Guest Blogger today…
Thank you Shana for being so brave. Mother/daughter incest is more common than people want to believe. Those who are strong enough to expel the vile secrets forced on them by their depraved mothers do a great service in helping just one more person to do the same, and to help those who are not believed, or not strong enough to speak about it.
Not All Child Molesters Are Men~ By Shana
I know that when someone hears that a woman has molested a child, many times they gasp in horror. They can’t believe or haven’t heard of women molesting children. If you have ever watched Sybil you will see that it does happen.
It doesn’t just happen with older women or a teacher molesting teenage boys but it also happens with women molesting small children. I should know.
My biggest secret is that my mother molested me.
There is a different dynamic when your own mother molests you. I won’t go into all of the professional opinions. I only want to tell you mine. This is just the tip of the iceberg. When you read my poem, “A Little Lifelike Plastic Doll,” (soon to be published here) you will see the least horrifying part of being molested by my mother. I feel such shame writing this, and yet the shame is not mine. That is another sad part of children being molested, they feel the shame that their abuser should feel.
My mother of course has denied it and I am ostracized from the family because I will not recant the truth. It has been very painful because I still want my family. They are extremely abusive in all ways, but the more abused the child, the more they want the love and acceptance of the very family that abused them. My brother and sister will not speak to me either, even though they know it is true, they have been made to choose, and they are pretty messed up themselves. I understand that they feel they have no choice, but it still hurts.
I know the big question is how does a mother molest a child? I am going to tell you a few things that happened, only because it may help someone else. Some of you may think that this is not really molestation, and some of you will be horrified.
Until I was able to verbalize the sexual abuse, it happened more blatantly. I won’t go into details about this, but to say that she made me perform oral sex on her. She used disgusting ways to get me to do this, thinking it was normal. I hated it, and yet was not old enough to know that this was wrong. I only knew that I hated and detested it but was too young to know that it wasn’t something every child had to do to its mother.
When I was about four or five, the numbers are not exact. I don’t know exactly how long it went on. I may have been younger and maybe older. Perverts many times have anal fixations. This is so embarrassing and disgusting. As I got older, and she was afraid I might tell my grandmother, or someone else, she molested under the guise of physical care. She would make me lay across her lap on the toilet. She had her pants down, and of course I did too. She would take a sterilized needle and lance the boils that I had on my butt, for some weird reason. God forbid that a doctor should take care of it. This may not sound abusive to you. I would be in so much physical pain from her poking and prodding that sweat would break out on my forehead and I would cry and scream.
More obvious were the bobby pins that she would dig into my little rectum and try to remove pin- worms, which kids can get from unwashed vegetables, or from other kids. You can get an over the counter medication or from a doctor. They are no more uncommon than head-lice. However, my mother would lay out a piece of toilet paper on the edge of the bathtub and put the worms, if there were any on the paper. She would take her fingers and dig into my vagina, and butt. According to her she had to do this.
It took me a long time to be able to tell anyone this. I didn’t even know that it was abuse. After all, she told me she had to do it. It wasn’t until years later that I realized how sick, abusive and painful it was. It is demeaning, horrifying and shaming. Today I know it is her crime, and not mine. It has taken years of therapy and recovery to deal with this.
Yes the abuse continued in other sexual ways even into adulthood. Sometime I may share that here too. I hope that maybe this has helped someone else. I hope that no one else has experienced it. If you have, it is not your fault. You are not to blame, and I am so very, very sorry it happened to you too.
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EVIL SITS AT THE DINNER TABLE 
Thank you so much for this post.
Firstly I’d like to bring to everyone’s attention that when I just googled the term ‘incidents of sexual abuse mother daughter’ as the very first inital attempt to come to terms with what I’ve had the most trouble accepting, the first 4 google entries were porn…
#perspective #theworldtoday
I’ve had a number of sexual abuse incidents in my life. I have always been conscious of the times in my early teens, when it was my male cousins getting me drunk and either exposing themselves to me, touching me ‘there’ or just being generally aggressive towards me in a sexual manner. it wasn’t till I started psychology at A-level (about 16 years old) that I began to Learn the truth. The day I learned about repression was the day my whole life flipped upside down. the first memory that came rushing back was an incident with my uncle when I was about 7/8. I blamed myself because I did initiate the whole incident. I had a morbid fascination with the opposite sex organ as a kid… which is natural I hear. I was lying in his bed watching Tele and I felt his penis next to my leg so I went to touch it. And he didn’t stop me, in fact he urged me to play with him and started touching me to. Before I knew it he was trying to get inside me and if it weren’t for the’re being other people in the same room (?!) he would’ve. That’s all I remember of that, that and the feeling of really really really really not wanting to be touched or entered. It hurt a lot when he pressed himself on my areas and I kept wincing which is when I’m sure others started to notice what was going on, no one intervened but he just stopped from what I can remember. The film just kind of cuts off there…
After this ‘realization’ I was then on a downward spiral, stopped going to classes, abused drugs, lost my virginity to a one-night stand, moved to another city, entered a destructive & codependent relationship with an unstable man 11 years older than myself and just constantly endangered myself to the point where I was raped at 18 by someone I considered to be a friend, consequentally cheating on my self-destructive boyfriend and staying with him out of guilt despite feeling completely repulsed by sex at this point. I hated sex. And I blamed men.
