In Order To Eradicate Disease of the Mind and Body, People Need To Heal the Diseases of Their Soul

In January of 1994, my life, as I knew it, ended. I was thirty-two years old.

Up until then, I was healthy, physically active, and had no physical or mental diseases.

This all changed when I suddenly came down with a long list of frightening physical problems and psychological issues. I also developed a terrible case of shingles, which is a virus of the nervous system, and can be quite serious.

Myalgic encephalomyelitis (also known as chronic fatigue immune dysfunction syndrome)

After a year of endless physical suffering and so much fear that I used to lay awake at night shaking in my bed, three different doctors diagnosed me with chronic fatigue immune dysfunction syndrome, which is also known as myalgic encephalomyelitis.

Why did it take a year? I don’t know, but I saw some of the best medical doctors in Los Angeles California, at Cedar Sinai and UCLA.

During that year, I endured seemingly endless intrusive and frightening medical tests, which included having instruments inserted into my ears to look for tumors, tubes inserted in my urethra to see if I had a tumor in my bladder, and an MRI to rule out multiple sclerosis or cancer.

Doctors gave me numerous EKGs, heart stress tests, blood tests, chest X-rays, ultrasounds on my bladder and heart, neurological exams, and was tested with pharmaceutical drugs to see which medication might rid me of the suffering. On one occasion, I went to an emergency room in the middle of the night with chest pains… I was only thirty-three years old.

The diagnosis of cfids, was made by two cfids experts and an expert in the field of otolaryngology. The expense of finding a diagnosis amounted to more than $30,000.

In order to confirm what the doctors told me, I read a number of books on the subject, and reviewed material distributed by the CDC and the CFIDS Association of America.

The experts in the field of medicine told me cfids is untreatable and incurable.

I have proven them wrong.

The life-altering, debilitating, and excruciatingly painful physical problems I lived with every day for over fifteen years, have been completely removed through hypno-analysis therapy.

My mind was keeping secrets from me.

When I became sick with cfids, my body was a walking memory of child molestation and child rape, betrayal, lies, emotional pain, emotional trauma, shame, guilt, and extreme FEAR.

Each virtually unbearable cfids symptom -as well as years of depression, nightmares, PTSD, panic attacks, anger and rage issues, sexual problems, and issues with food- was directly linked to the incest I suffered at the hands of both parents -including rape by my POLICE-OFFICER father, as well as having been hit over the head with blunt objects, choked, having knives held to my throat, guns to my head, and locked in closets.

Those secrets were being held in my subconscious mind because, as a child, I could not handle the emotional pain, and my abusers were my sole support of food and shelter, and I was threatened with death several times to keep the family secret. I was choked when I tried to call someone outside the home, and even hit on the head and knocked out for trying to reveal the abuse. I also had a gun held to my head.

My father, who was an L.A.P.D. officer for 25 years, used his police weapons to silence me. Even though he died when I was twelve, he succeeded in terrorizing me for three decades. His threats were kept alive by the power of my subconscious mind.

My mother, also used threats against me to silence me.

And so, I kept the secrets…even from myself.

I was unable to speak or even acknowledge the incest for more than thirty years. The cfids, and all of the other physical and psychological symptoms, became a substitute language.

The physical disease, and psychological anguish, was rooted in my emotional reaction to being sexually abused, threatened with death, terrorized, and abandoned by a mother who willfully facilitated the incest with my father, and sexually abused me herself.

Who wouldn’t feel like this woman in the photo if their mother had betrayed, abandoned, helped rape, or sexually abused her own child? Look at this woman’s face. She is literally saying, “What’s the use?”

Although a number of western medical doctors are beginning to acknowledge that the mind has the ability to create illness in the body, most physicians still prefer to prescribe dangerous drugs or perform surgery to cure every ailment.

However, modern neuroscientists are now discovering what I have known for years, and they are proving the power the mind has -especially, and most importantly- the power of the subconscious mind and it’s ability to cause mental and physical illness.

Example of the conscious and subconscious mind.

Example of the conscious and subconscious mind.

I sought out a multitude of medical experts before finding my therapist, and I was in a desperate state when I did find her because no medical doctor could help me with my suffering.

I also found no relief from herbs, chiropractors, vitamins, eating healthy, or from yoga.

