Time To Move On

I know I have been quiet for some time now. I know I said there would be more chapters “coming soon” in my memoirs, but the past few weeks have transformed me into a new chapter of my life.

I am turning the page on my past, and moving on to new things, new experiences, new projects, different goals, and to a place that no longer includes writing about my family, or exposing my pain and trials.

I have reached a place of total forgiveness and an objective understanding of my soul’s growth, and what the “human” experience is truly about.

I know I may disappoint some readers with my decision, but I have to do what feels right in my heart.

My Blog has helped countless people over the years, so I will keep it up and running. However, my posts and articles will now be geared towards news, events, research, the mind, trauma articles, posts on the mind/body connection, repressed memory, and child sexual abuse in general.

I will be deleting my memoirs from my Blog.

Love and Peace to all….






Posted in Child Abuse | 6 Comments

The Vagina Monologues Promotes Child Molestation and Rape


The Vagina Monologues, was created by Eve Ensler, who placed a scene in the play called, “The Little Coochie Snorcher That Could.”

In the skit, a 24-year-old woman seduces a 13-year-old girl with alcohol, and then sexually molests her. By moral law, this is RAPE, and it is a crime under the law.

In the play, the little girl declared:

“Now people say it was a kind of rape … Well, I say if it was rape, it was a good rape…”

After concerned individuals complained about The Vagina Monologues, the reference to “good rape” was stopped in some performances of the play, but the so-called ‘positive’ experience of a young girl being seduced and sexually abused by a grown woman, remained the theme.

In the play, the little girl raved about her orgasm (an orgasm brought on, during an act of child sexual abuse). The child proclaims in the play, “she gently and slowly lays me out on the bed”… “I’ll never need to rely on a man.”

In updated versions of the play (also due to complaints by the public), the 13 year-old girl was changed to a 16 year-old. However, even a sixteen year-old girl does not have the discrimination to make rational decisions when seduced and manipulated by an older woman who, by age alone, is an authority figure to the girl, and usually someone the victim trusts or looks up to.

The suggestion that female-female sexual abuse is “good” for the child, and not sexual abuse at all, was made quite clear in this play.

The Vagina Monologues encouraged the disturbing belief that if a woman sexually molests a female child, it’s okay, and even good for the little girl.

The Vagina Monologues is presented nationwide, every year on Valentine’s Day, a day which symbolizes Love, devotion, self-sacrifice, courtship, and romance. This play has devalued what true Love is, by advertising the play as “V” Day, as in “vagina” and by running the play ‘in honor’ of Valentine’s Day.

This play has nothing to do with Love, romance, courtship, or mutual respect in a committed relationship. The Vagina Monologues consists of numerous monologues read by many different actresses, with each of the monologues addressing varying aspects of female experiences, like sex, love, rape, menstruation, female genital mutilation, masturbation, birth, and orgasm.

The recurring theme of the play is that the vagina is a tool of female empowerment, and ‘the ultimate embodiment of individuality’ and the play goes into tampons and tools used in OBGYN exams, and even considers the word “cunt” to be positive.

Supporters of the play praise its fund-raising abilities, and that it will help “end violence against women.” On the contrary, this play encourages violence against women.

The Vagina Monologues, is alarming on multiple levels.

Many versions of this play not only promotes female to female child molestation against a teenage girl, but the play portrays the idea that women don’t even need men –that they should become lesbians.

The play also annihilates the beautiful concept of Valentine’s Day and denegrates it into a day for the celebration of lesbians, child abuse, vaginas, and feminism.

Women, by nature, are supposed to be the protectors of children, not the abusers of them.

Throughout time, females have been counted on to retain compassion, dignity, and the right for life to exist. It is women who have been given the sole right to nurse a child, and who have been looked to for comforting victims, and are the only gender to be able to give birth to a child.

Feminism, is not about empowering women. Feminism -as it stands- has nothing to do with women’s rights, equal pay, or political, social and economic equality to men.

There is nothing empowering about ‘talking vaginas,’ the degradation of women, the physical and emotional power of sexually abusing a child, or the purposeful degradation of men. It is not empowering for a woman to discuss her vagina.

Empowerment of women begins when women stop only defending one another, and instead, defend truth, justice, femininity, children -and men when men need defending or nurturing, or to feel like real men.

The empowerment of women begins when women stop believing they are the superior sex (both sexes have good qualities), that they don’t need men, and when they honor the true feminine qualities of grace, compassion, softness, inner beauty, and respect and dignity for all life, and for men.

Powerful women look to the good attributes of men, and admire them, by uplifting men with honor and respect for their goodness, masculinity, and as the defenders of women and children that manhood is supposed to be.

How can women expect a man to be a protector and a guardian of women, if women continue to demoralize men, and make them feel obsolete?

Powerful women use their bodies as a way to be gentle and powerful simultaneously.

Women were once considered Sacred in this world, but feminism has all but abolished the sanctity of women.

Ultimately, Valentine’s Day, is linked to Saint Valentine. Saints represent sanctity, holiness, self-sacrifice, and consecration to a place of honor and reverence.

This is what women should strive for –not to be more powerful than men, or to outdo them, or to replace them –but to raise their consciousness to a place where men desire to revere women again.

If women want to end violence against women, then they need to begin by looking at themselves, and their role in how men see them.

It’s no wonder why so many men are full of anger and resentment, and feelings of inadequacy. A lot of women -especially feminists- treat men like crap by degrading them, and by minimizing their important role in life.