Little did I know my mind had another surprise for me in my 20’s. I’m not sure what triggered the memory because once I knew what I knew everything else ceased to exist. But this one was from a very very early age, 3 maybe 4 years old. I remembered being in the bath with my mum and she was getting me to play with her. I remember her telling me to play with her exterior first and then to put my fingers inside her. Out of everything I’ve been through I’m most scarred by the look of sexual enjoyment on my own mothers face with her entire naked body in front of my eyes. And because I was too young to be aware of what was happening I think I thought it was some kind of game. But this moment of disgust was accompanied by a flood of connections, all the times she would get me to expose myself both privately and publicly – she loved to see me get naked in public always enticing me to take my bathing suit off in front of an entire swimming pool and used to regularly make me spread my legs for doctors, holding my legs apart to the point that my body would rise into what I deem now to be a very ‘sexually ready’ position.
Last year, when my absentee father died, she told me that I broke his heart… even though she tricked me into telling him I never want to see him again when I was about 10.
It’s like she’s two people, I love one of her for everything she’s taught me and the strength she’s shown me but I despise the other her for confusing me this way. Some days I can’t even look her in the eye.
I’m only just starting to seek help now, looking into therapy and counselling… But reading about other people’s experiences makes us all feel less alone I think… It’s amazing how you can go from thinking you’re a worthless freak to actually contemplating the fact that you might just be a human being who might deserve love, all thanks to a few words of shared experience from complete strangers.
Bless you all and may we all have the strength to move on and, if not already, then one day understand that we never deserved what happened and that we deserve a future that’s not tainted by bad experiences. ❤
my therapist has led me successfully to confront my mother-my seducer and sexual abuse @ 15or so. For years I thought that I had no right to talk because I was seduced and drawn in and it was very erotic and sexually……………….I was very beautiful and I think this was a big factor–her alcoholism was a huge factor too. I remember her laying on the bed and wrtithing around in erotic positions I would climb on top and hump with her–once I did oral sex on her–(those images torment me.) When we finished doing that she said,”Well got that over with like she had been wanting to do that for a long long time.” My mental health has been sevrly tested with thgis as well as the damage that her alcoholism did to me. I hated the oral sex but the other was pleasurable but wicked and even more exciting. wBut at 60, I am finally doing some truth talking and its saving my life literally. Please excuse the languaage but it was cathartic to wwrite it dowm.
Dear Lisa,
THANK YOU for doing the work, for daring to heal, for daring to speak out about that which is abhorrent to society.
You and I experienced very similar things. I just have not yet been able to speak them or write about them to anyone yet.
One day, I will.
Thank you.
Alethea
I feel like I am intruding in a conversation between real victims of mother daughter abuse. And I am truly sorry for that because lets be honest if you have experienced something comparable to a total car crash, somebody complaining of a fenderbender is probably not really helpful at all. But there is this need to speak about what did happened to me that’s really strong. It is just so rare that as a somewhat victim you can voice your sorrow. So here it goes:
For years I totally blocked a memory about my mother French kissing me at the age of 12. It happened sudden and totally unexpected. Although in hindsight there may have been warnings, I’m not sure it’s all a bit of a blur, I get so emotional. I remembered this when I was in my twenties and fairly drunk, than I forgot it again until I was 35. At that time I did talk about it but nobody really responded. I mean there were some pads on the back but that’s about it. It is like I still haven’t talked about it.
This is not me being coy in any way but I do realize that compared to the awful heartbreaking posts I have read here (that in some strange way were actually a little comforting to read, I’m sorry about that it’s just that you all made me feel less alone) my story is litlle lightweight but I suspect that your perfectly capable of making room for the not so heavy. Even though it feels like heavy shit to me…
Daphne, you are NOT intruding on anything.
The response you had from those you told (you are brave) is because most people cannot handle it. they cannot handle the thought of mothers being sexually deviant with their daughters, and they don’t want to hear about it because it makes them so flippin’ uncomfortable.
Your mother French kissing you at the age of 12, is child sexual abuse. I want you to know that.
Frankly, I think a mother who french kisses her daughter is, in many ways, even more of child abuse, than some other forms of molestation perpetrated by mothers.
Kissing is a very intimate act, and it involves the tongue and the mouth, and kissing is something done between lovers.
Please know that YOU are not alone, and please feel free to express yourself about it here….anytime.
~Alethea
It took me a while to process your reply. I actually anticipated getting no answer so the fact that you did already made me cry. Then to read your acknowlegdment about it was kind of mindblowing. I had to stop reading for a couple of minutes. And the bit about kissing being something done between lovers sent me of to a rollercoaster ride. So I am taking you up on your invitation about expressing myself.
I remember very clearly that after kissing me, I must have looked so confused and horrified. She told me ‘that I probably was doing that (the French kissing) with boys’. Which I wasn’t by the way. I cannot remember my reaction at all but I do know that I went to school directly, got home, and never really thought of it again until I was 35.
The irony is that I think that it was my mother saying something so hurtful that it sort of jolted my memory. I just had a miscarriage of a twin, was feeling sorry for myself and was talking about it to my parents. She looked at me and told me flat out that she didn’t think I was going to be a good mother anyway so I should stop crying. My father ofcourse did nothing to defend me, never did.
I was flabbergasted, I really was. but at the same time I felt freed in some strange way. She cut the umbilical cord right at that moment. For the first time in my whole life I saw her as a fallible human being. And I think that from then on I dared remembering some bad things about my mother.
My gut feeling is that for my mother two thing are intertwined the absoluut need for control and an unfulfilled sexual life. And after reading your response the pieces of the puzzel are starting to fall into place because I do think it was the combination of those things that made her do what she did and say the things that she said. (there are many other events that I won’t bother you with) Her need to control me even sexually was from as early as my memory will take me but she only really acted it out when her sexual life was completely stumped and frustrated.
The result of her need for control and acting out was me being terribly angry at everybody. It started as an inner anger, I was still rather popular back then, but pretty soon I picked fights (meaning I had very heated discussions with anybody who dared disagree with me) and it didn’t take long before I only had a few friends left. I still have those by the way.
Since I let myself remember the fails of my mother the anger has changed into something else. I don’t quite know into what yet, it isn’t love…that i do know. I know because since then I did have two wonderful kids with a husband that’s, well almost 😉 everything I dreamed of whom I love and who give me love like I never imagined possible.
Thank you
Your mother telling you, “you were probably doing that (the French kissing) with boys” is another psychological manipulation on her part….it makes it seem innocent, or that she was just doing what boys do, or ‘see, kissing you is no big deal,’ But it was an insidious comment.
Your mother’s comment about your miscarriage shows a sociopathic personality Daphne. The fact that your father said nothing to defend you, is probably even more painful than what your mother said…but if so, those feelings for your father are probably repressed. We tend to repress emotional betrayal and abandonment in order to get along with those who severely hurt us.
If gay reLationships are justified why do all you people feeling terrible about incest?
You will need to clarify…your question, as posed, makes little sense.
Thanks.
I am so happy to have found this site…I have been in ongoing therapy for years as a daughter sexually abused by her mother…I am still working through it, in middle age. Thank you.
Shannon. I am SO happy and grateful that you found my Blog. 🙂
Please also read this article: https://ordinaryevil.wordpress.com/2013/02/25/the-sacred-monster/
hmm thanks for all the comments and the post. I’m going through a bad period of agoraphobia right now, which happens from time to time. so I’m reading a lot of blog on this topic.
my dad incested me, and then i think as a punishment, my mom began to do so also.
mostly enemas is what i remember, which was every day for years. but then i have memories of oral sex and being molested by her… and memories of objects like thermometers and cold spoons and fingernails.
i look very similar to her and every day i have to look at her face now in the mirror and it makes me physically sick. I can’t afford plastic surgery but the moment i can i plan to change my face. And my hair color. I changed my name already. Just anything to get away from her.
the majority of anyone i ever knew growing up adored her… i turned my back on every single person i knew because i felt like they were all in on it… the teachers, the students, the whole world and their mother’s day cards and their speeches about the kindness of mothers…i kind of exiled myself because i felt so dirty and ugly and disgusting, like a leper, but worse than a leper… i felt like i myself was a monster. Like i had incested myself. Like i had worms. Like anyone i came in contact with would somehow get hurt and i should protect them all by withdrawing from the world forever…
i tried to kill myself a few times and failed. Eating disorders, addictions… at one point i vomitted every day for 2 years straight. My stomach has never recovered from those enemas. i went through two anorexias where i went down to under 100. The first was when i was 19 and my mother said i looked ‘hot’ or something to that effect. That made me put on like 50 or 60 pounds and then i was heavy and stayed heavy hiding under the weight…
my mother’s lesbian friend from childhood moved into our lives when i was a teen. i had to meet them at a bar and watch them ogle young girls. That made me feel more alone than I’ve ever felt in my life. Both cause it was like she was abandoning me and moving on to other young girls, and also because i never wanted her to look at me that way.
