Pry Open Those Wounds With The Truth

“Cry out with a hundred thousand tongues; the world is rotten because of silence!”

~Saint Catherine of Siena.

Many people -even survivors of child sexual abuse- are disturbed by my honesty. But my articles are written for those who have experienced what I have, and who want to hear the truth.

Every topic about child sexual abuse demands to be addressed, and thus, survivors can get hurt and angry, and have their wounds pried open. But truth is compassion.

People need to evolve and heal, not stay stuck in their dysfunction and pain.

People must face their wounds in order to heal them. Hiding serves no purpose. Pretending helps no one. Avoiding truth is a sickness in this world, and on the soul of those who were sexually abused as children.

By writing this article, I hope to help people to come to their truth about any physiological reaction they experienced from being sexually abused –any bodily reaction that created pleasure, or even an orgasm.

I want people to know they are not alone! I want other abuse survivors to understand that they are okay…that any physical pleasure or enjoyment from the sexual abuse or molestation –or even rapes– is normal and nothing to be ashamed of.

A child does not have any understanding of “right and wrong” when they have been groomed by a sexual abuser –especially when they had no other love from anyone else, and when their body just does what the body does.

If you were sexually abused or raped by anyone –even by someone of the same sex– and you felt pleasure, or your body responded to oral sex, or the rape, or you went to your abuser for love, to gain acceptance, or to feel human contact with someone you cared about, or with someone you wanted to care about you, or if you felt sad when the abuse ended…. let me assure you that you are not alone, and you are among millions of survivors of child sexual abuse who were cheated, confused, and betrayed by their body because they were too young to know any better.

You might have come from a home that had very little love or affection, and maybe you were even resented by your parents. You might even have been sexually abused by one of your parents, or your brother, or an uncle, or even a grandparent or sister…. and you have probably wanted to die inside because you lived with so much shame and disgust at yourself for taking pleasure in the sexual abuse with your parent, other relative, or even a Minister/Rabbi/Priest.

Know this…the only disgusting person was the perpetrator who tricked you into thinking that being sexual with them was “love,” or that you needed to do it in order to gain their approval or affection, or to be treated well.

But we cannot heal from what we do not want to deal with. We cannot expel what we are too afraid or ashamed to think about. We cannot heal ourselves, children, or the earth if we do not stop lying to ourselves, and speak these ugly truths to one another, and allow those truths to be spoken.

Human beings, especially children, have a need for love, attention, and affection. They will often take it any way they can get it –even if that need is fulfilled by a sexual predator.

This can cause a deeply embedded “guilt neurosis” in the victim.

Experts would do better by victims, if they openly discussed this and did not allow it to be just one more dirty little secret that victims have to deal with by themselves because no body wants to hear about “THAT” subject.

Subsequently, the victim feels isolated, different, defective, and left to try and heal this on their own, or in most cases, they will not heal it at all because they will not face it without someone helping them to be honest with themselves.

It is truth, which liberates the victim from their self-made prison.

To be quite clear –the perpetrator is 100% at fault. The child rapist, or the child molester, is the one who manipulated and coerced the child. The predator is the one who holds sole responsibility for the the acts, for the child’s reaction to the abuse, and for the crime.

Letting Go of Repressed Guilt Can Set You Free

But in order to heal this issue, victims need to hear that it’s okay to admit they enjoyed some of the sexual abuse, and if they are not allowed to grieve that guilt out of their mind and body, then they will always feel there is something wrong inside themselves.

I spent years with an unknown feeling inside, an instinctual feeling that there was “something deeply wrong with me.” I had no idea what was wrong with me. It was merely a deep knowing –a strange feeling that something was not okay inside me.

I was not able to expel that wretched feeling until I began to remember, and feel the truths of going to my father for sex, having orgasms with him, and that I enjoyed the attention and felt competitive with my mother.

I needed to feel those realities, release the emotions, and to validate with my own self, that there was nothing wrong with those feelings. 

People Fear What Lurks in Their Subconscious Mind. If They Only Knew That Facing the Unknown, Can Liberate Them

It is vital to speak openly about this subject, because if we do not, victims will develop a guilt neurosis that can cause them a lifetime of physical and psychological problems.