Love has respect for both genders, and Love honors the innate qualities in each sex.

May the innocence and intrinsic love in children, remind you of Valentine’s day.


Posted in Child Abuse | 16 Comments

Personal Mental Defense Systems in Sexual Abuse Victims

(Edited re-post)

Stacey Lannert’s father sexually abused her for years, and her mother ignored it. Stacey ended up protecting herself by killing her father. After she was incarcerated for murder, (Stacey has since been released from prison) Stacey spoke out about needing to remember the good side of her father.


Stacey said that, instead of remembering that her father had raped her, she remembers when he would, “just be my daddy and he’d hold me, talk to me, or just call me his tiger in a loving voice.”

Truddi Chase (pictured below with Oprah)  suffered sadistic abuse and rapes by her father. Her mother also physically abused and threatened her.

“It’s hard to think mean thoughts about a mother who trimmed the crusts off the bread for your school sandwiches” ~Truddi Chase speaking about her mother

Truddi Chase on Oprah

As adults, Stacey and Truddi express the human denial system in its purest form –with the simplicity of a child.

“It is understandable that some would choose to deny their memories, preferring to endure the anguish of symptoms rather than the anguish of the remembering process”~Anne Hart

A Holocaust survivor, who lived in the Auschwitz concentration camp for one year, also offers an example of how sincere the human denial system is.

When asked by her therapist about her memories of being imprisoned. the previous prisoner of war said, “I remember it had beautiful flowers.” She then sat silently for five full minutes before finally beginning to cry.

The conscious denial of the prison camp, allowed her to operate in the present. However, the woman’s method for repressing her experience had failed, because she continued to suffer in her daily life.

This is what happens when adult survivors of child sexual abuse, or incest, function in the same denial system that helped them survive the horrors of abuse in the first place.

However, this unconscious ritual ends up failing when -later in life- the soul cries out to be relieved of the pain. For a time, the previously useful arrangement between the conscious and unconscious mind, helped the person maintain a somewhat functional life, but eventually it becomes a prison and the memories beg to come through to consciousness.

It’s not surprising, or uncommon, that victims of sexual abuse would deny their history of abuse. Even perpetrators deny having been sexually assaulted as children.

FBI agent Roy Hazelwood did a survey on forty-one rapists, who combined had perpetrated at least 837 rapes. The perpetrators were asked about any personal experiences with having been sexually abused as a child. Only one man stated that he had been abused. This surprised Hazelwood, so he asked the rapists about their earliest sexual experience. It was clear that most of the men had been victims of child sexual assault. Thirty-one of the rapists (seventy-six percent) did not realize that their first experience with sex had been abusive –even though one man had been raped by his father until he was eleven years old.

The case of a five year old girl who saw her father fatally shoot her mother and then commit suicide is an excellent example of how victims begin to deny the trauma and pain shortly after the traumatic experiences take place. Five weeks after the traumatic crime, the child was asked by a mental health professional, what the worst thing was that had ever happened to her.

In that moment the child displayed a marked alteration in her facial expression, stopped playing, moved her face and head away from the interviewer and stared into space. After a long pause, she said, “I wanted to stay up late last weekend and have pizza, but I had to go to bed.” After her statement, the interview consisted of the girl giving only single word responses.

Abused children will do anything they can in order defend their survival. This includes “fantasy escapes,” or by forcibly attempting to drive the events from consciousness.

When Dr. Joy Silberg asks her child patients to recall their trauma, they reply, “Don’t ask me. It hurts my brain.”

These victims are actively trying to compel the events out of their mind.

Another woman, with no conscious awareness of any child abuse, was extremely troubled by rage. When her therapist asked her to draw a picture of what had caused her anger, an instantaneous flood of hidden emotions were provoked. Without knowing why, the woman drew a picture of the Catholic Church she had attended as a small child. A short time later she began to recall being sexually abused by her childhood priest.

Validation for the woman’s memories was established when she and her husband did some investigating and found that three years earlier, the priest pleaded guilty to molesting a ten year-old girl and was serving time in prison.

Another example is how the mind can sometimes use symbols for traumatic events. Two books, The Courage to Heal and Uncovering Memories of Sexual Abuse in Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, both discuss women who remember a knife as what penetrated them instead of a penis.

To a small child, the first time a penis is forced inside their vagina or rectum, it can feel as if they have been penetrated by a knife.  I can attest to this first-hand.

Traumatic memories can surface in other protective ways. One woman had been experiencing moments of vaginal pain along with flashes of lollipops. In therapy she remembered molestation that had taken place on routine visits to her pediatrician.

At first, the woman thought she had been molested with a lollipop. However, when she relayed her newly recalled memories to her parents, they told her she had been sexually abused as a child by the family doctor, who had given her a lollipop after each visit.

The more severe abuse, or psychologically damaging aspect of sexual abuse, usually shows itself as treatment progresses, or even towards the end of therapy.

Children, who have just been removed from an abusive situation, commonly disclose the least terrifying, or the less intense parts of being sexually abused, before finally reporting the more severe trauma.

Adult survivors of sexual abuse and trauma, who are still blocking out certain experiences, allow themselves to remember the abuse in essentially the same way.

However, some people might think that being raped by a parent, or having been threatened with death with a knife, would be the worst part of having been traumatized and emotionally scarred as a child. But when sexual abuse is not recalled until adulthood, the most emotionally painful event often emerges after memories of a physically violent rape or terrifying experiences are recalled.

