Breaking Social Taboos About Child Sexual Abuse Perpetrated by the Same Sex

One of my readers asked why I feel it is worse when a woman sexually abuses children, especially when a woman abuses a female child. I thought I would answer this question in an entire post because it is a vital topic.

I know this post is going to create a tremendous amount of anger and controversy, but I don’t care. I must be true to myself.

Over the past decade, I have made huge steps to heal my fear of self-expression and of breaking social taboos. It takes a very long time to expel what family secrets and death threats with a knife do to a child, and I almost didn’t post this article because of fear. But after personal reflection, I discovered how liberating it is to post it without worrying if I will lose readers, or if I anger a certain group of people. I simply don’t care. To quote the great Janis Joplin, “Freedom is just another word for nothin’ left to lose.”

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There is no question that there are serious after-effects from same-sex child sexual abuse.  Not only does this violation create more profound shame in the victim, but it does so to the point of most victims remaining silent; often forever. The level of rage, sexual dysfunction, physical problems, psychological disorders, eating disorders, and anti-social behavioral problems is much higher among those who were sexually abused by an adult of the same-sex.  In particular, victims of mother/daughter incest also struggle terribly with their sense of self, and experience worthlessness to the lowest level possible.

Some of the female survivors of child sexual abuse that I interviewed for my book, were sexually abused by their mother. These abuse survivors were the more seriously affected. Their symptoms were far worse, and their ability to function in life was significantly lower than the women who were abused by their fathers or other men.

Stronger Degree of Sexual Dysfunction

The issue of sexual arousal, and victim or perpetrator orgasms (especially if the abuser is the child’s mother, or sister), is the predominant factor in the level of sexual dysfunction, physical illness, and mental health disorders in many victims of female/female child sexual abuse.

One of the most disturbing psychological problems for females, who were abused by a woman, is confusion about their sexual orientation. The majority of the victims are inherently heterosexual. They were not born with a tendency towards homosexual desires. This means there is a high probability that the sexual abuse will cause them to become a very sexually confused person. They might not experience the confusion, or even be aware of it until later in adulthood, but at some point, serious problems can arise.

The adult survivor of female/female child sexual abuse might find themselves stimulated by images of women, or attracted to women, but know that they want to be with men. This can cause a person to have serious problems inside themselves; including unwarranted guilt, self-hatred, and rage towards the depiction of homosexuality as being normal, or about seeing homosexuals kiss in public. The person might have an extreme hatred of women, or engage in same-sex affairs, or they might develop an inability to form and maintain close relationships with female friends.

In The Last Secret: Daughters Sexually Abused by Mothers, Bobbie Rosencrans writes that “the homophobia” in our culture creates additional suffering in children who have been sexually abused by an adult of the same-sex. This is not true. What is labeled as “homophobia” is not inherent in children, so any negative feelings experienced  by the victim during same-sex child abuse is not due to any social ideas held by the child. Children are pure. Unlike most adults, children are highly intuitive. Prior to sexual abuse, they are uncontaminated in their mind and body. They know that an act —which is contrary to nature— is being forced upon them.

In addition, what has been labeled as “homophobia” is oftentimes, a person who harbors hatred, or who reacts negatively to homosexuality and homosexual acts, because they were sexually abused as children by an adult of the same-sex. They may still be carrying deep anger over their experience. I don’t judge heterosexuals who appear to be “intolerant” of homosexuality. It might just be someone, violated as a child by an adult of the same-sex, who has not dealt with it yet. In some cases, they might still be dissociating from the abuse and have amnesia about it.

Let me be clear in stating that some heterosexuals violate children of the same-sex, and I am certainly not saying that every homosexual person sexually abuses a child, nor that homosexuality causes child sexual abuse. My recent article about the heterosexual women, who sexually abused their children (of both sexes), shows that heterosexuals do indeed sexually molest children of the same-sex. But one cannot ignore the fact that homosexual feelings in a sexually deviant person, can lead them to only sexually abuse a child of the same-sex. Nor can we ignore the fact that child sexual abuse can cause homosexuality.

Depending on which statistic is used, anywhere between one and ten percent of Americans consider themselves to be homosexual. In the Rosecrans study, which looked at 93 women sexually abused as children by their mothers, it was found that 36% of the women considered themselves lesbian. While some people still continue to try and normalize homosexuality, this study demonstrates that being sexually molested as a child by an adult of the same-sex, can create sexual confusion, causing a person to think they are homosexual when they are intrinsically heterosexual.

Let me also be clear in saying that there are also cases of people who have become gay or lesbian because of a non-sexual experience with a parent or significant authority figure in their childhood. Others were born with a strong propensity towards homosexuality.

If a child’s first experience with sex, is abuse by an adult or teenager of the same-sex, and especially if the child experienced any kind of pleasurable sexual response (or if her abuser had a sexual response), the child can later develop feelings of sexual arousal by a person of the same-sex. She then might become a lesbian when she mistakenly assumes she must be homosexual.

There are also those who swing to the other end of the pendulum with extremely negative reactions to women or to images of female anatomy. Inherently heterosexual women, abused as a child by a woman, might feel disgust at naked women, be repulsed by female anatomy, and hate women. They can reject any kind of female affection, or to being physically close to a woman friend —however healthy and normal the friendship is.

Another extremely complex dynamic, is that the female survivor might be repulsed by images of women, or by women themselves, because somewhere deep inside herself, the survivor is sexually stimulated by them. But because child sexual abuse caused her to feel stimulated, not that she is truly a homosexual; she will deny the feelings with extreme hatred of women or images of women. The reaction of each person is going to depend on many varying factors from childhood.

Most of the literature I have read on mother-daughter incest, and due to a recent discussion I had with a lesbian, it seems to be taboo to dare suggest that a woman, who has lesbian or bi-sexual tendencies, may have become that way because of sexual abuse she suffered from her mother or another woman. I am breaking that taboo. Intellectually speaking, it is clear that many lesbians and gays have had personal experiences with abuse or trauma which created their sexual feelings, and not that they were predisposed to have an attraction to the same-sex.

Sometimes, rape and sexual abuse by a man can cause a woman to become a lesbian. Many female abuse survivors totally reject the idea of men because of trauma and abuse with a man. But women who have pushed aside, or repressed, the fact that their homosexuality is rooted in an adult female forcing them into an unnatural and confusing situation, are cheating their true nature, or their true self.

A woman, who becomes a lesbian because she was primordially or continuously stimulated by a woman as a child, has reacted psychologically and physiologically to an unnatural occurrence. Those conflicting and confusing feelings need to be addressed at a deeper level. If a woman merely aligns herself with what her body responds to, then she will always be negatively affected; because the person knows the truth within themselves.

Furthermore, in cases of mother/daughter incest, the child frequently retains a deep need for a real mother, as well as shame and guilt. The victim of mother/daughter incest can find great difficulty individuating from the offending mother, and thus, might find it very hard to be independent or to feel whole. The cruel, negative role model given to the child by the offending woman, is a distorted representation of what a woman and mother is. One day, the adult survivor might feel deep confusion, rejection, and even shame concerning her own sexual development as a woman. The survivor might not even be able to look at her own breasts, much less the breasts of another woman.

The stigma, the lack of information about female to female child sexual abuse, and the extreme and oppressive lack of validation about female sexual abusers can result in a woman being uncertain about even becoming a mother, and how to appropriately rear and respond to a female child; if she has one.

Women Who Sexually Abuse Children Are Often More Degenerate Than Men

When a man sexually abuses a child, it is more often about sex, but when a woman sexually abuses a child, it is often about punishment, a warped idea of the mother/daughter relationship, because of an emotional need, or her acting out her own experience with having been sexually abused. In many ways, it is more abnormal when a woman sexually abuses a child. I am referring to the deviancy in the mind of the woman —her twisted reasons for the abuse.

Unlike men, women who sexually violate children, often do it without having been sexually aroused, and some female perpetrators might be abusing the child as a response to a hatred of their own body or their own femininity. In the recent case of the women who abused their children after online contact with a pedophile, some of the women molested their children because they wanted a man in their life, a date, or approval from a man. Most men, who sexually abuse children, do not abuse the child to get a woman, to get a date, or to seek approval. But please do not write me and tell me that I am supporting men who sexually abuse children. I am merely stating facts about the deviancy of the mind of women who abuse children.

Some people feel that if a mother sexually abuses her daughter then she must have been “gentle” or subtle about it. However, a four year study on maternal incest revealed that 65 percent of the mothers had been violent with their victims. It has been suggested by those who work with female survivors that female perpetrators are often more brutal and more “creative” in their attacks on children.~ Lisa Lipshires

Karen K., a survivor of mother/daughter incest has received almost 500 letters from women sexually abused by a woman as a child. She says that, “women are more creative and more brutal in their abuse.”

Female children are more often the victims of female sex offenders than male children are. In addition, victims tend to be children known to the offender, and many of the victims are the offender’s own children.

Female violence against children is nothing shocking. The majority of child homicides in the United States are committed by women. Most prison inmates have been abused by men and women, but men who commit domestic violence were more often abused in childhood by a woman than a man.

Repressed Rage and Silence

There are reports of a link between mother/daughter sexual abuse and cancer of the uterus, and or, breast cancer. My belief, and personal experience, is that most illness and disease is caused by repressed emotional pain, resentment, and fear. The breasts and uterus are solely related to being female. The mind has the power to create illness and disease. It is highly probable that some cases of female to female child sexual abuse is the direct cause of breast, cervical, or uterine cancer, as well as other disease and illness.

The issue of not being believed is another powerful part of sexual abuse perpetrated by a woman. When a female child or young teen is sexually abused by an adult woman, you can bet your life they don’t want to admit to it feeling good or having willingly taken part in it to receive affection, pleasure, or some kind of love from the abuser.