i tried hard to forgive her, but then my stomach would become so enflamed that i had to cease contact again.
i confronted her about it when i was young and she told me i needed to be in a mental hospital. I went to like 5 mental hospitals hoping to die in order to make her right….
i didn’t wind up becoming a lesbian, which i always felt deeply guilty about, like I’m betraying my mom by not choosing women. In fact i spent a lot of time trying to be gay and it was a fiasco… a few times i was hit on by women and found myself unable to put up boundaries, i kind of went into a trance, which is when i figured out that something must have happened that was pretty serious because i dissociated so badly… after i realized that i became pretty ok with being straight… but i think that when i was a kid i got really aroused by my mom, and that caused a lot of shame and guilt…
I’m just putting this all out there in case someone relates to it and it makes them feel better.
i still feel like a non-woman. a non-person. a nothing. besides being a pedophile, my mom was also a first class narcissist so it was like i didn’t exist at all. except as an object for relief.
one time like 12 years ago i picked up the phone out of the blue and called the police in the neighborhood she lived in and tried to tell him she was a sex offender. It didn’t go too far since the event had happened so many years ago. But i often wonder how anyone can sleep at night if they knew they lived next door to her.
also, one thing i wonder is, i think my parents were only pedophiles of their own children. As far as i know they never touched any other kids. That just somehow makes it worse, more personal.
another thing that has helped me so much is having a pet and being a mother to it. I discovered that I’m nothing like her and i can be loving and kind and responsible and protective.
another weird thing is that my mom stopped talking to her mom before i was born and never spoke to her again, and couldn’t remember like 7 years of her childhood. So i can only assume, i am the chain-breaker in a long line of mother-daughter incest. Which i guess is an accomplishment.
i really wish i could comment, but i really don’t feel comfortable with doing so publicly.
is there a way i could contact you privately?
Yes, you can contact me at sanjuanangel7@yahoo.com
Technically I was not the victim of incest. But my mother made me masturbate with her. I started masturbting at age 13. One day my mother said she saw me said I had to do it with her. I felt really uncomfortable doing this. But everyday when I came home from school, she was in her room naked and I had to join her. So we layed next to each other masturbating with our fingers. When I turned 16 she bought me a dildo and forced me to use it on myself with her also using a dildo. We did this until I turned 18 and went to college. When I masturbate today, I have a hard time getting true pleasure as the memories come back. I have spoken with other ladies who would masturbate wit their sisters and I consider that normal. If my mother when I was older wanted to masturbate together just one time as a bonding experience, I would have done it. But she did it her way to watch me and get pleasure by watching me and causing me unpleasant teenage years.
Dear Sarah,
You were indeed the victim of incest. Your mother engaged in a form of sexual relations with you. She crossed serious boundaries with you. She broke your trust, she broke the mother/daughter bond with you –a bond that is supposed to be based on natural, loving, nurturing things with a mother. She crossed emotional boundaries with you in that she placed her emotional needs onto YOU. And as you stated, there is a very real possibility that your mother was sexually stimulated by watching you masturbate and that is a form of sexual degeneracy.
She said you “had” to do it with her. She forced you against your natural will. You might have felt like you were accepted by her, or doing something with her to be close to her, but your natural instincts -the instincts inside the child in you, knows it was not okay.
Your mother waiting naked for you every day when you came home from school is a serious violation! She sought you out…she stalked your innocence by waiting naked for you. This is very sick behavior on HER part –NOT YOURS…HERS.
You wrote that when you turned 16, and she bought you a dildo and forced you to use it on yourself. That is sexual ABUSE!
Sarah, there are untold numbers of people who were sexually abused as children and they did not know it was abuse, or could not call it abuse, or did not want to call it abuse….you fall into that category. You were sexually abused by your mother. An adult does not have to touch the child for it to be sexual abuse…all they have to do is to force the child, to be turned on sexually by the child, and for the adult to cross boundaries with their naked body.
As you wrote, your sexual experiences will be frustrated and confused until you deal with this issue in depth. She has convoluted your sexual experiences. Natural mother/daughter bonding includes things like going for a hike in nature, or sitting down over tea and talking about spirituality. It includes things like taking a trip to a foreign country together to experience life. Mother/daughter bonding does not include masturbating together.
