Who I am is not nearly as important as my story is.
In 1994 I suddenly became seriously ill with a disease that some of the best medical doctors in the country could not diagnose. After almost a year of debilitating physical suffering, unrelenting fear, repeated examinations, lab tests, EKGs, heart stress tests, an MRI, and intrusive medical procedures –all of which amounted to more than $30,000, doctors finally made a diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome (also known as myalgic encephalomyelitis).
The specialists informed me that there is no cure and no real treatment for the disease. Many physicians are unwilling to take on patients with cfids/ME because of the low recovery rate and the untreatable, incapacitating symptoms. Many cfids/ME patients have committed suicide, but cfids/ME is known by its sufferers as a walking death.
My symptoms included, but were not limited to, irregular heart beat, inability to urinate, frequent urination, neurological problems, debilitating fatigue, intestinal disturbances, chest pain, headaches, chronic sore throats, stomach aches, abdominal pain, nausea, shingles, unexplained choking, and mysterious pelvic pain.
I had scores of other physical afflictions, which can be found by reading my article The Power of the Human Mind Can Create and Heal Disease and Illness
Over the fifteen years that I was most sick, I experienced more than seventy different physical ailments. The physical manifestations would alternate but the pain and suffering was a daily experience.
While I was sick, I also experienced phobias, insomnia, excessive fear, panic attacks, nightmares, hypervigilance, severe depression, unbalanced anger and rage, eating disorders, an excessive hatred of women, mood swings, suicidal thoughts, an abnormal fear of dying, no self-worth, being reclusive, feeling estranged from life, and an inability to trust anyone.
After medical doctors told me there was no cure, and no treatment, and after seeing three mainstream psychological professionals who were also no help, I turned to alternative healing in the form of hypnoanalysis.
Let me be clear; hypno-analysis is quite different from hypnosis.
Prior to beginning the therapy, I had retained only a few memories of my entire childhood, but I had always brushed this aside as ‘just one of those things.’
When I began the hypnotherapy, I was unaware that people can mentally block significant events from their mind and recall them later in life. In November of 1997 I discovered that people can indeed have total amnesia for trauma and incest, and that it can create serious mental and physical problems.
I learned about dissociative amnesia (known as repressed memory) in a very personal way when I remembered that my father, who was a Los Angeles police officer, sexually abused me as a child -including rape-for my entire childhood.
A very significant part of repressing the incest, was that my mother did nothing to stop the abuse by my father, she blamed me for it, punished me for it, facilitated the incest with her silence and with death threats, and she sexually abused me herself.
When I was three years-old, I also witnessed a very serious crime committed by my police-officer father, and by my mother. It traumatized me beyond comprehension and created countless physical afflictions and psychosomatic ailments in me as an adult –all of which, were healed through my therapy, by remembering the incident, and healing it at the subconscious level.
Until the day that my traumatic memories began to return, I had never heard of dissociative amnesia or repressed memories. As I progressed in therapy, and as more memories emerged, I began to research dissociative amnesia (repressed memory, traumatic amnesia) and discovered that repression is understandable, common, and a logical way for a child to protect themselves.
However, repression begins to fade as the victim grows older. Later in adulthood, the subconscious mind begins to create psychosomatic symptoms, illness, disease, and psychological dysfunction in the now-adult survivor. Repressed emotional trauma must be addressed at the subconscious level, and healed, or the person will develop more serious symptoms, and they will never be free of their past.
My full recovery from myalgic encephalomyelitis, shingles, PTSD, chronic heart problems, migraines, and from all of the other life-altering physical and psychological problems was not due to any medical procedure, herb, vitamin, yoga, conventional psychotherapy, “positive thinking,” or pharmaceutical drug.
My total recovery from CFIDS/myalgic encephalomyelitis and the rest of my hell, depended upon breaking through three decades of amnesia for the incest. The only thing which set me free from the CFIDS/myalgic encephalomyelitis –and what ultimately healed me from my childhood horrors– was to allow myself to finally recall the incest and death threats, and then to release my long-repressed grief –and to transmute the traumatic memories at the Subconscious level.
The hypnoanalysis therapy provided the only relief for my physical suffering. My body had been a walking memory which was unable to speak for more than thirty years. The CFIDS/ME was a substitute language. The voice from my past screamed at me in the form of incapacitating and frightening symptoms, which according to most medical doctors, have no known cause or cure.
Healing with the mind has liberated me from the myth that mental disorders are not able to be healed with the mind itself, or that serious psychological wounds cannot be fully healed.
The powers of the human mind to heal physical disease has also blown me away. I have proven some of the best medical doctors in the United States to be wrong. I am walking proof that -the subconscious mind not only has the ability to create debilitating and serious disease and illness- but that the mind can also heal those very diseases.
The therapy I do has even restored my eyesight. I no longer have to wear reading glasses, and I am as healthy as I was in my twenties.
As of the update to this post (October 2015), I am currently still in therapy for two remaining symptoms, which are linked to aspects of my childhood, and teenage years, that I have not yet disclosed on my Blog.
But I continue to evolve and I am finding my true self…being true to myself, and knowing myself from a deeply intense level, and not from the ideas and mis-information that was put in my mind as a child, and by society as an adult.
Further reading about my story and what I have overcome and healed in myself: