t know it until later when we realize we have a physical symptom, or are suddenly depressed, or feel blue, or anger has come up. Triggers can be a painting, or the color of someone’s shirt, or a scene in a film. It can be anything and everything.

              • Josey says:

                I could post trigger warnings on everything I think might trigger someone, but it will anyway, and their SC will have them read it anyway…and things that may seem totally benign trigger us more often than known triggers.

                |||||||| Thanks for saying this. I wondered if the trigger warning helped. I saw it (on Pandy’s), and I (sort of) did not want to read the story but I read it anyway. I was curious. You are right…. The trigger warning did not help me. I asked Pandy’s what the warning meant. I was told that it is so that my memories do not get mixed up with someone else’s memories (or vice versa), Especially if I don’t have the memories available yet. Or so that those who are easily triggered by reading that kind of material should be careful reading it.

                Triggers can be a painting, or the color of someone’s shirt, or a scene in a film. It can be anything and everything.
                |||||||This is good to know. I am being triggered to this degree weekly. It looks like I am normal. Thanks.

              • Alethea says:

                The other thing about triggers is they let us know what we need to work on….what we need to heal. It is our soul saying to us, “Hey, this issue is still a problem for me. You need to deal with it.” We cannot keep avoiding our issues by being warned to stay away from them.

                It’s like saying, “don’t look, don’t read, don’t watch, or you might be faced with what you need to face!”

              • Josey says:

                |||||||| The other thing about triggers is they let us know what we need to work on….what we need to heal. It is our soul saying to us, “Hey, this issue is still a problem for me.

                I am so glad to hear this about triggers. I am triggered by many things and I keep avoiding the triggers. I cover up my whole body before going out daily….. I feel safe and secure then. (OR DO I….NO, NOT REALLY)
                It is so easy to just think avoidance and not deal with what is causing the problem. Thanks for breaking this down so survivors can see how ridiculous it is to keep avoiding triggers. I think my inner child is getting the message that everything sensual or even a little bit sexy is bad. Thanks again. It is better to face what I need to face, even if it is difficult and painful. I just took a deep breath; it is not easy to face difficult things.

              • Alethea says:

                Josey,

                You are so welcome 🙂

                “I think my inner child is getting the message that everything sensual or even a little bit sexy is bad.”

                Yes, your inner child might think this way because she is triggered by “forbidden” things. Sensual and sexy is not a bad thing. God made women to be sensual, sexy, FEMININE. It’s okay to dress pretty or to be looked at (admired) by men. THIS IS NOT a bad thing.

                What is “bad” is your inner child’s reaction to so-called “forbidden” things, and your covering yourself is not natural. It might be that you register being looked at by men as something you need to feel guilty about, or need to fear.

                We don’t need to be slutty looking, but being feminine/sexy is beautiful. European women aren’t uptight about dressing beautifully/feminine/sensuous at times…. American women have been conditioned to think this is a “sin.” It’s oppressive.

                ~Alethea

              • Josey says:

                It might be that you register being looked at by men as something you need to feel guilty about, or need to fear. \ | You are right!

                I do feel inside that looking sensual is a sin. ( I feel like dressing like a NUN.) Recovery continues. Thanks for responding.

              • Josey says:

                Yes, your inner child might think this way because she is triggered by “forbidden” things. Sensual and sexy is not a bad thing. \ This is true of my inner child’s thoughts. 100%.

      • Jane says:

        ——They would not self-aggrandize by saying, “I knew it was wrong from day one.”

        I am new to all of this. I just started recovery.
        I did tell my story to a trusted friend…. one time…. and she too said, “I knew it was wrong when my father would touch me, from day one!” I honestly could not understand how she knew. It looks like each case is different. My older sister was sexually assaulted and she did not know it was wrong from day one. She felt that my father loved her and she was special to him. I felt the same way about the person who sexually assaulted me. I did feel some guilt…. when my friend said, I knew from day one it was wrong. I do not anymore!

        Thanks for helping me to understand that some people are conditioned that sexual abuse was love, and others are not conditioned this way.

        • Alethea says:

          Thank you Jane. Thank you. It is vital for survivors and victims to not feel different, embarrassed, told to keep quiet, or told that we reacted in a way that we ‘should have known’ better.

          ~Alethea

          • Sam says:

            Hi Alethea, I have a small question. I was on another blog asking a question about what is good to read when just beginning sexual abuse recovery. I did not want to read things too fast or the wrong things.
            I was told a answer that seemed silly: Anyone who tells a survivor what they should or should not do or read is taking away the control that survivor has over their own healing journey and is doing as much damage as the original abuser/rapist You are the person who knows your circumstances and your abilities best. If you think you should , then that is what you should do. If you think it is futile or unhealthy for you, then you should not do it!
            I grew up with no help or any advice.
            I like hearing someone else’s opinion and making up my own mind. I think they are taking things to a whole new level of ignorance.

            • Alethea says:

              Sam , that comment sounds pretty harsh.

              Are you female? Forgive me, I cannot recall which person you are (Samantha, Sam etc).

              If you are female, I would recommend Marilyn Van Derbur’s book, Miss America By Day, Charles Whitfield’s book Memory and Abuse, and Jennifer Freyd’s book, Betrayal Trauma.

              But I would go with your gut when you look them over. Read the reviews, take a look inside the book at Amazon, or in a bookstore, and trust your gut.

        • Little Nel says:

          Jane said,
          “My older sister was sexually assaulted and she did not know it was wrong from day one. She felt that my father loved her and she was special to him.”

          I had a step-sister who was as clueless as your sister. She thought that all little girls had sex with “daddy” as a normal occurrence. She didn’t even mind it when my father assaulted her in front of me. It made me sick to my stomach.

