“Cry out with a hundred thousand tongues; the world is rotten because of silence!”
~Saint Catherine of Siena.
Many people -even survivors of child sexual abuse- are disturbed by my honesty. But my articles are written for those who have experienced what I have, and who want to hear the truth.
Every topic about child sexual abuse demands to be addressed, and thus, survivors can get hurt and angry, and have their wounds pried open. But truth is compassion.
People need to evolve and heal, not stay stuck in their dysfunction and pain.
People must face their wounds in order to heal them. Hiding serves no purpose. Pretending helps no one. Avoiding truth is a sickness in this world, and on the soul of those who were sexually abused as children.
By writing this article, I hope to help people to come to their truth about any physiological reaction they experienced from being sexually abused –any bodily reaction that created pleasure, or even an orgasm.
I want people to know they are not alone! I want other abuse survivors to understand that they are okay…that any physical pleasure or enjoyment from the sexual abuse or molestation –or even rapes– is normal and nothing to be ashamed of.
A child does not have any understanding of “right and wrong” when they have been groomed by a sexual abuser –especially when they had no other love from anyone else, and when their body just does what the body does.
If you were sexually abused or raped by anyone –even by someone of the same sex– and you felt pleasure, or your body responded to oral sex, or the rape, or you went to your abuser for love, to gain acceptance, or to feel human contact with someone you cared about, or with someone you wanted to care about you, or if you felt sad when the abuse ended…. let me assure you that you are not alone, and you are among millions of survivors of child sexual abuse who were cheated, confused, and betrayed by their body because they were too young to know any better.
You might have come from a home that had very little love or affection, and maybe you were even resented by your parents. You might even have been sexually abused by one of your parents, or your brother, or an uncle, or even a grandparent or sister…. and you have probably wanted to die inside because you lived with so much shame and disgust at yourself for taking pleasure in the sexual abuse with your parent, other relative, or even a Minister/Rabbi/Priest.
Know this…the only disgusting person was the perpetrator who tricked you into thinking that being sexual with them was “love,” or that you needed to do it in order to gain their approval or affection, or to be treated well.
But we cannot heal from what we do not want to deal with. We cannot expel what we are too afraid or ashamed to think about. We cannot heal ourselves, children, or the earth if we do not stop lying to ourselves, and speak these ugly truths to one another, and allow those truths to be spoken.
Human beings, especially children, have a need for love, attention, and affection. They will often take it any way they can get it –even if that need is fulfilled by a sexual predator.
This can cause a deeply embedded “guilt neurosis” in the victim.
Experts would do better by victims, if they openly discussed this and did not allow it to be just one more dirty little secret that victims have to deal with by themselves because no body wants to hear about “THAT” subject.
Subsequently, the victim feels isolated, different, defective, and left to try and heal this on their own, or in most cases, they will not heal it at all because they will not face it without someone helping them to be honest with themselves.
It is truth, which liberates the victim from their self-made prison.
To be quite clear –the perpetrator is 100% at fault. The child rapist, or the child molester, is the one who manipulated and coerced the child. The predator is the one who holds sole responsibility for the the acts, for the child’s reaction to the abuse, and for the crime.
Letting Go of Repressed Guilt Can Set You Free
But in order to heal this issue, victims need to hear that it’s okay to admit they enjoyed some of the sexual abuse, and if they are not allowed to grieve that guilt out of their mind and body, then they will always feel there is something wrong inside themselves.
I spent years with an unknown feeling inside, an instinctual feeling that there was “something deeply wrong with me.” I had no idea what was wrong with me. It was merely a deep knowing –a strange feeling that something was not okay inside me.
I was not able to expel that wretched feeling until I began to remember, and feel the truths of going to my father for sex, having orgasms with him, and that I enjoyed the attention and felt competitive with my mother.
I needed to feel those realities, release the emotions, and to validate with my own self, that there was nothing wrong with those feelings.
It is vital to speak openly about this subject, because if we do not, victims will develop a guilt neurosis that can cause them a lifetime of physical and psychological problems.
If victims of rape and child sexual abuse, who felt pleasure or went to their abusers for more –if they are not given the truth, or not allowed to remember the truth, they will suffer the rest of their lives with repressed guilt.
I suffered for two decades with repressed guilt. It took me that long to allow myself to fully remember, accept, and to heal those ugly truths.
I hope this article helps others to not have to wait that long.
In order for the soul to heal itself, it needs truth.
Below is a list of the ways in which my guilt over having felt pleasure and orgasms, and intimate contact, with my father had affected my life.
Please note that this is NOT a symptom check-list. This is not a list of symptoms that one should, or can, use to determine if they have repressed guilt like I did. This list is MY experience, my personal list of symptoms, but it can be used as a reference by others..
- Chronic stomach aches
- Serious problems with food (which would have been defined as several different “eating disorders.”)
- Migraine headaches
- Back pain
- Chronic fatigue syndrome pain
- Severe gas pains
- Self-sabotaging behavior (not allowing myself to experience joy, making life harder for myself).
- “Accidentally” cutting myself with kitchen utensils and kitchen knives on a regular basis.
- “Accidentally” banging my head on objects all the time.
- Fear of having fun.
- Not allowing myself any pleasure or enjoyment.
- Sexual dysfunction.
- Extreme need for attention from men in order to establish my self-worth.
- Repressed anger over having been cheated into thinking the sexual abuse with my father was “love.”
In my case, my guilt neurosis was magnified with the fact that my mother punished me, not my father, for the incest. There were also incidents of being punished immediately after having felt sexual pleasure with him. This really screwed with my psyche for a long time. As soon as something good or enjoyable ended in my adult life I would immediately experience a negative physical reaction, or depression.
Right after the enjoyment ended, it is as if I was saying, “okay, I’ve had a good time, so now I have to pay for it,” and thus, my unhealed subconscious made me pay with physical suffering.
I also suffered with psychosomatic symptoms because when the abuse ended, I was disturbed by that. People need to know that that many children disclose child sexual abuse because it has ended, and not to end the abuse.
Some children only tell because their abuser has started to molest a younger sibling, and the previous victim tells someone about the abuse out of jealousy. This is common, normal, and nothing to be ashamed of! The child was victimized and sexualized, and the guilt lays 100% on the abuser.
I believe that one of the worst violations of child sexual abuse and incest is not the rape of innocence, or the physical violence. It is not the emotional pain of betrayal by a trusted care-giver, or even the death threats and secrecy. For me, the worst part of child sexual abuse is the psychological violation of having confused the child into thinking that the sexual abuse was “love” –and I am positive that this issue has led to countless cases of eating disorders, over-eating, and other unhealthy relationships with food.