The Ugly, Hidden Subject That No One Dares To Mention (Except Me)

Over the next few days or so, I am going to re-post old articles that I feel are significant enough to re-post, sometimes, under a new title.

By doing this, I hope to help those who are new to my Blog.

Feel free to comment on the article even if you have commented under the older version.

This article was originally published as “The Profound, Life-Changing Affects of That Damn Taboo Subject”

It was many years ago when I first remembered that, during the sexual abuse, I wanted to be sexual with my father. When these memories surfaced, I felt a powerful need to visit Internet message boards for abuse survivors. I desperately needed to discuss my feelings with the only people in the world who would understand.

In doing so, I unwittingly affected people who had not yet gotten in touch with their own memories of pleasure. One woman wrote to me that her gut was churning, she became dizzy, her knees buckled, and her blood felt like jelly when she saw my words on the computer screen.

Another female survivor read my posting and then completely blocked out the fact that she had ever seen the message. She later posted that immediately after reading my comment, she left her house and relentlessly drove herself into destructive and dangerous behaviors, but she somehow managed to stop and return home. It was not until this woman returned home and re-read my message on her computer that she was reminded of having previously read my earlier posting. My words clearly held personally painful emotions for her, enough for her to dissociate from them and be driven to act out.

Whether conscious or unconscious, denying any enjoyment in the touching or intercourse is common. Some people are unwilling to accept that any pleasure was experienced with their abuser, because they fear it would mean they were culpable in the abuse. The denial might also be rooted in embarrassment or deep humiliation.

It is even common for adult survivors to become stimulated by reading about incest or by watching certain scenes in movies. I am not referring to children being hurt or assaulted. I am referring to scenes or images with a father and daughter, where the young girl is not being traumatized, or depictions of brother-sister incest where both are willing participants.

Even research information in academic books can create arousal that is unexpected and unwanted. A person who was abused violently might also be sexually turned on by violent sexual acts. Some child sexual abuse survivors and adult rape victims might even be stimulated sexually by scenes of rape.

Some survivors feel no pleasure at all by images, or from reading resource material about abuse. Some abuse and rape victims feel nothing but repulsion. But no one’s reaction is ‘normal or abnormal.’ Each abuse experience and each soul is different. There is no ‘right or wrong’ way to have felt during the acts of sexual abuse. For adult survivors, there is no ‘right or wrong’ way of reacting to images of molestation or rape.

For some people, sexual arousal comes in their sleep. Many previous victims of child sexual abuse will awaken to orgasms, or pelvic thrusting.  Some survivors will experience sexual stimulation during the day, at seemingly strange times, and the trigger can be completely unknown. All of these things are natural and happen to countless people who were once abused as children.

The mind of victims is often conditioned to enjoy the abuse, thus, the adult survivor might experience unwanted arousal. This is understandable, natural, and nothing to be ashamed of. But this problem must be healed because it is unhealthy, stress-inducing, and can create problems inside a person and affect their relationships. Guilt and shame induced by sexual arousal can also cause some serious rage in a person. It can even remain repressed rage and cause someone to snap at another person, inflict self-harm, or create ugly emotional outbursts.

This aspect of child sexual abuse can also lead many people down the road to having extra-marital affairs.

When the perpetrator was a person of the same sex, another perfectly common bodily reaction, is for the adult survivor to be stimulated by someone of the same gender. If a male child is sexually stimulated by a male adult, and especially if it is their first sexual experience, there is a significant chance that as an adult, they might become aroused by a man.

As I have previously written in another article, some people can become gay or lesbian because of a sexually abusive experience in childhood. This is a fact, not a condemnation. It is a fact that natural body energies can create this situation. The human brain is designed in such a way that even if a child is sexually abused with a door knob, then a door knob might become an object of arousal for the adult survivor. This is just simple physiological science.

People who have been abused by a perpetrator of the same gender could be aroused by the same sex and think they are gay, but the abuse could be responsible for creating the conflict inside them. Common sense tells us that being sexually abused can contribute to a person’s inclination towards becoming gay or lesbian as an adult. Sometimes women become lesbians because they were terribly sexually abused by a man. Their hatred of the male sex organs and male energy can cause them to prefer women as an intimate partner.

