Why “Evil Sits at the Dinner Table?”



The reason this Blog is titled “Evil Sits at the Dinner Table” is because the human face of evil is rarely the ugly monsters we are given as evil by the media, society, and even by ourselves.

The human face of evil is often our father or step-father, our parent’s best-friend, a trusted family friend, the “good” neighbor, our grandfather, grandmother, brother, uncle –sometimes even our sister or mother.

The day I began this Blog, it was primarily to overpower the fear ingrained in me as a child –fear that embedded itself into every fiber of my mind and body.

As a child, I was told to keep the family secrets –under penalty of death.

We are only as sick as our secrets


Death threats with weapons, fear-related trauma, and terror do not just ‘fly out the window’ when a victim grows into adulthood.

The day I began this Blog, it was to combat the threat of secrecy –to defy my family’s code of silence. It was to overcome the power my biological family had over my mind and body.

This Blog was also created to break the taboos surrounding child sexual abuse and incest –to address the fact that, for many abuse victims, there were times that it felt good.

Children have an intuitive need for love, it is their essential nature. When there is sexual abuse, there is no dimension of choice and no child is guilty of liking what they are given.

Being sexually abused often brings pleasure mixed with pain. The dynamics are complex and conflicting. Child sexual abuse is the most harmful thing a human being can do to a child. It is especially harmful when the abuser tricks the child by manipulating the child’s need for love and by sexually arousing the child. When it is a parent who does this, it is emotionally overwhelming.

This aspect of child sexual abuse has not been touched upon enough in other forums, in the media, in society, or even by the victims themselves. Yet once a person shares their innermost secrets, it helps break the ice for others. I am hoping that as I dare to open my heart about that which no one wants to discuss, other survivors will find that for the first time in their lives it gives them permission to admit to themselves -and maybe even to others- that they were not always completely unhappy about the sexual abuse –allow me to be clear…no matter how the child responds, it is ABUSE.

This Blog is also a way to bring awareness about the taboo fact that child sex abuse -primarily, same-sex child sexual abuse- can cause a person to become sexually confused as an adult and they can end up thinking they are gay or lesbian.

I also began this Blog in order to validate the countless victims of child sexual abuse, who are angrier with their mother for not protecting them, than they are at the perpetrator for abusing them.

This Blog is also an avenue to aid those who suffer the hell of myalgic encephalomyelitis (also known as chronic fatigue syndrome, or CFIDS), because THERE IS A CURE.

I suffered more than fifteen years with Myalgic encephalomyelitis. I have been completely cured of that wretched disease. The disease was my mind, expressing through my body, repressed memories of childhood incest and trauma. I had mentally blocked out the trauma, so my body did the suffering.

I also suffered from a multitude of other physical afflictions, including shingles, migraines, IBS, and a long list of other serious and debilitating illnesses. I have subsequently healed from those afflictions as well.

This Blog is also a way to counter the institutions, media, mental health experts, and general public who still deny that victims of sexual abuse can completely repress having been sexually abused, and often do not recall the memories until adulthood.

Blocking out traumatic memories is a normal reaction in some children, and as an adult, when the memories begin to come into consciousness, denial can be a part of the memories themselves. The child denied to survive, so the adult will try and repeat that pattern. The denial system tries desperately to take control of the situation once again and the mind goes back to the old familiar patterns of survival.

We don’t want to believe that the person we love could possibly have done such disturbing things to us. Our minds do not easily accept such information and we can vehemently cling to the need to see only the good side of those who broke our trust. The memories of abuse take a nap so the child can function. Society takes a nap from the knowledge of child sexual abuse and incest, and this collective denial becomes the child abuser’s best friend.

Children and adults who find the courage to tell someone what has happened to them often learn quickly that it is safer and more comfortable to remain silent. There is often psychological punishment from the friends and family members who liked it much better when the truth was hidden. I learned this in the most emotionally brutal way possible.

I am hoping that, by exposing my darkest secrets on this Blog, someone else may produce their own fortitude.

Truth brings healing, and it takes an inner strength that we never knew we had to speak about that which is abhorrent to ourselves and to mainstream society. It takes a soul that is longing to be free, and a will to do anything to get there. Survivors of abuse are strong, we are not weak. We have endured seemingly unbearable things, and have lived through a tremendous amount of agony.