The victim needs to understand that the child’s body responding to being touched, orally copulated, penetrated, or kissed is merely a physiological issue. If the perpetrator sexually abuses a child’s body with a pencil, then the adult survivor could become sexually stimulated at the sight or touch of pencils. The body’s response has nothing to do with what the mind of the child truly desires, which is love, protection and human kindness, not sex, and certainly not sex with an adult of the same-sex.

In most cases, the fear that female survivors of female-perpetrated sex abuse have about telling their stories, is connected to admitting to having been with someone of the same-sex, and thus, to profound shame.

It is no different for male survivors of child sexual abuse perpetrated by a man, or teenage boy. Most men, who were sexually abused by a man, will tell you that any deep-seated shame is rooted in the same/sex aspect of the abuse. It is no different for a woman, or teenage girl. Why should it be? It seems as though men are allowed to feel shame, embarrassment, or hatred of how their body responded to being raped by a man, or forced into oral sex with a man, but females who were forced into sex acts with a woman, are sometimes vilified if they dare to point out their rejection of women, feminism, or anger about lesbianism.

Society excuses women right and left for their acts against children. They are socially excused by being called “victims.” They are excused by family members who call them “lonely and vulnerable,” they are often defended by the feminist community, and frequently exonerated in the court system by prosecutors, and by judges.

Not only does a child or adult survivor of sexual abuse by a woman have to fear not being believed, but they bear the burden of shame, and have the incredibly difficult road of trying to find the courage to speak of the abuse without fear of being considered gay when they are heterosexual, and, if they dare to express that fear, they are often labeled as a “homophobe” or “insensitive” to gays.

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This article is based on research and my own personal experience with having been sexually abused by a female family member and how that abuse has affected my entire existence.

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Sources:
Female Sexual Abuse: The Untold Story of Society’s Last Taboo, Report by Charlotte Philby, Saturday, 8 August 2009
Mathews et al., 1989, Faller 1987, Brown et al., 1984).
Wakefield & Underwager, 1991; Knopp & Lackey, 1987; Brown et al., 1984; Elliot, 1993
Lukianowicz, 1972; Faller, 1987; Allen, 1990
Lipshires, Lisa, (1994). “Female perpetration of child sexual abuse: An overview of the problem.” Moving Forward, Vol. 2, No. 6,
Hastings, 2000
Rosencrans, 1997; Fitzroy, 1997
Pearson, 1997
The Last Secret: Daughters Sexually Abused by Mothers, Bobbie Rosencrans M.S.W, The Safer Society Press, page 24, page 132, page 205
Finkelhor and Araji (1986)

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68 Responses to Breaking Social Taboos About Child Sexual Abuse Perpetrated by the Same Sex

  1. ffraid9 says:

    I read this a while ago, and now come back to the article with a fresh understanding (sadly…). Thank you for sharing this. There is certainly NO homophobia here whatsoever, whatever anyone else might say. This is a difficult subject, and one I will be broaching myself in due course.

  2. Ignorance... says:

    By reading this “article” and based on some of your replies in the comment section, it’s clear that you are homophobic. I really hope you get help with your sadistic view point on lesbians. Your mother really taught you well, huh? Just a very nasty person. Get treatment.

    • Alethea says:

      Yes, my mother taught me how sexually confused degenerates can sexually abuse a child, or teenager of the same sex and can create terrible problems in that child, so that when they become an adult, they think they are sexually confused, or for some people -even think they are gay.

  3. grace0808 says:

    Four years ago, this article saved my life. Alethea, I am indebted to you for having the courage to seek healing, and bravely help others along the way, as you climb that mountain of healing. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

  4. JRM says:

    I stumbled upon your blog while researching dissociative amnesia. This article hit home in ways I really wish it wouldn’t. While a majority of my memories are still repressed, I have been having more and more flashbacks over the last few years. My Dr says this will happen more and more frequently the more safe and secure I feel in my own life – seems a little unfair in my opinion. I finally learn to move past my childhood and be happy, and it creeps back in to haunt me. The worst part is not the clear images or memories of what happened, at least I can make sense of those when they appear. It is far worse when I am suddenly overcome with fear – to the point where I think I may pass out – with no clear understanding of why or even what triggered the feeling. I know this is classic PTSD, but labeling it doesn’t really make it any easier to deal with.

    It really is sad that it is not more widely known just how sick and sadistic female abusers can be. This article was 100% accurate that it is usually not due to sexual desire and often doesn’t result in a pleasurable sexual response for the perpetrator. At least not in my experience. From what I have been able to piece together after years and years of therapy, spiritual healing, and soul searching, I have come to realize and accept that it WASN’T my fault, I DIDN’T want/ask for it, and I am NOT guilty, all of which I was told over and over again by my mother. Not only did she use abuse (verbal, sexual, physical, and neglect) as a means to control and punish me, she also used me to attain personal gratification from men – by offering me up to them (and/or joining in) – to get what she wanted. What she wanted was typically to be “taken care of”, so obviously she had her own issues. I think her longest relationship was less than 2 years, but more often than not, it was several different men at the same time (both physically and relationally).

    I cannot recall her ever working, or having a long-term relationship with someone supporting her/us, yet we always had a nice house, material items, and never had to worry about money. She cut all ties with her family (she kept me very isolated), so we didn’t “come from money”, We were not wealthy by any means, but I would describe our lifestyle as comfortably “middle-class”. Though we moved around A LOT, we always lived in a nice, clean suburban neighborhood, our home was always immaculately clean (just call me “Cinderella”), and nothing about how we lived would have suggested to others the truth about the evils actually happening behind closed doors. I was taught that there was nothing wrong with anything I endured, but that it was private family business, not something that we talk about with others.

    I was taught that sometimes things would happen because I was being bad and it was her job to punish me. My earliest memory of being told it was my fault was from when I was 3. She would make me feel guilty for “making” her “punish” me, so not only did I never tell anyone, but I tried so hard all the time to be good. I did anything I could to make her happy because I so desperately craved those few precious moments where she actually seemed as though she loved me. It didn’t matter though, there was always some reason or another justifying why I needed to be punished.

    It wasn’t until I was 11-12 that I realized my “punishments” were not normal, and by then I simply felt trapped and helpless to stop it. I think she began to realize that I had finally just given up, because it was around then that the “pity gifts” started. I doubt it was out of concern for my well-being, or from feeling any sort of remorse. Rather I think she was afraid I might do something drastic, or try to fight back, or in a weak moment, actually tell someone. So afterwards in addition to reaffirming that whatever happened was my fault, she would then ask if there was anything I wanted, because now that I had accepted my “punishment”, I deserved a “reward”. True to her word, whatever I wanted, I was given that same day.

    For whatever reason, I never asked for anything truly extravagant, I often wonder how far I could have pushed it. Though it was unspoken, I somehow knew I wasn’t allowed to ask for anything sentimental, or something that involved going somewhere. I instinctively knew (or have forgotten being told) that my “rewards” were only going to be material items. One time I just asked for cash, but that was quickly denied, saying I have proven I cannot be trusted to do the right thing if given cash. I would ask for typical age-appropriate stuff (boombox/cd walkman, cds, new clothes, pager/cell phone, rollerskates, etc). I loved sharing whatever I got with friends, not as a means to “buy” their friendship, but rather because I simply didn’t really want my “pity gifts” because I couldn’t enjoy them without thinking about the punishment I had endured to get them. So I started asking for things that I knew my friends wanted, just so I could give them away. My mother didn’t seem to care one way or the other what I did with them, and was perhaps just getting something I wanted assuaged any momentary guilt she may have had. My friends all just thought I had a “really cool mom”, and of course I never told any of them otherwise.

    My mother was a master manipulator, and allowed me with just enough freedom for involvement in fun activities, to maintain control and keep me from rebelling. I loved rollerskating, so she would allow me to go to the rink alone with friends 4-5 times a week, bought me the latest and greatest skates, and never (as far as I know) checked up on me, so that I would be content with the fact that I was never allowed to have or go to sleepovers, or even have friends over/go to friends houses during the day. Any freedom I was allowed was always at a specific event, in a public place. Maybe if I had been allowed to have regular alone time with others, I would have been more likely to tell someone what was happening.

    It is so easy for someone who has never experienced abuse, to sit in judgement and ask why the victim never told anyone. What they fail to realize is that many victims actually believe they are to blame for what is happening to them, so they would never voluntarily admit how “horrible they are” to someone else. For others, it is more out of shame or the fear that others will think less of them if they knew the truth. For others still, they are too afraid to tell someone else and “know” that despite any promises from others that they will be kept safe if they just tell someone, the victim knows that someway, somehow, they will be found and punished, and this time the punishment will be far worse than anything they have experienced before. I have felt all of those at one time or another.

    When I was 15 I started to stand up for myself and not go along with my “punishments”, despite my “pity gifts”, and only had to suffer through 3-4 the entire year. The final straw came a month before I turned 16. I knew that I had to get out. I considered attempting suicide again (2 failed attempts prior that my mother was able to cover up and for which I was severely punished), but then decided that if I did, then she would win, and I wasn’t going to give her that satisfaction. I was finally able to escape my nightmare for good when I managed to get a part time assistant management position for a small apartment complex. It came with a small salary and a free apartment, just enough to survive, and I was able to move out on my own the same week I turned 16…driving my most recent “pity gift” – my own car. I still have no idea why my boss gave a 16 yr old such an “adult” job with no prior work history and limited availability, but I will be forever grateful to him. Sadly, now I cannot even recall his name. At the time all I had to show for myself was a resume that included my nearly straight-A GPA, and various extra-curricular involvements. I didn’t let that stop me though, I walked into the interview full of confidence, and told him I was the best candidate for the job because no one would work as hard to succeed as I would. Perhaps he saw the desperation behind my eyes and took pity on me. I will never know for sure. The day I left my mother told me that she would give me a week before I came crawling back to her, because I would never make it on my own. I never told her that I had a job, and she “graciously” allowed me to take my car, assuming I would be living in it. I am sure she thought I was too spoiled to survive something like that for long.