It has been my personal experience, and of others, that memories of the emotional attachment to the perpetrator and any sexual stimulation a victim might feel during the molestation or rape, usually come back to the adult survivor much later in the healing work.

Most adult survivors keep extremely painful truths hidden from themselves for a very long time. This can include that some of the sexual abuse felt good, orgasms, that they enjoyed being touched, or that they felt sad when the abuse ended.

For other people, the deep and powerful emotional pain can be remembering sexual abuse by a family member of the same-sex, especially if it felt good. Or the victim had an orgasm with their perpetrator.

This system is a self-survival system. But it only works for so long, and one day, the memories beg to come through to consciousness. When this happens, the adult survivor will begin to develop serious problems like self-punishment, self-sabotage, destructive behaviors, self-hatred, self-abuse, eating disorders, drug and alcohol addiction, and other psychologically-induced physical illnesses.

When we do not deal with the subconscious mind, it deals with us.


Source Notes:
Hearing the Survivor’s Voice: Sundering the Wall of Denial, Sandra Bloom, Journal of Psychohistory, Vol 21, Number 4, spring 1994, page 462
Stacey Lannert, Free Stacey Lannert Website, Stacey’s Writings
When Rabbit Howls, Truddi Chase, Introduction and Epilogue by Robert A. Philips Jr., Ph.D, 1987
Holocaust Survivor’s Mental Health, T.L. Brink Ph.D. Editor, pages 22-23 (Also published as Clinical Gerontologist, Volume 14, Number 3 1994), 1994 Haworth Press, Inc. Birmingham NY Holocaust Survivor’s Mental Health, T.L. Brink Ph.D. Editor, page 23 (Also published as Clinical Gerontologist, Volume 14, Number 3 1994), 1994 Haworth Press, Inc. Birmingham NY
The Evil That Men Do: FBI Profiler Roy Hazelwood’s Journey into the Minds of Sexual Predators, Stephen G. Michaud with Roy Hazelwood, St. Martin’s Press, New York, 1998, page 123.
Memories of Fear How the Brain Stores and Retrieves Physiologic States, Feelings, Behaviors and Thoughts from Traumatic Events Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D. The Child Trauma Academy, Academy version of a chapter originally appearing in “Splintered Reflections: Images of the Body in Trauma” (Edited by J. Goodwin and R. Attias) Basic Books (1999)
Memories Called Key in Abuse Suits, Beth Miller, The News Journal, April 13, 2007
“The Recovered Memory Project” Ross Cheit, “Woman relies on Repressed Memory in Alleging Priest Abuse” Maine Sunday Telegram October 26 1997: 1B
The Courage to Heal, Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, page 90
Uncovering Memories of Sexual Abuse in Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, Charlotte Prozan, Construction and Reconstruction of Memory: Dilemmas of Childhood Sexual Abuse, Charlotte Prozan Editor, Jason Aaronson Inc., 1997, page 126
The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, Updated Third Edition, HarperCollins, 1994, page 90
Behind the Playground Walls: Sexual Abuse in Preschools, Jill Waterman Ph.D, Robert J. Kelly Ph.D, Mary Kay Oliveri MSW, Jane Mc Cord, Ph.D, 1993, The Guilford Press page 68
Memories of Fear How the Brain Stores and Retrieves Physiologic States, Feelings, Behaviors and Thoughts from Traumatic Events Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D. The Child Trauma Academy http://www.ChildTrauma.org  Academy version of a chapter originally appearing in “Splintered Reflections: Images of the Body in Trauma” (Edited by J. Goodwin and R. Attias) Basic Books (1999)
The Voice of Memory: One Woman’s Journey to Reclaim the Past, Beatriz Terrazas, Dallas Morning News, June 11, 2000
Posted in Child Abuse, child molestation, child sexual abuse, Headlines, Health, Holistic, Mind, Body, Spirit, News, Religion, repressed memory, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Forgiveness Frees Our Soul and Generates Joy

“When we harbor negative emotions toward others or toward ourselves, or when we intentionally create pain for others, we poison our own physical and spiritual systems.”

~ Caroline Myss

Incest and child sexual abuse are an abomination. Even people who have not been victimized have a difficult time feeling any objective compassion for those who commit sex crimes against children, so it is infinitely more complicated for victims and adult survivors to find any shred of mercy in their heart.

Genuine absolution is easier for some people, especially if an apology has been offered, or when the abuser has tried to make up for what has happened. When the perpetrator, or their accomplice, completely deny the abuse or admit to their crimes but refuse to apologize or take any responsibility, then finding even an ounce of forgiveness can be perceived as unattainable.

Rage is the most suitable reaction to being sexually molested, raped, or tortured. The sexual abuse of children, especially incest, is an atrocity. This is a degenerate and serious crime. It is the root of many of the ills in our society. Sexual abuse contributes to thousands of suicides and can inflict a lifetime of hell on the victim.

Child sexual abuse and child rape weakens the soul so much that the victim often gives up hope and longs for death. Child sexual abuse destroys dreams and generates nightmares.

The mere silence from the mother who turned away from her child’s screams may seem unfathomable to forgive.

It is usually much harder to exonerate the mother who did not protect us than to forgive the man who molested or raped us. The mother is a much deeper wound because she is sacred to a child. It is infinitely more complicated to forgive a mother who protected the rapist, or molester, over her own child -or who sexually abused her child. These are brutal wounds.

