I thought it might be time to re-post this article:
It is a normal physiological reaction for people who live in the same home and who are tied together by emotions… to also be sexually attracted to each other, or for their physiological bodies to unwillingly react to one another. The physical body does what it does, but the emotional and mental body being attracted to incest, is not natural.
Most people ignore, control, or suppress such feelings. But when an emotionally and mentally weak, stressed, or psychologically unstable person has those feelings towards their child, they are likely to act on them.
Child pornography is a massive industry, so there are many people in our society with sexual feelings toward children.
It is a fact that biological fathers who molest their children, often do so out of a sexual attraction to their own child because they find themselves in a situation with naked, vulnerable, and accessible children who are in need of love and attention. Sometimes, the child senses a mother’s hostility towards her child, and gravitates to the father for affection. The family unit can be a cocktail for impulsive desires perpetrated by an off-balance father (or mother, sister or brother).
Another dynamic not widely discussed, is that men sometimes cease being attracted to their wives, and after a certain age, women often no longer want to have sex. Although lack of sex has nothing to do with child sexual abuse, a man with a propensity to abuse a child, might go to the daughter because he knows she loves him and wants to please her father. Or she might be coming into her teens, which means her hormones are wild. Another fact is that the visual stimulation is constantly in the family, and men are sexually stimulated visually.
It is also easier for the man to abuse a child in the home than to have an affair outside of the home, with an adult. Most situational sexual offenders prefer to have sex with an adult, but the dynamics in the home and closeness of the vulnerable child, make it more convenient for the abuser.
Children often run around naked and an unbalanced father might think it’s okay to touch the child because the child likes the attention and the touching often feels good. Once a father (or step-father) gets the response of pleasure from his daughter then he might justify his actions because of her enjoyment.
These men usually convince themselves there is nothing wrong with what they are doing, and because of the male sex drive, aggressive tendencies, stress, and emotional needs… the situation then escalates and becomes out of control.
While standing in a bank one day, I saw a man with his little daughter who was waiting in line ahead of me. Her head came exactly to the height of her father’s crotch. I watched as the little girl wanted her father to pay attention to her. She kept hanging on him and pushed her face against his pants. To her it was innocent and non-sexual. The little girl just wanted to be picked up or talked to. Yet I could not help but wonder if the man’s body may have reacted to his daughter putting her face right in the area of his crotch. In a public bank a man can control himself. At home in private, maybe not.
Registered sex offender, Jake Goldenflame, began sexually molesting his four year-old daughter out of a need for “emotional satisfaction” when his new wife left him for a younger man. At first Goldenflame turned to alcohol and drugs, but says, “Here was a lovely person who cared about me, adored me. I was lonely. I allowed myself to lose track of the fact that she was my daughter. Sexual misconduct followed.” This statement magnifies the deviation of the mind of a sexual abuser. His daughter was four years old and yet he says he “lost track” that she was his daughter. Apparently he had also been confused that she was only four.
Goldenflame gave further testimony of the mind of an abuser when he said, “How could I possibly have become involved with a girl not even five years old?” Notice his use of the word “involved” –as if the child was in a consensual sexual relationship with him. He did not say “How could I possibly have sexually molested a four year-old?” Goldenflame’s comments show how sexual degenerates convince themselves that they are not completely at fault, and that the child was a willing participant.
Goldenfame’s story shows how easily a person can turn to their own child. Jake was in a state of self-pity and emotionally depressed when he sexually assaulted his daughter. She loved her father and Jake felt that his daughter would make him feel good about himself.
We are left to wonder: how many other men turn to their children to make themselves feel good?
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Canada’s Independent News Magazine, Candis McLean
Oprah Winfrey Show
EVIL SITS AT THE DINNER TABLE 
How does a grown man become “involved” with a five year-old?
His involvement is conditional and she has to “consent” to all his demands. He gets to use her for sexual gratification when ever the urges hit him. He then gets to “dump” her when he’s had enough of her crying and acting like a kindergartner. She becomes too “needy” and she can’t take care of herself. She won’t go out and find a job or other gainful employment either. She ties him down with responsibility.
He has no choice but to “punish” her to get her to see the error of her ways. He has to teach her a lesson for being so sexy and promiscuous. She seduced him and has no shame about it. When he “dumps” her then she will be sorry for her wayward acts. Her age is no excuse for her behavior.
I think that this is the mindset of a perp like “Goldenflame.”
LN,
In many ways, you have just summed up my father.
Add my father to the register, Alethea.
He has no choice but to “punish” her to get her to see the error of her ways. He has to teach her a lesson for being so sexy and promiscuous. She seduced him and has no shame about it. When he “dumps” her then she will be sorry for her wayward acts.
>This is exactly how a perp treated me. He saw everything as my fault and he must punish me for my wayward behavior. They are sick!
“This is exactly how a perp treated me.”
I’m sorry that you were treated like that.
“He saw everything as my fault and he must punish me for my wayward behavior.”
This is also the mindset of a man who violently abuses his wife. When they “punish” their women, it reinforces their warped “integrity” and “morality.”
I think about Adam (of the Bible) blaming his wife, Eve for his moral failure. I realize that it was a remorseful attempt by Adam to “remedy” his failure and re-establish his “right standing” with God.
It did not work. God called Adam into accountability for his “blame game” remedy and added consequences for that type of behavior. The “work of his hands” would become difficult causing Adam to put more time and energy into making a living.
When I think about men like my father who seduced little girls then “set them up” to take the blame, so he could justify his behavior, punish them, then dump them as morally corrupt “soiled doves” just so he could have “right standing” in his own eyes, I know that God is not fooled by any of this, and that God holds my father accountable complete with consequences.
just so he could have “right standing” in his own eyes,
>Yep! When I spoke to the perp who raped me, he was trying to escape a lot of guilt and shame. Yes…. He was not immune to these emotions. He was trying his very best to have “right standing in his own eyes” and mind. At first, I took all of the blame as he dumped it all on me. Then I woke up and dumped it all back on him and erased him from my emails, facebook, and from my LIFE. I will never look back at his depraved, sinful, desperate, compulsive lying face!!!!!
I know that God is not fooled by any of this, and that God holds my father accountable complete with consequences.
>This is how I feel about the person’s who sexually assaulted me. God’s “perfect justice” is my saving grace/redeeming quality that “offsets or counterbalances” the cruelty of rape or betrayal which is to seduce by false promise. The perpetrators do not get away with their crimes against us! 🙂
This is also the mindset of a man who violently abuses his wife.
=I Concur! When I spoke to the perp, I knew he would be the type to treat a wife just like he was treating me. I feel sorry for his wife, because she has married a loser. I am so thankful… that I married a winner and a keeper>
It is a normal physiological reaction for people who live in the same home and who are tied together by emotions… to also be sexually attracted to each other, or for their physiological bodies to unwillingly react to one another. The physical body does what it does, but the emotional and mental body being attracted to incest, is not natural.
++++I have observed the above statement to be true in my home. My son likes to transgress my physical boundaries sometimes. I always let him know from very early ages that it is super inappropriate and don’t do it. He would laugh and think it was funny. I did notice my physiological body unwillingly react. It felt super icky and I hate that feeling. I am sorry that more people do not hate it and recognize it is as TABOO.
Definition of taboo: A taboo is a vehement prohibition of an action based on the belief that such behavior is either too sacred or too accursed for ordinary individuals to undertake, under threat of supernatural punishment. An area of human activity or custom that is sacred or forbidden based on moral judgment and religious beliefs.
The physical body does what it does, but the emotional and mental body being attracted to incest, is not natural.
+++I agree wholeheartedly.
Hi Lull, thank you for being so honest. Many or most people experience a physiological reaction with those they love, and most do feel icky and ignore/deny it. And this is GOOD. This is what we are supposed to do. We are supposed to just blow it off because we know rationally that it is natural, but nothing too think much about. But people with boundary issues, anger, severe emotional needs, neurosis, and other psychological dysfunction act on those feelings and this is when child sexual abuse begins.