    For the next two years I was able to not only keep my job, but do well enough to be promoted to “manager” within 6 months. I also continued to go to high school, and graduated with honors. I spent every spare moment involved with friends and other school activities, I never let myself have even a second of downtime to dwell on everything I had suffered through, and once removed from the situation I quickly began blocking out more and more of what happened. I had already blocked MANY specific events that were especially bad, but still remembered enough to know I was in a bad situation while still living at home. Eventually it mostly became a fuzzy memory and while I knew “something” bad happened to make me leave home, I couldn’t really remember what it was exactly. Also much to my surprise, my mother left me alone for whatever reason. I hadn’t seen her since the day I moved out, until she showed up drunk/high and made a huge scene at my high school graduation.

    Despite all my success and the life now ahead of me, my mother managed to hit me where it really hurt. She let my friends get a glimpse of what my home life was really like, something I had worked so hard to keep a secret. It was shortly after that, I attempted suicide for the 3rd and final time. It was a very near thing and I almost didn’t make it. Because my prior 2 attempts were never reported, I didn’t know that if unsuccessful I would be hospitalized against my will. I spent two terrifying weeks in a psych ward before I finally told someone about all I had gone through, not because I wanted help, but because I was desperate to get out of what felt like a cage full of “crazy people”. After that, I was finally able to start facing all that I had been through, or what little of it that I could remember at that point anyway.

    Ironically despite everything I have experienced, overall I am a innately optimistic and caring person, who always tries to see the good in any situation or person. Perhaps that is just a part of my particular defense mechanisms. Given that, I can honestly say that my mother did help me achieve one of the things I am most proud of in my life. I have never experimented with drugs, never had any desire to, and standing up to “peer pressure” was never even remotely difficult for me. If anything I typically ridiculed and thought less of those who tried to get me to join in. Any for this I have my mother to thank, because she was an addict. I have asked myself time and time again if she would have been different if she was sober, and unfortunately I really don’t think so. Perhaps the drugs made it easier to act on her predatory nature by reducing her inhibitions, but anyone who has spent any amount of time with her has commented that there is just something “off” or “creepy” about her, even if she doesn’t do anything in particular to show it.

    For those who have experienced same-sex abuse, there IS hope and a very real possibility at a (mostly) happy life. I know many will say it sounds cheesy or that I “drank the kool-aid”, but honestly after years of therapy and only a minimal amount of progress, the true life-changing moment for me was when I gave my life to God and accepted Christ into my heart. While not completely healed, there was an instantaneous improvement in my qualify of life, that far surpassed any amount of progress I had been able to make up until that point. I honestly believe that faith and therapy go hand-in-hand in these types of situations, because after becoming a believer, I began to continue to progress more quickly with the help of continued therapy.

    Despite the progress, I still have my “demons” to face, many of which where addressed in this article. Despite being happily married to my hubby, I find that I am often confronted with a sexual desire towards women. In my early 20s I even considered that I might be bisexual because despite a very clear desire and preference for guys, I was also often attracted to girls. So, with the help of a guy that I was dating, we found a willing girl to join us. I wanted to explore my feelings in a way that I considered “safe” – having my boyfriend there, and he was more than willing because let’s be honest, that is the ultimate dream for most guys at that age.

    During that experience (several encounters from casually hanging out to full sexual exploration over about a 6-week period) I learned a few things about myself and my attraction to females. Right off the bat, I loved the added attention I got from my boyfriend because he was fully enjoying the experience, so he was obviously fullfilling my need to please by continually encouraging me and at the same time telling me how he liked her, but loved me best, that I was more beautiful, etc. I am not 100% sure how he connected with her, but she was new to both of us, so there wasn’t any jealousy issues on my part. She was extremely pretty and exactly the “type” of girl I am typically attracted to. She was very willing to let me set the pace. All-in-all it was an “ideal” scenario for someone wanting to explore, if there really is such a thing.

    I loved hanging out with her and she quickly became a good friend. During sexual encounters I discovered that despite being fully attracted to her and wanting to before anything actually began, that in the moment it was very difficult for me to actually enjoy it. I enjoyed the fantasy way more than the actual experience. In the moment what I enjoyed the most was when I was giving her pleasure. It was really weird for me because I didn’t actually like the physical side of it (i.e. the taste or the act of doing it), but did enjoy the response she had to something I was doing. It empowered me in a way that nothing else ever has. When it was her turn to reciprocate, I didn’t enjoy it at all and faked climax as soon as I felt I could get away with it to be done with it. The only physical act I enjoyed with her was kissing, and I think that has more to do with her being a good kisser, than her being a girl. TMI WARNING: my favorite encounter with them was kissing her will having sex with him.

    Eventually I knew for certain that I just wasn’t interested in girls in any meaningful way. I did try to have an experience with just her once, it was horribly awkward. So I was pretty convinced that I was firmly heterosexual, yet I was (and still continue to be) attracted to females. It is incredibly frustrating for me, especially after becoming a believer, because now it is not only frustrating, but it feels sinful.

    My hubby knows about my attraction to females, as well as my prior experimentation. He is one of the few guys who would NOT jump on the chance to have a 3-some, which I believe is why God put him in my life. I have even jokingly (and not so jokingly) suggested we try it sometime. He isn’t interested, but is good-natured enough to not ever make me feel uncomfortable about my attraction to females. We will sometimes joke after seeing a pretty girl about “who saw her first”, but I know that it would never progress beyond that, so I think in some ways it enables me to accept that part of me in the only way I can at this point.

    So for those who know for sure they are heterosexual, but still struggle with same-sex attraction, you are definitely not alone, nor is there anything “wrong” with you. I would 100% agree with the author that more often than not, same-sex attraction goes back to some traumatic childhood experience, abuse doesn’t have to be sexual, it can be verbal, physical, and neglectful, and how we bond with our family as a child has a HUGE impact on how we relate to others as an adult.

    Same-sex attraction aside, I also continue to struggle with trusting my hubby. Despite the fact that he has NEVER given me any reason to whatsoever, I still have this intense fear and paranoia that he will cheat on me. The funny thing is, when I honestly evaluate my feelings in the moment, it is never that I think he would initiate something like that. Rather (and I have told him this), I am afraid that some other female is going to seduce him and that knowing how easy it is for me to seduce him into doing something I want (YES I am aware that this is a problem and not healthy, so is he, and we are working through it together), so I am constantly afraid that another female will be able to do the same. When thinking about it, I know that if it ever did happen (assuming he wasn’t able to resist – despite knowing he probably would in reality…insecurity at its finest!), that I know he would feel horrible about it after, that it wouldn’t mean anything to him, and that it wasn’t something he went looking for. Yet, at the end of the day, it still wouldn’t really matter. Despite my faith, I truly and honestly do not believe I could forgive him, and because my love for him is such a huge part of who I am (perhaps too much), I don’t know that I could survive something like that. So I fight myself about living in fear of something that will probably never happen, simply because if it did happen, I know it would devastate me to my core.

    My hubby is truly an amazing guy, he spends way more time and effort to reassure me as much as possible, and forgives me again and again when I do something stupid out of misplaced jealousy. But there have been a few times when I have pushed too far and he has gotten angry, however the extent of that anger is saying something like “when will you get it through your thick head that I love YOU and only you, and nothing is going to change that!” after which he will walk away to cool off. Given my past, I could easily have ended up with someone awful. Again I give all the credit to God in bringing us together, and if I am being completely honest, sometimes even feel a tiny bit resentful to God at the same time. I sometimes think that my hubby deserves to be with someone as amazing as he is, someone better than me. I worry that I may inadvertently push him into cheating, even if he never would have done so without my relentless jealousy.

    He jokes that he would be bored without me and that I keep life interesting, if not always exciting. Sometimes deep inside though, I think he may be better of with someone else. It is in those moments that I wonder if my constant jealousy is my subconscious way of trying to make that happen. That on some level I want my deepest fear to be realized, for him to cheat on me and “get it over with”. Then he can find someone better, and I will feel justified in knowing I was right to worry all along. Because in some ways that would be so much easier than facing the truth – that I am actually worthy of his complete love and devotion – despite knowing that I am well and truly broken inside.

    We are all a work in progress, even those with the best childhoods and family bonds. Everyone has something that they need to work on. It is only when we can admit to our imperfections, that we can begin to improve upon them.

    For the most part I am pretty private about my past, and I will be the first to admit I typically avoid sites like this (or movies/books with potential abuse scenarios) for fear of triggering another flood of repressed memories/emotions. There was a time when I would get so exasperated with my “swiss-cheese” memory that I would beg and plead with God to restore my memories. I knew on some level that whatever I was forgetting must be bad, but rationalized that nothing could be as bad as not knowing and having these huge gaping voids (in some cases entire YEARS are completely gone). I would chase every potential therapy to restore lost memories, from meditation and hypnosis, to acupuncture and spiritual cleansing ceremonies. Let me be the first to say that I should have left well enough alone. I thought that if I knew what I was blocking then the abstract recurring nightmares I have would stop. They didn’t. Instead they were replaced with extremely vivid recurring nightmares of actual events, rather than some abstract “shadowy monster chasing/hurting me. I would definitely return to the abstract if I could! The old adage “be careful what you wish for” is absolutely true! While I have only recovered a handful of memories that I have retained, they are bad enough.

    There have been two occasions where something triggered a “flood” of memories all at once. Though both times the memories again faded into oblivion again a few hours later, I do remember how hopeless I felt in that moment while the flashbacks were occurring. My poor hubby doesn’t get to forget them and I know whatever I told him and now no longer remember continues to haunt him as well. He has told me that the first time it happened that I woke up screaming, and spent the next 3 hours straight sobbing uncontrollably and he was afraid for my life. He called my Dr for advice and was tempted to take me to the ER. My Dr told him to just let me work through it, unless I showed signs of becoming a danger to myself or others, that I wouldn’t die from crying and would exhaust myself sooner or later. So he sat with me, helpless to do anything more than just be there for me. I have asked what I told him in a few brave moments and he always responds by pulling me to him and holding me tight, and telling me how much he loves me. He has said that if I ever ask and sincerely want to know, that he will tell me, but to remember that he would rather not talk about it – not only for my sake, but also for his – that doing so will hurt us both. And so I let it go, because I remember how I felt in those moments and know it is better for my sanity to move forward rather than continuing to look back. There is a reason my brain decided those events where simply too much for me to handle, and I am slowly learning to trust that it is probably for the best.

    Thank you for your courage to share your experiences and for providing a place for others to do the same. Only a handful of people actually know some details of what happened to me, a handful more know that I experienced “something traumatic”, and only my hubby knows most of it – more than I remember myself in some cases. Yet despite my desire to not talk about it (out of a desire to not keep re-living it, rather than wanting to keep it a secret), there have been a few times throughout the years where – like now – I felt led to share…so I did. I hope you will forgive my extremely looonnngg comment, that went way off my original topic (responding to this particular article’s subject matter). Perhaps something I shared will be helpful or encouraging to someone else. Or at the least, make them feel as though they are not alone. If there were more opportunities like this, and more felt led to take advantage of those opportunities, I truly believe our world would be a better place. We all allow this type of evil to continue, because we choose to allow it to hide in the dark.

    • Alethea says:

      I just wanted you to know that I have received this comment, and can’t respond now, but I will respond in the next two days. I want to give you the time you deserve.

      Treat yourself well.

      ~Alethea

    • Alethea says:

      Dear JRM,

      I can SO relate to the sudden fear with no clear understanding of why or even what triggered the feeling.
      You are correct, knowing it is classic PTSD, doesn’t really make it any easier to deal with, except that, for me, I know I am not crazy, but that I am dealing with something that needs to surface, and it will when you are ready.
      Did you read my article on Sociopathic mothers?

      I was punished by my mother for EVERY crime she committed, and my father committed, and my sister committed against me as a child. Thus, I learned to punish myself as an adult –for everything. The punishment issue is very serious. Maybe more serious than anyone digs into in therapy.

      I too desperately craved those few precious moments where my mother actually seemed as though she “loved me” that was when she was sexually abusing me.

      I received“pity gifts” too! But I think they were also “keep quiet” gifts.

      My mother was also a master manipulator, and put a façade’ on in public.

      I too loved rollerskating, and was at the rink 4-5 times a week!

      I hope you understand that your ‘attraction’ to women, is not who you truly are. The sexual abuse by your mother is what has created those feelings. It is NOT a part of you, and very easily curable with the kind of therapy I do. You really should consider having therapy with my therapist –for your marriage, and for your sexual confusion with women.

      My relentless jealousy was healed with my therapy.

      ~Alethea. Click below to link to my therapist.

      https://ordinaryevil.wordpress.com/how-to-liberate-yourself-from-pain-emotional-suffering-and-disease/change-your-life-with-award-winning-hypno-analyst-lecturer-and-dame-of-honor/

  5. are says:

    there are cases where a woman embarrassing a girl by asking her naked in front of other women. or just wearing school uniform (do not wear underwear,bra) … or she ask her to be naked around the house 24 hours.. but she never touched her.. do you think she is lesbian or what?

    • are says:

      the girl live with her in the house, and she did it oftenly.. she is married and have kid

    • Alethea says:

      Sexually degenerate yes. A lesbian? Maybe, maybe not. She could be very sexually confused and doesn’t know what she identifies with. Women are often more insidious, more into making their victims suffer and be humiliated –often out of jealousy, and or, resentment for the child or teenager.

      • are says:

        do you think she is mentally ill? or she will be satisfied by doing that? or do you have some opinion why she’s doing like that? she also humiliated the girl in front of his daughter

        • are says:

          *her daughter

        • Alethea says:

          There is no way of getting inside another person’s mind. Only the mother can say why, but even she might not fully know, or understand why she does it. This is not being “mentally ill.” Many people have serious psycho-dynamics that are hurtful, abusive, or selfish. It does not mean they need a clinical diagnosis of “mentally ill,” which could be used as an excuse to harm another person, or a child, or that can be used as a crutch. Or to be excused of a crime.

          If it is you that this is being done to….don’t react to her, but act with intelligence….tell someone you trust who can help the both of you to get counseling/therapy. If you are old enough, talk to her about it. Sit down with her and tell her how it feels to have this done to you, and ask her “would you like this to be done to you by your mother?” She would probably say, “no”. Then you can say, “then why do you do it to me?”

          It is a form of sexual abuse, so please ask someone to help you. But I must stress, take loving, non-violent action. Do not react with any kind of violence, if you do, then you become a part of the moral crime of harming another person.

  6. Daphne says:

    Brave Alethea, you have already answered a question i posted about your opinion concerning homosexuality. At that time I wasn’t familiar with you article above. I read it, and all the comments today. I was happy to learn about the effects of this kind of abuse. And at the start of your article you do say a lot worth thinking about. But then at some point the article is mostly about sexual confusion (to put it generally).

    Also most of the comments are about people agreeing or disagreeing with you. Why is it so important? Apart from the acknowlegdment that it is okay to admit you were confused about your sexuality because of the abuse that happened to you. That IS important, that I do understand!

    Maybe I am not picking up on the importance of this because I was never confused about being straight. Probably what also influences this is that I have no intention of ‘saving’ anybody. Whether someone experiences sexuality in an (as you put it Alethea) ‘natural’ way or not really doesn’t matter to me. (goes without saying that I am not talking about abusing children here)

    I am so eager to read how you dealt/are dealing with all the other effects. Like feeling completely worthless, suicidal and angry (all familiar to me) and how to recognize my own subcontious destructive thoughts. After reading some of your articles I did try and find a suitable therapist. Regretfully in my part of the world there is none. And I am very hesitant in trying out a therapist who has no experience on this topic. Would that be something I should do?

    • Alethea says:

      Daphne, I just want you to know, I have gotten all your recent comments, but I am snowed under with Christmas activities right now. I FULLY intend on answering you with the time you deserve…..later on this week. Maybe tomorrow if things calm down.

      But know that you are heard, and I will answer.

      ~All my best,
      Alethea

      • Daphne says:

        Thank you so much for this, I did sleep horribly last night because of the thought that maybe I had bombarded you with my posts. It’s like a erruption of a vulcano. I have never written or expressed myself so much and in doing so totally forgot it’s Christmas time!!

        I hope you and your loved ones have a beautiful Christmas.

        Merry Christmas everybody

    • Alethea says:

      Daphne, my comments are not “about people agreeing or disagreeing with me, they are made for very specific reasons, to counter untruths –to not be silent about false statements. Silence is complicity. The comment section on my Blog is not for people to just use free expression and then have me be silent.

      I was never confused about being straight either. I have always known I am heterosexual. By being “confused” with regards to me, I mean, my body used to respond to images of women, or the female form, on TV or in films, and I did not like it, or understand it. Then I began to remember what my mother and my sister did to me, and I began to heal all of that, and then, my body no longer reacted to the images of women.

      My speaking the truth on my Blog does not have anything to do with “trying to save someone.” It is about trying to HELP another person, or a child.

      I am going to be going back to writing my book, so I will be posting less here now, and commenting less often.

      I hope you find the answer to how I dealt with all the other effects, like feeling completely worthless, suicidal and angry etc.on my Blog. Over the years, I have written numerous articles about that here, on my Blog. My book might get into how to recognize subconscious destructive thoughts, and how to deal with them, but I am not sure right now which direction I am headed with my book.

      Although, I may even just go back to school and become an attorney, or a psycho-therapist one day. I don’t know right now.

      But no, if I were you, I would not use a therapist who has no experience in what you have felt, been through, and experienced with your mother.

      My therapist does the therapy via telephone, and has clients around the world. If you ever want her number, let me know… sanjuanangel7@yahoo.com

      • Daphne says:

        I was just suprised that so many comments that people write are about agreeing of disagreeing with this one part of what your blog is about. You write about so many other inspiring and helpfull things. Things that I would like to read about much more.

        Reading my comment back I think I might have come across as accusitory that was not my intention at all. I was only trying to pick your brain about why someone like me does not get why sexuality and whether it is natural or not is so important to so many people.

        I am happy to hear that you are going to write a book. And a little sorry to hear that it leaves less time for this blog. I will continue to read your articles and follow your blog but will stop commenting as clearly I am not able to communicate very well.

        All the best wishes and may your stay in this material world be a good one.

        • Alethea says:

          Daphne, don’t be so critical of yourself. You communicate just fine. Maybe *I* misunderstood you….Maybe it is just that electronic communication is tedious, and difficult sometimes to get our point across to one another.

          Do not worry. All is well.

          Please feel free to comment at any time.

          Have a beautiful day…
          Alethea

  7. CJ says:

    I was so excited to come across your blog and read some of the articles! The butterfly quote at the top is inspiring. Thank you so much for what you are doing. However, I do take issue with some of the assumptions about human sexuality I have read on here. I hope you are open to hearing my perspective.

    I am a gay woman. The psychiatric community long ago removed homosexuality from the DSM. Millions of people around the world are gay with no history of sexual abuse, it is genetic and hormonal, nature not nurture, although nurture can have a lot to do with avoidance/aversion to experiencing their true sexuality for those who are innately gay as they hide that part of themselves due to shame and huge familial and societal pressure (this happened to me). I have had several partners who are gay and well adjusted and happy with no sexual abuse history at all. I was abused by a man and his son (most likely he was abusing his son to have sexualized him at such a young age into something so twisted from age 8 onwards). I was forced to view/act out horrific pornography. This happened to me repeatedly for 8 years. I was sadly addicted to abusive sexual scenarios with men for years, even though attracted to and involved with women as loving partners at the same time. I was never abused by a woman.

    My true, God-given sexuality is innate and exists separate from any trauma that happened. My current partner is a woman who was abused by both a man and a woman as a child at different times of her childhood. After much therapy to deal with the abuse (therapy with a heterosexual man who is world renowned expert on EMDR and trauma bonding and attachment disorders), she came out as gay and is happy and comfortable with her sexuality and deeply in love. The abuse does not CREATE your sexuality. It stunts it and morphs it and twists it, until you deal with the trauma at all levels of your being, psychological, emotional, physical, spiritual, and clear out all the debris to find the jewel of your Self. Everyone is different. In some survivors, it may create aversion to a particular gender and drive a person AWAY from sexual experience with that gender, until it is cleared, or it may create unnatural addictive arousal and attraction TO the gender that stimulated sexual response as a child (this happened to me with men, although I am gay, and it sounds like that happened to Grace, whose story I read on your site – blessings to her for her courageous journey). Both of those are hijackings of the child’s natural sexuality, which is only determinable by the individual through therapy with a neutral therapist who is not trying to steer the client into or away from any particular expression of sexuality, and accessing their true inner selves.

    I have done over 20 years of therapy, including intensive traditional psychotherapy, both individual and group, at renowned trauma centers, also hypnosis, EFT, EMDR and many other mind-body modalities, have used flower essences and herbs and a holistic diet to clear my body and enhance my mind body connection, as well as yoga, meditation, etc and have cleared the residue of the dark years of terror. And I am a happy well adjusted lesbian, as is my partner.

    The other thing both of us had to overcome was the indoctrination of conservative Christian religious upbringings (both coming from devout families, mine Catholic, hers evangelical) that told us that being gay was evil or wrong. Each person is entitled to their faith and beliefs, but the fact is that human sexuality is incredibly complex and as Kinsey proved, exists on a continuum. it seems that there are many with an agenda who want to “explain” being gay as something pathological, when it is a beautiful expression in some human beings of a natural God-created orientation, like mine.

    I feel compassion for those whose natural sexuality was hijacked by same-sex abuse because mine was hijacked by opposite sex abuse. But I do take issue with comparisons that same sex abuse is worse in its psychological effects. We all suffer the same effects of trauma, breach of trust, attachment confusions, etc. The effects are well known but all individualized in their expression for each person, based on the specifics of the type of abuse, number of years it happened, messaging, family dynamics, existence of support systems or not, etc etc. Anyone can come up with anecdotes, personal experience and articles to support a particular viewpoint. My experience does not fit the assumptions stated on this site, for example, nor does my partner’s. The fact is that among the billions of unique individuals on this planet, millions and millions of them are gay, and they are not that way BECAUSE they were wounded or damaged.

    Thank you for having the courage to put this blog out there, I still find many useful things on here, in spite of disagreeing with the assumptions about homosexuality. Blessings to you, and to all who suffer and find a way through it, and a way to bring light to the world from their healing! We all just want to love and be loved in a healthy way that expresses our true natures, I support everyone’s journey of self discovery and emergence into the butterfly of themselves.

    Thanks for listening.
    CJ

    • Alethea says:

      CJ,

      Your first sentence, “I am a gay woman” shows that this is something you identify with, but you are not a “gay woman.”

      You don’t even know WHO you truly are. You identify with being gay for whatever reason, but you are a being of light and matter that is trying to find its way back to its Divine Source.

      “I have had several partners who are gay and well adjusted and happy with no sexual abuse history at all.”

      This statement itself is probably very incorrect. I would say you are lying to yourself, and if those gay people you spoke of say they are “well-adjusted and happy,” they are lying to themselves. It’s like Chaz Bono saying she is well-adjusted and happy. NO WAY. Take one look at her photos and you know she is a tortured soul.

      Most gay people struggle within themselves and their soul knows something is off. Whether or not they would be honest about that is another story.

      “I was abused by a man and his son.”

      Many lesbians have been honest enough with me to say that men having sexually abused them caused them to gravitate to women. It’s not just same-sex sexual abuse that can cause a person to believe they are gay.

      “My true, God-given sexuality is innate and exists separate from any trauma that happened.”

      You do not know that for certain unless you penetrate your subconscious mind in deep hypno-analysis therapy, and allow your soul (psyche) to get in touch with what makes your mind think you are sexually attracted and emotionally attracted to women.

      “My current partner is a woman who was abused by both a man and a woman as a child at different times of her childhood. After much therapy to deal with the abuse (therapy with a heterosexual man who is world renowned expert on EMDR and trauma bonding and attachment disorders), she came out as gay…”

      I’m sorry, but this sounds truly strange and scary to me. I would run from that therapist.

      Sexual abuse can and DOES CREATE a false idea that someone is gay.

      Yes, you are correct, it may create aversion to a particular gender and drive a person away from sexual experiences with that gender, until it is cleared, or it may create unnatural addictive arousal and attraction to the gender that stimulated sexual responses as a child.

      But gay and lesbianism can also be created by other external influences than child sexual abuse. This too, can only be known through penetrating the subconscious mind in deep therapy with someone who knows what the hell they are doing.

      Being gay was neither “evil,” nor “right, or “wrong” but it is unnatural.

      Yes, each person is entitled to their faith and beliefs, but their soul will never be in true peace unless they penetrate it in depth.

      We DO NOT “all suffer the same effects of trauma, breach of trust, attachment confusions, etc.”

      Everyone experiences sexual abuse very differently, even if they are sexually abused by the same person in the same way. Everyone suffers differently and some much more than others, but same-sex abuse has the potential to do much worse damage to the child/adult.

      As I said, being gay or lesbian is not always because a person was wounded or damaged by sexual abuse. But it is usually because some external life experience has caused their subconscious mind to be off, thus, confusing the conscious mind.

      “ We all just want to love and be loved in a healthy way that expresses our true natures,..”

      You do not speak for me here. I only care about my soul’s destination, my relationship with God, and altruism. I do not care about being “loved” by other humans, and especially not with their human-limited-emotional love. I care only about REAL LOVE –God’s love.

      “ I support everyone’s journey of self discovery and emergence into the butterfly of themselves.”

      A caterpillar can never become a butterfly if it does not have the correct biological formula to do so.

      I wish you only good things.

      ~Alethea

    • Megan says:

      Very well written CJ.
      I also feel that Alethea leans her comments toward heterosexuality as being the only ‘natural’ way. Your comment that suggests ‘abuse does not create your sexuality’ is poignant. I also feel that Alethea directs her statements toward the notion that homosexuality is something that a person has ‘created’ within themselves, in a subconscious way (“Sexual abuse can and DOES CREATE a false idea that someone is gay.”) This is a very bold statement coming from her .. and her reply back on your comment continues to suggest that she feels that homosexuality is not natural .. nor never can be. (“Being gay was neither “evil,” nor “right, or “wrong” but it is unnatural.”)

      CJ: I am glad that you took the time to respond as thoughtfully as you did about your own experiences … and giving a solid rebuttal to Alethea’s opinions. We are all entitled to our opinions, but sometimes being neutral is a much more productive way of expression … especially if someone is in a teacher role … as Alethea clearly has become by the number of hits on her blog (even though i am sure that is not her intention).

      Alethea: to your implicit opinion to CJ’s post … “Most gay people struggle within themselves and their soul knows something is off. Whether or not they would be honest about that is another story.” That is .. once again .. very bold for you to say. Making such an absolute statement about others’ experiences and perceptions, thoughts and feelings is something that perhaps you should re-think. From your reply below: { CJ states: “I have had several partners who are gay and well adjusted and happy with no sexual abuse history at all.” And then you state “This statement itself is probably very incorrect. I would say you are lying to yourself, and if those gay people you spoke of say they are “well-adjusted and happy,” they are lying to themselves.”‘}.

      Alethea … your blog is powerful. It is unusual .. and it gives others a place to express themselves in a private, yet public way. Most importantly, it lets others share their stories and be heard in a safe place, without prejudice or judgement or bias. You are helping many people here. And you are a teacher here, whether you want to be or not. In that role, being gender-neutral toward others’ expressions of love for same sex should not be something that comes across as judgmental or unnatural, as was your reply to CJ below.

      To both of you: You are both very brave and thank you for sharing your experiences with all of us. Hugs xo

      • Alethea says:

        Dear Megan,

        I welcome you to my Blog, and I am happy to have you commenting.

        However, I have earned my knowledge on this matter. Child sexual abuse, and other types of child abuse can indeed create an unnatural desire for the opposite sex, sexual identity confusion, homosexuality, bi-sexuality, and gender identity confusion.

        Child abuse and child sexual abuse is not the cause of all of the above, but in many cases, if the person penetrated their subconscious mind and worked to find the original source of their feelings, they would discover that outward experiences or relationships caused their problem.

        Sometimes people are born with hormonal imbalances, but people need to know that hormones and chemicals in our mind and body can be altered by abuse and other external influences. This is documented through scientific research.

        These days, there is also a huge movement of indoctrination and normalization of homosexuality in schools and colleges –by people with an agenda to corrupt the minds of children.

        My statements may be “bold” but they are the truth. The truth is often not very subtle or comfortable for people to hear. When I say homosexuality is unnatural, I mean it in the sense that two females and two males CANNOT create life.

        I said, >>Most gay people struggle within themselves and their soul knows something is off. Whether or not they would be honest about that is another story.>>

        Megan says:“That is .. once again .. very bold for you to say.”

        Thank you.

        “Making such an absolute statement about others’ experiences and perceptions, thoughts and feelings is something that perhaps you should re-think.”

        Now you are being a hypocrite Megan. You are asking me to “re-think” what I KNOW to be true, yet you won’t consider that maybe it is YOU who needs to learn to re-think.

        Thank you for your compliments about my Blog.

        ~Alethea

        • Megan says:

          Ironically, I just read Grace’s story right before reading your comment.
          The subject is complex. It has many aspects … and no one way is right. People are diverse, with many different experiences (cultural, religious, family, academics) making up who they are … in part. These are subjective of course, but still, they make up a big part of who we are. And, they all play a factor on how we look at the world around us. No, i will not rethink what i said … and i am not saying that to be defensive. Let’s just agree to disagree … and respect one another’s opinions as being different. I have great respect for You .. what you are doing .. what you have done .. and what you continue to do. But I also speak as a trained teacher and know that the world is diverse. People are diverse. Experience is diverse. And the human mind is diverse in how we perceive what is happening around us. In that, we have to accept diversity as being part of the human experience. And abuse is not necessarily the only cause of ‘unnatural’ sexual diversity, as you call it. Is it really so wrong for people to honestly enjoy same sex intimacy?? I think not. It doesn’t mean they have subconscious issues not yet worked out. It doesn’t mean they are unnatural. Can we just .. for a moment .. put gender aside and be honest enough with ourselves to dignify the experience of loving someone for who they truly are .. no matter what gender a person is?? Gender expectations are man-made. Setting all of that aside, people should embrace loving someone for who their spirit is, not whom their gender says they are.

          • Alethea says:

            Megan,
            I always find it interesting how people respond after reading Grace’s story. They always have some kind of ‘people-pleasing explanation.’

            Yes, the subject is complex, too much to include in a Blog about child sexual abuse and memory.

            Different experiences (cultural, religious, family, academics) affect our subconscious mind, and who we THINK we are, but they do not create who we truly are.

            I will not acquiesce to “agree to disagree” as it would mean being a lie to myself by pretending this is a matter of opinion, and not truth.

            I don’t respect anything except TRUTH. You have a RIGHT to your opinion, and I respect your RIGHT as a human being to hold an opinion, but I cannot, and won’t, respect that opinion if it is based in concepts and ignorance (which means being unaware or uninformed).

            The human brain operates like a computer, and is “diverse” in how we perceive what is happening around us –and TO us- but it does operate in the same way for each person –like a computer, but the Subconscious Mind is the soul.
            Diversity is fine, but the SC Mind is the soul, and affects our daily lives in nearly every way.The SC Mind drives our lives, and makes our choices for us.

            Same sex intimacy is not “wrong” in and of itself, but the way in which the person came to try it, be involved with it….IDENTIFY with it is what is wrong –if that identification came from child sexual abuse, or social pressure, or parental dysfunction, or by some other abnormal problem.

            Loving someone for “who they truly are?” If they are indentifying with being homosexual, or have sexual or gender confusion, or are bi-sexual based upon wrong information getting into their SC Mind, then that is NOT who they truly are, and their soul knows it.

            We aren’t discussing “loving others” but love speaks the truth to the SOUL of other people, not to their personality. We humans are not our “personality.”

            ~Alethea

            • Alethea says:

              While going through my old files, I “coincidentally” just found some notes from The handbook of Brief Psychotherapy by Hypno-analysis, by John A. Scott:

              Regarding unconscious forces: The ultimate origin of the psychopathology is to find the unconscious reasons –the underlying unconscious cause of one’s physical/emotional/psychological or abnormal drives/problems/feelings.

              and from Dr. Gary Schwartz Ph.D., Professor of Psychology, Medicine, Neurology, Psychiatry, and Surgery at the University of Arizona: Dr. Schwartz, and other neuro and quantum scientists find that the brain is merely the receiver of consciousness, not consciousness itself.

            • Megan says:

              Alethea ..

              Ahhhh … I was really glad to read this statement from you!! : “Same sex intimacy is not “wrong” in and of itself, but the way in which the person came to try it, be involved with it….IDENTIFY with it is what is wrong –if that identification came from child sexual abuse, or social pressure, or parental dysfunction, or by some other abnormal problem.”

              Very happy that you explained it like that … because before you did … i was of the impression that you believed it unnatural to be in love with someone of the same sex. Sometimes your boldness can be interpreted as ‘gay-bashing’, which was what i was trying to defend. This was where my disagreement came with you. I see now that i was wrong about how i interpreted some of the comments you have made to others on your blog.

              For myself, i admit that i was not a victim of abuse (other than verbal and some extreme physical punishments). Which is why i never knew that mother / daughter sexual abuse even existed … until very recently when it was indirectly revealed to me. As such, i read some of your articles and found the testimonies of your readers to be most helpful. I am on your site to learn more about this topic from others who share the same experience as my friend. I want to understand her unusual behaviours. Like everyone else’s story, she trusts no one, including me. And as well, she has done negative transference unto me for no real apparent reason. So at this time, i am being pushed away once again … which is unfortunate because she is a dear family friend and we all miss her very much.

              • Alethea says:

                Megan, I am not out to please you, or displease you. In addition, if your interpretation of my articles and comments was “gay-bashing” then that is YOUR vision of things, your personal interpretation and it is an erroneous one.

                “I see now that i was wrong about how i interpreted some of the comments you have made to others on your blog.”

                Good.

                What you describe as “negative transference onto you for no real apparent reason” may or may not be true. Maybe she is unfairly making transference, but maybe there is something you are not seeing in yourself that could be off in you towards her. Have you outright asked her the exact problem she has with you? Because sometimes people are passive-aggressive and don’t even know it. Sometimes, people cross boundaries and don’t realize it.

                if you are a lesbian, then you ought to have great regard for her being sexually abused by her mother, and great sensitivity to her…without an ounce of taking anything personally because you don’t know what lesbianism can do to a woman who has been sexually abused by their mother, or sister –do to them psychologically to just even be in the same room as a lesbian. It can cause great distress for your friend. That’s not your fault, or hers, it JUST IS. But if you are not a lesbian, and your friend is reacting to you for through no fault of your own, then you will just have to honor her, and hope she can heal herself.

  8. michelle says:

    I cried reading this. I recently have delt with the memory of being sexually abused by a female cousin (and a malr cousin) and how that guilt, anger and shame has been built up in me. You described to a T the “mess” and “noise” in my head I have carried my entire life but could never verbalize because of fear and i didnt have the exact intellectual capacity to explain it. Ive known in my heart I was straight but I could not for the life of understand why I had feelings of being gay, hating women and hating homosexuality even when I had friends that were! I never hated them but I hated the lifestyle and what it represented to me. I have always consciously accepted being molested by my male cousin because somehow in society that was at least “natural” and “normal.” I completely suppressed and forgot about the female on female abuse until recently and the shame I felt for that was damn near suicidal. I’m not actually suicidal but that is the only level of word I can think verbally expresses the feeling I had. I have hated myself for the feelings of being gay because I KNEW in my heart I wasn’t but I didn’t know why my relationship with men and women were so dysfunctional. And can’t thank you enough for being brave enough to right this because I searched for articles on the topic and NONE are as deeply honest and open about the truth. They are also damn near non existent! Thank you for allowing me to know I’m not crazy and my feelings are valid. And I also entirely related to your mentioning any critique of lesbianism possibly being attributed to sexual molestation because I have ALWAYS identified with that. I have also always noted that it is socially NOT acceptableto make such a statement becausewe must all be for aaccepting all gays and lesbians. In no way am I for hating people but to not allow that discourse effectively silences people who DO FEEL THAT WAY AND HAVE THAT STORY TO TELL. It silenced me for 28 years. So I truly want to thank you from the bottom of my heart because I will continue to reference this article as I continue my healing journey. THANK YOU!

    • Alethea says:

      “I cried reading this.”

      Michelle, I nearly cried reading your comment, which came at the exact right moment in time for me.

      The fact that you took the time to write me, and to express gratitude is immense to me. The fact that you expressed yourself openly, and with such deep honesty, is immeasurable to me.

      Not only are you NOT crazy, and your feelings valid, but they are normal feelings and you are certainly a lot better off than the people who are under the false idea they are gay or lesbian, when they are not truly. They can lie to the world –their friends, neighbors, parents, co-workers etc, but they cannot lie to themselves. The soul knows the truth.

      “I have also always noted that it is socially NOT acceptable to make such a statement because we must all be for accepting all gays and lesbians. In no way am I for hating people but to not allow that discourse effectively silences people who DO FEEL THAT WAY AND HAVE THAT STORY TO TELL. It silenced me for 28 years.”

      I am not into being socially acceptable, or to cater to human dysfunction and confusion, and it is always so hypocritical when gays and lesbians are allowed to say and do whatever they feel, but if someone like me has something contrary to say, I am told to keep quiet.

      Have you read Grace’s story? https://ordinaryevil.wordpress.com/the-story-of-grace-one-womans-inner-journey-from-sexual-confusion-towards-liberation/

      I wish you all the best,
      ~Alethea

      • Michelle says:

        I just finished reading Grace’s story and the parallels of sexual abuse and seeing my father emotionally abuse my mother growing up is uncanny. I am truly not alone! (sadly) But maybe a month after I posted my response to this article I finally made the huge step of starting my healing journey through therapy. I, like Grace, was extremely depressed and I still am. But I KNOW it will not last forever and that I HAVE BEEN SURVIVING, so why stop now?!?!?! Thanks again and I will definitely be reading more from this site!

        • Alethea says:

          Thank you Michelle for taking the time to comment. It makes my day -and I am sure Grace’s too- to know that she, and my Blog, helped someone.

  9. Anne Rogers says:

    So does that mean if I were assaulted by a black man it would be acceptable for me to be a racist?

    • Alethea says:

      It would be normal and totally understandable for a person who was sexually assaulted by a black man to have negative feelings or reactions to black men. The human brain is like a biological computer.

      It would NOT be okay for the victim to assault, or not help a black man, which would be racism.

      It is NOT racist to talk about, or experience negative reactions towards homosexuals. Homosexuals often feel negative towards heterosexuals. That is also not racist.

      Being racist would be to not help someone or to assault them just because of their sexual choices, or color of their skin.

      You are trying to place labels on a very serious and important situation. Incorrect labels at that!

  10. susa says:

    Thank you for stating what so many fear to speak of.

  11. Hallie says:

    Thanks for this article. #1 and #2 below are two facts that I am so glad to learn. It has been said that information precedes change. Thanks for all this information.

    1. While some people still continue to try and normalize homosexuality, this study demonstrates that being sexually molested as a child by an adult of the same-sex, can create sexual confusion, causing a person to think they are homosexual when they are intrinsically heterosexual.

    2. If a child’s first experience with sex, is abuse by an adult or teenager of the same-sex, and especially if the child experienced any kind of pleasurable sexual response (or if her abuser had a sexual response), the child can later develop feelings of sexual arousal by a person of the same-sex. She then might become a lesbian when she mistakenly assumes she must be homosexual.

  12. Hallie says:

    I have also suffered from being confused about my sexuality. I have always pushed men away, and for a long time believed I was gay. I was even in a long-term relationship with a woman.

    =Wow. It just clicked for me that my brother in law suffers with sexual orientation difficulties. He was sexually assaulted by a neighborhood boy as a child and as an adult he believes he is gay. He is 50 and has had relationships with men and he has never married. I feel so stunned as I now understand that he just needed to address the confusion at the inner level, inside himself, at the level in which he was affected. I have a friend whose spouse asserts that he is homosexual due to being sexually assaulted in college, while drunk, by a male. He has not understood his confusion either. This is so sad to see people suffering due to lack of knowledge! Thanks for this blog! It gives tremendous hope and truth that dispels lies>

    • Alethea says:

      Thank you Hallie. I am so grateful that some of my article has helped you, and that it may help someone who is struggling inside with their sexual identity, but who probably push that struggle aside in order to feel “normal,” to survive, to deny, or to push through life until they die.

      There can be a lot of inner turmoil with this issue.

      Thanks for commenting!

      Alethea

  13. srhkhavari says:

    Let me also say much of this I could relate to.

  14. srhkhavari says:

    This is a personal opinion obviously, but I feel like you are infantilizing female sexuality. I don’t think it’s fair to put the power of someone’s sexual orientation in the hands of an abuser. I also think people would view it as ridiculous to say an inherently gay or bisexual child was turned straight by a rape, so to me it seems ridiculous that you are making an inverse argument. Perhaps if you didn’t use the word homosexuality so loosely (as applied to homosexual behavior or temporary homosexual alliance) and only used it to refer to someone’s ‘inborn’ or ‘natural’ orientation this essay would be more readable.

    • Alethea says:

      “I don’t think it’s fair to put the power of someone’s sexual orientation in the hands of an abuser.”

      Oh?

      Read this:

      https://ordinaryevil.wordpress.com/2013/03/07/the-story-of-grace-one-womans-inner-journey-from-sexual-confusion-towards-liberation/

    • Will says:

      I’m just getting to know some of what Alethea is saying on this site. But one thing jumps out in your comment that is ridiculous. An “inherently gay or bisexual child turned straight”? What science or study is there to back up that any child is inherently homosexual? I’ll answer that for you. There isn’t any; your premise a lie. There are no hormones, genes or anything to support your premise. Rather anatomical characteristics of males and females that determine gender dictate that each should be with the opposite sex.

      What’s most likely to determine a person acting out homosexually, and this is one view, is experience, especially early childhood experiences. Regarding therapy, the whole idea is to get people to understand why it is they do the things they do– because the profession believes most people don’t fully understand the reasons for their actions. And therapists focus on childhood experiences to help people understand the root cause of these actions and all manner of problems. For some reason, though, its politically incorrect to assume that some may be homosexual for reasons they don’t understand.

  15. Another reason why homosexuality needs to be more widely accepted so that more survivors can come out with their abuse.

    Another reason why feminism needs to stop and egalitarianism needs to replace it.

    I don’t know why this post terrified me, but it did and I have thought about it before too. For some odd reason the other day I was thinking about a mother molesting her daughter out of the blue. I creeped myself out. I have felt for a long time that women seemingly are more sadistic, violent, and creepy when they abuse. I am inherently afraid of all western women. They scare me so much that it’s hard to hold down a job to the point where I don’t have one.

    I am adopted and was abused by my adoptive mother, but not sexually according to my memory. But even when I hear accounts of sexual abuse by a male perpetrator, I feel the same anger and hopelessness. Not hopelessness at the actual crime as much as how society doesn’t take it seriously enough – especially female on female. I have read about survivors of sexual abuse and some of them scare me more when they minimize the abuse of their fellow survivors.

    And here I am, someone never raped. I was molested when I was 15 by a priest once and briefly, but I had a crush on him and I didn’t mind it at the time. I had two strange brothers who could have been more proper around me, but they didn’t sexually abuse me or anything of the like.

    This is a topic that continues to fascinate me. Paradoxically, it is frightening and I’m sorry for what you had to go through and still may be going through. Thank you for saying what is hard to say. I wish more would come out like you do.

    • Alethea says:

      Dear Elle,

      I don’t think accepting homosexuality more widely is even possible. It is already widely accepted. But even if it were not, I don’t think that having it be more accepted would have any impact on a person being able to reveal their abuse history. Quite the contrary, people who were sexually abused by an adult of the same sex would be more likely to accept their homosexuality as a part of themselves and embrace it, not seek to try and correct what is off in their psyche. What am I talking about?…..Did you read Grace’s story? https://ordinaryevil.wordpress.com/2013/03/07/the-story-of-grace-one-womans-inner-journey-from-sexual-confusion-towards-liberation/

      It’s the same with disease and pharmaceutical drugs. People get complacent with disease as “just a part of my life” or “there is no cure” etc. and they accept RX drugs as the only path to make them “feel better” but people can delve into their subconscious mind to heal why they are diseased, or have an illness, and heal with the powers of their own mind.

      >>I don’t know why this post terrified me, but it did and I have thought about it before too. For some odd reason the other day I was thinking about a mother molesting her daughter out of the blue. I creeped myself out. I have felt for a long time that women seemingly are more sadistic, violent, and creepy when they abuse. I am inherently afraid of all western women. They scare me so much that it’s hard to hold down a job to the point where I don’t have one.I am adopted and was abused by my adoptive mother, but not sexually according to my memory.>>

      You ought to look into these feelings. They are something to examine in yourself.

      Thank you for your support. I also wish more people would be willing to say the things I do, but I am grateful that I can do it, in order to help others.

      All my best,
      Alethea

      • A concerned citizen says:

        Oh, honey. You’re an idiot. You don’t think it’s POSSIBLE for homosexuality to be more widely accepted? How about the fact that we can still legally be discriminated against for housing and employment? Or the fact that you clearly do not accept them, so by the very definition it is POSSIBLE for them to be more accepted, as there are still people that do not accept them. And don’t you dare argue about objective “TRUTH” and then go on to invalidate people of other sexualities and faiths. Your god is by no means objective fact and if you were even the slightest bit open-minded you would understand that. People like you are what’s wrong with the world and I can’t wait until all these bigots die out.

        • Alethea says:

          It’s not a matter of accepting or not accepting “them” or anyone at all. But you are a hypocrite. You judge and condemn me for merely pointing out that homosexuality -in some people- can be caused by child sexual abuse, and wish for me to “die out.” That’s being hypocritical.

          My God is Love. God is Love. Love speaks the truth to others, and does not judge or condemn, but Love does recognize truths that are uncomfortable for most people to hear.

  16. Tyra John says:

    Thank you for posting this article. This topic is one of the reasons why I’ve grown to hate Feminism. I have not been abused by a female but throughout (my short) life, I’ve observed the bias and hypocrisy within the Feminist and Lesbian community. Feminists claim that they want equality but at the same time they want women to get off the hook for these horrible crimes. They say that women can be or are stronger than men, yet they defend female pedophiles and abusers because they are “broken”, “lonely” etc. If a male teacher has a sexual relationship with a female or male student he’s a sick monster. But if a female teacher has a sexual relationship with a male student, the kid is “lucky” and if its a female student its “sweet forbidden love”. Both are sick, but since women have this stereotype claiming that they can do no wrong and if they do THEY are the ones that are the victims, female sex predators often get away scott-free. And since I am attracted to women, I have interacted with people from the Feminist and Lesbian community up front. Everything is so PC it makes me sick. I pray that one day society, especially American society will wake up and realize that women can be just as sick and abusive as men.

    • Alethea says:

      Thank you Tyra,

      It’s one of the reason I do not like feminist groups or feminism. Thank you for articulating what I have always felt.

      Alethea

  17. anonymous says:

    I like some of your posts, they bring to light many problems that people try to ignore. You seem like a nice person. But in other posts, I have found a sense of ignorance. Maybe this is because you’re biased by being sexually abused, but they are offending none the less. Maybe I ‘don’t understand’, some things don’t make sense.
    A lot of your posts show you’re homophobic- and not every homophobic has been sexually abused. Here’s an article about it: http://www.pandys.org/articles/csaandsexuality.pdf .It seems you’re ignoring the sex taboo, and the homosexuality taboo. Animals often participate in gay sex, so there’s no arguing that it’s ‘unnatural’. If we want to talk about unnatural, we could mention airplanes, nuclear reactors, cars, and pollution of the sea. If homosexuality is such a bad thing why isn’t nature making it that people throw up or get sick when they do it?