Other child sexual abuse survivors don’t know what or who they want sexually. They might become bi-sexual, or they can be so sexually confused that they choose to deny, ignore, and reject any kind of romantic relationship.

For other people, being victimized by a person of the same-sex can create fear that they are gay or lesbian if they admit to feeling pleasure with their abuser. They might grow with a hatred of homosexuals, or experience a strong negative reaction to any photos, films, or literature which depict people of the same-sex engaging in erotic positions or kissing. I want to stress that there is nothing wrong with an abuse survivor who feels angry or violated by these images.

Survivors who had their bodies invaded by an adult of the same-sex might be harboring conscious or unconscious pain that shows itself when they see any reminder of their sexually abusive experience. Sexual abuse perpetrated by someone of the same sex is usually much more devastating to the victim. Same-sex child molestation creates deep confusion and severe rage in a child because the child instinctually knows it is aberrant. A person wants to be able to have a choice about their body and who they are stimulated by, not forced into enjoying something that is objectionable to their true nature or their very soul.

People who were sexually abused by priests, ministers, and rabbis also have an incredibly hard road. I have deep sympathy for them and I feel compassion in particular for men who were abused by adult males who represented God.

Male victims of male clergy often felt pleasure in the acts. Many children and adult survivors suffer the added torment of feeling guilt and shame over having “seduced” a priest. They might even blame themselves for “causing” the priest to break his vows. The priest might have instilled this thought into the victim, or the child might come up with the idea on their own. However false it is, the adult survivor who felt this way as a child will assuredly develop severe psychological disturbances and behaviors because of their guilt and shame.

I would also like to acknowledge the pain of women who have experienced sexual abuse by a nun, a female minister, or female rabbi. This is a virtually unspoken subject, one that is under-reported because of the deep denial that often prevails over the victim’s voice.

Guilt and humiliation is profoundly powerful in people who experienced any sexual gratification from an adult of the same sex. This is magnified ten-fold when the molester was a parent. I am certain there are more women who have been sexually abused by their mothers than we will ever know, because few women want to admit to being touched or penetrated sexually by their mothers, or even worse, having performed oral sex on the mother, or having kissed her or her breasts.

The vast majority of men who have been sexually assaulted by their father, or another male relative, are also not reporting it. Few men want to openly admit and speak about having been forced into sex with their own father, or a brother, and they will be far less inclined to deal with any feelings of pleasure during the abuse.

People who are molested by their same-sex parent are also more likely to conceal it from themselves. Undoubtedly, there are an unknown number of people who have dissociative amnesia (repressed memories) for this kind of incest.

One can only imagine the depth of emotional chaos and rage that a child and adult survivor experience if the parent of the same sex created sexual pleasure in their victim.

Experiencing orgasms with my father had filled my life with deep shame, self-denial, and self-hatred. One woman relayed to me that the only orgasm she has ever experienced was with her step-father. Several women have admitted to having sexual affairs with their fathers, well into adulthood. They describe feelings of joy and extreme contentment with the intercourse—even to the point of not having an intimate relationship with other adults because they remain romantically in love with their father. One woman had a “sexual relationship” with her father that began at age seven and it did not end until she was eighteen.

If my father did not die when I was twelve, I too might have continued in a sexual relationship with him –out of conditioning, not my own will.

Some of the most serious and painful physical afflictions I endured as an adult, were directly linked to this aspect of the incest, including migraine headaches. I am making this clear, so that no perpetrator gets it into their sick and twisted mind, that the child enjoys being sexually abused.