The True Meaning of Forgiveness

First and foremost, the act of forgiveness does not mean the perpetrator should roam free to continue their crimes against children. Some religious belief systems give the false impression that forgiveness means you don’t turn in a child molester, or that you help the perpetrator to avoid prison.

Justice and forgiveness go hand in hand.

Forgiveness does not mean remaining silent about being abused or allowing others to step on us. Absolution does not mean that a person must uphold or adapt to a lie, or cater to the denial system of those who hurt us.

Forgiveness is about offering mercy and compassion to the soul of another person. This, in no way, implies that we condone what happened, or that we allow someone to abuse us again, or that we must pretend that nothing ever happened.

Forgiveness comes only to a prepared soul, and it usually does not come in its totality until the final stages of recovery. True forgiveness requires a will to do so.

Forgiveness is a long hard road, and it must come from within. Forgiveness cannot be forced by anyone or by a religious belief. We can consciously say we forgive our perpetrators in order to feel better about ourselves or about them. We can say it to appease family members or in a faithful attempt to honor God, but the child inside is the one who suffered, and she or he needs to feel cleansed through the natural process of driving out all negative emotions.

Once this is accomplished, the adult survivor can transform their pain into an objective, and even somewhat compassionate, understanding of those who committed the sexual assaults, betrayal, breach of trust, rapes, torture and psychological abuse. YES. These things are all possible to forgive.

For a number of years I thought I had forgiven my parents, but for so long, the child in me refused to forgive because she still felt so much pain, and I had not yet remembered all there was to forgive. When we are still repressing memories that are attached to a deep emotional trauma, we cannot yet release any resentment and anger connected to that memory.

Basically, we cannot forgive what we have not yet remembered.

If someone is still repressing a traumatic event, or years of sexual abuse, or rape, then they will also unknowingly harbor every emotion connected to those experiences, including unforgiveness.

Who Can Be Forgiven?

Everyone. For everything, and anything.

It is even possible to forgive a person who has passed away. Absolution is for the soul -not for the physical body.

Even if the person is still alive, it is the human soul that we pardon. We are not forgiving the act, or the personality of the person, or their human form.

Some survivors say they aren’t sure if they have found mercy for their abuser. Uncertainty usually means they have not completely forgiven, and it is usually the victims and survivors who still cannot absolve themselves of the guilt and shame, who are hindering their ability to forgive their abuser.

We must forgive ourselves in order to find a TRUE place of total forgiveness -the kind of forgiveness that equals the highest possible spiritual place.

A common belief is that forgiveness is for the victim, not for the abuser—but this is not true mercy. Forgiveness is for BOTH victim and perpetrator.

We must forgive ourselves for the shame and guilt we held for years or decades like a suitcase attached to our ankle, but we cannot say we forgive our abusers only to have it be about us. This is not true forgiveness and is a form of selfishness. Human beings must forgive those who harmed them in order to release ourselves from the bond which a lack of leniency brings us. 

Forgiveness is essential for the soul of the perpetrator, and it will ultimately be crucial for ours as well.

Unforgiveness Can Cause Serious Illness and Disease

No one can or should forgive superficially. Cancer, heart attacks, and other illness is often the result of harboring years of resentment that has built up in a person’s conscious or subconscious mind. This is why true healing cannot be done without true forgiveness. This is not an admonition or a religious condemnation; it is just a simple scientific truth.

Various books proclaim that forgiveness is not necessary to heal…. That is a nice thought, but also impossible.

One woman wrote on a message board in a sexual abuse recovery forum that she was “not into forgiveness” for what destroyed her life. She didn’t think it was necessary to forgive her father in order to heal. Yet —in the very same paragraph— she wrote that her biggest problem was not forgiveness, but that she still suffered from a multitude of psychologically induced physical problems resulting from the abuse.

This woman could not see the paradox in her own statement. The issue she avoided and didn’t think was needed or important, was exactly what has the power to heal her lingering physical problems that are connected to anger and resentment.

Louise Hay, author of Heal Your Life, the best-selling book about the mind/body connection, was raped at age five by a neighbor. When Louise was diagnosed with cervical cancer in the late seventies, she knew the cancer was caused by her unwillingness to forgive her rapist. She refused surgery and drugs. Louise chose to undergo psychotherapy and began the road to forgiveness. She also utilized nutrition and other alternative healing methods, but I am certain that letting go of her resentment was the key to her full recovery from the cancer.

Dr. Gabor Maté, author of When the Body Says No: Understanding the Stress-Disease Connection, says that the human immune system is like a “floating brain.” He says the immune system has —in a sense— memory and that many common diseases and illnesses, especially autoimmune disease, are the result of repressed anger and unresolved childhood pain.

Leniency is Not an Act of Weakness, But One of Strength

Turning anger into mercy can deliver vast amounts of positive healing energy for ourselves and for everything and everyone on the planet, but it must be authentic and offered from the heart. It cannot be manipulated or intimidated by another person or by a religion.

Genuine absolution —the kind that frees our soul— must be unconditional and without reservation. The forgiveness journey is not a simple one, nor is it painless. It is like climbing three, five, or sometimes ten thousand feet up a steep and winding mountain path with your bare feet and sometimes you are on your knees.

The climb is painful and can take your breath, and you will have to stop and rest countless times while wanting to turn back.

But if a person can persevere to the top, then the reward is like turning poison into a beautiful flower in the sunshine

If a previously abused person truly wants to become free, completely healthy, and to be at peace, then they need to remove the black malignant mass that is blocking their heart from receiving healing LOVE. During some of the darkest times of my recovery, a powerful yet gentle voice with no gender, came to me in my sleep and told me, “True healing cannot be done without God.”

God is love and LOVE heals.

Going beyond our pain in order to offer forgiveness is much stronger than if we only love those who love us. What is so special about only forgiving the people who love us, or our friends, or those who have not brutally harmed us as children?

When Love is pushed into a small space of the heart, and is crowded out by anger, resentment, a desire to control, a need for revenge, and by hatred, then a person will never know peace, health, and freedom.

When all the negative energies are removed from a person’s subconscious mind, a deep sense of calm and peace envelopes the soul. It is an indescribable peace. It surmounts any human emotion or pleasurable human experience one can have.

I can now attest to the fact that this euphoric experience is possible and I can tell you that it is the most beautiful feeling in the entire world. It makes you cry tears of gratitude, and you get down on your knees for being so fortunate to be able to have such a deep and intense experience -a profound connection to The Divine.

Resentment will always attack a person. Love does not attack, it generates joy.

It is in giving that we receive. When we make room in our heart for pure LOVE, we receive all kinds of abundance. Once the poisonous emotions are eradicated, then PEACE is the only thing left to fill that once-toxic void.

Leniency is not an act of weakness, but one of strength. By forgiving my abusers, I released the power they held over me, and I freed my soul from the contract that would have kept us bound for an eternity.

Today I am in the happiest, most peaceful, most beautiful place of my entire life.

I am grateful to be alive.


My beloved Guardian Angel Dog and myself, on my birthday 2016.



Wikipedia Encyclopedia, http://louisehay.wwwhubs.com/

Dr. Gabor Maté: “When the Body Says No: Understanding the Stress-Disease Connection”

© 2008 Alethea Marina Nova All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from the author. Photo copyright owned by author.

Posted in Child Abuse, child molestation, child sexual abuse, Health, Religion, repressed memory | Tagged , , , , | 4 Comments

Our Body is a Recording of Traumatic or Negative Experiences

What I have experienced, and know first-hand, through the work my therapist has done for the past 40 years, could be the medicine of the future –that is, if enough people get fed up over being lied to by the medical industry and the U.S. media.

As most of my readers know, my therapist has helped me heal me from illness and disease that medical doctors could not treat or cure. The only “treatment” they say “might” help some people is dangerous prescription drugs -drugs, that if you read the side-effects, you know you take a great risk to your health, or could even commit suicide or murder.

Surgery is no better.

The video at the end of this article, called “E Motion,” explains perfectly, how our unhealed Subconscious energies create current-day stress and more serious illness and disease like cancer, fibromayalgia, or myalgic encephalomyelitis (also known as chronic fatigue immune dysfunction syndrome, cfs, cfids).

Every physical or psychological symptom is the past talking to you -a cry for help- your inner child begging you to pay attention to her or him. Your body is your wounded child, crying to be heard, to be helped, to release those toxic emotions.

As explained in the E Motion video, the Subconscious Mind has no knowledge of time, past or “present.” Time does not exist in the Subconscious, so when the body is in pain, or when a person is experiencing a panic attack, it simply means that something in the outer world, has triggered the ‘inner world’ of the SC Mind.

Triggers can be a sound, a smell, something someone says, the color of someone’s shirt, a painting, a song, a betrayal, a co-worker being obnoxious, or even happy events can trigger the SC Mind to a past experience -usually in childhood- that has a negative connection.

The Subconscious Mind probably retains 90% of our unhealed emotions, memories, and negative experiences, and drives our lives until we heal them.

The good news is that the Subconscious Mind is a holographic image, or a computer (if you will), that knows everything we need to heal ourselves, because it knows how we got sick in the first place.

The SC Mind is a holographic computer that remembers everything. We don’t remember much consciously. Every day, we forget our keys, wallet, sunglasses, what we ate at a restaurant last week, or once in a while, it forgets things like having been invited to a movie with a friend.

On the contrary, the SC Mind knows exactly what’s wrong with you if you come down with psychosomatic symptoms, or illness, or disease that is rooted in unhealed emotions.

The SC Mind also knows exactly how to fix you. It knows what the trapped emotions are, who was involved, and every detail of how the experience impacted you at the time.

Emotions provide information


The human body is a doorway to the unhealed energies in the Subconscious Mind. The conscious and Subconscious Mind send signals to the cells in our body –even to our hormonal cells and skin cells, and also to the chemicals in our brain and body.

The Subconscious Mind is like a lens that blocks our true vision of the world.

Until we totally heal and free the Subconscious Mind, as well as our social and religious programming, and until we change our childhood negative conditioning, memories and emotions about how we view the world, we will always view life from an unhealed person/child state of mind, and also from social conditioning about how we ‘should or should not’ be/think/feel.

This programming and emotions are invisible, unseen, energies that have the ability to create negative energies in our body and mind –negative energies that, if ignored and unrecognized, can cause serious disease, illness, and mental illness. I believe that about 90% of all disease and illness has a psychological root cause.

The E Motion video has people talking about the power of the mind in ways that I have never heard anyone else say, except my therapist, and the video describes the power of the mind –describes it in the exact way in which I have personally discovered in my own healing.