Every day I think nothing more can shock me, and every day, human beings shock me. I have never heard of a mother doing this to her child, much less her daughter. I thought I had heard all the different kinds of abuse. This one really angers me for some reason. Maybe because she violated you in a way that you truly had no idea you were violated. Maybe it is the sneakiness of it, the way she made it seem like something that was good for you too, and that she probably got off on being with you, but pretending it was for your benefit.
I think you have jarred something in my own healing that needs to be addressed. My anger is probably coming from my own experience. So thank you Sarah. I need to examine this in my therapy sessions and see if it is something that hits home with me.
One more thing Sarah, sibling sisters who masturbate together is not normal behavior in most cases. It is often a case of the sisters being introduced to sex by an older adult and they are acting out their abuse. It is often an older teenage sibling who has gotten a younger child into it with her, and this is abuse…not exploration, curiosity, or bonding.
I hope you look deeper into this issue.
All my best,
Alethea
Hi Alethea, thanks for your reply. I have spoken with quite a few women who told me that when they were teens they masturbated with their sisters. They said it was like game where they would compare who had bigger breasts and they admitted to each other that they masturbate and decided to just lie next to each other masturbate. I never had a sister so I have no idea if I would have gotten into it with them if I had a sister. I agree with you that the worst part was my mother watching me masturbate and getting pleasure from it. She had this look on her face that had a look of conquering and controlling her subjects to do as she pleased. I see her a few times a year and we don’t talk about my teen years, but I can tell by the look on her face she wants to try it again and I give her a cold look back and she knows it will never happened. Masturbation is supposed to be a pleasurable event and my mother ruined it for years. I just hope as I get older I can truly make it pleasurable.
Sarah,
I find it interesting that you seem more disturbed that you are having trouble with masturbation than with the fact that your own mother is a sexual degenerate, and that she is still crossing boundaries with you, even now.
One more very important thing Sarah.…
I say this to defend children, to help parents, and to help teens…
It is NOT natural or normal for two teenage sisters to masturbate together. This behavior can create sexual feelings towards females, and may cause the teen to grow up thinking she is sexually attracted to women and become a lesbian out of sexual confusion. This may also cause the teen to have a dysfunctional sex life with men because she might only become sexually stimulated by women.
Just because these women you know, or have corresponded with, have behaved this way…it does not make it normal or healthy to do it.
The human mind is very delicate and can be conditioned into things very easily –especially the mind of a developing child or teen.
Alethea
i can’t necessarily agree with this response. PERHAPS it’s not normal for sisters to masturbate together, but how can you say it’s not natural? you then state that just because it happens doesn’t make it normal or healthy (what about occurring naturally?). you are making a huge generalization here. you also state this can create sexual feelings toward females. and what if it does? even if such women later discover they’re bisexual or even heterosexual does mean what they did before was wrong? isn’t this more just the process of discovering who we are?
Dear anonymous,
It took me a few days to answer this because I wanted to reply from a place of objectivity.
If what you are calling “natural” is two young teenage sisters experimenting, then this is different. What I am referring to, is two older teenage siblings, getting into sex acts together because of peer pressure, an idea put in their head by a movie, TV show, or by a celebrity. This becomes an act that is off, not healthy, and an act that can lead to excessive and obsessive sexual drives.
You asked me so what if this creates sexual feelings toward females?
If a female becomes sexually attracted to females because of masturbation with her sister, and not because of a hormonal/chemical imbalance in her mind and body, then she is driven sexually by having conditioned her mind to it with her sister, not because of a chemical imbalance in her body.
It is the same with child sexual abuse by a person of the same sex. If the victim grows with an attraction or stimulation for females because of the abuse, then it is going to cause them problems inside themselves. Our soul knows deep inside what is not okay.
Discovering “who we truly are” has nothing to do with sex. Who we truly are is spiritual beings having human experiences in the physical world. Most people do not even have any idea “Who and what we truly are,” and are wandering around the planet trying to feel good sexually, trying to find happiness by being around other people, trying to find joy in football games, parties, having babies, alcohol, drugs, shopping, and by feeding the ego-self.
You should read Grace’s story, of how her sister’s sexual abuse of her created severe pain and sexual confusion. Read it, and you might understand better how two sisters being sexual together (even masturbating together) can profoundly and negatively affect those sisters.
To add to the “who we truly are” issue: Identifying with your physical body, is like identifying with your car. Your vehicle is merely what you use to get around. It can get you places, but it can become old and die out. Your car can break down and even drive you off a cliff if it malfunctions.