Yoga actually made me worse many years ago because yoga triggered the sexual abuse by my mother.

The hypno-analysis therapy provided the only liberation for my physical and mental anguish.

Link Between chronic fatigue immune dysfunction syndrome and child sexual abuse

“People who had chronic fatigue syndrome, no matter the cause, suffered from much more childhood abuse than the control group” ~ Dr. James Grisolia, Neurologist, Scripps Mercy Hospital

I am not proclaiming that everyone with myalgic encephalomyelitis/cfids was sexually abused as a child or has repressed memories of sexual abuse; but research has discovered a link between childhood abuse and cfids.

I have personally found a high percentage of cfids sufferers who experienced physical or sexual abuse in childhood.

Cfids expert, Dr. Jay Goldstein, told me the majority of his patients had a history of either physical or sexual abuse.

Dr. James Grisolia, a neurologist at Scripps Mercy Hospital in San Diego California, found that people with cfids have suffered child abuse more commonly than those without the disease. Although, Dr. Grisolia says that because child abuse alters hormones and resets the brain, a person who has been abused is more susceptible to disease.

Fred Friedberg, an assistant professor of psychiatry at State University of New York at Stony Brook, also found a link between child abuse and cfids.

Given the fact that I healed from cfids by healing the previously repressed memories of trauma and incest, it is possible that the true percentage of people with me/cfids, who also had an abusive childhood, is much higher than what is reported in sufferers of the disease.

A person cannot report a history of child sexual abuse to a doctor if they are consciously unaware of any childhood abuse.

At the time I was diagnosed with cfids I had not yet started psychotherapy, so I was unable to tell anyone in the medical profession that I had been a victim of incest because, at the time, I had no conscious knowledge of the incest.

One study found, not only a link between childhood sexual abuse and chronic fatigue, but a connection between those with chronic fatigue and having been threatened with death along with sexual abuse.

If a victim is given a threat to keep silent and they obey it to the point of mentally blocking out the threats, and the abuse, then one day the victim’s body will do the talking. Their soul, through the use of the body, will scream out for justice and to be heard.

People who have suffered extreme trauma and sexual abuse, especially incest, cannot repress the emotional pain and trauma forever. Their pain either has to come out consciously or physically. For most people, it comes out in both ways, and usually when a person hits the ages of twenty to forty.

In the United States, most cases of cfids are diagnosed in females ages twenty-five to forty-five. and Cfids is three times more common in women than men.

Child sexual abuse is three times more common in women than men.

The Disease from Hell




Cfids (ME) is a highly complicated disease with a multitude of physical manifestations. Any sufferer of me/cfids knows the symptoms don’t stop with fatigue, nor is it just a matter of being tired. The person with me/cfids can, and most often does, develop a debilitating exhaustion that causes them to become bed ridden, sometimes for days or weeks at a time. They feel lethargic in every fiber of their body and even the mind feels extreme fatigue.

One woman with cfids told me that she used to have to crawl from her bed to the toilet on her hands and knees in order to relieve herself.  (Notably, the woman has always remembered being sexually abused by her father as a child, and her mother did nothing to stop it)

Incapacitating fatigue is only a portion of what a person with me/cfids goes through.

One of the hallmarks of this disease, is that people with me/cfids can look just fine on the outside, and try to show a positive attitude in public, but they may be suffering from multiple uncomfortable symptoms simultaneously.

This was a routine for me that lasted fifteen years. After the first two years of having cfids, I trained myself to bear with the pain and fatigue in order to get through a few errands or attend a social function. People with me/cfids learn to suffer in silence in order to go on with life, but their quality of living is more like a walking death.

Many of my friends and neighbors had NO idea what I was going through while I was sick.

Me/cfids is often only identified after extensive tests, countless doctor visits, and after much time and money is consumed. The symptoms can be extremely difficult to diagnose because cfids affects much of the mind and body, and the sufferer experiences many symptoms at one time.

When I began hypno-therapy, I was on the verge of death. The cfids affected my immune system and vital organs, my heart, bladder, respiratory system, my memory, my bowels, and my neurological system. My psychological and emotional state was on the edge of collapsing and I thought about suicide three times.

For four months I could barely urinate. I went to the bathroom twenty to forty times a day in a futile attempt to expel my urine. Each agonizing time, only a trickle came out. Gynecologists and a top urologist found nothing physiologically wrong.