The long-list of illnesses and diseases, and chronic suffering that I have been liberated from and are found in millions of other people, create a loss of hope because medical doctors are treating serious unhealed emotions -disguised as illness, disease, and chronic pain- with dangerous RX drugs and surgeries, both of which only anger the SC Mind even more.

The patterns of pain, re-traumatizing, illness and disease, chronic pain, relationship issues, and self-sabatoging behavior will continue until we heal those patterns at the Subconscious level.

As I have written many times, the conscious mind cannot heal us, and RX drugs, surgery, marijuana, and “positive” thinking will never heal a person because it will never get to the root cause of the problem. These things only suppress the real problem and cover it up, and it is our inner child, and thus our body, wanting our attention. If we do not listen, the SC Mind gets our attention through pain and suffering.

If we tell the body, “I am not going to listen to you,” then it will cry out louder with more serious problems.

The leading cause of physical pain, is the storing of negative emotional molecules

–Creators of the E Motion Video

If a person does not know how to release those negative energies (negative emotions and traumatic memories) then they continue to be stored in anatomical sites, and affect the physiological function of our anatomy. This is when they become diagnosed as disease and illness.

 Trapped emotions are what keep us from our Divine Nature.

If people understood the power of releasing these blocked and unhealed energies, then they would be amazed and blown-away at how much creativity and positive sexual energy, loving energy, spiritual energy, and altruistic desires can flourish through them and out into the world.

True transformation comes from within, and the result of true transformation is joy, love, connection with The Divine, and a deep desire to make the world a better place and to be a better person.

FB One

16 years ago, I was bed-ridden, too sick to go for a hike, and hated my inner child. 16 years ago, I could never have experienced this kind of moment.



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Pry Open Those Wounds With The Truth

“Cry out with a hundred thousand tongues; the world is rotten because of silence!”

~Saint Catherine of Siena.

Many people -even survivors of child sexual abuse- are disturbed by my honesty. But my articles are written for those who have experienced what I have, and who want to hear the truth.

Every topic about child sexual abuse demands to be addressed, and thus, survivors can get hurt and angry, and have their wounds pried open. But truth is compassion.

People need to evolve and heal, not stay stuck in their dysfunction and pain.

People must face their wounds in order to heal them. Hiding serves no purpose. Pretending helps no one. Avoiding truth is a sickness in this world, and on the soul of those who were sexually abused as children.

By writing this article, I hope to help people to come to their truth about any physiological reaction they experienced from being sexually abused –any bodily reaction that created pleasure, or even an orgasm.

I want people to know they are not alone! I want other abuse survivors to understand that they are okay…that any physical pleasure or enjoyment from the sexual abuse or molestation –or even rapes– is normal and nothing to be ashamed of.

A child does not have any understanding of “right and wrong” when they have been groomed by a sexual abuser –especially when they had no other love from anyone else, and when their body just does what the body does.

If you were sexually abused or raped by anyone –even by someone of the same sex– and you felt pleasure, or your body responded to oral sex, or the rape, or you went to your abuser for love, to gain acceptance, or to feel human contact with someone you cared about, or with someone you wanted to care about you, or if you felt sad when the abuse ended…. let me assure you that you are not alone, and you are among millions of survivors of child sexual abuse who were cheated, confused, and betrayed by their body because they were too young to know any better.

You might have come from a home that had very little love or affection, and maybe you were even resented by your parents. You might even have been sexually abused by one of your parents, or your brother, or an uncle, or even a grandparent or sister…. and you have probably wanted to die inside because you lived with so much shame and disgust at yourself for taking pleasure in the sexual abuse with your parent, other relative, or even a Minister/Rabbi/Priest.

Know this…the only disgusting person was the perpetrator who tricked you into thinking that being sexual with them was “love,” or that you needed to do it in order to gain their approval or affection, or to be treated well.

But we cannot heal from what we do not want to deal with. We cannot expel what we are too afraid or ashamed to think about. We cannot heal ourselves, children, or the earth if we do not stop lying to ourselves, and speak these ugly truths to one another, and allow those truths to be spoken.

Human beings, especially children, have a need for love, attention, and affection. They will often take it any way they can get it –even if that need is fulfilled by a sexual predator.

This can cause a deeply embedded “guilt neurosis” in the victim.

Experts would do better by victims, if they openly discussed this and did not allow it to be just one more dirty little secret that victims have to deal with by themselves because no body wants to hear about “THAT” subject.

Subsequently, the victim feels isolated, different, defective, and left to try and heal this on their own, or in most cases, they will not heal it at all because they will not face it without someone helping them to be honest with themselves.

It is truth, which liberates the victim from their self-made prison.

To be quite clear –the perpetrator is 100% at fault. The child rapist, or the child molester, is the one who manipulated and coerced the child. The predator is the one who holds sole responsibility for the the acts, for the child’s reaction to the abuse, and for the crime.

Letting Go of Repressed Guilt Can Set You Free

But in order to heal this issue, victims need to hear that it’s okay to admit they enjoyed some of the sexual abuse, and if they are not allowed to grieve that guilt out of their mind and body, then they will always feel there is something wrong inside themselves.

I spent years with an unknown feeling inside, an instinctual feeling that there was “something deeply wrong with me.” I had no idea what was wrong with me. It was merely a deep knowing –a strange feeling that something was not okay inside me.

I was not able to expel that wretched feeling until I began to remember, and feel the truths of going to my father for sex, having orgasms with him, and that I enjoyed the attention and felt competitive with my mother.

I needed to feel those realities, release the emotions, and to validate with my own self, that there was nothing wrong with those feelings. 