If victims of rape and child sexual abuse, who felt pleasure or went to their abusers for more –if they are not given the truth, or not allowed to remember the truth, they will suffer the rest of their lives with repressed guilt.

I suffered for two decades with repressed guilt. It took me that long to allow myself to fully remember, accept, and to heal those ugly truths.

I hope this article helps others to not have to wait that long.

In order for the soul to heal itself, it needs truth.

Below is a list of the ways in which my guilt over having felt pleasure and orgasms, and intimate contact, with my father had affected my life.

Please note that this is NOT a symptom check-list. This is not a list of symptoms that one should, or can, use to determine if they have repressed guilt like I did. This list is MY experience, my personal list of symptoms, but it can be used as a reference by others..

  • Chronic stomach aches
  • Serious problems with food (which would have been defined as several different “eating disorders.”)
  • Migraine headaches
  • Back pain
  • Chronic fatigue syndrome pain
  • Severe gas pains
  • Self-sabotaging behavior (not allowing myself to experience joy, making life harder for myself).
  • “Accidentally” cutting myself with kitchen utensils and kitchen knives on a regular basis.
  • “Accidentally” banging my head on objects all the time.
  • Fear of having fun.
  • Not allowing myself any pleasure or enjoyment.
  • Sexual dysfunction.
  • Extreme need for attention from men in order to establish my self-worth.
  • Repressed anger over having been cheated into thinking the sexual abuse with my father was “love.”

In my case, my guilt neurosis was magnified with the fact that my mother punished me, not my father, for the incest. There were also incidents of being punished immediately after having felt sexual pleasure with him. This really screwed with my psyche for a long time. As soon as something good or enjoyable ended in my adult life I would immediately experience a negative physical reaction, or depression.

Right after the enjoyment ended, it is as if I was saying, “okay, I’ve had a good time, so now I have to pay for it,” and thus, my unhealed subconscious made me pay with physical suffering.

I also suffered with psychosomatic symptoms because when the abuse ended, I was disturbed by that. People need to know that that many children disclose child sexual abuse because it has ended, and not to end the abuse.

Some children only tell because their abuser has started to molest a younger sibling, and the previous victim tells someone about the abuse out of jealousy. This is common, normal, and nothing to be ashamed of! The child was victimized and sexualized, and the guilt lays 100% on the abuser.

I believe that one of the worst violations of child sexual abuse and incest is not the rape of innocence, or the physical violence. It is not the emotional pain of betrayal by a trusted care-giver, or even the death threats and secrecy. For me, the worst part of child sexual abuse is the psychological violation of having confused the child into thinking that the sexual abuse was “love” –and I am positive that this issue has led to countless cases of eating disorders, over-eating, and other unhealthy relationships with food.

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22 Responses to Pry Open Those Wounds With The Truth

  1. Little Nel says:

    “Honor her”

    I hate her for being afraid of “everything” when she grew up.
    I hate her for being “compliant” to the unreasonable demands of her abusive family.
    I hate her for loving her parents who didn’t love her back.
    I hate her for feeling pain when it was against her parents wishes.
    I hate her for trying to protect herself when she wasn’t able to do so.
    Most of all I hated her for not having the courage to say what she needed to say to her abusers.
    She preferred to hide instead.

    • Hi Lil Nel,
      I’m new here. I just want to say thank you for sharing your recovery. Your painstaking work to clearly identifying how you blamed yourself as a little girl is helping me to understand the decisions I made as an isolated little girl.
      God bless you and keep you as you heal and overcome.
      Hth

    • Alethea says:

      Little Nel,

      I am concerned about so much hate expressed here –especially hate for a child. You have to realize that you are hating a child! Please, please seek to transform that hate-energy into love and gratitude. Love for a child that did not know any better, love for a child who was conditioned and beaten down to behave and feel as she did towards, and about, her abusers…and gratitude for having access to the most amazing/liberating/healing/rewarding therapy (Dr. De Saint-Simone) there is.

      In truth and love,
      Alethea

      • Little Nel says:

        I realize that my parents made me hate Little Nel when they blamed me for the abuse.
        I was too young to realize what they were doing.

        Anger and fear were everywhere, but I didn’t know it.
        I believed them when they blamed me, but I didn’t know they were lying.

        Their was always a cover up alibi to vindicate them.

  2. melissa says:

    Alethea, I had asthma since I was 8 years old, the moment I remembered my mother putting duct tape over my mouth as a baby and putting two holes in were my nostrils were located many, many times, I no longer had asthma. I know we can heal on a cellular level from inner child healing work… Melissa Lee

    • Alethea says:

      Dearest Melissa,

      Yes, my therapist has healed people from asthma. I am so happy you know about the mind-cell connection, and have experienced its miraculous ability to heal as well as cause illness and disease.

  3. Little Nel says:

    I have asked myself many times, why does it have to be so painful to open those wounds?
    Even the thought of opening those wounds causes me pain, makes me cringe, or makes me want to hide.

    I don’t want to go back in my history and have to feel that fear again. I don’t want to think about my parents hitting me, kicking me, slapping me, and then saying that it didn’t hurt me, so shut up and stop crying, or I’ll give you something to really cry about.

    I don’t want to think about how my three brothers emulated my parents and targeted me because I was the weakest member of the family, a girl. I don’t want to think about all that cruelty and how demeaning it was for me.

    Just make it all go away without the drama, fear, shame and cost.

    • Alethea says:

      But Little Nel, it will NEVER “all go away” unless we do the work, feel the pain –face the past in every detail that our SC Mind (inner child) wants us to. Our inner child will never allow us to be in peace and move on until she has had her say in EVERYTHING that she needs to.

      Honor her.

  4. susashushan says:

    Great post, Alethea. Thank you for pointing out some of the physical and psychological effects of child sexual abuse. PTSD (which can include actual structural changes in the brain) can also be a result of early childhood abuse.

  5. I don’t find your honesty disturbing at all. In fact, all of this is familiar to me. I hesitate to victim blame in some way because survivors come to meet their own truths at various times and ways (I’m reading a little of this in your post, but forgive me if this is an assumption on my part). Some never come to their truths at all. Having come to awareness myself, there were many factors involved to arrive at all the truths I needed to face. That process is not yet complete for me, but in knowing this truth, I can learn to be patient with myself and offer myself the compassion that was never given, as well as to other survivors who are walking the path to healing and recovery. Working to learn how to establish personal boundaries, self love instead of self sabotage, self love, instead of self hate, changing the messages inside to one of survivor and not victim, has been an incredibly challenging and difficult journey for me, and very, VERY painful.

    Working with survivors of psychopathic abuse, I constantly have to remind myself that I was once where they are now, while others remind me of how much more work I have to do. While I agree with you in that truth is very important and critical to recovery, it is also extremely painful. Each survivor will deal with their pain in their own way and in their own time. Where it relates to pathological abuse and coming from a family of disordered individuals, the abuse is not limited to sexual abuse, but other many chronic forms of abuse that are relentless and daily.

    I do not agree with your views about suicide. I’ve worked with two survivors who opted out. I’ve also experienced the depth of despair and struggled with suicidal ideation. All of this has given me a different perspective about suicide. I rarely spoke about it when I felt this way, but was in such darkness and despair one evening, I reached out to a friend who knew what my situation and circumstances were. She said to me, “I’ve seen all you’ve been through, Kelli, and I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do. The most selfish thing I could ask of you is to live in your pain for me.” Sometimes truth involves speaking from a dark side and it can make all the difference when you can be that ‘honest’ and someone validates you. I do not know what happens to survivors who commit suicide, but I do have a great deal of faith (not religious or dogmatic), that tells me that GOD knows their pain, souls and truth more than I do.

    While I agree there is a psychological response to abuse that reflects in physical ailments, it is not entirely psychological. Attributing physical ailments to repression is very frustrating to those of us in the chronic illness community. Constant hyper vigilance, particularly while enduring chronic abuse in childhood, releases stress hormones (adrenaline, cortisol, norepinephrine) throughout the body. Adrenaline, norepinephrine (also released from the brain) and cortisol is released from the adrenal glands. The constant flow of these hormones, the constant extremes in anxiety that result, break down the immune and central nervous system in the body. I have two auto immune diseases that I have no control over, a consequence to my abuse. I have tremendous back pain resulting in extremely painful flares from herniated discs in my neck and lower spine. MRI images, blood work, etc, don’t lie. I have central nervous system dysfunction that create sensitivity to heat/cold, medications, stress, etc. I have C-PTSD that wreaks havoc with me. Triggers feel to me, like a gun going off beside my head. I cannot control this when it’s happening. Mindful of all of these truths, allows me to understand what is necessary in self care, something abuse survivors have a great deal of difficulty with and that takes years of practice to implement.

