How movingly beautiful it is that post number 1,000 on this Blog comes from a woman who was desolate when she found this Blog, but now she has wings and she is flying high.
Thank you Grace for being a warrior, and for sharing this planet with me.
Freedom: An Update on Grace
“Freedom is an interesting thing. It’s a concept that seems to be valued in modern society. I have come to understand freedom as something that goes so far beyond what I once believed it to be. My journey to personal freedom has led me to unbelievable experiences and a feeling to which words will never do justice.
My older sister sexually abused me as a child. I was also abused and paralyzed with fear by both of my parents. I spent most of my childhood dreaming of the day I could leave…the day I would be “free,” so to speak.
I moved out at 17, went to school and eventually moved to another city. I thought I had it all figured out –that I was truly free of all the baggage from my childhood. I was wrong. Traveling to far-away lands, moving to another city, cutting contact with family, self-medicating (including anti-depressants)…none of it freed me as I hoped.
The problems followed.
I have previously shared details of the crippling emotional, mental, physical, and sexual grip that the abuse had on me for almost my entire life. It’s taken me months, but I feel it’s time to provide Alethea’s readers with an update.
I have been in therapy with Dr. Ysatis de Saint Simone for just over 2 years. Even just typing those words… I can barely believe it’s ONLY been 2 years, because the changes in myself have been so dramatic. In the therapy, I have done the necessary deep-rooted cleansing of the trauma and confusion caused by the abuse…it has been more worth it than I could possibly express.
At one point, I was so sexually confused that I felt as though I may even be asexual. I was deeply unhappy in my relationship, and was not a good partner to my then-girlfriend.
The sexual confusion was caused by the abuse at the hands of my sister, as well as the codependent system I had developed with my mother. Because of my relationship with the mother, and the toxic light in which I viewed my father and most other men in my life, I felt a sense of safety and security with, and responsibility for, women.
Because of the pleasure, security, and attention I received from my sister, I further equated women with good feelings and general “happiness.” I was so unbalanced that I subconsciously refused to have male friends and pushed all males away, including my brother-in-law and male coworkers. I was in a dangerously codependent (and sometimes abusive) pit of misery with my then-girlfriend, and it was bringing us both to a very dark place.
If Alethea hadn’t started this blog I might still be there; or worse.
I have referred to the process of sorting through my memory storehouse as “digging myself out of hell with a plastic spoon.”
I have been given the gift of a therapist (discovered through Alethea) who helped me with this process in a natural, calming way that is cast-iron in its effectiveness. I felt as though I was in hell, physically and emotionally. I was in constant pain and could barely lift myself off the couch. My then-girlfriend once described the scenario: “you were withering away – literally disappearing before my eyes, gaunt with transparent skin. I’d be on the way home from work and my stomach would sink, as my thoughts reminded me ‘now is when the work begins.'”
I was difficult to live with, and would erupt in a fit of rage or emotional outburst at the drop of a hat. Through the therapy, I have learned about the undercurrents and issues motivating my misery, anger and illness. I have freed myself from so much, and feel more myself than I have ever felt in my life. Truly, the motto of this therapy is “Know Thyself.”
At one point, I thought I was attracted to women sexually. I was in a relationship with a wonderfully supportive and loving female partner, yet was absolutely miserable, causing me to constantly second-guess myself. If you’ve got a wonderful partner but are more miserable with each passing day, then WHAT IS GOING ON?! I’m so glad I asked this question, because I have figured out the answer.
The sexual confusion is now completely gone. I say this with complete confidence, because it is true in my soul. I have a liberated feeling when I think about sexuality. I am no longer confined to the feeling of, “I am so unsure and it’s making me sorrowful.” When I look back, I can barely believe that was even me. Indeed, it wasn’t truly me…it was the scared, confused, sexually aroused little girl who was abused and mistook that for love and safety.
In allowing my subconscious/soul to express itself, I have tasted true freedom. I am in the baby stages of a relationship with a man I care for, and am pursuing the relationship with excitement and butterflies in my stomach. I am experiencing the freedom to explore feelings for someone without fear, doubt, or self-hatred. That was MY reality at one point, and is no longer.
In addition to this huge psychological weight lifted off my life, I have also healed from other ailments, including: allergy symptoms, migraine headaches, insomnia, depression, and keratoconus (still working on this one, as it’s very deep-rooted).
I can only continue to look forward to healing and becoming more and more ME! Truly free. By allowing the physical and psychological ailments within me to die, I have become a freedom fighter -of sorts- allowing my soul to take flight and soar.
If you are struggling with feeling desolate, or estranged from life because you feel confused about your sexuality, unhappy about your sexuality, or if you suffer from having been sexually abused as a child, or if you suffer from any problem at all. You can free yourself.
Email Alethea for the contact information for Dr. De Saint Simone, or visit her website to learn more: ysatisdesaintsimone.wordpress.com