          • Alethea says:

            “I had a step-sister who was as clueless as your sister. She thought that all little girls had sex with “daddy” as a normal occurrence. She didn’t even mind it when my father assaulted her in front of me. It made me sick to my stomach.”

            Be careful not to judge her Little Nel. I would watch out about using words like “clueless,” sex with “daddy,” and that she made you sick to your stomach. I was once your step-sister. I do not consider myself “clueless” –I was groomed, conditioned, and molded into nothing more than my father’s sexual waste bag. “Sex with daddy” makes it sound pornographic, twisted in the mind of the victim…twisted in a way that the victim is a sex addict. If she made you sick to your stomach, magnify that by 1,000 times, and that is how sick to my stomach I made myself when I began to remember that I did these things with my father.

            ~Alethea

            • Little Nel says:

              Alethea,
              Thanks for the feedback.

              Yes, Alethea, I blamed her for making me feel sick to my stomach. She flaunted and paraded her “specialness” with “daddy” and threw it into my face. She was the “princess” and I was the “throw away orphan” in her world.

              She was always trying to be more “special” than me, so I got even with her for making me feel like shit. I over-achieved in everything, physical appearance, social status, and academic achievement, to make up for the “white trash” behavior and abuse in the home. She had it coming for her arrogant, patronizing, and smug attitude in my passive-agressive emotional state of mind.

              I was born with a keen mind, so I would subtly and covertly set her up for failure. It was easy and she never saw it coming. (To her credit she figured it out after the fact) When she confronted me, I would claim responsibility for it all. It made me feel empowered and more “special” than her. All I had to do was quietly and covertly achieve, while she had to let “daddy” pet and fondle her private parts in the living room while her brothers and sisters watched, so she could continue to feel “special” every time “daddy” had a craving for expressing his sick needs.

              Yes, watching my father and my step-sister actively involved in sexual foreplay, while she undressed herself, then watching them retreat to the master bedroom and locking the door was sickening to me.

              • Alethea says:

                Little Nel,

                I do hope you work with your therapist to rid yourself of this resentment of your sister.

                Peace.
                Alethea

              • Little Nel says:

                “I do hope you work with your therapist to rid your self of this resentment of your sister.”

                You are right on, AGAIN, Alethea.

                I know that I resented her. I know that I came by that resentment for my emotional needs to feel worthy of love and approval.

                My father fed my need to resent her and her need to need him, he pitted us against each other for his own sick pleasure and needs. He used us both. He was incapable of feeling real affection for us, so he kept “stirring the pot” of animosity between us. He got off on it.

                We were both victims of a cunning father. I feared the perp and she loved the perp. I didn’t understand her need to have sex with him back then. I didn’t understand why I was sickened by his behavior and she was his willing accomplice. We were both duped by an evil man.

                I think that the worst part of it all was that I had an uncle who used to defend men like my father in court, so my father knew how to avoid prosecution.

                I was too afraid to resent my father, so I went after step-sister, who was more “vulnerable” and easy to intimidate. I became her tormentor with my father’s approval. He controlled it all. The illusion of control was his reward and it gratified him immensely.

              • Jane says:

                Little Nel….
                I am so glad to be reading your responses.
                When I initially read your response, I had a step-sister who was as clueless as your sister. She thought that all little girls had sex with “daddy” as a normal occurrence. She didn’t even mind it when my father assaulted her in front of me. It made me sick to my stomach.

                I knew that you come from a place of much awareness about sexual abuse and therefore I suspected, when you said step-sister, that there were some legitimate problems with her.
                I wanted to ask, but I did not want to possibly be offensive. I am so glad you have explained what or how you feel. I think you have made a vital step (or beginning) in achieving peace and freedom for yourself. I can identify where you are coming from. This was still your dad and her behavior with him sparked some intense emotions that hurt deeply. Everyone has a little girl inside (or a little girl mindset) that wants to be daddy’s little girl…even if it is not possible due to him being abusive. It seems that your step sister tapped into this dynamic, with her own desire to be daddy’s LIL girl, even if it means being offensive to others or you. She, too, is a victim! I believe you will receive the healing you need.
                You deserve IT, because you are awesome, and a survivor!
                p.s. I have commented on a difficult subject. If anything I said is offensive or insensitive,.I sincerely apologize. I have commented from a place of love and kindness and nothing less..

            • Little Nel says:

              Yes, Alethea, I considered her twisted and pornographic.
              She helped my father obtain other victims, that she recruited, from her close associates at school, in the 7th grade. I know of three others that she lured into my father’s clutches, including a set of identical twin girls who were 12 at the time.

              Did you become a pimp for your father starting in the sixth grade? Did you lure new victims into your home at your father’s request knowing that he wanted to use them for threesome sex? Did your father promise to pay for college tuition in exchange for sex so that he could say it was prostitution on the part of 13 year-old girl?

              Yes, Alethea, I know that she was twisted in her mind when she “flaunted” her sexual prowess with “daddy” and brought home other victims.

              • Little Nel says:

                I remember one school girl telling me that my step-sister asked her to come over to the house for lunch.

                When she arrived my handsome father opened the door with a smile and his usual charming manner. My father chatted and buzzed around her like bee after honey when step-sister left the room to go get something, that is when he confidently made his move and placed his hand on her thigh and oops it slipped.

                She told me that she thought it was no accident or “Oops” so she left the house. She told me that my father had “felt her up” and she would never come over again. I told her that I believed her and that I was sorry it happened. She told me that step-sister set her up and tried to smooth things over but she saw through the ruse.

              • Alethea says:

                “Did you become a pimp for your father starting in the sixth grade? Did you lure new victims into your home at your father’s request knowing that he wanted to use them for threesome sex? Did your father promise to pay for college tuition in exchange for sex so that he could say it was prostitution on the part of 13 year-old girl?”

                No. I hope that one day you can overcome your hatred/resentment/anger for her and heal it with compassion and gratitude that your soul’s journey was not as harsh as hers.

                ~Alethea

            • Jane says:

              It seems that your step sister tapped into this dynamic, with her own desire to be daddy’s LIL girl, even if it means being offensive to others or you. She, too, is a victim!

              She, too, is a victim! Little Nel……I need to re-write this sentence …..She is a victim!
              I have read many of your comments on this blog and you are not a victim …..
              This is just one more hurdle for you to overcome and that’s all.

              • Little Nel says:

                I concur with you, Jane.

                She too is a victim. She is a victim, but that does not heal my emotional memories.

                My memories have been coming back with clarity and emotion recently. I can feel the anger, hatred, and resentment coming up with the memories. I know that I am in need of healing and recovery.

                I also know how much time and effort my step-sister put into luring other girls into my father’s trap. She was a victim who became an accomplice, only she was not an adult, she was 13 at the time.
                It is very hard for me to understand it as she used the same methods of deception as did the perp.

                Deny the sexual abuse, Accuse me of lying and being a trouble maker, and Reverse Victim Order so that she was being victimized by me. I came by my “rage” honestly.

                If you don’t think that this was awful for 14 year-old to bear, in addition to the other abuses, then give it some thought. Pain, pain, and more pain, coupled with confusion, confusion and more confusion. I never had a moments peace or a day without stress back then.

              • Little Nel says:

                “This just one more hurdle for you to overcome and that’s all”

                Thank you, Jane for the vote of confidence.

                I wish that my memories didn’t hurt so much. It is very difficult to give up my “fairy tale lie” that “it wasn’t that bad.” It is very difficult to acknowledge that I didn’t “move on” as well as I thought that I did.

                The realization that I “punished” and blamed step-sister for my father’s evil is not fun to think about, but that is the purpose of deception, to protect the guilty. I protected my father without knowing it with the blessing of my family. How sick is Little Nel?

                I have not had any real awareness of these submerged feelings until lately because the rage is starting to surface and feel uncomfortable. I was successful at hiding Little Nel’s pain for a long time and seems odd that I actually want to rid myself of it, as she believed that it protected her from further damage.

              • Jane says:

                My memories have been coming back with clarity and emotion recently. I can feel the anger, hatred, and resentment coming up with the memories.

                Little Nel, I will be very careful with my words because of the sensitive subject matter (Your sweet innocent Inner Child, Little Nel)
                When I read the above 2 sentences, I became so excited for you. I almost jumped off of my seat. Why? You are on the verge of some major healing that will free even more of Little Nel. I can already see Little Nel running, smiling, joyous, and so full of energy and life (that these people tried to snuff out.) It will be a sweet victory, albeit, arduous and emotionally challenging.
                I look forward to having my memories come back… with the intensity you are getting. I have so much buried pain. This is why I am so excited for you. I pray that you remember to self-soothe Little Nel and you will “come forth” beautifully. I do this with dolls and it works for me. Everyone has something that works for them. I like the name, Little Nel.. for your inner child. I use a couple of names for mine. Take Care

              • Jane says:

                <<<<<<She too is a victim. She is a victim, but that does not heal my emotional memories.

                (Little Nel, I am sorry that I spoke of your step-sister so soon. I think they have harmed you so much, that it is too soon to speak of how wounded and hurt your step sister is. I apologize! I think….. it is just "Little Nel's" time right now. I will forget about your step-sister for now, so you can heal from everything she has been used to do to you. ) I think this is what my inner child would want to hear, Little Nel…….I hope it helps….

                <<<<<<Deny the sexual abuse, Accuse me of lying and being a trouble maker, and Reverse Victim Order so that she was being victimized by me. I came by my “rage” honestly.

                (Little Nel, your rage is understandable and justifiable!) It will go in time!) I promise…..

                <<<<<>>>>>>>>If you don’t think that this was awful for 14 year-old to bear, in addition to the other abuses, then give it some thought.
                • It was (most definitely) awful Little Nel! I read your story. You deserved a beautiful, serene home to grow and blossom in. They did not provide what you needed. They were grossly negligent. I feel indignant or annoyed at this unfair treatment of you.. Little Nel. You deserve the sun, the moon, and the stars and they gave you nothing but (pain, pain, and more pain, coupled with confusion, confusion and more confusion.) Your freedom from this tyranny is coming in. It is too soon too talk forgiveness but it will be so sweet when you arrive at this door to freedom. You will have new glasses to see your step-sister and you will see her much differently. This new vision of her will change you as well! This will probably bring forth tears, as you witness her depravity, on the other side of bitterness. I look forward to your writings about how it feels when the wall of bitterness is torn down. It will be the sweetest victory.
                Truly, Jane

                >>>>>>I wish that my memories didn’t hurt so much. It is very difficult to give up my “fairy tale lie” that “it wasn’t that bad.” It is very difficult to acknowledge that I didn’t “move on” as well as I thought that I did.
                I am not sure if you have high standards for yourself or a little bit of a perfection mindset. “I DO!” It is okay to be human and not move on as well as you thought you did. It is a part of the process. I found out I am not as tough as I thought I was. I am human. My motto was, Forget the past and move on past. I was so disappointed to find out that my motto does not work. I did the best I could, with what I knew at the time. I had no clue I needed to feel and heal! None at all….. Go figure.

                >>>>>>>The realization that I “punished” and blamed step-sister for my father’s evil is not fun to think about, but that is the purpose of deception, to protect the guilty. I protected my father without knowing it with the blessing of my family. How sick is Little Nel?
                Not sick……just an innocent, abused, sweet little child, that used various methods to cope, in a difficult environment, unsuited for “Little Nel’s growth and nourishment.”
                .