    One of the things I’m very mindful about, is that change is not spontaneous. I’ve learned much from the survivors I work with who are just out of romantic relationships with a psychopath, sociopath or narcissist, (pick your poison, they all do the same thing). Rumination is common in the aftermath of these relationships where the survivor obsesses on the psychopath’s new victim, something the disordered one tends to pick up on immediately after the break up, if not before, as they are rarely faithful. She or he is convinced, either through social media or other public ‘sightings’ that the psychopath has changed with the new victim. In reality, this is impossible as change, again, is not spontaneous. The same applies to the very survivors who are obsessing. The pathological relationship is a time for ‘truths’ to evolve. For several months it’s all about the psychopath and what he/she is doing with the new victim. But the truth is that all of us involved with someone like this made ‘choices’ to do so. Getting to the bottom of the pathological relationship is not ultimately about the abuser, but about US. Our vulnerabilities that were exploited, our responsibility in our choices, even if we were not aware, as well as opportunity to address past abuse history, etc, are often the end result of these relationships. While extraordinarily abusive and painful, these relationships are opportunity to see our dark sides and to deal with those truths accordingly, this includes your description of how ‘sexual abuse feels good’, the tip of the iceberg regarding truths that tend to surface while awareness builds.

    This is not true for the child of a pathological parent, who has no choice as to what family they’re born into, however adult children of pathological parents will choose what is most familiar to them. While we have a ‘sense’ that something is wrong, we are set up by our pathological family to be ‘normalized’ to abusive behavior. Our society is profoundly pathological and there are few survivors who have the support they need to engage in speaking or sharing their truths without being BLAMED, blamed for their choices without awareness, blamed for their illnesses that are the result of abuse. Accepting truths also means acceptance of what has been, what is now and how to self care with adequate compassion and support. Repression is not limited to the survivor, but to a whole nation and community who encourages this repression. Survivors are not free to communicate their truths without being shamed. Shame is as much at the core of abuse as repressed guilt.

    It’s important to lay the foundation for truth telling in a way that allows the survivor to share their experiences, engage in their process without shame, more guilt, gas lighting, manipulating and exploitation or victim blaming. Through my own experiences and a journey that won’t be complete till the day I die (personal growth is a life long process), I’ve learned that my truths told have had little support, yet have had a powerful impact upon survivors who experience tremendous relief to know that someone ‘gets’ it.

    After a lifetime of chronic abuse, in no matter what toxic form, it can take years and years, if not an entire lifetime to learn new behaviors, build boundaries and learn to self care and implement new coping skills that are healthy. Yet I know that for me, some of the damage from the abuse, is something I will have to live WITH, the rest of my life. I do not say this from a place of victimization, but one of TRUTH for me. Acceptance of my present state of mind and physical maladies better helps me to cope. I think for me, the anguish at the pathological parental units and the set up for years of self sabotage and lack of awareness is where I really struggle. It isn’t the orgasms that plagued me as a child, for my sexual abuse was not limited to one individual, but many and was chronic, that cause repressed guilt, but the fact that the sexual abuse amounted to ‘sex = love’ in a relationship. It had an addictive quality to it that I understand and accept now, but still feel angry about as it cheated me out of a healthy relationship with a partner. Shame was and remains my core issue. Five years out and abstaining from a relationship or sex of any kind, has provided me the healing and growth I’ve experienced. Being alone is one of the most difficult, yet courageous things a survivor can do for themselves and their recovery, in my opinion. For a sexual abuse survivor, removing sex and romantic relationships from the healing equation, is like taking away oxygen. For me, it became an escape from myself. Familiarity with sexual abuse, was not just sex = love, but was also incredibly addictive. I’m so happy to be free of this.

    The path to peace and liberation is a long and difficult one, but so well worth the journey.

    Your article was very thought provoking and I greatly appreciate it.