People Fear What Lurks in Their Subconscious Mind. If They Only Knew That Facing the Unknown, Can Liberate Them

It is vital to speak openly about this subject, because if we do not, victims will develop a guilt neurosis that can cause them a lifetime of physical and psychological problems.

If victims of rape and child sexual abuse, who felt pleasure or went to their abusers for more –if they are not given the truth, or not allowed to remember the truth, they will suffer the rest of their lives with repressed guilt.

I suffered for two decades with repressed guilt. It took me that long to allow myself to fully remember, accept, and to heal those ugly truths.

I hope this article helps others to not have to wait that long.

In order for the soul to heal itself, it needs truth.

Below is a list of the ways in which my guilt over having felt pleasure and orgasms, and intimate contact, with my father had affected my life.

Please note that this is NOT a symptom check-list. This is not a list of symptoms that one should, or can, use to determine if they have repressed guilt like I did. This list is MY experience, my personal list of symptoms, but it can be used as a reference by others..

  • Chronic stomach aches
  • Serious problems with food (which would have been defined as several different “eating disorders.”)
  • Migraine headaches
  • Back pain
  • Chronic fatigue syndrome pain
  • Severe gas pains
  • Self-sabotaging behavior (not allowing myself to experience joy, making life harder for myself).
  • “Accidentally” cutting myself with kitchen utensils and kitchen knives on a regular basis.
  • “Accidentally” banging my head on objects all the time.
  • Fear of having fun.
  • Not allowing myself any pleasure or enjoyment.
  • Sexual dysfunction.
  • Extreme need for attention from men in order to establish my self-worth.
  • Repressed anger over having been cheated into thinking the sexual abuse with my father was “love.”

In my case, my guilt neurosis was magnified with the fact that my mother punished me, not my father, for the incest. There were also incidents of being punished immediately after having felt sexual pleasure with him. This really screwed with my psyche for a long time. As soon as something good or enjoyable ended in my adult life I would immediately experience a negative physical reaction, or depression.

Right after the enjoyment ended, it is as if I was saying, “okay, I’ve had a good time, so now I have to pay for it,” and thus, my unhealed subconscious made me pay with physical suffering.

I also suffered with psychosomatic symptoms because when the abuse ended, I was disturbed by that. People need to know that that many children disclose child sexual abuse because it has ended, and not to end the abuse.

Some children only tell because their abuser has started to molest a younger sibling, and the previous victim tells someone about the abuse out of jealousy. This is common, normal, and nothing to be ashamed of! The child was victimized and sexualized, and the guilt lays 100% on the abuser.

I believe that one of the worst violations of child sexual abuse and incest is not the rape of innocence, or the physical violence. It is not the emotional pain of betrayal by a trusted care-giver, or even the death threats and secrecy. For me, the worst part of child sexual abuse is the psychological violation of having confused the child into thinking that the sexual abuse was “love” –and I am positive that this issue has led to countless cases of eating disorders, over-eating, and other unhealthy relationships with food.



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Our Endangered Species: A Hard Look At How We Treat Children


This article is almost 17 years old, but I remember the day I read it in 1998, in The Los Angeles Times (Parade) Magazine. It was only a few months after I remembered my father had sexually abused, raped, and psychologically tortured me for ten years, but the article is still very powerful and timely for all victims of child rape, incest, as well as victims of mothers who don’t protect their young.

By Andrew Vachss
Originally published in Parade Magazine, March 29, 1998

“Years ago, I was in the middle of a hotly contested trial, representing an infant who had been so tortured that the testifying pediatric expert said the baby actually appeared “suicidal” even at such a young age. One of the opposing attorneys argued for the return of the child, saying his client was the “natural mother” and had certain rights. There was nothing “natural” about the “mothering” this baby boy had received. He would have been better off in a P.O.W. camp. And I began to reflect on how even biology has failed some children, how our human species no longer practiced the lessons of our predecessors. I wondered, even then, if it was too late for us. I do not believe it is—but I do believe we are running out of time.

Andrew Vachss

Our notion of the human family as the safeguard of our species has not evolved, says the author, Andrew Vachss (above). Instead, it has devolved—putting our very survival at risk.

Although we all believe our human species to be the highest point on the evolutionary scale, there is one critical area in which we have failed to evolve, one area in which we do not represent an improvement upon our predecessors. And this is a failure so fundamental, so critical, that our long-term survival is at stake. Ultimately, it poses a greater threat than war, poverty, hunger, crime, racism and tribalism—even of the genocidal variety—combined.

That fundamental failure is this: We are not protecting and preserving our own. Our notion of the human “family” as the safeguard of our species has not evolved. Instead, it has gone in the opposite direction—it has devolved.

It has devolved to the extent that we tolerate un-protective, even violently abusive parents. It has devolved to the extent that we tolerate predators within a child’s circle of trust—in schools, in clubs, within religious organizations. It has devolved to extent that abusers, even when they have been identified, are permitted further opportunities to prey. It has devolved to the extent that we insist on the “rehabilitative potential” of those who viciously injure and/or sexually assault their own children. And it has devolved to the extent that we permit convicted predators of children to be released and walk among us.

One distinguishing characteristic of highly evolved species is a long period of postnatal helplessness, when offspring are not able to fend for themselves. Another characteristic is pack behavior, a collectiveness which requires that all activity be geared to the ultimate survival of the group.