              • Jane says:

                >>>>>>>>>>I wish that my memories didn’t hurt so much.
                Little Nel,God hears your wish and he is going to take your pain away.

              • Jane says:

                I found out I am not as tough as I thought I was. I am human. My motto was, Forget the past and move on past.
                —————-A Typo: Forget the Past and move on Fast…was my motto. 🙂

          • Jane says:

            I was groomed, conditioned, and molded into nothing more than my father’s sexual waste bag.
            She didn’t even mind it when my father assaulted her in front of me. It made me sick to my stomach. (This is for sure conditioning. I hate sexual assault and the effects…..

            I have not encountered a tougher subject than sexual abuse. When I first starting looking for a therapist, the ones I spoke with, kept making my story seem like actual sex. They had smirks on their face and said sexual things about the rape. One therapist said, If you liked it, there is nothing wrong with that! She said that, after I told her, I am glad to find out it was sexual assault. I want it (the rape) all erased from my psyche completely. I felt that she was insensitive. Then she said, You know you can’t get your innocence back! I was further hurt and I stopped seeing her. This therapist called herself trained to work with sexual abuse and she couldn’t even read my sexual abuse history due to it being graphic. She said…. she had a sexual assault. I find that hard to believe.

            • Little Nel says:

              “I have not encountered a tougher subject than sexual abuse.”

              I can related to this. I think that most humans have the same problem, also.

              Childhood sexual abuse is a complicated thing, then you add the cover up and all it’s consequences, it becomes sordid, disturbing, and confusing rapidly.

              • Jane says:

                I think that most humans have the same problem, also.
                =I agree totally.

                Childhood sexual abuse is a complicated thing, then you add the cover up and all it’s consequences, it becomes sordid, disturbing, and confusing rapidly.

                =You have summed it up wonderfully. I am thankful for Alethea and her website, which helps me gain greater understanding.

            • Alethea says:

              Jane, some therapists take truths, and twist them into ugly untruths. There is nothing “wrong” with a child going to their perpetrator for more, being sad when it ends, or telling out of jealousy. There is nothing “wrong” with the child’s soul, or their personality. There is nothing “wrong” with them as a human being.

              Society and mental health experts cannot use the word “wrong” with this situation. What is wrong, is a therapist telling their client they felt this way, telling them they might have felt this way, making it into sex with the child, or telling a client, “you can’t get your innocence back!”

              • Jane says:

                Society and mental health experts cannot use the word “wrong” with this situation.
                v. Thank You. I feel liberated! 🙂

                What is wrong, is a therapist telling their client they felt this way, telling them they might have felt this way, making it into sex with the child, or telling a client, “you can’t get your innocence back!” >When she said I could not get my innocence back, I felt she was talking more about her own experience or beliefs.

                THANK YOU SOOOO much Alethea.
                v. I feel very vindicated or set free! This therapist wounded my inner child’s heart and your kind thoughtful words just mended it back up. I left this therapist office, feeling like she poured salt….on my open wounds.

                I will use a phrase that is not true of you, but I like this phrase.
                “You have no idea how much your words mean!”
                Many Thanks. 🙂

              • Jane says:

                or telling out of jealousy.

                What does this mean? Telling a parent, sibling …. I am a bit stumped.

      • sandra lawrence says:

        Anthea, I am not very happy with your reply to the comment from the above, Cecibel Contreras. I feel your article, far from helping abused people it will very likely make them feel further abuse. Since I wrote about my psychological and violent abuse, I have come into contact with many who have suffered incestual abuse. I believe that this kind of abuse goes far deeper and affects their lives, emotions,future relationship, in fact it would affect every aspect of their lives. Your article seems to generalise and I feel it is unfeeling and totally unnecessary. I know that some childen manage to detach themselves from the abuse and manage to go “some place else” in their minds. To suggest that they enjoy the abuse is quite humiliating. You say you are helping people come to terms with their own thruths, well I suggest that you are far from doing that, and your angry responses to an abused person is quite disturbing. The following is a message I received for an abused lady and it says it all.

        (Its no wounder that victims don’t speak up…Most would say that we don’t die from childhood sexual abuse, as my mother told me, “you didn’t die of it then, you want die of it now.” let me tell you something that many today don’t want to face, we do die, we die, emotionally, spiritually, and in many cases physically. We become the walking dead, empty shell people and from there we marry and raise our children…ask yourself what kind of people have you become?)

        • Alethea says:

          Dear Sandra,

          “Anthea,”

          My name is Alethea.

          As I wrote last night in my new article (1), human beings are affected by their own inner workings, NOT by what people write or say to them. If anyone feels “further abused” by me being honest about what some children experience while being sexually abused for years, then that person needs to figure out -do some inner reflection- on what exactly makes them *feel* abused. Is it because they experienced something similar as a child, and have not dealt with it? Because no one who has NOT felt as I did as a child, and who reads that *I* felt this way, and that *others* have felt this way, should feel “abused.”

          “To suggest that they enjoy the abuse is quite humiliating.”

          First off, you are taking the word “enjoy” out of context. I clearly explained what I meant by “enjoy.” Is it Humiliating to you personally? If so, why? If not, then how dare you judge my experience?

          “Its no wounder that victims don’t speak up…….”

          Yes! It’s no wonder that people who experienced what I did don’t speak up! We are condemned for daring to be honest because you and others ‘don’t want to hear about that ugly aspect’ of sexual abuse. You and others judge and condemn me for daring to heal such ugly truths and then for daring to speak about it so that others won’t feel alone. You and others try and silence me by saying, ‘I don’t like the way you responded…blah blah blah…’ Well too bad. It’s how I feel/felt. Nothing I said attacked Cecibel, nor did it personally insult her. You are a hypocrite Sandra. You judge and condemn me for doing exactly what you are doing to me.