    • Alethea says:

      I wasn’t “victim blaming” anyone. I was referring to the rude, angry personal attacks that I have encountered on other sexual abuse survivor forums for daring to bring this topic up. Regardless of someone’s history, it never gives them a right to be personally insulting or to attack another person with anger.

      I have had ample reasons -more than many– to have taken my own life, and wanted to many times, so yes, I too know full well about wanting to commit suicide, but if a soul takes their own life, they take with them ALL their unhealed pain and emotions, and do not go to peace. I do not know why you would think suicide brings peace. Karma and suffering are a part of this life and if we don’t work it out here, we take it with us.

      Your views on the mind/body/disease connection are outdated and unaware. I have suffered from disease and illness and chronic pain that is unimaginable to most people, and done so without RX drugs, or marijuana. I have completely healed from those diseases and illnesses, by healing my subconscious mind.

      If you read my articles on this, you would know that not only did I have the disease from hell, ME/CFS, but I have healed from it 100% because I worked with the mind. I have also healed from shingles, migraines, and much much more.
      You mentioned chemicals and hormones in our body, but the mind has the ability to alter our chemicals and hormones, and to heal them.

      There is ample research on how child abuse alters our brain and chemical body. I have also regained my eyesight and no longer have to wear reading glasses, and the mind healed me of menopausal symptoms as well.

      You can rid yourself of those two auto immune diseases that you say you have no control over. But if you think you will always have them, then you will. Contact me for my therapist’s phone number, and she can liberate you from your disease and suffering like she did me.

      Links below:

      https://ordinaryevil.wordpress.com/in-order-to-eradicate-disease-of-the-mind-and-body-people-need-to-heal-the-diseases-of-their-soul/

      https://ordinaryevil.wordpress.com/the-power-of-the-human-mind-can-create-and-heal-disease-and-illness/

      https://ordinaryevil.wordpress.com/psycho-analysis-is-the-analysis-of-the-soul/

      https://ordinaryevil.wordpress.com/change-your-life-with-award-winning-hypno-analyst-lecturer-and-dame-of-honor/

  6. PDD says:

    One observation: the perpetrator is 100% at fault, yes. But all too often (don’t need to tell you this), it is the perpetrator(s) that are 100% at fault: the actual abuser, and the second adult who enabled, ignored, or otherwise was complicit in not stopping the abuse when he/she had the means.

    • Alethea says:

      Thank you PDD. You pointed out something very important. Yes, the co-abusers (those who know what is happening and do nothing to stop it) are also the guilty ones.

  7. Thank you. I think you deserve a Nobel Peace Prize for this act of courage. God bless you.
    Paula

  8. comi says:

    A beutiful and insightfull story. Thanks for that. Im a 44 year old male and know little of abuse but this rings a bell of recognition. Im a truuth seeker as well and have gone down that same path healing myself from childhood issues myself. I agree on the sickness from mental issues angle. This includes the heavyweight diseases.. Sickness is mental to a large degree although they are increasing the probabilities with all the deliberate and known toxins in food and water. Floride, amalgam fillings, gmo to name a few. Thanks again, Collin. TRUTH heals 🙂

    • Alethea says:

      Dear Collin,

      You are 100% correct. Sickness is mental to a large degree, and in my experience -and in that of my therapist’s 40 years of experience- most illness and disease is created by repressed, unhealed emotions. Not only did I heal from diseases and illness that the medical industry says have no cure or treatment for, but my therapist has healed people with gout, kidney stones, a breast lump, epilepsy, eye disease, and much more.

      Yes, GMOs, water, chemtrails, hormones, anti-biotics, red meat, pesticides, and drugs and other chemicals in food and water, and in the earth, cause physical diseases…but the human mind is the number one cause –especially in people who have weak areas of the body already –weak areas due to repressed, unhealed pain.

      In addition, I know someone who is vegan, completely organic, does Pilates and yoga every day, and who does not smoke or drink, and who enjoys nature all day long, and he got cancer. I know that his cancer is due to his unhealed issues with his parents.

      Thanks Collin, for being so open and honest, and for commenting.

  9. KevinF says:

    Excellent article, Alethea. Really insightful and triggering on a lot of levels. Most survivors don’t want to go to these places and nobody else wants to even hear about them. People just want you to heal yourself quickly and then shut up and move on. Thanks for pointing these out and best wishes for 2016.

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