This Blog reveals how the words “let it go,” “what’s past is past,” and “move on with your life” are an absurdity to the psyche, spirit, and body of those who have been sexually abused as children, and that the passing of time is an enemy to survivors who have not gotten in touch with their wounds.

I am hoping that this century will enable a change to take place. I am hoping that survivors who read this Blog will want to be a part of that change by transforming their pain into strength, and using that power to speak out against the act of raping a child’s innocence. We were stifled as children, told to remain silent, threatened to obey, and forced to keep the secret. Now we can finally speak out. Now it is safe to tell our story, and in doing so, we rescue ourselves, support other survivors, and can stop innocent children from becoming victims.



12 Responses to Why “Evil Sits at the Dinner Table?”

  1. lauloulew says:

    Apologies for posting this comment here, but I was reading your fantastic post on the girl in the box and the page wouldn’t let me comment! I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through and in complete awe of the way you handle yourself. You should be proud. I’m writing a review on my blog about the TV doc on the girl in the box, would I be able to link to your post?

  2. Chi says:

    I read your article on “Girl in a box,” and was very touched by your candid revelations about your own horror stories of growing up in an abusive household. I am very fortunate that I was raise in a loving, safe environment. So in that aspect the relatability is non-existant, however, as a fellow human being, I am outraged to hear that such abuse can be perpetrated to another living being by a human being. What Ms. Stan , you, and so many others, both male and female, have endured makes me think how our humanity is still in the dark ages while technology keeps advancing. The thing that struck me was the part on “attachments.” I wonder how much of it is attachments v. empathy? The victims display the most extraordinary reaches of the human condition on all levels: physically, mentally, and spiritually. To be able to look upon a perpetrator with compassion is a true testament of our humanity, dare I say our divinty?. Not to get too metaphysical, but it can only be seen as something similar to what Jesus experienced during the Passion. Even with all his pain, torture, mind manipulation, and suffering, he still loved, forgave, and blessed.

    • Alethea says:

      No Chi, I disagree with you. Many victims, like myself, had wanted to kill their abusers as children, or were happy when they died, or hated them the entire time they were being sexually abused –while at the same time, displaying the attachment behavior with the abuser.

      Instead of empathy, it might be better labeled that the child “identified” with their abuser in some way, like with guilt and self-loathing: “I am just as vile as this person sexually abusing and torturing me. After-all, I must be defective to be treated this way.”

      Any child, or adult person, who is able to look upon their perpetrator with compassion, is indeed doing so from a place of The Divine, but psychologically speaking, this is uncommon.

      Jesus is God, and anyone who can raise their consciousness to the level that He was at, can call themselves a child of God, but it is uncommon for the victim to do so until much later in life, and with much hard spiritual work.

  3. PDD says:

    Haven’t seen any recent posts to your blog. Just checking in

  4. Twaine says:

    What is most shocking in the comments is how many targets had mothers who did nothing!
    Although my children were two girls, if I caught my son, or anyone else harming them, I’m quite fearful as to what might happen.

    My two girls were attacked by the kults in California “great Top 5% schools”, and the abuse included teachers, counselors, and even coaches, each with their usually on the line digs/attacks.

    One was trafficked and both have had some sort of mind control; both are quite beautiful, and had younger lives that were quite normal, until middle school. This is when the smear/attacks by the kult began.

    I hope you’ll research that CES device and write an article that may help some of your other trauma readers heal. The kult attacked me too with trauma attacks, but it was far different than that experienced by others on this blog and was to prevent me from forming a response; just when I thought it had been dealt with they murdered my dog and stirred up the PTSD.

    Great blog; thanks again!

  5. JenL says:

    God bless you for refusing to be silenced. Sometimes evil comes disguised as good. I like what Judith Herman the trauma therapist says: the perpetrator’s first line of defense is secrecy and silence. Their second line of defense is to discredit you.
    And P.S. you were always something beautiful, no matter what you went through.

  6. Hi, I am so pleased I read this as you have explained it v. simply that trust is v. often betrayed by those closest to us and child and adult abuse takes many forms including emotional, verbal, physical and sexual abuse. I am launching Against misogyny & child abuse to work on preventing this and the horrendous crimes taking place. I am breaking the silence, speaking out to encourage others and teaching children to speak up, out, know how to report. Take care

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