          1. Last night’s (new) article: https://ordinaryevil.wordpress.com/2013/08/06/pry-those-wounds-open-the-world-is-rotten-because-of-silence/

          • Alethea says:

            ..and by the way, I experienced deep humiliation when I remembered these truths, and humiliation most of my adult life from my only self–worth coming from sex as a young adult, and from male attention when I got older and got married. The good news is that I have healed the humiliation so that it no longer affects my life.

            I don’t need Sandra to tell me what is humiliating. I am just grateful that I have healed that, and can speak openly about it so that others will KNOW THEY ARE NOT ALONE IN THEIR EXPERIENCE.

            ~Alethea

        • Little Nel says:

          “…ask yourself what kind of people have you become?”

          I am only one person. I am not a group of people.

          I am courageous, I am honest, I am loving, I am caring. I used to have a “wish bone” now I have a backbone.

          I am not perfect but I am still growing and progressing. I owe a lot of my happiness to my relentless quest for truth. I owe a debt of gratitude to Alethea and this blog. It is her earnest desire to help others like me, find balance and peace with my childhood trauma, pain,and shame, so I can be true to my inner child.

          Why should I have to turn my back on my wounded little girl, when she has had so much confusion and anguish? She deserves my co-operation and understanding. I have ignored her in the past and I won’t do that anymore. She deserves a chance to heal, so she doesn’t have to hide anymore.

        • melissa lee says:

          Dear Sandra, It took me 9 years of twice weekly healing sessions to find the ugly truth that the abuse that started when I was under a year old, groomed me for eventually not only as a 10 year old, having sex with my 12 year old sister with him too, but on some level desperate for any attention I could get.. When one has been hated and abandoned by ones mother, and then anally raped by ones father, made to suck his penis as a 10 year old, one starts to believe that this is what love is.. Seduction rape from a father is much different then violent rape, and it is very important that this type of rape is discussed. I know many women that slept with their fathers up into adulthood.. being groomed from infancy, to do so.. THIS IS A VERY UGLY TRUTH… either way we are raped violently or with seduction, it shatters us a a deep level… Melissa Lee

          • Alethea says:

            I can’t add a thing to this comment. Melissa Lee, you are awesome. You spoke the truth here.

    • Js says:

      +I was tortured at gunpoint, threaten that he was going to kill my mother, burned and beat each time. This was not enjoyable or pleasurable to me. I remember that immediately after each rape I would always try to scrub off his filth off from my body until I would see blood on my skin. I find it very upsetting for survivors to see this article because we cannot generalize.

      Cecibel Contreras, no disrespect, But…… Are you really a founder of incest survivors united voices of America? I am only asking because if you really are, I like to think that you would have studied the different types of rapists! That is one of the first things I did upon finding out I have a history of sexual abuse. There are different types of rapists and this has a lot to do with whether the sexual abuse is viewed as love or not (or pleasure) and whether an attachment is formed!!! Some of the types of rapists are: Anger Rapists – Goal to Torture, Anger Excitation (a.k.a. sadistic), Power Reassurance (a.k.a. “gentleman rapist,” opportunity rapist, compensatory) Power Assertive (a.k.a. entitlement, exploitative, can be a “date rapist”). Lastly, You do sound very judgmental (on this blog) of another person’s experience.

      1. I was tortured at gunpoint, threaten that he was going to kill my mother, burned and beat each time.
      2. This was not enjoyable or pleasurable to me.
      We must always remember not to compare our trauma with others. (ISN’T THAT WHAT YOU JUST DID?…..) I am sure often times emotions drive actions or behavior.

      I will not say anything further… out of respect for such a difficult subject.

      • Alethea says:

        “We must always remember not to compare our trauma with others.>> (ISN’T THAT WHAT YOU JUST DID?…..)”

        Thank you JS.

        • Js says:

          I feel your article, far from helping abused people it will very likely make them feel further abuse.

          I know that some children manage to detach themselves from the abuse and manage to go “some place else” in their minds. To suggest that they enjoy the abuse is quite humiliating. You say you are helping people come to terms with their own truths, well I suggest that you are far from doing that, and your angry responses to an abused person is quite disturbing.

          ============================You are welcome.
          In regard to the comments above. Alethea I am glad you have had good therapy and can see through this baloney (or negative comments) on this article. These people are saying and doing so many unhealthy things that it would cause a person to shrink who has not been through your in-depth therapy. Thank you for getting great counseling, so you can speak up for us who can not. The article does not make me feel worse, but better. These people are missing your entire point and making the word ENJOY into something that goes with regular consensual sex. I detached and went elsewhere in my mind, but the perpetrators touch still caused my body to respond as GOD designed it. These people need to do some further counseling for some of the distortions they are doing. I will post a list of the distortions below. Thanks for all you are doing.