A typical day for me was being bed-ridden with a fatigue that is indescribable, while also having chronic diarrhea, stomach aches, ringing in my ears, short-term memory loss, pain in my heart, unable to breathe normally, vice-grip headaches, inflamed lymph nodes, inability to urinate, and dizziness.

Severe insomnia plagued me for years, and if I did manage to fall asleep, I was soon awakened by a feeling of forgetting how to breathe.

When I managed to crawl out of bed during the day, meals caused me to want to vomit or I shoveled food in my mouth at alarming rates, and there were numerous days at a time when I could barely eat at all because food made me so nauseous and dizzy that I became afraid to eat.

During the years with cfids, I continually suffered shingles outbreaks.

This is what my neck looked like every six months (photo is a depiction only)

This is what my neck looked like every six months (photo is a depiction only)

The shingles attacked my head and ears with severe pain, and an ugly, bubbly lesion always formed down the left side of my neck. It was embarrassing and painful.

Through deep-introspective, hypnoanalysis therapy, I was able to find the root cause of the shingles outbreaks and I no longer suffer from them. The shingles were a direct link to having been threatened with death with a knife to my throat if I told anyone outside the home about the incest. This is what death threats can do to a child!

The majority of me/cfids sufferers have varying symptoms that are usually not witnessed or noticed by others. Therefore, people frequently consider the person is just “faking it,” or may feel their friend with me/cfids is perfectly healthy but just “a little down.”

Many people with the disease will only go out in public on good days, and are bed-ridden or too sick to leave their home on bad days. A large amount of sufferers are so ill they can no longer work. Others stop attending social functions and cease activities they used to enjoy.

People with cfids can look just fine on the outside, and try to show a positive attitude in public, but in that moment, they may be suffering from multiple uncomfortable symptoms simultaneously.

During the years when the disease was most brutal, my days were filled with seclusion and deep anguish. There were seemingly endless days when I could not function or even go to the grocery store.

I find it interestingly ‘coincidental’ that children being sexually abused, often show little or no sign of the abuse, and can look just fine on the outside, and behave normally in public.

Some people consider me/cfids a death sentence

Me/cfids is known by its sufferers as a walking death. I can testify to this being absolutely true. Many people with me/cfids long for death.

One woman was suffering so much from cfids that she had Dr. Kevorkian help her take her own life, and according to The CFIDS Association of America, people with this disease have a high risk of committing suicide.

Although there are few studies about recovery from cfids, experts say that recovery is uncommon and those who report a recovery still suffer from some of the symptoms, and one-third of those who claimed recovery had a relapse six months later.

“This illness is a nightmare that is extraordinary.” ~Cfids specialist, Dr. David Bell

An expert at John’s Hopkins reveals that scores of doctors are unwilling to take patients with the disease because he says that doing so is “such a downer.”

Prevalence and Diagnosing cfids

Twenty million people have me/cfids worldwide. Many physicians are unwilling to take patients with CFIDS because of the low recovery rate and the untreatable incapacitating symptoms.

Unfortunately, by emphasizing the words “chronic fatigue” experts gave the disease a name that causes the general population to assume that cfids only causes a person to be tired.

It is probably very helpful that the disease is now known as myalgic encephalomyelitis.

This is a highly complicated disease with a multitude of physical manifestations. Any sufferer of cfids knows the symptoms don’t stop with fatigue, nor is it just a matter of being “tired.”

chronic_fatigue_syndrome.304115545_std-1The symptoms and the fatigue affect one’s social life, psychological state, physical activities, employment and ability to attend school.

Herpes, shingles, and chicken pox are common in people with cfids, and doctors report that patients frequently have mitral valve prolapse. MVP is a heart valve malfunction, which I was also diagnosed with.

Below is a list of symptoms associated with the disease. With the exception of fainting, I experienced each of these symptoms, on and off, over a period of fifteen years.