Who we truly are has nothing to do with the vehicle that gets us around (our body). Sex, material wealth, socializing, how we make a living…nothing of that is who we truly are.
Thanks and blessings to all of you. Sadly I was severely sexually abused by both my mom and my dad as a preschooler. Many of my thoughts, feelings, responses became non-standard. I became pretty severely dissociative to be able to function at all. I suffered several suicidal breakdowns, and very nearly took my own life.
Thanks to God’s love, forgiveness, grace and mercy, and the kind help of many friends and therapists, I am now able to function remarkably well. I still experience periodic troubling thoughts, feelings and reactions, though these are less frequent now.
I own and operate my own small business, doing something I love and am good at.
I have been married for 40 years to a wonderful woman who tells me every day how much she loves me. I have great compassion for those who feel unable to relate to opposite sex because of abuse.
One of my greatest breakthroughs recently has been to be able at last to forgive my mom, who is still alive, who was my prime abuser, and who can still be abusive. I have radically re-set my boundaries with her in a much healthier way, so that she cannot re-abuse me.
It is such a relief now to feel genuine love and sad compassion for her instead of the discomfort, shame, ambivalence, confusion and at times real terror I felt for most of my life.
Thank you for all the posts. May God bless and help and encourage each one of you represented here.
Hello Alethea,
I have just discovered your blog, nd have been reading for the last hour. I am a sixty yo man, and I, too, was molested,as an eleven year old. However, she was a mid-twenties, pregnant woman, and I was SURE I was in love! Although, she told me to never tell anyone about our “playing”, she didn”t need to. She told me that if anyone found out, SHE would go to jail…and my reaction was to defend her to the ends of the earth! I was sure I was in love, and this woman did things to me,that, at the time, were over the top, but she always tied it into my physical pleasure, re-inforcing it with “pillow talk”, telling me how “mature” and wonderful I was. I would have died to protect her, and it took many years before I began to realize that my attitudes about love, and how a man should treat a woman, and how a husband should love (and treat) his wife, were so far off. I never heard the word sex, or love, in my family life, as a child, so you can imagine words like honor, respect, responsibility, compasion, and giving…were never mentioned. This woman talked TO me, not at me, and she held me…gave me attention and affection, and did everything (so I believed) to please me! I felt like I was on a pdeastol when I was with her, and she made it obvious that she thought about me while we were apart. I was a willing partner…and she groomed me to do her every whim…gladly!
Anyway, as my life went on, and I became involved in relationships with women of my age…I had no clue that my expectations were wrong…and NO idea that they WERE wrong. It was ot until I was in my fifties that I realized the damage done, when I was eleven. Now, after three failed marriges (one, the first, a direct result of my eleven year old experience, and the others,just reactionary to my massive confusion), I find myself alone…and lonely. I have admitted my past to a therapist, and believe I have much to give a woman, but, I fear I will die alone, and a lonely man.
My question is…How do we, as society, put an end to this destructive and damaging behavior? Are we doomed to deteriation? Thanks…DD
Dear Dalton,
You are not alone. There are so many boys out there who experienced the same exact scenario as you did. Society down plays it as “fantasy of every boy,” “he wasn’t a victim,” and “he enjoyed so much that it won’t badly affect him.” etc. But boys ARE negatively affected in many different ways. You were a victim of a child sex predator. She took advantage of a child. Woman or not, pregnant or not, she was a sex offender. The fact that she was pregnant is pretty disgusting on her part.
Her abuse of you has obviously (and understandably) affected your understanding of love, and I am certain your failed marriages are largely because of this woman’s abuse.
“I fear I will die alone, and a lonely man.”
This is so sad. The first step you need to take is to heal your fears. Find peace in there never being a woman for you, and you will more likely find one when you are not looking. Be in peace about being alone because ultimately, we are all alone, and those who are at peace being alone are often more joyful and productive human beings. My therapist can help you with this, and she can help you find peace, and to help you heal those old wounds so that once you do find someone, you can make it last with her.
“My question is…How do we, as society, put an end to this destructive and damaging behavior? Are we doomed to deteriation?”
Sadly, mankind is in deep trouble because we do have self-ego/evil inside of us, along with good. It is constantly a battle between the good and the ego-self. In the times we live, that battle is going to grow more intense and be more important than ever before. Humans need to stop abusing one another, and to want to find God/peace within themselves and to become altruistic in all they do, before we can stop deteriorating as a species.
Glad you found my Blog,
Alethea
i hate the world even more for reading this, i’m so sorry that this sick stuff happened to you and everyone else that gets a bad parent, i wish you all had parents like mine, reading this made me sad and gave me tears, and i’m a 20 year old man who feels horrible for stuff like this.
Dear anonymous, although hatred and sorrow is an understandable response…instead, be grateful you did not suffer this kind of abuse, and tell others that mother-daughter incest, and women who sexually abuse children, is not only NOT rare, but it severely affects the victim their entire life without effective help. Break the denial in society, help spread the word.
It took me years to realize that my mother raped me when I was 11 years old. I knew all the other things she did were wrong and abusive, but I could never admit that at one time she crossed way over the line and did rape me with her fingers while she had my head shoved in the toilet. I am 50 years old and still processing it. I am learning that mother-daughter rape does happen. It was violent and in her mind was not rape at all, just rage.
Julie, not only does mother-daughter incest happen, but it is NOT rare. You are in no way alone. And you are quite intuitive to realize that it was about rage, not rape. I wrote an article that might interest you because it refers to women who molest and sexually abuse children being worse than men who do because women more often do it out of emotional needs or out of jealousy, rage, or resentment towards the child:
Julie, I am interested in this part, how it definitely sounds like rape, is rape to me, and how in her mind it was “just rage”. My mom did stuff to me that was not in the context of anger, but more like control when she was treating vaginal infections i had as a result of penetration of dirty toys that a neighbor girl put inside me. (this was rape for sure.). My mom was trying to help me, and couldn’t hear my constant refusals for her to touch me until I was 14 and could finally able to make her stop. My mother and I have done therapy and I think she really was trying to help me, but the blindness to female to female sexuality is so thick she just didn’t take my protests seriously. And in the 1960s when this was all happening the doctors didn’t believe I could have a vaginal infection.
Orphaned at nine and had to live with my older half-sister and her husband. While he was abusing me physically and psychologically his brother in law, father and nephew were abusing me sexually.
The final straw was the night I found my nephew, my sister’s oldest son lifting up my night gown while I was sleeping. I told my sister and my niece, Barbara but they ignored me – called me a liar.
No other recourse but to move out at twenty -39 years ago.
Yeah they like to call you a liar so they don’t have to deal with their weird sexing of family members.
Moved out and got a normal life.
No family of my own though as my husband’s “normal” family never did accept me.
But I’m free and my husband is wonderful.
Dear CH,
“No family of my own though as my husband’s “normal” family never did accept me. But I’m free and my husband is wonderful.”
My family is my husband, my animals, the trees, and the wildlife. I connect with my biological family because they are strangers to me in many ways. I am at peace and thankful for my husband.
I am happy you are free.
“No family of my own…etc.”
I never wanted to marry or have children until I found healing and the path that leads to peace. I was 33 when I married for the first time.
My husband is wonderful also. I think that God brings us special men that are custom fitted to our needs because he knows our past pain was unfair to us.
I still do not connect with my own family. I tried to connect with my husband’s family but failed because they rejected me.
My family is my husband, my three children, my animals, my pastures and woodlands, and the wildlife.
I became a mother late in life.
Today, we are happy and laugh a lot, even at ourselves.
The therapy I have received recently has made an impact also, a big impact.
“The therapy I have received recently has made an impact also, a big impact.”
Little Nel, What a wonderful thing for me to continue hearing from you. It makes my heart swell with joy.
I still love my mother for all the good things she has done for me, however her reaction explains a lot of the animosity and distance I’ve felt towards her as a child and still do to this day. Last year my mother fell down and hurt herself and I felt absolutely nothing. I felt really guilty for the way I felt(or rather didn’t) and my other family memberrs were shocked at my lack of reaction or worry. The more I uncover about my child hood, the more I understand how and why I relate to friends and family and other people the way that I do.
i really agree with what you said about anger and the reason why i come back to this blog is that you validate those human emotions that in my life what it meant to express them meant being ostracized, isolated, ignored, vilified.
The truth is more important than people pleasing.
Thank you Anonymous. It is so true…human beings must acknowledge, accept, validate, and then work through those emotions because repressing them is detrimental to the health of the person, their life in general, and to all of society.
“The truth is more important than people pleasing.”
BEAUTIFUL!
Hi Shana,
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know that I learned a lot from reading about your painful experience with your mother. I’m sorry that she hurt you like she did.
Isn’t it amazing how we take on the guilt, fear, and shame, of our abusers without knowing it?
You are a brave girl to face your abuse and tell the truth in spite of the “punishment’ and rejection that they use as leverage to silence us.
I also have been “shunned” for telling the truth.
Thanks for sharing….the more we know and understand the better we can stop and prevent.
Shauna My heart goes out to you…brave girl. Stay strong and know we here feel your pain and say a prayer to help heal you.
This is so weird for me to write on the internet. It’s difficult for me to even name who because I don’t even want to believe myself it was child abuse. But as a young child a couple female relatives would “wash” me using their bare hands, rubbing inside and outside my genitals, around and inside my anus. I thought this was normal and even enjoyed it somewhat. I had a therapist tell me this wasn’t normal. I told my mother about it and she told me I was lying despite strange habits she admitted I had as a child. It possibly explains why I never bled during sex despite being far from an athletic child. It also explains the huge repulsion I’ve had ever since I was young against homosexuals, especially lesbians…. among other things. I remember as a child finding out what homosexual meant and saying “I hate gay people. It’s so disgusting. They should all die”.now looking back I can see where that inexplicable hate came from. Whenever my lesbian friends try to convince me to switch teams, I get defensive and almost want to kill them… and they believe its proof that I’m a lesbian. If they understood the roots of my repulsion they would not make these comments in jest
Hi Mary,
I understand your thoughts and feelings. I was molested by a woman and I felt a strong repulsion for lesbians especially the ones like Chaz Bono who tried to act masculine and pretend that they were real men.
I have also been told that I was a lesbian because I abhor the thought of having sexual relations with a woman. In fact, I value my marriage and the loving intimacy between my husband and myself. It is what I had always craved when I married my only husband at 33.
I am not a sex addict, child molester, substance abuser, or party girl. I value life’s virtues, love my work, and value my personal integrity.
I really understand your defensive feelings. You are not alone when you have feelings of repulsion for same-sex jokes and comments.
Little Nel, I see so many women these days who look like men. They are quite gross to me. Many of them look at me like a man does, and I find it to be crossing boundaries with me. I find their mind to be crossing a line with my mind, body and soul when they do that.
If someone is a lesbian, fine, as long as they don’t cross onto my personal space with their looks or degenerate thoughts about me.
It’s how I feel, and I have no apologies for feeling violated by someone else’s thoughts about me.
Dear Mary,
Your comment angered me for two reasons: One, you were called a liar by your mother, and two, because of the boundaries crossed, and ignorance displayed by your gay friends.
Yes, what you experienced was sexual abuse. How many times do we have to hear that mothers and other family members call a victim a liar when the child goes to them with their complaint? WTF is wrong with human beings that they cannot handle taking action against a child abuser, so they instead throw the child back to the wolves?
Being called a liar happened to me as a child, and to so many other people who post comments here. Just think how many millions of children have been called liars.
As far as an over-reaction to gays: not only is that a sign that what you experienced as a child was indeed sexual abuse, but it is perfectly okay for you to feel that way. Do not judge yourself Mary. I have written in my manuscript, and in the article linked below, that we don’t know why people have a seemingly ‘unreasonable’ reaction to gay people. I tell people to never judge someone for “hating” homosexuals or for being repulsed by seeing gay couples kissing etc., because someone who has been sexually abused by an adult of the same-sex can be very negatively affected inside themselves by homosexuality. It is not their fault and no one has a right to judge them for their reaction or even for their opinion on gays.
You might read this article Mary, if you have not already:
Alethea,
That is a great post about female female-child-sexaul-abuse
I know that I suffered severe shame and trauma. When it was first addressed in adult counseling, I went into severe PTSD symptoms. I got hysterical and cried for weeks and couldn’t stop and did not understand it. I thought that I had lost my mind and body.
That is a very good post. I try to see the other side of it too… I believe many of my lesbian friends choose women because they have been so thoroughly and severely abused by men that they have lost all feeling or even feelt utter disgust by them. One of my friends had even admitted that yes it was a choice and while I do not celebrate homosexual I cannot condemn her for that. When I was a teenager and had been raped by a man I remember for a while losing all feelings towards men and going insane wondering if I was going to turn gay…. NEVER wanting to be with a woman and a few of my friends inadvertantly AGGRAVATING my ptsd symptoms because of their suggestions to be with a woman. When I was a child, from the earliest point I can remember feeling attraction, I always loved males and to one day love and only be with one man. Some schools of thought say that it is due to societal influences and social values but I always felt that the desire was inherent. Despite my personal repulsion for particularly female homosexuality (male homosexuality I have no reactions towards) I have always respected consenting adults choice to be with who they want to be but I wish that they would respect mine.
“Despite my personal repulsion for particularly…etc…I have always respected…etc.” “I wish that they would respect mine.”
I have found that people who do not respect my choice in sexual matters have a deep seated need to be “powerful” in their own minds. That type of aggressiveness is repulsive to me because it means that violence is certain if I wait around long enough.