          The cognitive distortions listed below are categories of automatic thinking, and are to be distinguished from logical fallacies.[4]

          All-or-nothing thinking: seeing things in black or white as opposed to shades of gray; thinking in terms of false dilemmas. Splitting involves using terms like “always”, “every” or “never” when this is neither true, nor equivalent to the truth.
          Example: A dieter sees eating a bite of ice cream as a total failure that ruined his or her entire diet

          Overgeneralization: Making hasty generalizations from insufficient experiences and evidence.
          Example: A person is lonely and often spends most of her time at home. Her friends sometimes ask her to come out for dinner and meet new people. She feels it is useless to try to meet people. No one really could like her.[5]Mental filter: in the midst of positivity or neutrality, focusing entirely on negative rather than seeing the whole picture
          Example: After receiving comments about a work presentation, a person ignores all of the positive feedback and focuses on the single critical comment

          Disqualifying the positive: positive events are discounted, leaving feelings of inadequacy
          Example: Even when a person does a good job, they deny their success and say it wasn’t that good or impressiveJumping to conclusions: reaching preliminary conclusions (usually negative) from little (if any) evidence. Two specific subtypes are identified:
          Mind reading: Inferring a person’s possible or probable (usually negative) thoughts from their behavior and nonverbal communication; assuming the worst without asking the person.
          Example: A student assumes the readers of their paper have already made up their mind concerning its topic, and therefore writing the paper is a pointless exercise[4]Fortune-telling: predicting negative outcomes of events
          Example: Being convinced of failure before a test

          Magnification and minimization – Giving proportionally greater weight to a perceived failure, weakness or threat, or lesser weight to a perceived success, strength or opportunity, so the weight differs from that assigned to the event or thing by others. This is common enough in the normal population to popularize idioms such as “make a mountain out of a molehill”. In depressed clients, often the positive characteristics of other people are exaggerated and negative characteristics are understated. There is one subtype of magnification:

          Catastrophizing – Giving greater weight to the worst possible outcome, however unlikely, or experiencing a situation as unbearable or impossible when it is just uncomfortable.

          Emotional reasoning: presuming that negative feelings expose the true nature of things, and experiencing reality as a reflection of emotionally linked thoughts
          Example: “I feel (i.e. think that I am) stupid or boring, therefore I must be.”[6] Or, feeling that fear of flying in planes means planes are a very dangerous way to travel. Or, concluding that it’s hopeless to clean one’s house due to being overwhelmed by the prospect of cleaning.[5]Should statements: patterns of moral reasoning based on what a person morally should or ought to do rather than the particular case the person is faced with, or conforming strenuously to ethical categorical imperatives which, by definition, “always apply”. Albert Ellis termed this “masturbation”.
          Example: After a performance, a pianist feels he or she should not have made so many mistakes. Or, while waiting for an appointment, thinking that the service provider should be on time, and feeling bitter and resentful as a result.[5]Labeling and mislabeling: a more severe type of overgeneralization; attaching an irrational label, turning a person into nothing more than their actions. Rather than describing the specific behavior, the person assigns a label to someone or something that implies the character of that person or thing.

          Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that has a strong connotation of a person’s evaluation of the event.
          Example: Instead of believing that you made a mistake, you believe that you are a loser. Or, someone who made a bad first impression is a “jerk”.Personalization – Attribution of personal responsibility (or causal role or blame) for events over which a person has no control.
          Example: A mother whose child is struggling in school blames herself entirely for being a bad mother.

          Blaming: the opposite of personalization; holding other people responsible for the harm they cause, and especially for their intentional or negligent infliction of emotional distress on us.[6]
          Example: a spouse blames their husband or wife entirely for marital problems Fallacy of change – Relying on social control to obtain cooperative actions from another person.[6]

          Always being right – Prioritizing truth or ethics over the feelings of another person.[6]

          • Alethea says:

            Thank you JS. My therapy is certainly not any run-of-the-mill therapy. What I go through in my sessions is needed by the world….sadly, only a few will ever be able to experience it because the therapy is not widely practiced, although various forms of it are utilized.

            Not only did I see through the baloney, but what is sad is that I feel sorry for Cecibel because there is probably a deeper reason why she reacted so negatively to my post. She can tell herself all she wants that she “knew it was wrong” and never had any positive feelings for the abuse or her abuser, but children, before the age of seven do not know right from wrong, and she reacted too strongly to have not been personally affected by my truths.

            “Always being right – Prioritizing truth or ethics over the feelings of another person.”

            Js, here I have to say that truth and being an ethical, moral, person, takes precedence over the feelings of another person. If truth or morals are stood upon at higher ground, the only thing that is being hurt or offended is the ego-self of the other person, and the ego should never be catered to.

            Thank you for all your beautiful comments to me.

            ~Alethea

            • Js says:

              You are welcome….

              I must admit that the conversation between you and Cecibel seemed like a debate. Your rebuttals were awesome. Cecibel started an argument, you followed with a rebuttal, which, plainly put, is the “NO” you’re wrong and this is why! !

              Thanks for knocking it out of the ballpark for all survivors of sexual assault. (Obviously…You won the DEBATE……BUT….. I am sure the win is bittersweet, because you are SUCH a caring person who saw through her B.S. and into her wounds within!!!

              ——————–“She can tell herself all she wants that she “knew it was wrong” and never had any positive feelings for the abuse or her abuser, but children, before the age of seven do not know right from wrong, and she reacted too strongly to have not been personally affected by my truths.”

              I agree with you totally. Her reaction was “NOT” much ado about nothing! I think her overreaction to your blog post shouldn’t have caused so much trouble. I hope she goes in depth and understands what all her hostility is about: (maybe) positive feelings for the abuse or her abuser. I am glad to have your blog so I can know it is okay to admit to uncomfortable truths and actually get better. I, too, had positive feelings for the sexual abuser as a child> It’s okay and I am okay!

              Great Insight ..as usual… Great Blog….

              • Alethea says:

                Thank you JS. I only get my insight because of all the hard work I do in therapy. I have lived all the things that I see in others. I have learned the hard lessons and when I see others doing things that I have done, I try to help them. Truth goes into the brain, even if it is rejected by the person’s conscious mind –the conscious mind tries to defend itself.

              • Js says:

                $$ I only get my insight because of all the hard work I do in therapy. I have lived all the things that I see in others. I have learned the hard lessons and when I see others doing things that I have done, I try to help them.

                There is so much beauty in what you have said Alethea. This is truly why we are here on the earth. I am very glad you are getting the opportunity to live out your purpose. Many people never even get close to doing this.
                Your suffering was not in vain….. As you get to see others benefit from what you have been healed of & learned on your journey. We can not trade lives with someone else, so why not journey to the other side of the suffering and help others get there as well. You inspire me. I looking forward to living out my true destiny. Thanks for doing all the hard work. Your knowledge of sexual abuse is extraordinary or unusually great. 🙂

                p.s. Why not write some sexual abuse recovery books. Most of them are not even close to being as informative as what you write. I am not pulling your leg or making this up. 🙂

                the conscious mind tries to defend itself. $ I now understand what Cecibel was doing. I felt compassion for her. She tried so hard to defend herself and failed miserably.

              • Alethea says:

                Js, you are awesome.

                Yes, to look at Cecibel’s reaction with compassion is our ultimate goal.

                I want to thank you for your comment here. This is very inspiring to me. I have actually nearly completed a book manuscript but I got stuck a few months back when I began to deal with some heavy issues of guilt and fear. I hope, by God’s Grace, to finish the manuscript and still have it published. It’s in my desire to do so, but in God’s hands right now.

                Have a beautiful day.

                ~Alethea

              • Alethea says:

                Dear Js,

                “Your suffering was not in vain….. As you get to see others benefit from what you have been healed of & learned on your journey.”

                Yes, I have never felt it was for nothing. I have always realized that there was a Divine purpose, and trust in God’s Hand to have given me what my soul needed. I know that I have been able to help a number of people on my Blog, and the people who now see my therapist because of my Blog. My husband, and a personal friend of mine also see my therapist.

                I am grateful for all my suffering because I know that it is leading me to transformation, good health, inner peace, true joy, and a unity with God.

                My knowledge comes from my therapist, and my experience with going inside my own subconscious mind. I am just grateful that I have lived it so that I can be free.

              • Js says:

                I hope, by God’s Grace, to finish the manuscript and still have it published.

                Great! I am excited to hear this. I hope to purchase it on Amazon or elsewhere. Have a great day. 🙂

              • Js says:

                I am grateful for all my suffering because I know that it is leading me to transformation, good health, inner peace, true joy, and a unity with God.
                * This is so wonderful to read.
                I’m noticing that my suffering is causing me to change into a very healthy person who is not like the norm. Who knew suffering could produce so many great benefits?

                My knowledge comes from my therapist, and my experience with going inside my own subconscious mind.
                *This is good to know. Your knowledge is so extensive that I was beginning to think you were Albert Einstein or you were born with great genius? 🙂 I am not saying your mind is not super duper smart; I am just saying that when the subject is yourself, it is difficult to draw right conclusions. I am glad your therapist has helped you hone the skill of going inside of your subconscious mind.

              • Alethea says:

                Hi JS,

                It is often those who suffer the most, who gain more in the end. Those who suffer the most are usually the most grateful to God/for God when they are healed. Suffering is meant to lead to transformation. Sadly, there is insufficient help in our world for this to take place for most people.

                ~Alethea

            • Jill Scott says:

              sadly, only a few will ever be able to experience it because the therapy is not widely practiced, although various forms of it are utilized.

              Is your therapy similar to Primal Therapy (Arthor Janov)? This type of therapy is not very economical at all.

              • Alethea says:

                Hi Jill.

                Although I have not had the time to study Janov’s therapy in depth, I know that it is similar to what my therapist does, but my therapist told me once that the Primal Scream therapy can be pretty traumatic and might cause the client some harm. Janov’s Primal Scream therapy is, I believe, a rapid way of getting to the root, but when one uses the rapid approach, one can cause themselves more harm than good. In early practice of hypno-therapy, they used to scare the client into remembering the root traumatic incident, and this used to make the patient go crazy.

                My therapy is slow, but gentle. It allows the client to remember on their own, in their own time..…GENTLY.
                I know from personal experience that I sure as hell do not want to be re-traumatized, and I have NEVER been with this therapy.

                What my therapist charges is miniscule compared to Janov, who has made a name for himself and may have gotten too big because of the money? I don’t know. I cannot judge him or his motives. But money can take over a person’s intentions. My therapist has NEVER done it for the money. But she does require payment and dedication by the client. She has given away her services in the past and the person did not even thank her.

                I have found in my own life, that when I give valuable things away to people, they do not appreciate it, or respect me.

                The other thing about my therapy is that it is of God. This therapy heals people in miraculous ways. I once had a dream during my intense recovery. It was the voice of my soul. It said, “true healing cannot be done without God.” and that was it, I woke up. It was just a voice. It was saying that without God, a person cannot truly heal in a liberating, dynamic way that heals the mind, body and soul….and that true healing is of God. It is God within us that heals us.

              • Jill Scott says:

                {Although I have not had the time to study Janov’s therapy in depth, I know that it is similar to what my therapist does, but my therapist told me once that the Primal Scream therapy can be pretty traumatic and can cause the client some serious
                harm.}

                Alethea, You have said many things that resonate deeply in my heart.
                You mentioned Janov’s Primal Scream therapy doing more harm than good. This is the conclusion I have come to. I have read several of his books and a few reviews of his work. I, too, came to believe that the therapy is too intense and he seeks to get results too fast. I found out how much it costs and I was astounded. I concluded that he is more about making himself rich than helping others! It sounds like your therapist has a heart of gold or is genuinely kind, compassionate and always willing to help other people. I abhor people who seek money or prestige at the expense of those who are hurting or suffering. When this happens, it is a given that their name (or fame) will become bigger than their cause!
                It said, “true healing cannot be done without God.” I agree wholeheartedly!

                Alethea, This is the fee schedule I was emailed 1 year ago:
                (1 week of 5 individual sessions for $2,400 dollars……Wow!…..That is very exhorbitant!!!