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14 Responses to The Ugly, Hidden Subject That No One Dares To Mention (Except Me)

  1. Kayla says:

    1st- I wanted to thank you for being brave enough to try and bring more light to this issue. You are right, the lack of information or acknowledgement of this on the internet can lead others to believe that they are the “only ones” or freaks.
    But, I think that when you started to talk about people becoming gay, you contradicted the original argument that I think you wanted to bring up. There is a difference between pleasurable physical sensation and sexuality. The abuse related sexual fantasies, ect, are symptoms of the abuse and do not reflect an individuals original, non-coerced sexual preference
    Although I should just leave this alone, because I usually dont see the need to criticize people on the internet, let alone a fellow survivor…I did think it was important to say that the original theory about child sexual abuse ‘making’ someone gay has been discredited.
    I wanted to bring this up because this is a very hard issue (that can cause a lot of shame and confusion) for gay people who have been abused as a child, wondering if they are gay because of what happened.
    Figuring out ones sexuality can be very confusing and child sexual abuse can add to this confusion as well, but after some of these issues are worked through in therapy, it can become easier to recognize who YOU are and what YOU want, instead of the abuse defining the person.

    • Alethea says:

      Dear Kayla,

      Thank you for your comment. It came at the exact right moment in time for me because I was just beginning to think about my book and how much I want to get honest in it.

      One of the aspects of being sexually abused by your mother, or sister, and having taken pleasure in it (or having been pleasured by it), is that it can indeed create sexual confusion. I know who I am. I have always known I am heterosexual and want to be with men, but there are many confused people, who are simply turned on by an image of a person of the same sex (because of child sexual abuse) and think they are gay.

      Each person is unique and no one can say one way or another, that any given person might or might not be gay because of child sexual abuse.

      I don’t know where you get the idea that “child sexual abuse ‘making’ someone gay has been discredited.” There is no such information like that because it is an erroneous statement. People need to go within themselves –within their own mind and discover on their own– through personal introspection in the subconscious mind in order to know how and what made them think they are gay.

      Sometimes it is other external influences that can create the confusion, or cause someone to engage in gay relationships, but did you read Grace’s story? https://ordinaryevil.wordpress.com/the-story-of-grace-one-womans-inner-journey-from-sexual-confusion-towards-liberation/

      I don’t know why you call it criticism to speak your mind, or that you should refrain from speaking up to someone who was sexually abused if you want to disagree with them. If you feel something is incorrect, you should say it. You may be right or wrong, but holding back your feelings just because someone was once sexually abused as a child is no reason to not speak your truth to them.

      I don’t know that “figuring out one’s sexuality can be very confusing.” If it is natural and instinctual, it should feel that way, and should be very natural and normal to that person. It should not be confusing at all. To me, that’s like saying it’s confusing to figure out what kind of music you like to listen to. Either it feels right or it doesn’t.

      But child sexual abuse can indeed twist and confuse a person, so I would say that if someone thinks it is confusing to figure out their sexuality, then they are very confused to begin with and ought to look within themselves to find out what is blocking their natural flow.

      I know that gays and lesbians get upset with me for talking about this, but I must speak up for little children. If an adult gets disturbed, then so be it. I understand why gays get upset. It is hard for them to have finally taken the plunge to be openly gay, and then for someone to say, “you are not okay, there is something off in you and you ought to look into it.”

      It’s like coming out of the closet and being told to go back in.

      I have compassion for that, but I must speak the truth in order to help people to heal any infirmity on their soul.

      All my best,
      ~Alethea

  2. Althea some of what you said in your blog is my truth too. But I have never had the courage to tell anyone, how the abuse went on into my adult life. But something you said I think is my key to forgive myself, grooming. Thank you so much for spearheading my recovery, Beverley

    • Alethea says:

      Thank you Beverley for taking a moment to even say such encouraging words….I shall continue on!

      🙂

  3. Little Nel says:

    Did anyone see the documentary about the Bishop that molested a lot of boys for decades?
    He was a brilliant fund raiser, so the Pope honored him with a public ceremony and kissed his hands for the media.

    This Bishop also had out of wedlock children. Two of the sons of this Bishop told the media that they were sexually abused many times by their father. They shed tears as they talked.

    One of the victims said that he felt worthless and unimportant when he saw the Pope honor this pedophile and kiss his hands.

    The Vatican knew what this Bishop was doing and turned a blind eye to the abuse and behavior because of the money this Bishop had generated for the Church.

    • Little Nel says:

      I wonder what “excuse’ this man would give to justify his behavior and abuse of those boys?

      They never told me to stop?

      There is nothing in the Bible that prohibits it?

      They enjoyed it as much as I did?

      The Bible only prohibits priests from having sex with females?

      I always ask God for forgiveness at Mass, so I’m no longer guilty?

      • KevinF says:

        A very regular scenario, unfortunately. Investigations and judicial inquiries in Ireland and Australia have shown that not only did bishops and administrators turn a blind eye to sexual abuse of children, but they actively blocked police involvement and deliberately transferred abusers to other areas and countries where they could carry on freely with their abuse.
        At the moment, Cardinal Pell of Australia is facing a judicial commission who subpoenad him to to answer for his role in covering up and blocking sex abuse of children allegations when he was a bishop. The Vatican then stepped in to save him (and themselves) by transferring him from Sydney, Australia to a new job in the Vatican State. He leaves shortly. I don’t believe the Vatican State has extradition treaties with any othere country so it’s obviously a great place for all sorts of criminals to hide out.

    • Alethea says:

      “By their fruits you will know them.”

      Most likely an anti-pope, not a real Pope Little Nel. (John 23rd until present day most likely all anti-popes) There have been many anti-popes throughout the history of the Church. I do not know why people would think the 20th and 21st centuries are immune to such corruption.

  4. Mark kent says:

    i get your blog, sadly i have left my e.mail NO REPLY FROM YOU .

    your blog.the Ugly,hidden subject when  i sat reading this i sat crying tears down my face and runny snot .very true what you say. i was very sexually abused abused.MY ONLY SEX EDUCATION ,.by different monsters .some things they did too me I LIKED AND ENJOYED .i am not in any way ashamed .it was the very first orgasm i had too see my own sperm.RATHER THAN MENS 2,ladies and 2 men took turns on me. SEXUAL ABUSE IS A LIFE SENTENCE ..yet there is very very little research into sexual abuse .

    if you are aware of any RESEARCH in to sexual abuse YOU COULD PUT IT ON YOUR

    BLOG .PEOPLE WOULD LIKE TOO TAKE PART …, I WOULD FOR ONE ME,.

    very well done you NOBODY DARES TOO TALK ON THESE SUBJECTS … BUT YOU DO

    night mares of sexual abuse so bad bleeding down my legs ,crying. scared

    wet dreams often i hate. YOU ARE ALIVE,I AM ALIVE very very very big

    difference .

                                  mark________________________________ > Date: Tue, 25 Mar 2014 20:25:38 +0000 > To: mkentdad12@outlook.com >

    • Alethea says:

      Mark, if you wish to contact me, you can email me at sanjuanangel7@yahoo.com

      I am not a professional though, and don’t know how I can help you. Better to comment anonymously here, and we can try to help each other and others, as things are discussed.

    • glad you had the courage to put your words in print. I don’t have the courage yet, but I am getting there, and all with the courage that Alethea has. cheers Beverley.

  5. Little Nel says:

    I had no feelings of pleasure when I was sexually abused, only fear and pain. I had guilt, shame, and anger when ever I remembered it or thought about it.

    My step-sister who had “sexual relations” with my father as a child, had experienced pleasure and love from “daddy.”

    My family members always blamed “step-sister” for the “sexual relationship” because she was so adoring towards him and so willing to participate in sexual activity with her mother’s husband.

    They saw her as the problem, not my father, even though my father was “doing” a mother and a daughter at the same time. Yes, evil sits at the dinner table, so I hated him because he was the one who “staged” everything to make himself look blameless as he abused us.

  6. Mary says:

    Our bodies are designed to be receptive to sexual pleasure, and that capacity isn’t shut off just because the sexual stimulation comes from an inappropriate source. Children should be allowed to gradually develop their sexual selves, at their own pace, by exploring themselves, and then with their peers. Adults who conjure children into sexual acts betray the child’s right to be protected and nurtured by adults rather than exploited and forced into a role beyond their years. This is indeed an aspect of child sexual abuse that people don’t want to talk about nor hear about. Thank you for being brave, Alethea. Thank you for showing survivors they need not live in the darkness, but can come out into the light.

    • Alethea says:

      Mary, thank you so much. I really need the comments and positive feedback right now about this, because, as I wrote to Solita, it is very hard for me to talk about this subject.

      Thank you for the encouragement!

Comments are closed.