The reason this Blog is titled “Evil Sits at the Dinner Table” is because the human face of evil is rarely the ugly monsters we are given as evil by the media, society, and even by ourselves.
The human face of evil is often our father or step-father, our parent’s best-friend, a trusted family friend, the “good” neighbor, our grandfather, grandmother, brother, uncle –sometimes even our sister or mother.
The day I began this Blog, it was primarily to overpower the fear ingrained in me as a child –fear that embedded itself into every fiber of my mind and body.
As a child, I was told to keep the family secrets –under penalty of death.
Death threats with weapons, fear-related trauma, and terror do not just ‘fly out the window’ when a victim grows into adulthood.
The day I began this Blog, it was to combat the threat of secrecy –to defy my family’s code of silence. It was to overcome the power my biological family had over my mind and body.
This Blog was also created to break the taboos surrounding child sexual abuse and incest –to address the fact that, for many abuse victims, there were times that it felt good.
Children have an intuitive need for love, it is their essential nature. When there is sexual abuse, there is no dimension of choice and no child is guilty of liking what they are given.
Being sexually abused often brings pleasure mixed with pain. The dynamics are complex and conflicting. Child sexual abuse is the most harmful thing a human being can do to a child. It is especially harmful when the abuser tricks the child by manipulating the child’s need for love and by sexually arousing the child. When it is a parent who does this, it is emotionally overwhelming.
This aspect of child sexual abuse has not been touched upon enough in other forums, in the media, in society, or even by the victims themselves. Yet once a person shares their innermost secrets, it helps break the ice for others. I am hoping that as I dare to open my heart about that which no one wants to discuss, other survivors will find that for the first time in their lives it gives them permission to admit to themselves -and maybe even to others- that they were not always completely unhappy about the sexual abuse –allow me to be clear…no matter how the child responds, it is ABUSE.
This Blog is also a way to bring awareness about the taboo fact that child sex abuse -primarily, same-sex child sexual abuse- can cause a person to become sexually confused as an adult and they can end up thinking they are gay or lesbian.
I also began this Blog in order to validate the countless victims of child sexual abuse, who are angrier with their mother for not protecting them, than they are at the perpetrator for abusing them.
This Blog is also an avenue to aid those who suffer the hell of myalgic encephalomyelitis (also known as chronic fatigue syndrome, or CFIDS), because THERE IS A CURE.
I suffered more than fifteen years with Myalgic encephalomyelitis. I have been completely cured of that wretched disease. The disease was my mind, expressing through my body, repressed memories of childhood incest and trauma. I had mentally blocked out the trauma, so my body did the suffering.
I also suffered from a multitude of other physical afflictions, including shingles, migraines, IBS, and a long list of other serious and debilitating illnesses. I have subsequently healed from those afflictions as well.
This Blog is also a way to counter the institutions, media, mental health experts, and general public who still deny that victims of sexual abuse can completely repress having been sexually abused, and often do not recall the memories until adulthood.
Blocking out traumatic memories is a normal reaction in some children, and as an adult, when the memories begin to come into consciousness, denial can be a part of the memories themselves. The child denied to survive, so the adult will try and repeat that pattern. The denial system tries desperately to take control of the situation once again and the mind goes back to the old familiar patterns of survival.
We don’t want to believe that the person we love could possibly have done such disturbing things to us. Our minds do not easily accept such information and we can vehemently cling to the need to see only the good side of those who broke our trust. The memories of abuse take a nap so the child can function. Society takes a nap from the knowledge of child sexual abuse and incest, and this collective denial becomes the child abuser’s best friend.
Children and adults who find the courage to tell someone what has happened to them often learn quickly that it is safer and more comfortable to remain silent. There is often psychological punishment from the friends and family members who liked it much better when the truth was hidden. I learned this in the most emotionally brutal way possible.
I am hoping that, by exposing my darkest secrets on this Blog, someone else may produce their own fortitude.
Truth brings healing, and it takes an inner strength that we never knew we had to speak about that which is abhorrent to ourselves and to mainstream society. It takes a soul that is longing to be free, and a will to do anything to get there. Survivors of abuse are strong, we are not weak. We have endured seemingly unbearable things, and have lived through a tremendous amount of agony.
This Blog reveals how the words “let it go,” “what’s past is past,” and “move on with your life” are an absurdity to the psyche, spirit, and body of those who have been sexually abused as children, and that the passing of time is an enemy to survivors who have not gotten in touch with their wounds.
I am hoping that this century will enable a change to take place. I am hoping that survivors who read this Blog will want to be a part of that change by transforming their pain into strength, and using that power to speak out against the act of raping a child’s innocence. We were stifled as children, told to remain silent, threatened to obey, and forced to keep the secret. Now we can finally speak out. Now it is safe to tell our story, and in doing so, we rescue ourselves, support other survivors, and can stop innocent children from becoming victims.