My apologies to my readers. I know it has been over a week since my last post, and I am aware that I have not been posting as many articles in the past few months, but I have been experiencing big changes in my healing.
This past week has brought profound changes –changes that I have prayed about for many years, but truly had no idea what they might feel like if they ever happened.
The way my therapy works, is that the more emotionally devastating trauma, and the more extreme physical trauma, or trauma from a younger age, will come out towards the end of the therapy.
Over the past few months, I have been remembering some pretty severe trauma, including blows to my head –one with a blunt object.
These memories came out when I began experiencing numerous headaches that I call the “trauma headache.” I was also experiencing vertigo, and a “black out feeling,” as if I was once struck so hard that I blacked out (which turned out to be the case). Another symptom was an on-going extreme sensitivity to sound.
These physical manifestations of repressed trauma have disappeared with the memory work I do. They were linked to the trauma to my head, some different and new aspects of being raped by my father after a shower, and also connected to being sexually abused by the woman who called herself my mother.
The rape and the sexual abuse by the mother were not new memories, but different aspects of these memories have now surfaced.
I was also experiencing many symptoms from having been blamed for the sexual abuse My mother felt it was me who should be punished –that I must have been ‘the little sexual aggressor’ between my father and me.
A large part of my symptoms were also based in my need for my father and the feeling he gave me when he would be with me sexually, or want me sexually. It was always a mixture of self-loathing and a deep emotional need for intimacy with him.
This is an issue that is much more serious than I will discuss here today, but it is profound, and can cause a deeply embedded emotional wound when the child realizes it was abuse, and not love.
It is also a very common issue in sexually abused children, especially between fathers and daughters.
Over these past few months, I have gotten in touch with the guilt system I was hanging onto –guilt about the jealousy felt from my mother, like I was her rival.
I am also discovering that one of the main issues in the sexual abuse, was having been punished for it. I was struck many times in the face, threatened, hit, knocked down, and literally knocked out for doing nothing but being an unloved, unwanted child –punished for being a child whose little body responded to touching, and whose mind was betrayed into thinking that sexual abuse was love.
For me, this aspect of the sexual abuse and trauma has caused me the most severe physical symptoms, and some pretty serious self-sabatoging behavior, as well as some of the most conflicting psychological suffering.
Until recently, when these issues fully came out, anything that brought me pleasure or joy, also brought me some kind of psychosomatic physical suffering, or a subconscious drive to sabotage any joy in my life. I did not even allow myself to ride my bike, enjoy food, or laugh out loud.
Fast forward to today…I am feeling more joy than I have experienced in a year and a half (when these emotions, and some of these new traumatic memories first began to make their way through to my conscious mind). I have more energy than I have had in twenty years. My skin is clearer, I rarely react to anything that used to trigger me, and I can honestly and gratefully say, that I have rid myself of so much anger that I can hardly describe the feeling.
It is euphoric when you are able to expel previously repressed anger. It is like being high, but without taking any psychotropic prescription drug, illegal drug, or smoking any substances.
Things that I used to think were beautiful, are ten times more beautiful now. Food tastes more wonderful, and I am sleeping better than I have in twenty years…and dancing in my kitchen again.
I have not done that in two years.
My sense of humor has also returned. I am making strangers laugh in the grocery store, and on the street.
One of the biggest steps in making these changes, and in healing the physical symptoms, was my recent memories of truly seeing -for the very first time- the total contrast between my victimizers and myself. My memories are now allowing me to see that I was just a small child, and my perpetrators were much bigger and significantly older than I was.
Until now, my mind held the false information that I was a part of the abuse, that I might have instigated it, or that I was also sick like they were. So until recently, I was not able to remember the difference between my child’s body and the adult bodies. Until now, my mind had sort of blended our sizes together. It was my guilt system doing that.
Getting in touch with this has healed me to a place of normal objectivity, and has allowed me to heal the anger at myself for having been sexually stimulated by my own parents and sister, and for going to my father for more.
One of the emotions that was blocking my anger, was fear.
I have healed so much fear in the past few weeks alone, that I cannot truly fully describe what it feels like to live without fear. I lived every day of my childhood thinking it might be my last. I lived in a constant state of terror that I would be killed. This fear never truly goes away unless a person penetrates their subconscious memory storehouse, in depth.
Athena, my extreme warrior side, has emerged, and she has shown my inner child that I was indeed a victim, that nothing I did, said, felt, or enjoyed as a child, caused, created, or prolonged the sexual abuse of me.
Athena has also shown me that I should have died from what happened to me, and from the physical suffering I endured as an adult –but that I didn’t…it wasn’t my time. I live to tell my story and to try and help others to do the same, and to truly heal –to heal in a true and dynamic way.
I am alive today because of my therapist, my husband’s love for me, lots of hard work, my determination to heal and not die, and by God’s Grace.
My healing journey is not yet over, but I will post another update soon, and in the near future, I hope to do a video interview or video testimony as well.