  • Substantial and life-altering decrease in ability to exercise
  • Impaired speech and/or reasoning
  • Visual disturbances
  • Migraines
  • Psychological problems (depression, irritability, anxiety, panic attacks, mood swings)
  • Chills and night sweats
  • Shortness of breath
  • Substantial decrease in the ability to exercise
  • Dizziness or balance problems
  • Alcohol intolerance
  • Irregular heartbeat
  • Irritable bowels (diarrhea, constipation, intestinal gas)
  • Numbness, tingling, or burning sensations in the face or extremities
  • Menstrual problems
  • Chest pains
  • Pathological hunger
  • Ringing in the ears (tinnitus)
  • Sensitivity to noise/sound, odors, chemicals or medications
  • Feeling of having a virus
  • Feeling in a fog
  • Fainting
  • Muscle twitching
  • Pathological (abnormal) or urgent hunger
  • Sore throats
  • Tender cervical or axillary lymph nodes
  • Unusual headaches
  • Unrefreshed sleep
  • Post-exertion malaise
  • Abdominal pain
  • Vertigo
  • Depression
  • IBS (irritable bowel syndrome)
  • Chronic sinus problems
  • Blacking out
  • Nausea
  • Sudden Choking
  • Abdominal pain
  • Unusual or frequent cravings for sugar and breads
  • Severe, abnormal fullness after meals
  • Pain in
  • Irritability
  • Excessive anger
  • Hypoglycemic symptoms
  • Excessive heartburn
  • Insomnia
  • Vertigo
  • Urinary frequency or burning while urinating
  • Tightness in chest
  • Mucus in stools or black stools
  • Vaginal pain
  • Neurological problems
  • Seeing spots before eyes
  • Tachycardia (rapid heart rate) with minimal or no exertion, which may persist for long periods of the day, coming on at any moment and with no known cause.
  • Frequent mood swings
  • Caffeine intolerance

These symptoms indicate that it can be extremely difficult to diagnose cfids. The disease is often only identified after extensive tests, countless doctor visits, and after much time and money is consumed.

During the years that I was most sick with the disease, a typical day consisted of ten or twelve symptoms throughout various periods of the day. In one day, I experienced, rapid heart beat, inflamed lower lymph nodes, difficulty urinating, hemorrhoids, stomach aches, a headache, a tooth ache, dizziness, heart flutters, choking for no known reason, pain inside of my throat, and pathological hunger.

The physical manifestations would alternate but the pain and suffering was always the same, and my sanity and marriage was constantly challenged.

Reaching a diagnosis of me/cfids is frightening, painful, and uncomfortable. I had a forty-five minute MRI, invasive tests inside my ears, medical-induced vertigo, and had catheters inserted in my urethra. I had several EKGs, heart stress tests, blood tests, chest X-rays, ultrasounds on my bladder and heart, neurological exams, and testing with pharmaceutical drugs.

The cure is in one’s own mind and soul

My body had been a walking memory which was unable to speak for more than thirty years. The me/cfids was a substitute language. The voice from my past screamed at me in the form of incapacitating and frightening symptoms. The cause of the disease was unhealed emotional trauma caused by father/daughter incest, maternal incest, death threats, terror (enough to make me wet my bed until I was nine years-old), attempts on my life, physical assaults, mental and physical abandonment by my mother, and a total lack of love.

I sought out a multitude of medical experts. Three of them were highly respected physicians at the well-known Cedar Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles California, and I saw two cfids experts, one at UCLA.

No medical doctor could help me. Hypno-analysis was the only thing that provided relief and an eventual cure and liberation from my physical suffering.

It is excruciatingly painful, shameful, and time-consuming to face one’s childhood sexual abuse and trauma, but I would rather have gone through the process of facing and healing the incest, than to take the hell of me/cfids to my grave.

Psyche means “soul.” Psycho-analysis is the analysis of the human soul.

Twenty years ago, I could no longer ride my bike.


This is me today. I ride my bike at 8,000 feet.

Researchers say no cure for me/cfids exists, but my experience proves that there is a cure.



Childhood trauma and risk for chronic fatigue syndrome: association with neuroendocrine dysfunction. Heim C, Nater UM, Maloney E, Boneva R, Jones JF, Reeves WC., Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, Emory University School of Medicine, Woodruff Memorial Research Bldg, Ste 4311, Atlanta, GA 30322, USA.
Chronic fatigue, abuse-related traumatization, and psychiatric disorders in a community-based sample. Taylor RR, Jason LA. Department of Psychology, DePaul University, Chicago, IL 60614, USA. Other source: Possible influence of defenses and negative life events on patients with chronic fatigue syndrome: Sundbom E, Henningsson M, Holm U, Soderbergh S, Evengard B. Department of Psychology, Umea University, Sweden.
Early adverse experience and risk for chronic fatigue syndrome: results from    a population-based study.Heim C, Wagner D, Maloney E, Papanicolaou DA,        Solomon L, Jones JF,   Unger ER, Reeves WC
Chronic fatigue, abuse-related traumatization, and psychiatric disorders in a community-based sample. Taylor RR, Jason LA Soc Sci Med 2002 Jul; 55(2):247-56
Physiology of Chronic Fatigue Begins to Take Shape, Judy Foreman, Los Angeles Times; Sep 19, 2005; F.3;
CFIDS Association of America,




4 Responses to In Order To Eradicate Disease of the Mind and Body, People Need To Heal the Diseases of Their Soul

  1. You’re to be heavily praised for the courage in speaking out and I have some questions, if you would.

    1) Have you tried CES DEVICES for treatment of these trauma caused side-effects/scars? I stumbled across a CES ULTRA and it freed me from PTSD and depression from attacks originating from these same kults.

    2) Might you be willing to partake in an exploration round table of sorts looking at various treatment modalities that have been successful with targets of these psychological attacks?

    3) Are you aware of the fact fear, trauma, pain and sexual stimulation can result in spirit attachment? (I did not know these ‘suckers’ were real, but they do and feed upon energies humans expel under those circumstances; IMHO this is what MPD / DID actually is and the other language use by some ‘alters’ gives evidence to this likelihood.)

    4) Did God have anything to do with your having broken free?
    (Others seem to have had various experiences they attribute thereto.)

    Thanks again for some great insight!


  2. Hyatt says:

    Me too. Me too. Me too. All of this, all of your story was my story. I could cry to finally witness some solidarity and sisterhood in my life. Thank you.

    I was traumatized as much by having CFIDS and the symptoms, the disbelief by family and friends, the accusations of malingering, of being lazy, spoiled, etc… the lost days, the incomplete and terrifying various misdiagnoses, the daily terror and terror is putting it mildly ( I had married and became symptomatic–the stress of marriage and the trigger of being intimate I’m sure tipped the scales as well), the inability to function or name what was wrong physically (and of course I was living with repressed memories then) as anything else (I have a medical background and knew I had neurological problems but all the docs told me was I was probably dying or had a slow growing brain tumor or MS, so my 1st years of marriage I thought I was dying of some awful strange thing). Even our ages match up as to getting sick, even our symptoms. It took me 10 years to get a diagnosis.

    I am 20 years out from my CFIDS diagnosis (and fibromyalgia) (but 30 years out from getting sick–still here 🙂 however) and from recovering memories of the abuse at the hands of my father (and a pathological mother) and 15 years out from recovering memories from being raped by police detectives that would make a Lifetime expose made for tv movie look like a picnic in the park. I am beginning to believe that yes, my parents, both of them were probably sexually abused somewhere along the way AND b/c they did not or CHOSE not to get help but instead blame me in particular for every problem that came along, became sociopaths. I have given them a dodge for too many years. There is no way they could have gotten away with what was done to me, to another child outside our home and not be called sadist sociopaths. I am continually disgusted by the APA and medical and psych communities that diagnose the victim with a pathological problem (which I have BUT, it arose naturally and predictably, as a result of horrendous abuse and secrets). THEY are the ones that should get the labels, not me. I was never the cause of my problems, only the result of theirs and it’s taken me decades of healing to write this resentment at the establishment. My father has been discussed in too many psychiatrists offices to count, and as many therapists, and when I ask them how they would diagnose my father, they are at a loss. Only one said he suffered from sexual paraphilias. That doesn’t work for me. My father was a full blown sociopath and my mother followed right along consciously and willingly going to the dark side the whole way. My opinion is that anyone sick enough to molest a child and require by death the need for it to be a secret, is a sociopath and is not fit for living in the civilized world (or what passes for it)

    I am relatively symptom free after 1) recalling the memories (unfortunately I ‘abbreacted’ my way thru them all and caused more trauma perhaps. 2) went on SSI and this is important, b/c I’m clear, if I had to work during this time of being so ill and recalling memories, I’d be dead. 3). both parents are finally dead and I am in no contact with my pathological family 4) began a long process even outside of therapy that made connections with the unconscious viciously abused child that I was by, recording dreams *(they continually revealed all sorts of symbols of truth and realities), diet, sleep, creating boundaries (not so great but I tried), got the sleep I needed, got used to or got over being misunderstood and marginalized for the abuse and the disease of CFIDS–I just stopped caring what others thought, or their judgments about me or the time I took for me versus being so codependent.

    Entering therapy initially I could NOT identify ANY emotions when prodded. All I could say is I felt terror and anxiety. Nothing else. I cried entire years of sessions away without knowing why. I remembered the abuse after my father died, I was not in therapy then, but had been on a month long meditation and silent retreat (cried thru the last week of it w/out knowing why). I sincerely believe that my health began to improve the day I began therapy and began to cry and get grief out. My health slowly improved after I remembered what I’d lived thru since 2 or 3 on.

    I don’t push it now. I still live a modified life–but that is mostly residual depression over so much loss and disconnection. I am learning new behaviors in DBT and ACT which have helped enormously, plus process oriented therapy–where I tell my story and spiral the narrative with new insights and recognitions each time. I, like most of us, received no parenting much less love or protection or compassion. I was in fact, the ‘black sheep’ or ‘bad seed’—the scapegoat that received all my family’s sins and got blamed for everything, and was abandoned repeatedly for “being the reason the entire family wasn’t happy”. I’m sure everyone here knows the drill. It is a beyond lonely and tragic place to live. The abuse set me off in a silent isolated compartment where I was a freak and so bad, on every level that I didn’t deserve connection–the secrets were so dark, so evil, that I literally felt ugly and overwhelming to anyone, so I kept myself separate). My needs (valid ones) were leaking out everywhere and I couldn’t ‘see’ myself in order to attempt to meet them. The illness served the exact same function of keeping me feeling isolated and freakish—particularly before diagnosis, but I find most ppl utterly clueless about it today and suspicious of it as well so I tend not to mention it. Of course I rarely ever mention my abuse as well, b/c no one (outside of truly compassionate, listening folks) simply don’t want to hear it. They will utter sympathetic sayings if they hear about a rape victim “out there” somewhere, but they don’t want to get anywhere close to someone like me who’s experienced catastrophic sexual abuse. This tells me we as a society are no where close to stopping incest/sexual abuse in families, or institutions yet. I receive immense support in therapy and DBT and of course on blogs such as yours.

    Thank you a million times over for your work. I feel so validated when I read how not alone I am.

    BTW, you look utterly AMAZING! This is what victory over abuse looks like! :). So very happy for you. And I KNOW the hard, brutal work that you have done to get to this place.

    • Alethea says:


      What an awesome thing to have someone with cfids, and a very similar story to have found my Blog, and instead of condemning me for daring to express these truths, you are happy and sharing your story.

      Many people with cfids have not liked what I know to be truth. I cannot say “I believe”…because I KNOW from first-hand true experience.

      Hyatt, the neurological problems were very scary. I thought for certain I had a tumor, or some deadly disease.
      I am pretty blown away that it took ten years for your diagnosis…wow..

      “There is no way they could have gotten away with what was done to me, to another child outside our home and not be called sadist sociopaths.”

      What a great observation! And without being arrested and put in prison! I am always amazed at how many child sex crimes are allowed to be excused because it is the person’s own child, and not the neighbor’s child that they rape, traumatize, and molest for years.

      The APA, medical and psych communities are killing people with dangerous drugs.

      “ Of course I rarely ever mention my abuse as well, b/c no one (outside of truly compassionate, listening folks) simply don’t want to hear it.”

      Oh, you mean the moment when you feel safe enough to tell someone, and they look at you like you have six heads?

      Thank you from every fiber of my being for expressing yourself here –for being open and truthful, and willing to tell your story so that I know that what I am doing is worth something!

      Thank you for walking the planet with me.


  3. Alethea says:

    Good morning Mads. I have not had time to answer your fabulous comments yet, but yes, it does link to her FB Page. Can you copy the comments and re-post (paste them) again with your account? I would hate to lost that long comment you made, as it is helpful to others.

    Thank you so much!

    Have a beautiful day…

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