Friday night I went out with a few friends to watch live music at our local outdoor restaurant-bar. I had a beautiful evening, filled with laughter and joy…all without a drop of alcohol.
Before I became very sick twenty years ago, I drank socially, and probably too much.
I was shy, insecure, jealous, judgmental, and did not know how to feel free or joyful around people without drinking alcohol at the event, or party.
When I came down with many illnesses twenty years ago, I was unable to tolerate alcohol anymore.
Over the past few years, I have healed to the point of being able to be around people without alcohol, but I was still having a beer or two in social situations because I could not get past feeling different, and not being able to experience social gatherings without a little help.
Friday night, I tested out my newly healed self, by not drinking anything.
What I experienced was fantastic. Not only did I have a great time and enjoyed the music, but I also enjoyed the company of my friends (and just about every other patron in the bar), who had at least one drink -or several- and I was able to observe the crowd from an objective place, and able to visit with everyone, and be free and happy to just experience life without alcohol, and without judgement of those who need it to be around a lot of people.
I certainly still enjoy the taste of a glass of red wine with an Italian meal, or a cold beer outdoors on a sunny day, but the fact that I don’t need it in order to have fun with large groups of people was such an amazing feeling.
A couple of people at the bar commented that I seemed like a butterfly. Although I am not quite there, I feel as though I am truly about to come out of a cocoon.
Saturday morning I cried tears of gratitude.
I woke up at 6:00 a.m., ready to start my day with a beautiful hike with my dog, Bear.
It was on this hike that I cried tears of gratitude and joy because I was so happy that I did not need that social drink the night before, and because the anger I have expelled in therapy over the past few weeks felt like a fifty pound weight had been lifted from my body.
Bear and I ran through the meadow, hopped over wildflowers, and my laughter was pure because it came straight from having lifted the heavy burden of carrying so much repressed anger for over fifty years.
I don’t think people with anger truly understand the weight of it, until they have expelled it. I know I did not.
If I were to feel closer to heaven, I think this must be a tiny fraction of what it must feel like.
Peace to all…