But people with boundary issues, anger, severe emotional needs, neurosis, and other psychological dysfunction act on those feelings and this is when child sexual abuse begins.
+++Thanks for continually educating the community about how sexual abuse begins. I had not realized that these physiological reactions are how some people begin to sexually abuse children. I am appalled and mortified….Just because something feels good “to them”, or their body, does not mean it is good!
Thanks again for all you do on this blog. Have a great Labor Day Holiday!
Dear Alethea,
I’m not sure I agree with this, although it might just need clarification. I don’t believe that it’s normal or “natural” for a father to look at his daughter with lust, for example. I have realized this through examining my own experiences with my father’s seethe peeks at my cleavage. Is the only “unnatural” thing, in a situation of a father looking at his daughter with lust, if he ACTS on those feelings?
Hi Grace.
It can be a normal physiological reaction for people who live in the same home and who are tied together by emotions… to also be sexually attracted to each other, or for their physiological bodies to unwillingly react to one another. …*The physical body* does what it does.
It is a fact that biological fathers can be sexually attracted to their own child, even if they are not pedophiles or sexual abusers. I don’t recommend fathers to see naked, or bathe, their female child after a certain age. Even a small female child should really not have any medicine, or bathing, administered to her vaginal area by her father or older brother. It’s asking for feelings to be stirred up in the male, as unwanted by him as they may be.
I also do not like it when parents kiss their children on the lips. I see this all the time these days. I find it disturbing.
Does this help clarify?
~Alethea
Thanks for clarifying, Alethea – I can see what was meant more clearly now, by looking at it through the lens of a physiological reaction that could be an unwilling reaction. Looking at this article again has been a good exercise for me. I think I can understand more clearly a physiological reaction being felt by a child, but if it’s felt by a father towards his daughter, this disturbs me. It seems unnatural (which you state, and I agree with), though the disconnect between body and mind is obviously the case in many people. And obviously this IS felt by fathers, otherwise we would not have abused daughters. I guess it all comes full circle to feelings being ACTED UPON by an “emotionally and mentally weak, stressed, or psychologically unstable person” as you mentioned.
I wonder what the difference would be between a father who would, and one who would not, have feelings “stirred up” by seeing/cleaning their daughter’s vaginal area… especially since some fathers are the main care givers these days (not to mention single-father families). Could it be just self-control, maybe? Do you think the same goes for mothers, that they should have limited contact to a male child? This seems to be creating a wormhole of questions in my mind, but I am enjoying the discussion!
I see parents kiss their children on the lips all the time, too…even into adulthood. I once attended a wedding where the groom went back and forth kissing his new wife, and mother on the lips. It was disturbing to me then, and still is now. I don’t know where it comes from or why people do it.
Grace, I am sure there are many fathers who experience NOTHING when bathing their children, or when applying cream/enemas etc. to their private areas etc. I think it is just best -given human nature- to avoid it if possible….especially a male teenager. Women are less likely to sexually abuse a child. It’s a good question, but obviously mothers need to take care of their male children. I did not mean to propose that mothers should be restrained from taking care of their children’s needs.
I don’t recommend fathers to see naked, or bathe, their female child after a certain age. Even a small female child should really not have any medicine, or bathing, administered to her vaginal area by her father or older brother.
>My spouse attended a Church as a visitor one Sunday. It was a college friend’s church and she was the Pastors Wife. Her husband, the Pastor, stood in the pulpit and talked about how the men of the church need to know and learn how to clean their daughters privates up “real good” and bathe them “real good”. He was detailed and my husband found it significantly disturbing.
Well….Guess what happened? It was not long after this incident, that this Pastor was brought up on charges of raping 3 young women in the church. He invited them to various places and told them he would counsel them or something. He used date rape drugs and etc and sexually assaulted each and every young lady. One of the young women was a virgin and she testified against him in court. He was sentenced to a 15 year sentence in 2006 and now he is up for parole this month.
>I hope “he did not molest” his daughter, but I think that is unlikely or not likely to be true. I am sure he did, because of how he spoke (or bragged) about the cleansing of her privates and how it must be done real good etc. This little girl was only 6 years old at the time. I know this is clear evidence that he may have molested his daughter. I just want to hope that he didn’t, because the wounds are so damaging to the psyche of little kids.
P.S. If my husbands college friend takes this rapist back, she is crazy. He will harm the little girl. She is 11-12 years old now.
My sisters husband has two little girls. He refused to give them a bath. He would not bathe them as babies and even as they got older. To this day, he has never ever bathed them! He said, It is not something a man should do. My sister was frustrated with this because she had to take care of all the bedtime routines. I now understand, after reading this article…why he refused this daily routine. He did not want to have feelings “stirred up” by seeing/cleaning his daughter’s vaginal area. I wish all men were like my sisters husband! HE really adores his daughters and respects them.
P.S. He only changed their diaper when he absolutely had to.
He sounds like a very intuitive or “in tune” man, who is honest with himself about human sexuality -especially male sexuality. He is probably a great father.
Bree, what a disgusting sermon. I suppose the congregation all silently sat there and listened. I would have stood up and told the guy off, walked out, and then reported him to authorities as a possible threat to children.
I would have stood up and told the guy off, walked out, and then reported him to authorities as a possible threat to children.
^^^^^^^Wow. I hadn’t realized that I had been sexually assaulted when my husband told me about the sermon. I agree with you… he needed to be reported to the authorities. I just learned that his wife has divorced him and this is good. I just hope and pray that he is not allowed anywhere near his daughter.
Goldenflame’s comments show how sexual degenerates convince themselves that they are not completely at fault, and that the child was a willing participant.
This is what I observed in the person who sexually abused me. He kept making it seem like I was a willing participant. He said, What were you thinking when we made out (or love) with no contraception? Why weren’t you on the pill? I knew you were pure as the driven snow etc etc
I now know that he was just blaming me for all of the sexual abuse. He knew all the answers and he knew he was a rapist. He even gave me the definition of rape and told me the first person to ever sexually assault me was not my first (due to it being rape), but he was. He was 100 percent aware that he was nothing but a rapist! He then said, I impregnated you because I felt a (huge)connection I never felt before or a closeness and I got caught up in that. He sounds like Goldenflame; He sexually assaulted me to make himself feel good! I feel angry! ! !
All of his statements magnify the deviation of the mind of a sexual abuser.
“Another fact is that the visual stimulation is constantly in the family, and men are sexually stimulated visually.”
This made me feel really uncomfortable. I have noticed my father staring at my breasts or trying to look down my top into my cleavage…and reading that visual “stimulations” exists in households or families made me make the connection.
I have always hated having my breasts looked at and catching my father doing so has threatened to hurtle me back a few paces in my healing. I am hoping to look into this some more in therapy and see what’s behind being so irked by that statement in this blogpost.
Thank you Alethea, for bringing something up that I now will have the opportunity to heal.
Re-reading the article, I’m still uncomfortable with the “visual stimulation” part. I don’t think it’s true that “visual stimulation” of a teen girl who is readily available around the house is a reason that men would abuse their daughters…I think it would go much deeper than that. Maybe the visual stimulation would be a catalyst for the abuse in some cases. But can we really know what will stimulate someone who is going to abuse their own child? You bring up some really interesting points that have made me think.
“Child pornography is a massive industry, so there are many people in our society with sexual feelings toward children.” The truth of this statement deeply saddens me. These are strange days we’re living in…to say the very least. 😦
These are strange days we’re living in…to say the very least. 😦
Amen!
Grace, I don’t think I implied that the visual stimulation is all it takes.
No, certainly not…you presented many varied possibilities and combinations of factors. Thank you for doing so!
Thanks Grace. Sometimes I have trouble expressing every single point, situation, circumstance, experience, etc etc. so the message in my articles becomes muddied. I am trying to work on that, but time often retrains me.
🙂
~Alethea