    Children aren’t 100% innocent, sorry to tell you. Yes, maybe 90% or 95% innocent, but what about child molesters, murderers, and more? Maybe it’s a psychological thing, or maybe they were born with it. But children are selfish. Not in a bad way, just that they will do things for themselves- for reward. http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/101/4/e9.full This says that children that are believed not to be sexually abused exhibited sexual behavior. I hate child molesters, and pedophiles and such, but children aren’t the image of goodness you believe them to be.

    I am sorry for the things that have happened to you, and all other also. I really admire your strength, and how you’re trying to move on. I’m sorry if this seemed really harsh, but some things didn’t make sense.

    • Alethea says:

      Dear anonymous,

      First off, please do not label me as “homophobic.” Phobia means fear. I am not afraid of homosexuals, nor am I afraid that I am a homosexual.

      I never said “every homophobic has been sexually abused.”

      Once in a while animals that are off will engage in same-sex behavior, but it is not common, and it produces NOTHING. Same-sex sex in animals is nothing but a useless act. So it is indeed unnatural.

      “If homosexuality is such a bad thing why isn’t nature making it that people throw up or get sick when they do it?”

      This is a very immature question. It’s truly not worth a reply.

      I don’t know why you are saying children aren’t 100% innocent. When they are children, and an adult is crossing the line, or an adult is abusing them, or an adult is thinking about it…the child is indeed innocent.

      As far as child rapists, child murderers etc. each case would have to be examined. The vast majority of the time, the child was conditioned in some way to become a criminal –conditioned by adults, or drugs, or by video games that caused the child’s mind to snap.

      Of course children are selfish; I have written about that many times in many different articles on my Blog. We are all born with the selfish gene. But when it comes to the sexual boundaries of a child by an adult…THE CHILD IS INNOCENT.

      • Tyra John says:

        THANK YOU. I really don’t know what that Anon was trying to get at. Was he/she trying to hint that a child may deserve it because they are not “100% Innocent”?

        • Alethea says:

          Tyra,

          “Was he/she trying to hint that a child may deserve it because they are not “100% Innocent”?”

          Or maybe that they want it, and so it’s okay to do it to them.

      • Lucy says:

        Well although much time has passed, I must comment about your response to Anonymous… wow… Anonymous asks a simple question and your answer was that it is too immature to be worth a reply? Have you never heard that “no question is a dumb question”? I believe that Anonymous asked it with genuine feelings, so your response is quite rude. For someone who deals with harsh abuse in this blog, I would think that your resonses would be a bit gentler towards other human beings. You do seem to need to respond to people who disagree with you with a certain unwarranted force and harshness.
        I have read your blog for the first time today, I will have to backtrack as I am not sure how I got here! but I find it fascinating both because I am a lesbian, (and no I was never abused by either female or male adults or teenagers thankfully as a child) and because I had a very close friend whom I eventually realized had been sexually and emotionally abused (and maybe beaten, although I was never sure of this) by her Mother. The Father was away a lot for his work and I think the child was used as a “replacement”. She had told me once that when she was a child, her Mom would ask her to sleep with her when her Dad was away. It never occured to me at the time that there may have been more to that than just actual sleep until I realized how much she loathed herself. She was extremely damaged, she cut herself, something that when I met her, in 1981, was completely new to me! She was also stoned on acid almost every day… I lost touch with her as I moved to a different Canadian province. I have long wondered what happened to her.
        Anyways, I am going to think about some of your assertions before commenting further, I do have issues with some of them.
        One being your assertion that homosexuality is unnatural because it does not produce offspring… Is every “useless” human or animal act “unnatural” then?
        I have always been attracted to girls, first little crushes when I was as little as 4 years old, haha… her name was Frederica, she was a little neighbour next door, she was so cute! I remember just looking at her and just wanting to be near her and wanting to hold her little hand all the time! I developed more mature feelings towards young women as I grew older. I never EVER had those attractions to boys. I guess I am an unnatural being!
        I will return to comment further. Thank you.

        • Alethea says:

          Dear Lucy,

          Thank you for your criticism on how I reply to my readers.

          Anonymous’s comment about “throwing up” read to me as highly immature, or sarcasm. Either way, I don’t waste my time with either one. What one person finds as “rude” might be seen as intelligence to another person.

          Homosexuality is unnatural. It cannot produce children, and the body parts just don’t fit together.

          Your looking at that little girl as “so cute” and “wanting to be near her and wanting to hold her little hand” is a bad intention in your mind, and that little child was violated by your bad thoughts. She probably felt your vibe, and maybe even was made very uncomfortable by it. I am uncomfortable just reading your thoughts about that innocent little girl. If you are attracted to women, then that’s your thing, but keep your thoughts to yourself and push them away if you feel them about another woman –who probably does not share your lesbian tendencies. People can sense others having thoughts about them. Please learn to control your mind, because intention and harbored thoughts can affect others.

  18. Cooper Rose says:

    Karen, You have thought with such intricacy about our topic. I really appreciate it. I believe that mother-daughter incest is more intricate in it’s complexity psychologically and perhaps even in it’s physical forms. That makes those of talking about it really brilliant! 🙂 As a lesbian who was molested by an older girl and then struggled with my mother for years in her insistance on treating my infections in ways that were stimulating, I can validate that it is very difficult to talk about these issues in the lesbian community. Perhaps we might be more successful in our conversations in the lesbian community to say, “there may be some women in the lesbian community who are playing out their incest in their relationships.” I don’t have enough time to go through every piece of your entry (awesome!) but I believe, and assume that you don’t think people who hate homosexuals for ANY reason are fully healed, that sexual orientation is something personal to each person, and that we all might have the ability to be turned on by either sex if we aren’t forced, and so choose. I believe it’s a good idea to allow people the right to choose, to experiment and to explore and to find what they like with consenting peers. Do you think that, or do you think homosexuality is “abnormal?” or “bad?”

    I struggle with hating women sometimes, and I know it’s my old, unresolved stuff about the molestation from the past. But I wouldn’t ever say “women are bad.”

    Thank you for your time and energy in articulating our truths.

  19. Karen says:

    Thank you so much for writing this. I was molested when I was a child a handful of times by a female neighbor who was in high school at the time. I wanted to hang out with her because I thought she was cool and so I did anything she asked, and I didn’t really understand what was happening, being only about 7 at the time. Years later, I have found myself completely confused about my sexuality. On the one hand I know that I am heterosexual, that I am emotionally and biologically attracted to men, but I have always been aroused by the female body, even while not being attracted to the female herself, and am especially aroused by scenes of female degradation. It has always caused feelings of disgust and shame and confusion, and only recently it has struck me that it might be connected to those events. After reading your article I feel as if it makes sense to me now.
    But is there any hope for recovery? Is this something I am going to have to just live with for the rest of my life? How have you dealt with your struggle?

    • Alethea says:

      Karen, not only is there relief, but I am going to ask a person who came to my Blog a long time ago to post to you. She read the same article and eventually reached out to my therapist because she felt like you do. She is doing very well now and can give testimony to the healing and peace that comes from dealing with this issue in deep therapy.

      I can tell you that you have the ability to be liberated and not be affected by women, images of women, or by scenes of female degradation……….and you can look at a naked woman on TV or in a film as if you were looking at a chair. But you have to address the confusion at the inner level, inside you, at the level in which you were affected.

      You DO NOT have to live with this confusion and what can cause distress and homosexual affairs, or what can cause marital sexual difficulties. This is not a life sentence. Nor should you HAVE to live with it. What was done to you by an older female, who abused you, is not you. The abuse is not you. The sexual feelings over women is not you. It is the direct cause of your mind and body being confused by a child sex perpetrator.

      • Hallie says:

        I was sexually abused by a female at 9. She touched me on my privates quite a bit and kissed me in the mouth. She was 15 or 16. I have done some counseling over the
        years, but I must admit I have not noticed any attraction to the same sex or sexual orientation difficulties at all. I will not go digging where I have not had anything come up. I have plenty of other sexual abuse that is severe to deal with first. If it comes up, I will for sure deal with it.

        Thanks for this website that clears up many misnomer’s or things asserted to be truth, or myth’s or mistaken beliefs. I am learning a lot. God Bless You.

        • Alethea says:

          Not everyone reacts the same way. I am happy to know you don’t have any reaction to women.

          God Bless you too!

    • Grace says:

      Dear Karen,

      I am so glad that you have found Alethea’s blog. For me, it has proven to be a very strong support for the part of me that needs to look at abuse head-on.

      Female-female sexual abuse is something I have had a hard time finding information on. It happens all the time, and please know that you are NOT alone. I, for one, know how you are feeling. I have also suffered from being confused about my sexuality. I have always pushed men away, and for a long time believed I was gay. I was even in a long-term relationship with a woman. This sexual confusion was not based solely on the abuse I endured at the hands of an older female sibling, but I know the abuse played a huge role.

      The confusion is still something I have to live with, but it is slowly getting better. I can say that therapy helped greatly, as has my contact with others who have gone through a similar story as mine.

      Yes, Karen – there is hope for recovery. You will have to live with it for the rest of your life, but not in a way that it is CONTROLLING your life. You CAN have a story like ours and still live in peace.

      If you want more information, want to vent to someone who understands, or want to discuss anything more in-depth, let Alethea know and she will give you my personal email address (I don’t want to post it publicly).

      Blessings and light to you!
      — Grace

    • Michelle says:

      I agree with what Alethea is saying. After reading this blog I decided it was time to seek help and I went to a therapist (not hers). And a little less than a year later I can’t tell you the amount of peace I am starting to grasp. I didn’t believe it was possible but a lot of my shame, anger and hate has dissipated. It keeps me motivated to continue and I have seen the difference in ALL of my relationships improve for the better. Seeking help helped me and it may help you as well. 🙂

      • Alethea says:

        Michelle…what a beautiful comment. You made my day with this comment…no, you made my entire month.

        Thank you.

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