Among other mammals, non-protective parents are considered defective by other pack members. Not only will they decrease the pack’s numbers through direct attacks on their own young, but they also cannot be relied upon to guard the offspring of others while pack members forage, hunt or gather. And so they are expelled. Likewise, predators within a species are not tolerated. They are banished, avoided or killed. These are not moral judgements; they are biologically driven and, among all species but our own, compelling.


Wolves may be predators, but they are biologically driven to protect the young within their pack. To survive, our human pack, the family, must make protecting our own a priority.


Human animals, by contrast, have tolerated—even tacitly condoned—the non-protector and the predator, leading to an escalation of the rape, murder and torture of our children. Rather than making their survival, and the survival of our species, an unquestioned priority, we watch indifferently while the evolution of cruelty continues. Much of it comes from the individual family itself; all of it from the human family as a whole.

Instead of blaming the “destruction of the family” for every social ill and evil, we need to face the fact that this is a self-inflicted wound. The “family” is self-destructing—destroying itself from within by its failure to nurture and value its offspring. What are “family values” anyway? Unless and until the ultimate “family value” is protection of our children, such a term deserves no respect.

We cannot continue to tolerate those who prey upon our children—the future of our species. Evolution is a race, a relay race, with the baton passed from generation to generation. The competition is between those who value children as the seedlings of our species and those who value them as vassals and victims.

We are not winning this race. And we cannot, unless and until we change our priorities and our conduct. All the pious rhetoric on the planet will not save one child.

And while we endlessly debate the “right” of pedophiles to post kiddie porn on the Internet, our species moves farther away from its biological roots.

We must take the abuse of a child as an offense against (and threat to) our survival. And we must replicate the conduct of our animal ancestors and respond as they did—or fail to do so and vanish as some of them did. Forever.

Justina Morales was killed by her mother's boyfriend while her mother held the little girl's hand on December 31, 1995, in New York City. The two then dumped the 8-year-old's body in a vacant lot.

Justina Morales was killed by her mother’s boyfriend while her mother held the little girl’s hand on December 31, 1995, in New York City. The two then dumped the 8-year-old’s body in a vacant lot.

Unconditional love is a popular talk-show topic, but it is little understood. All infants are biologically entitled to unconditional love and protection. It is their birthright, and it is their parents’ birth obligation. There is no such thing as a “good baby” or a “bad baby,” which is why love and protectiveness must be unconditional for them all.

Those not given such love as children seek it throughout their adult lives—some in ways very dangerous to themselves and to others. But unconditional love can never be received by adults. It can only be given. All love between adults is conditional. It requires behavior; it must be earned and maintained.

I once represented a child who had been horribly tortured by her “mother.” On the witness stand, the abuser explained why she had burned the child by holding her little hand against a hot stove grid: “She wouldn’t leave me alone!” The child’s crime was to follow her mother around the house, attempting to wring from her the love she so desperately needed. Slaps and kicks did not stop the child’s search for love, so the “mother” decided more extreme measures were needed to “teach her a lesson.” Too many of our children are being taught that same lesson, in a variety of hideous ways. And yet our tolerance continues.

Here’s what I tell so many formerly abused children who are now adults: Look how desperately you wanted to bond with “parents” who would not love you. That is not a defect; indeed, it can be a strength. It proves that the ability to love has not been eradicated in you. But you must choose carefully. Test, establish criteria, search—and resolve to be alone if you cannot find what you deserve. Bonding, in and of itself, is of no value unless the current flows in both directions.

When our biological families no longer function, the only option is to create a family of choice—a family defined by shared purpose and mutual respect, not ties of blood. When, as an adult, you can adopt a child-protective pack mentality, you can bond with others and have the family you need.

But that means to contribute, not to demand. You are no longer an infant, no longer entitled to demand. You are no longer an infant, no longer entitled to the “unconditional love” of which you were robbed as a child. Yes, you were cheated. But if you devote your life to the celebration of that theft, you are doomed.

Why it Takes a Village To Rape a Child

A classic illustration of devolution is our laws against incest. What is the difference between sex with a child of another and a child of one’s own? We all know—and the data prove—the truth. When a male (note: I do not say a “man”) has sex with a neighbor’s child, prison is a likely possibility. But should such a creature have sex with his own child, we euphemistically deem it “family dysfunction” and call in the therapists.

Incest laws were enacted to prevent the birth of biogenetic defectives. But why do such laws apply to children? Children do not have the biological capacity to reproduce. Laws prohibiting sex or marriage between closely related adults protect the species. But incest prohibition as to children has no such value.

Simply put, we as a nation consider children to be the property of their parents. And we provide a special immunity to sex offenders who grow their own victims. Which is more destructive to our species: the random sexual assault of a child or the sexual assault of a child by the very individual whom all laws command to protect that child? What is the moral, social or ethical justification from distinguishing sexual assault by blood relationship of the victim to the perpetrator? We can come to but one conclusion: The laws against incest exist not to protect children but to protect predators.

Yes, our human race remains the only one that tolerates non-protective parents and same-species predators. The incest laws make that point, written in the blood of innocents. This is the question about incest laws for every legislator in the land: Explain it or change it. And unless we, as a society, start asking that question, we will continue our “evolution” until we have lost our humanity.”

© 2000 Andrew Vachss. All rights reserved

Posted in Child Abuse, child molestation, child sexual abuse, Crime, false memory syndrome, Headlines, Health, News, rape and abuse, repressed memory | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments