How movingly beautiful it is that post number 1,000 on this Blog comes from a woman who was desolate when she found this Blog, but now she has wings and she is flying high.
Thank you Grace for being a warrior, and for sharing this planet with me.
Freedom: An Update on Grace
“Freedom is an interesting thing. It’s a concept that seems to be valued in modern society. I have come to understand freedom as something that goes so far beyond what I once believed it to be. My journey to personal freedom has led me to unbelievable experiences and a feeling to which words will never do justice.
My older sister sexually abused me as a child. I was also abused and paralyzed with fear by both of my parents. I spent most of my childhood dreaming of the day I could leave…the day I would be “free,” so to speak.
I moved out at 17, went to school and eventually moved to another city. I thought I had it all figured out –that I was truly free of all the baggage from my childhood. I was wrong. Traveling to far-away lands, moving to another city, cutting contact with family, self-medicating (including anti-depressants)…none of it freed me as I hoped.
The problems followed.
I have previously shared details of the crippling emotional, mental, physical, and sexual grip that the abuse had on me for almost my entire life. It’s taken me months, but I feel it’s time to provide Alethea’s readers with an update.
I have been in therapy with Dr. Ysatis de Saint Simone for just over 2 years. Even just typing those words… I can barely believe it’s ONLY been 2 years, because the changes in myself have been so dramatic. In the therapy, I have done the necessary deep-rooted cleansing of the trauma and confusion caused by the abuse…it has been more worth it than I could possibly express.
At one point, I was so sexually confused that I felt as though I may even be asexual. I was deeply unhappy in my relationship, and was not a good partner to my then-girlfriend.
The sexual confusion was caused by the abuse at the hands of my sister, as well as the codependent system I had developed with my mother. Because of my relationship with the mother, and the toxic light in which I viewed my father and most other men in my life, I felt a sense of safety and security with, and responsibility for, women.
Because of the pleasure, security, and attention I received from my sister, I further equated women with good feelings and general “happiness.” I was so unbalanced that I subconsciously refused to have male friends and pushed all males away, including my brother-in-law and male coworkers. I was in a dangerously codependent (and sometimes abusive) pit of misery with my then-girlfriend, and it was bringing us both to a very dark place.
If Alethea hadn’t started this blog I might still be there; or worse.
I have referred to the process of sorting through my memory storehouse as “digging myself out of hell with a plastic spoon.”
I have been given the gift of a therapist (discovered through Alethea) who helped me with this process in a natural, calming way that is cast-iron in its effectiveness. I felt as though I was in hell, physically and emotionally. I was in constant pain and could barely lift myself off the couch. My then-girlfriend once described the scenario: “you were withering away – literally disappearing before my eyes, gaunt with transparent skin. I’d be on the way home from work and my stomach would sink, as my thoughts reminded me ‘now is when the work begins.'”
I was difficult to live with, and would erupt in a fit of rage or emotional outburst at the drop of a hat. Through the therapy, I have learned about the undercurrents and issues motivating my misery, anger and illness. I have freed myself from so much, and feel more myself than I have ever felt in my life. Truly, the motto of this therapy is “Know Thyself.”
At one point, I thought I was attracted to women sexually. I was in a relationship with a wonderfully supportive and loving female partner, yet was absolutely miserable, causing me to constantly second-guess myself. If you’ve got a wonderful partner but are more miserable with each passing day, then WHAT IS GOING ON?! I’m so glad I asked this question, because I have figured out the answer.
The sexual confusion is now completely gone. I say this with complete confidence, because it is true in my soul. I have a liberated feeling when I think about sexuality. I am no longer confined to the feeling of, “I am so unsure and it’s making me sorrowful.” When I look back, I can barely believe that was even me. Indeed, it wasn’t truly me…it was the scared, confused, sexually aroused little girl who was abused and mistook that for love and safety.
In allowing my subconscious/soul to express itself, I have tasted true freedom. I am in the baby stages of a relationship with a man I care for, and am pursuing the relationship with excitement and butterflies in my stomach. I am experiencing the freedom to explore feelings for someone without fear, doubt, or self-hatred. That was MY reality at one point, and is no longer.
Grace
In addition to this huge psychological weight lifted off my life, I have also healed from other ailments, including: allergy symptoms, migraine headaches, insomnia, depression, and keratoconus (still working on this one, as it’s very deep-rooted).
I can only continue to look forward to healing and becoming more and more ME! Truly free. By allowing the physical and psychological ailments within me to die, I have become a freedom fighter -of sorts- allowing my soul to take flight and soar.
~Grace
If you are struggling with feeling desolate, or estranged from life because you feel confused about your sexuality, unhappy about your sexuality, or if you suffer from having been sexually abused as a child, or if you suffer from any problem at all. You can free yourself.
Email Alethea for the contact information for Dr. De Saint Simone, or visit her website to learn more: ysatisdesaintsimone.wordpress.com
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EVIL SITS AT THE DINNER TABLE 
I was sexually molested at the age of 8 by an older girl at summer camp, and have been questioning my sexuality forever. The confusion comes in the fact that I have never been with a woman, have no desire to be with a woman, but have been sexually stimulated by women a few times in my life (huging, pics, etc). I have lived a life of sever self-hatred and shame and now as I prepare to get engaged to a loving, wonderful man, I am terrified. Terrified that I will need to tell him about the abuse, and terrified that down the road I will continue to question my sexuality. Please help. I just want to be happy.
Loumar,
THANK YOU for writing. Thank you for responding, and for having the courage to look at yourself and be honest.
YOU and people like you, are the reason that I posted that article, and why Grace was willing to write it.
95% of women who were sexually abused by their mothers (so probably add women like yourself, who were sexually abused by an older girl at camp) have NEVER told their spouse about being sexually abused by a woman or older teen.) I have not told my husband yet either.
First off, don’t be terrified. Take some deep breaths and know that no one is forcing you to feel like you have to tell him, no one except yourself. So don’t listen to your mind because it will invent all kinds of things for you to freak out about but things that aren’t true.
If, one day, after working on this issue with a good therapist (which you should), and you feel safe enough to share it with him, you might do so in order to bond with him, or to help him know that this happens to some people (it’s always good to educate others on the subject), and for total honesty in your relationship…but don’t tell him until you feel 100% right about it. Maybe he never needs to know….don’t pressure yourself. You can get married and enjoy your life together without ever having to tell him if you work on yourself and remove the pain, shame, embarrassment, guilt and sexual confusion (or reaction to images of women, which is not really sexual confusion).
You need to know that your body *reacting* a certain way to images or hugs, is not being sexually confused. It is your body just reacting in a sort of “memory” way to what was done to you as a child by that older girl. It’s more like a bad memory, but like a memory in your body, not your mind. You seem to be clear that you enjoy and want to be with men, so you just need to clear out the body reaction-association, and you probably need to work on taking your power back –to transfer any idea in your mind that you caused what happened, that you were guilty of any wrong-doing, or that you should have stopped it or should have fought back, or any feelings of guilt like that.
But a person cannot just do it with their conscious mind. You need to do some deep work in therapy. It may not take long, but you need to remove any shame and anger, or fear, from your subconscious mind.
Please let me know if you want to call Grace and my therapist for those sessions. Otherwise, you need to find someone with lots of trauma/sexual abuse experience and someone who won’t brush aside your sexual reactions to women, as ‘no big deal’ or you will always have those reactions. Also find someone who will help you know that the sexual molestation by the girl was abuse, and not just “exploration” or “play.”
It’s very important for you to know that it WAS ABUSE, and not mutual ‘fooling around.’
It would be interesting to also get Grace’s feedback. Hopefully, she will read this.
Keep in touch…
~Alethea
Dear Loumar,
Thank you for writing. I have meant to reply for some days now.
I also think it is okay to not disclose the abuse to a spouse, as it does not seem like a necessary step in my opinion. As Alethea mentioned, no one is forcing you to tell him.
The abuse and the sentiment of “questioning” your sexuality seems to be something that could negatively impact your life and the fact that you’re looking at it honestly is crucial. I agree with Alethea that the reactions to images of women is not necessarily sexual confusion, but you have mentioned “questioning” and for me, that is how the sexual confusion started for me. I may be wrong or misinterpreting what you wrote, but questioning your sexuality may be affecting your relationship with your fiancé?
I also encourage you to seek out deep therapy with someone who has experience with sexual confusion and same-sex child abuse. Being abused by an older female at camp was not “normal sexual play”. That is what my abuser (and my own mind) tried convincing me of for a long time. It WAS abuse, a power play, and a breach of trust. For me, the broken trust has been devastating in every single one of my life’s relationships. I’m just now sorting all that out, so I understand that the effects of abuse run deep.
Keep searching for answer in your soul; I hope they come for you swiftly.
Best wishes,
Grace
Grace, what a beautiful, perfect reply!
Love,
Alethea
“I am in the baby stages of a relationship with a man I care for, and am pursuing the relationship with excitement and butterflies in my stomach.”
This statement speaks volumes. What amazing testimony to the power of the mind, and this therapy, and what same-sex child sexual abuse can do to twist a person’s true self.
Dear Alethea,
Thank you for your continued encouragement. Unfortunately, not everyone who knows my story has been so supportive. I have had friends disappear off the face of the earth. It seems if someone is in a relationship (or married) and “realizes” they are gay and leaves their spouse, their children, their family, and pursues what is “true in their hearts”, they are applauded. I have had an interesting experience in that I have *truly* come to know my true nature in terms of sexuality, and seem to have been reprimanded for moving on, for pursuing a relationship with a man, and for being happy doing so. Pretty interesting double-standard, don’t you think?
Love
Grace
Grace, I think this deserves an ENTIRE article. I think I will work on one.
“by allowing the physical and psychological ailments within me to die,…allowing my soul to take flight and soar”
Your words brought tears to my eyes, Grace.
” confused…little girl who was abused and mistook that for love and safety.”
Grace I am so proud of you!
What courage and intelligence that you possess! To know and take action against the effects of all that abuse and stand whole in spite of all that you experienced that was painful in childhood.
You found your true self even though sexual abuse had damaged your feminine soul!
Enjoy your freedom, you deserve all the love you experience from now on.
I too, was afraid and confused in childhood, but by the grace of God, I am more than a conqueror, overcomer in this life.
Dear LN,
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I can only look forward to opening up more and more to life, and to experiencing all that this relationship has to offer. It is a HUGE sigh of relief to leave so much weight and emotional pain in the past.
Love
Grace