Freedom from Anger and Alcohol

Friday night I went out with a few friends to watch live music at our local outdoor restaurant-bar. I had a beautiful evening, filled with laughter and joy…all without a drop of alcohol.

Before I became very sick twenty years ago, I drank socially, and probably too much.

I was shy, insecure, jealous, judgmental, and did not know how to feel free or joyful around people without drinking alcohol at the event, or party.

When I came down with many illnesses twenty years ago, I was unable to tolerate alcohol anymore.

Over the past few years, I have healed to the point of being able to be around people without alcohol, but I was still having a beer or two in social situations because I could not get past feeling different, and not being able to experience social gatherings without a little help.

Friday night, I tested out my newly healed self, by not drinking anything.

What I experienced was fantastic. Not only did I have a great time and enjoyed the music, but I also enjoyed the company of my friends (and just about every other patron in the bar), who had at least one drink -or several- and I was able to observe the crowd from an objective place, and able to visit with everyone, and be free and happy to just experience life without alcohol, and without judgement of those who need it to be around a lot of people.

I certainly still enjoy the taste of a glass of red wine with an Italian meal, or a cold beer outdoors on a sunny day, but the fact that I don’t need it in order to have fun with large groups of people was such an amazing feeling.

A couple of people at the bar commented that I seemed like a butterfly. Although I am not quite there, I feel as though I am truly about to come out of a cocoon.

Saturday morning I cried tears of gratitude.

I woke up at 6:00 a.m., ready to start my day with a beautiful hike with my dog, Bear.

My beautiful dog Bear, enjoying a spring day.

My beautiful dog Bear, enjoying a spring day.

It was on this hike that I cried tears of gratitude and joy because I was so happy that I did not need that social drink the night before, and because the anger I have expelled in therapy over the past few weeks felt like a fifty pound weight had been lifted from my body.

Bear and I ran through the meadow, hopped over wildflowers, and my laughter was pure because it came straight from having lifted the heavy burden of carrying so much repressed anger for over fifty years.

I don’t think people with anger truly understand the weight of it, until they have expelled it. I know I did not.

If I were to feel closer to heaven, I think this must be a tiny fraction of what it must feel like.

Peace to all…


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21 Responses to Freedom from Anger and Alcohol

  1. Little Nel says:

    Repressed anger … now there’s a pit of sewage without end until it’s uncovered and removed.

    • Alethea says:

      Yep. I don’t know how many people have told me, “I am not angry about my past,” or “I got over my anger about what happened to me,” but their mannerisms, face, body language, tone, physical problems, etc….all reveal that they have repressed anger.

      • Little Nel says:

        When someone says to me, “I am not angry about my past” or “I got over my anger about what happened to me,” or “It doesn’t hurt me anymore” and they have the observable “symptoms,” I think to myself, “No, I don’t believe it.”

        Our “symptoms” of repressed anger are contrary to our denials. The older we get the more pronounced our symptoms become as it sucks the life out of us.

        I wonder how many people who suffered from repressed anger committed suicide after the age of 50 because they believed that life wasn’t worth living anymore?

        • Alethea says:

          Yep, and after a certain age, when the libido dies, and the person is aging physically, and they are suffering from health problems, and they might not feel happy in their marriage anymore, and they are tired of working, and their children are grown….they become truly despondent, as if there is nothing to live for.

    • KevinF says:

      Yes indeed. In my case, I found a few years ago that when I deliberately and consciously started to identify and express my repressed anger about childhood abuse to my siblings and relatives and also on websites, I found that the unexplained on-off symptoms I had experienced for years like inability to concentrate, short term memory lapses, fibromyalgia, fatigue, insomnia, irritabillity and feelings of emptiness all began to lift. Despite opposition from my doctor and people around me, I got a diagnosis of clinical depression and access to some medication and that has also been very helpful.
      I know everyone can be different but in my case, repressed anger was very closely related to depression and expressed itself as such. And I know some people are very ‘anti’ medication and that is their experience, but I’ve found it helpful when combined with a conscious and thorough therapy.

      • Alethea says:

        Dear Kevin,

        I am “anti” medication because the side effects can kill a person, and therapy cannot be thorough if the person still needs to take RX drugs.

        A person cannot express repressed anger if they are not even aware of it. Some anger is buried in secrets not yet revealed in the person, or sometimes it is the result of people saying they forgive their abusers but their subconscious mind is not ready to forgive and it hounds them with psychosomatic symptoms. Even cancer could be linked to repressed anger, or deep-seated secrets that someone is repressing and has no awareness of.


        • KevinF says:

          Yes, Alethea, I think you’re very right about cancer. Psychosomatically, it can be seen as a manifestation of the monster within – the anger, horror and abuse that is buried and repressed but which very often comes up and takes over.
          Bury anything alive and it can become monstrous.

          • Alethea says:

            Kevin, cancer is probably more connected to a deep-seated resentment, from a long ago incident, or a deeply buried secret -not yet dealt with- and that resentment/anger is turned inward on the self….the person’s unresolved grief is eating away at them, literally. They might be doing self-punishment with it (eating away at one’s self).

  2. erna says:

    I have been lurking in the background for a few years, identifying with you and sharing your pain. These last posts of you have pushed me to come forward as I too feel the healing powers of acceptance, just letting go and be. With release comes the calmness, peace and freedom. It is as it is.
    P.S, I love you, your dog, the photos and the lovely scenery. That too is an inspiration.

    • Alethea says:

      Dear Erna,

      Thank you for ‘lurking,’ and thank you for commenting. I appreciate all my readers, even the silent readers.

      For me, my healing was not due to acceptance, “letting go” and just being. I am not sure what you mean by this. As much trauma as I had, and as early in childhood, and as sick as I was physically….no amount of acceptance, or letting go would have helped me. I had to let it out before I could let it go. So much pain was repressed/stuck in there. The SC mind hangs onto things until a person is ready to let it out, and the earlier and more traumatic that the original initial event was for the child…the harder to get it all out.

      My dog is a beautiful, intelligent being. She has taught me joy, living in the moment, and surrender. I love her too 🙂 Thank you…


      • erna says:

        Dear Alethea

        I apologize for my unclarity. English is not my first language.

        I was an unwanted child. I was told that from birth. I was not to speak. So I lost my voice
        (selective mutism). I was and felt alienated. I believed myself to be wrong, my existence a mistake – my mistake. My gender was wrong – I was wrong. The severe physical beatings were better than the mental shunning. My mother refused to speak to me and to recognize my existence for weeks on an end. I was socially isolated. I remember being locked in a cupboard, being told that I was going to be taken away. I was always told that I could not have what my siblings received – my time would come. I believed it. My time never came. The rejection was total. I remember the tauntings, the feelings of
        helplessness and hopelessness, of desperation and desolation. I split.

        Acceptance for me means: What happened, happened. It is. I cannot change it, I could not escape it. I did nothing to provoke it. I didn’t deserve it. It was done to me. I suffered because of it. It was wrong. It took me years to learn how to speak to others, to learn how to trust some. The past became my prison. The only way I could survive was to accept that I could not change that – it has already happened. I could not change others nor their behaviours. I stopped trying to be other than what I am. I recognized that all my life I only wanted my mother’s love and acceptance. The validation of my life. I accepted it wouldn’t come. I had to let it go. I was dying. I almost bleed to death. Blood transfusions and surgery could assist the healing of only my body. I had to accept myself as I am – all my parts, all my imperfections, all my feelings. It took decades, but my suffering has lead to me to become whole again.

        By being I mean: I never valued my life. I wasn’t worth living. That was the first lesson I learned. I was a mistake. I should not have been. My first suicide attempt was at age 11. I learned that this life is all I have. That this being is all I am. That it is enough and that it is as it is. When I sit at the beach I see the moving colours and light of the waves, and I feel the vibrancy and endless rhythm. I smell the salty sea and the life within it. I feel and breathe the air. I am and I am part of it all.

        • Alethea says:

          Dear Erna,

          You suffered a terrible amount of abandonment and emotional trauma.

          Acceptance is good for the conscious mind, and it is good for one’s spirituality, but it will never calm the subconscious mind.

          There is no space and time in the SC mind, so to the SC mind, everything is still happening.

          The beauty of the therapy that Little Nel, Grace, and I do, is that we CAN change what happened to us.

          When we change our past traumas at the SC level, it is as if we are removing everything that happened to us. We know what happened historically, but it does not affect us in any way. On the contrary, we are able to take that experience and go out and help others, or just live a free life if one wants to.

          This therapy is like surgery –surgery of the mind/the past. It removes what happened…almost literally.

          “When I sit at the beach I see the moving colours and light of the waves, and I feel the vibrancy and endless rhythm. I smell the salty sea and the life within it. I feel and breathe the air. I am and I am part of it all.”

          Yes, this is beautiful, and in that moment, you are experiencing life –as you truly are—a spiritual being. But what happens in your daily life? What happens in your body and emotions when you move through daily existence? We cannot sit at the beach 24 hours a day.

          True peace, health, and freedom means that when we go about our daily lives, we also retain that same peace as we have at the beach, or in the mountains, or sitting by a lake, or while watching a sunset.

          True liberation from the past means being able to handle any situation or person, without stress, physical symptoms, anger/fear/guilt and without nightmares, sadness, depression, feeling left out, or feeling not good enough, or feeling abandoned, or feeling unworthy……….essentially, what I am saying is, handling things without any reaction to the person or situation.

  3. melissa lee says:

    Look what courage and dedication to healing brings you…..
    Wish I was there basking in your light on that night.

    xoxo Melissa Lee

  4. Reesee says:

    Oh, Alethea
    Your tone has changed so much since I first started reading your blog
    I too have experienced similar feelings. The lightness and the peacefulness that comes with releasing anger, and the tears of gratitude when you experience freedom.
    Much love and continued support.

    • Alethea says:

      Reesee, thank you! The tears of gratitude are indeed a moment in time when you realize how far you have come, and overcome.

  5. Mary says:

    Alethea, I’m very happy for you. Drinking is too important a part of my life. Yet I understand why it felt so great to skip it, wake up purely sober, and hop over the wildflowers. You rock, girl!

  6. Grace says:

    Dear Alethea,
    I feel the happiness in your words – thank you so much for sharing this beautiful story. I am so happy for you!!!

    I thirst to be at that point…you are such an inspiration.


  7. Rob says:

    This post brought tears to my eyes. I am happy for you Alethea.

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