                Initial Intake Interview: $ 215 Via Skype or in person :
                Three Week Intensive: $ 6,950 including:
                – 15 individual open-ended sessions with a primary therapist,
                – All vital signs monitored before and after each session,
                – Any groups recommended by your therapist, and reviews of sessions.
                Optional Fourth Week Intensive: $ 1,850
                Following the Three/Four Week Intensive:
                – Individual Sessions: $ 130/per hour;
                – Group Sessions: $ 100/per group.
                Week of individual therapy: $ 2,400 including:
                – 5 individual open-ended sessions and a group.
                Fees are subject to change without notice.

                Thanks for answering my question. Have a great day.

              • Alethea says:

                You’re welcome. Those fees are unbelievable!

              • Jill Scott says:

                = Those fees are unbelievable!

                I concur! Have a great week. 🙂

  8. Thank you for posting about such a difficult topic.

  9. melissa lee says:

    Your story is mine too, and often the story of the clients I see…
    I often used pain as protecting.. Pain being easier to handle than the feelings one felt during and after abuses… So, happy you are talking about the deep level of healing that needs to be address in order to transform all that gets stuck in us from those formative years, when we learned that “abuse was better than nothing”… The need of the child to have attention and touch is natural and normal.. We were basically in a War Zone as children, and as adults to heal one must go deep enough to the place the “inter child” resides and work in the place she lives. Most do not want to do this type of work, as one feels often like one is going to die, if they see the truth and the shame around their need for touch and the self betrayal ones goes thru to do what ever the rapist want’s in order for them to feel some connection… Most will leave just as they touch the first repressed memories.. But, my message is to find someone skilled in doing this with you to help you get thru those intense times in your healing process.. Finally someone brave enough to start the talk…. I look forward to your post and put them on my facebook page, I encourage others to do the same… Melissa Lee

  10. L.Day says:

    “Accidentally” cutting myself with kitchen utensils and kitchen knives on a regular basis.

    I have been accidentally cutting myself; I thought it was due to an overload of repressed emotions. I am glad to know it is connected to guilt over having felt pleasure from orgasms, and intimate contact. It is very helpful to understand why I accidentally hurt myself. I usually feel anger at the rapist, when this (cutting) has happened. I look forward to having this guilt healed on a subconscious level. Thanks

    • Alethea says:

      Hi L. Day,

      Just remember that each person is unique. Just because my accidental cutting of myself was connected to the guilt system, it does not mean that your experience with accidents is connected to the same thing. We need to go inside our subconscious mind to find out why we do things.

      ~Alethea

    • Gail says:

      Sounds like self-contempt to me. SI or self injury or being hard on ones self or ones own worst critic or enemy is usually related to self contempt. Someone must be punished, so we punish ourselves. The SA book and workbook that mentions this is called The Wounded Heart: Hope for victims of childhood sexual abuse By Dr Dan B. Allender

      • Alethea says:

        Self-contempt in sexually abused children stems from a guilt neurosis embedded in the child/adult’s mind. Lack of self-worth, extreme guilt, embarrassment, deep shame, and feeling as if one’s sexuality is all they are good for can all be linked to self-contempt in abuse victims/survivors –which leads to self-punishment…

        • Gail says:

          Hi Alethea,
          I like what you wrote. The book I am reading does not explain it as profoundly as you did in a few sentences. I will post what you wrote on a sexual abuse blog for survivors. Hope this is okay. This information can be very helpful to survivors. I know an acquaintance who said that her only use was sex. I didn’t know that this can be due to self-contempt too. Thanks a lot.

        • Gail says:

          What can be done to destroy the “guilt neurosis” embedded in the child/adult’s mind?

  11. Lull LTD says:

    >We can walk around all day and consciously tell ourselves we did nothing wrong, that ‘the abuse was not my fault,’ and repeat these mantras over and over.
    >For me, the worst part of child sexual abuse is the psychological violation of having confused the child into thinking that the sexual abuse was “love.”

    The information you have written is extremely helpful to me! I have been trying to push the guilt (for sexual stimulation during rape and enjoyment) away for some time. I wrote a graphic letter 5 years ago that described how I felt when the rapist touched me. I felt that he was healing all of my pain and inner turmoil every time he touched me. I became addicted to his touch and went to the rapist on a daily basis; although I have no memory of even walking up to this room or knocking on the door. I sort of knew he was not good for me, but I began to want him to touch me anyhow. I did not care; I craved him and I thought of him obsessively! My needs for touch, love and attention, were so great, they outweighed my need for safety. It is difficult to admit these thoughts & feelings, but liberating. I, too, thought the sexual abuse was love. I tell myself over and over again that it was not love. Touch is not Love. This has been painful for my inner child to accept!

    • Lull LTD says:

      I am helping people to come to their own truths about this, and to help them know they are not alone! I am helping them to understand that they are okay…that what they went through is normal and nothing to be ashamed of.

      “Thank You” What I went through is normal and I am not ashamed of it! The shame belongs to the rapist….

      • Alethea says:

        Yep, normal and COMMON Lull.

        Psychologists know it, sex crimes experts know it. The public just does not want to hear it, and thus, victims are given the message, “you should not have felt that way, there is something wrong with you.”

        • Little Nel says:

          “Victims are given the message, “you should have not felt that way, there is something wrong with you”

          Well yeah, it’s the standard response from someone who is offended by hearing about the sordid details from victims to shut them up.

        • Lull LTD says:

          A gain: I am walking around less shameful after reading Ugly but healing truths about sexual abuse! I am much lighter on my bathroom scale. Shame weighs a lot more than flesh and bone! I think hearing you say normal and COMMON was considerably helpful. thanks Alethea

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